Friday, December 8

Henry.

As me and the Missus were moving all of our things over to our new house this September, I realized just how many childhood items that she still has.

You see, the Missus lived at one place with her parents all of her life, until she moved out with me. She never had any reason to get rid of anything. Her old bedroom still looked the same right up until she left it; stacked with boxes of childhood toys, stuffed animals and letters from old pen pals. It always gave me a very nostalgic feeling, because this was something I've been detached from for quite some time.

The concept of holding onto childhood items is quite foreign to me. I had moved five times before I even turned 18, and my parents divorced when I was 10. I was bounced around many different houses of varying sizes and shapes for two decades, and every time I did, some more of my belongings didn't make the trip.

It's almost impossible for childhood things to survive that much torture. When you have to move all the time, you have to give up things due to space or work limitations. Everytime I packed up my belongings, more and more of my childhood disappeared. Sometimes, they would get lost along the way. Other times, I was forced to choose what I would bring along and what I would toss. By the time I reached adolescence, almost everything I had as a kid had vanished.

Apart from that, I was hit with a massive bout of OCD in my early teens, which caused me to essentially become a monk and throw out all of my possessions. My opinion at the time was that the core of pain and envy was desire and material things, so I thought a life of nothing would make me a better man.

Didn't work. I was shocked.

As an adult, I've collected nostalgia items from the 80's as a way to re-live the childhood I no longer have. However, there is just no substitute for the real deal, no matter how many garage sales I visit. In the end, I'm just playing with someone elses' childhood toys. Every time me and my family moved, the rooms got smaller and the space was more and more limited. Decisions had to be made, and there just wasn't any room for the past.

Except for Henry.

Me & Henry - 1985.
(This is me and Henry, circa 1985. He's a stuffed dog, and you can see him in the right-hand background of this photo, with his ass up in the air. Forgive me, it was the best shot I could find.)

Henry is my childhood; it's all that's left. If I lose Henry, I lose everything.

As the story goes, Henry was given to me on the day that I was born in 1982. Even though that was 24 years ago, the approximate birthdate of Henry is closer to 1970.

Henry is in amazing shape for something that's been around for 36 years (he looks a lot better than I do, and I'm 24). He's been wrestled with, punched and kicked, slept with and tossed around the yard. He's been spun around by the arms and legs, and continues to come back for more.

He comforted me when I was sad, took the brunt of my violence when I was angry and listened to everything I had to say as a young child. Perhaps most importantly, however, is that Henry is the only childhood toy I have left. It's the only proof I have of my adolescence.

As people age and their lives begin to evolve, you may feel the need to re-invent; start anew. Let it be said, however, that the basement is a far better home for your youth than a dumpster.

Me & Henry - 2006.
(This is me and Henry, taken yesterday. As it turns out, this stuffed animal is quite rare, and is going on Ebay for upwards of $400. You're never getting it from me.)

What's your Henry? Sound off in the comments section and get nostalgic this Friday.

NEXT WEEK: SWEEPS MONTH CONTINUES!
(The CDP's Top 20 Albums Of 2006 - All Next Week!)

Wednesday, December 6

Post #500.

Let's get old skool!
(The very first CDP homepage, from February-April of 2004.)

After almost 3 years of Premium-Quality, Grade-A, Choice Blog goodness, the CDP has reached the 500th Post milestone. I've baked a pie, but it's of poor quality and I refuse to share.

After doing some quick math, this averages out to about 170 posts a year, and if you're familiar with the CDP, you'll know that I don't screw around when it comes to throwaway content. These are 500 slices of raw, unrestrained joy that will give you the vapors and leave you fanning yourself for air and craving pie.

In honor of this occasion, I've collected around 100 of the best quotes from the last 100 posts for you to savor and enjoy, much like a freshly-baked pie. I've also included links to the best of the first 400 posts. Have fun.

Pie.

Post #1-200 - Part I
Post #1-200 - Part II
Post #1-200 - Part III

Post #201-400 - Part I
Post #201-400 - Part II
Post #201-400 - Part III
Post #201-400 - Part IV
Post #201-400 - Part V

POST #401-500:

So, I got ordained. Seriously. – July 2006

Lumbar Disc Herniation. I have it; you want it. – July 2006

It was only a matter of time before I popped and locked one too many times, causing something to snap and leak out of my spinal cord. – July 2006

I shift around more than Michael J. Fox on the Tilt-A-Whirl. – July 2006

Being raised Catholic, it's always been assumed that I'm a hell-bound sinner, and it was only a matter of time before the bookkeeping staff in Heaven realized that I've slipped through the cracks and vaporized me on the spot. – July 2006

Look, I'm not broke, I don't need a kidney and I'm kind of an asshole. – July 2006

It was almost 100 degrees that day. I blame the government. – July 2006

I still believe in the idea of UFO's, but I also believe in truckloads of medication to treat paranoid delusions. – July 2006

I must say that for a few seconds, I was actually agreeing with what they had to say. For example:

Speaker: "All of these bad things are because of the Bush administration."

Me: "Yup, can't argue with that."

Speaker: "They want to make your lives miserable."

Me: "True 'dat. Preach on!"

Speaker: "They have a machine that controls the weather."

Me: "Where are my keys?" – July 2006

I've been taking proper precautions as to not obliterate my back again. As someone who likes to stand, walk and handle a fork without assistance, I'm doing what I can to make sure I maintain that sort of lavish lifestyle. – July 2006

Pretending not to be hurt was never one of my strong points; I'm bawling in every photo of me that hasn't been posted on this page. – July 2006

Every time I blink, I crap my pants. – July 2006

I also don't want my sexy Reverend outfit to go to waste. It's all held together with Velcro, so I can use it to strip during the bachelorette party the night before. It's all very sacrilegious. Or sacri-licious, depending on your views.

Song of choice? It's Raining Men. – July 2006

I've done public speaking before, and I'm decent enough at it when I have to be. It's not like I prefer it or anything; it's just that people naturally assume that I'd be comfortable addressing a room full of people for some reason. This probably has something to do with me essentially doing it every day on this page. However, real life doesn't have a Backspace button. So, if I were to get up on the podium and start swearing or wet my pants, that would pretty much be the end of it. – August 2006

I got a taste of what it was like to be a Holy man, in that nobody wants to party with you. A lot of the people there didn't know me, and assumed that this was what I did for a living. Therefore, everyone sidestepped around me, hid their beer and didn't swear. This got very annoying after a while, but I embraced the unexpected respect. – August 2006

It should also be noted that as far as weddings go, I've been an usher, a groomsman, a best man, a groom AND an officiate. This is what's known in the wedding business as 'Batting the Cycle.' – August 2006

Today, I was catching the beginning of Good Morning America before I left for work. They mentioned a 'new fad' called "Heat Rage." Because of the recent heat wave, I guess people are flipping out and putting their fists through windows and skulls and whatnot.

The Missus chimed in and said, "This is a new fad? People getting mad when they don't like something?" I couldn't have said it better myself. – August 2006

In case you haven't noticed, it's hotter than Satan's jockstrap outside. – August 2006

I'm sure there will come another time when I'll be able to sit down and talk with the single greatest quarterback ever to play the game; a man that won a Super Bowl, three MVP awards and my unwavering worship for the last 14 years. I mean, I'm certain that you get more than just one chance to meet your idols over the course of a lifetime. I'm not too worried about it; never mind all the crippling nightmares I've had about the situation since I was 10. – August 2006

Last Saturday, Reggie White was officially inducted into the Pro Football Hall Of Fame, which is what reminded me to share this story. The plaque under his name will say that he sacked 198 people, but I'd like to think of myself as #199. – August 2006

When my life is over and the book is finally written about me, let it be known that I was always out there, putting my ass on the line for you people. – August 2006

In what might be the first documented instance of its kind, the CDP- a grown man with male reproductive organs- was invited and welcomed to a gathering that's historically known for being women-only. I wore no disguise and came right through the front door. – August 2006

My sister is having a baby boy. She's due in about two weeks, and the family couldn't be more excited or mortified. I've chosen to omit this sensitive information from the CDP for the last eight-and-a-half months out of respect for the mother-to-be (it's really not my news to be sharing, after all). Of course, now that she's as big as a Dodge Dart and has more of a hormonal imbalance than Barry Bonds, all bets are off. – August 2006

The first thing I quickly realized is that a baby shower is more or less a roast for the Guest of Honor. All of the moms in attendance bust out their "A" material- the most horrific baby stories they have- as a way to frighten and emotionally scar the mother-to-be. Tales of diapers, bodily fluids, rashes and the like. Save for one of the guests, who proudly exclaimed to the crowd that she didn't have a uterus.

I'm leaving.

I had the car keys in my hand and was heading for the door when my eyes caught a tray of deviled eggs in the kitchen. They had me trapped; I wasn't going anywhere. – August 2006

When groups of people that share a common bond get together (especially women), they always have to try to one-up each other with their tales. When it comes to a room full of moms, it's the same deal, only far worse. If Mom #1 was in labor for 18 hours, then Mom #2 was in labor for eight days. If Mom #1's baby was born with the cord around their neck, Mom #2's baby was born inside-out. Stuff like that. – August 2006

I'm officially an uncle, yo. – August 2006

If I wanted to listen to ignorant white men rant about ethnic stereotypes, I'd go to more family reunions. – August 2006

Don't let Charlie Sheen near any children. Growing up is hard enough already. – August 2006

Sometimes, after a hard day at work, I like to come home and watch a guy get his forehead torn open with a barbed-wire bat. – August 2006

The movers were top-notch, meth-free and stole nothing of significant value. – October 2006

Get the hell off my lawn, you damn punk kids. – October 2006

The Missus is anti-beard (therefore, anti-awesome). – October 2006

All my wife really wants is to know what's going to happen before it actually happens. – October 2006

Then my father-in-law called me a "queer" and told me to "compose myself" before he "threw up into his nine-dollar bag of peanuts." – October 2006

I sometimes break appliances just so the maintenance guy has to come over and look at it. I have an ever-growing pile of dead guys in blue jumpsuits in my basement. – October 2006

I have a childish and unintimidating body, so I can't rely on my figure to scare children. If I were naked, well...that would be a different story. Nope, I have to rely on my acting skills, appearing as if I'm a nanosecond away from lopping someone's head off at the base of the neck. – October 2006

After another hour of amateur optometric surgery, the Missus informed me that I had scratched my cornea, and I should stop touching it before I went blind and she divorced me. – October 2006

Then I got drunk and took a swing at the baby. We haven't spoken since. – October 2006

Ben is also quite powerful; he runs the community like a cult leader and gets people to make scrambled eggs for him. He is, however, not as powerful as Richard Simmons, who actually gets paid to tell people when they can eat. That's the sort of power I'm looking for. – October 2006

Free MySpace Poetry – October 2006

I have this thing for chicks with bloody wrists and pickaxes. Unfortunately, there is not yet a website that spotlights this fetish. Leave it to me to find the only unexplored kink on the planet. – October 2006

Watching Jae Lee get his ass kicked by Jin was incredibly satisfying. I sincerely wanted the scene to last 5 minutes longer and get far more violent. I mean, I wanted Jin to tear this guy apart. Rule #1 of Not Being A Complete Ass is to not seduce a married woman, no matter how volatile their relationship might be. When Sun's dad sent Jin to 'finish the job,' I was all but waving a pennant at the TV that said 'Graphic Violence' on it. – October 2006

It was about two or three years ago. Me and the Missus were chatting in the living room like we normally do, taking heroic shots of Paint Thinner and watching an infomercial for the Miracle Blade 'Rock-N-Chop.' You know, just enjoying the afternoon. – October 2006

Packed a lunch for work. Went straight home, spent nothing. – October 2006

At work, I organize paper clips by varying size, shape and taste. I also do the same for all pens. – October 2006

4:30pm - Get home. Clean lightly, feed the cats and check the mailbox. Throw out any bills and cats. – October 2006

Part of this exercise routine has me eating a daily multivitamin that's roughly the size of a child's shoe. This multivitamin is causing me, for some reason, to urinate 8 times a day in a strange shade of electric green. However, if that's the price to pay for larger arms, I'm standing firm, green pee and all. – October 2006

was a co-chairman on the "Partners In Giving" committee last year, and one of my money-making proposals was a legitimate street fight between me and the head Chairman. I figured that if 100 people in the agency paid $10 to see it, we'd be assured a cool grand.

Imagine my surprise when I wasn't elected on the committee this year. It's their loss. – October 2006

My fellow co-workers had a funeral for one of the industrial printers in our building. "Brutus" was an HP laser-printer that had been with the department longer than I have. The day that Brutus was scheduled to be carted away and replaced with a smaller and faster model, we gathered around him and said a few words.

I wrote a haiku, which was then scotch-taped to the side of the machine. It read:

You destroyed copies
And made our jobs difficult.
I'll miss you, Brutus.

Minutes later, a pre-typed message came shooting out of Brutus, wishing us all well and reassuring us that he was going to a better place. Cake was served.

I work in a weird-ass office. – October 2006

Sound off in the comments section and let me know how you’re warding off suicide for yet another day. – November 2006

First impressions are very important, and I'm the undisputed King and Master of peeing them straight down my leg. – November 2006

At work on Tuesday, a new employee was about to come over to my cubicle and introduce herself to me. She knew I was sort of a big deal, and probably wanted an autograph or something. It just so happened to be Halloween, so she was wearing a Prom Night-style costume; like a dead prom queen or something. She looked great, although I still haven't seen her in the office without the bloody makeup and tattered dress. Maybe I just made her up, and she doesn't really work here.

Anyways, she poked her head in just as I was taking a huge bite out of a BK Veggie Burger (along with a king-size fry and a chocolate shake; I'm trying to watch what I eat). As she kindly said hello (while cradling a bloody, plastic baby in her arms), I bit down and shot about a quart of mayo and barbecue sauce out of the ass-end of said burger, spooting it all over my important documents and literature.

As it were, she now thinks that the cleanest and most obsessive-compulsive man in the office is the filthiest and messiest. I'm sure of it.

You just watch. Over the next few weeks, I'll try to engage in conversation with her, making several attempts to prove to her just how organized and anti-mayo-spootage I actually am. However, karma being what it is, I'll just find more ways to solidify her first impression of me. Toner will splash liberally onto my pants. Newspaper ink will smear across my white shirt. Cream cheese and coffee will bombard me from all angles.

I'm the office slob to her, and no amount of organizing my Hi-Liters by color will undo that. This is precisely the sort of stuff that keeps me up at night, straightening my carpet fibers one at a time. – November 2006

The DHARMA Flame Station should not be confused with the DHARMA Flamer Station. Where the Flame station is hot, the Flamer Station is SSSSSCORTCHING! – November 2006

Mr. Eko died this week. This is sad for a number of reasons, one being that he was one of my favorite characters on the show. From his first to last scene, he's been intriguing, intelligent and unspeakably violent, which are all things that I strive to one day become. – November 2006

You know he ain't playin'!
Smarter than Cliff Clavin!
Making Jerry Lewis go, "Gloy-vin glay-vin!" – November 2006

As a man with a sparkling personality, devastating sex appeal and an inviting scent, most people who meet me think I would make a terrific waiter. To support this argument, they remark at how good I am with small details and my ability to make large groups of people feel uncomfortable without even trying. They claim it's a gift from God; my therapist and I think otherwise. – November 2006

I've had a lot of Public Relation jobs in my life. Bartender, Customer Service Representative, gas station attendant, strip club DJ, rock slanga’, cameraman for Guys Gone Wild and a brief stand-in for Peter Jennings shortly before he died. – November 2006

I can't tolerate anyone, and I don't like to walk and carry things at the same time. – November 2006

If you are physically unable to raise a child to keep their mouth shut when at a public place, you have failed as a parent and should never be allowed to enjoy a meal outside of your loud, and no doubt filthy, home. – November 2006

In short, children shouldn't be allowed into any restaurant that doesn't have a kid's menu. And even then, they probably shouldn't. – November 2006

What's important is that I'm happier than you. – November 2006

I wouldn't be surprised if they had a Range Rover parked outside with golf clubs sticking out of the back, all set for a relaxing drive to the country club to discuss fine wines and munch on unborn baby Yak cheese, or whatever it is that rich people eat when they're around company. – November 2006

Cheap laughs be damned! You have my word as an American citizen (however much weight that carries nowadays) that I will never, EVER use the wonderful country of Canada as a stepping stone for a throwaway joke again. – November 2006

I Cliff. Me funny, too. – November 2006

I didn't do any humor until around the 5th grade, when I realized that I could instantly improve my popularity by doing impressions and making fun of people. – November 2006

One of my ex-girlfriends now works at Coyote Ugly in Chicago. She also has breast implants, and what appears to be a new face. – November 2006

Well, there you go.

When I started the CDP in February of 2004, I sort of figured I'd still be here after 500 posts. This just makes sense to me, somehow. Hopefully, this makes sense to you, too.

Sound off in the comments section, congratulate me on 500 posts, and tell me to take a vacation.

FRIDAY: MORE SWEEPS MONTH GOODNESS!
(Best & Worst of 2006 - Best Comments of 2006 arrive next week!)

Monday, December 4

Worst Album Covers Of All Time - Part Deux.

Here now, the CDP's second collection of the Worst Album Covers of All Time.

What better way to kick off Sweeps Month than with a revisiting of one of the most popular posts in CDP history? I did what I could to dig deep this time around, and hopefully come up with a few albums that haven't already been mocked to death on the millions of other lists in the Blogosphere. My hope is that you'll see some albums today that you've never seen before.

To check out the largest collection of Bad Album Covers on the web, visit this link. As always, there are some bad album covers on the Internet that range from PG-13 to downright filthy, so they have been omitted from the CDP's list for obvious reasons. Away we go.

Fire Down Under.
#15 - Riot - "Fire Down Under."

First and foremost, a name like 'Fire Down Under' conjures up images of a one night stand aftermath, NOT Earth-shattering rawk. Furthermore, nothing says 'Riot' like an indecipherable image of a Seal/Cat/Snow Owl with the body of an exceedingly pink human being.

What Does It Sound Like? - Apocalyptic Australian Snow Owl-Metal.

Stuffparty 2.
#14 - Larz Kristerz - "Stuffparty 2."

I'm of the opinion that Larz Kristerz is the 350 pound, cross-eyed man in the middle of this shot. I see no other reason why the others would let him into the band otherwise.

What Does It Sound Like? - Village People Kraut Rock.

Supernature.
#13 - Cerrone - "Supernature."

Hmmm.

You know how annoying it is when someone tries to explain a dream to you? This is exactly what Cerrone is trying to do on the cover of 'Supernature.' His producer tried to talk him out of this career-ending folly, but Cerrone's clearly not a man to be messed with. His 85-pound frame makes you think twice before questioning his decisions.

What Does It Sound Like? - Sex-Morgue Rock.

Let Me Touch Him.
#12 - The Ministers Quartet - "Let Me Touch Him."

Telling Minister/Pedophile jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel. In this case, it's more like shooting barrels in a barrel factory. Either these men are trying to lift up their hearts to the Lord, or they're simply trying to plead their case to Him.

What Does It Sound Like? - Barbershop-Sex Offender/4-Part Harmonies.

Christian Crusaders.
#11 - Christian Crusaders (w/Al Davis.)

Show me a band that has a fat guy, midget and female corpse in it, and I'll show you a band that I want to see live. Man, those are the most ill-fitting pants I have ever seen.

What Does It Sound Like? - Christian-Militant Rock (eg. Rage Against The Machine.)

Bad Reputation.
#10 - The Ritchie Family - "Bad Reputation."

Here are three things that the Ritchie Family enjoys, based on viewing this cover:

1. White guys that are ripped on 'roids.
2. Leather.
3. Dogs.

I can't argue with that, although I want to mention that they don't scare me. The bulges on a couple of those guys, however, will keep me up for the next week.

What Does It Sound Like? - Disco-Bulge.

Swing That Gospel Axe.
#9 - Butch Yelton & Upbound - "Swing That Gospel Axe."

This album cover struck me as funny because those guys are clearly about to brutally murder that unsuspecting woman. There's nothing funnier than an ironic last-known photograph.

What Does It Sound Like? - Axe Gospel; Murder Folk.

Burn This Town.
#8 - Battleaxe - "Burn This Town."

This is what happens when you get your drinking buddy to design your cover art for you. No matter what he comes up with, there's no way you'll be able to be honest with him. Furthermore, I feel bad for Mr. Axe, having to pose for this photo for 4 hours, sitting on his motorcycle in his garage. He's the least-intimidating metal artist since Grim Reaper.

What Does It Sound Like? - Emo; Dashboard Confessional.

Satan Has Been Paralyzed.
#7 - David Ingles - "Satan Has Been Paralyzed."

This just goes to show you. Don't emulate Professional Wrestling moves in your backyard, no matter if you're the Prince of Darkness or not. Even so, Satan is still not my most-hated quadriplegic (see Christopher Reeve).

What Does It Sound Like? - Piano; Spoken Word. Dabbing sweat off of brows with a silk cloth.

Reborn.
#6 - Orion - "Reborn."

This cover made me laugh harder than any other one I found while compiling this list. There's something very heroic about a man standing proudly over his own casket, whilst wearing a cape and Elton-John glasses.

What Does It Sound Like? - Elvis; Liberace. Casket-Rock.

Stronger Than Evil.
#5 - Heavy Load - "Stronger Than Evil."

Johan Helm had some serious balls, taking credit for this illustration in the lower-right hand corner. The look on the man's face is less than one of fear-invoking and ruthless aggression. In fact, it looks like he looked up at the camera just long enough to get his picture taken, which of course, he didn't want.

Stronger Than Evil? There's a sword-wielding man standing over a pile of slaughtered bodies, and you're preaching the nature of good over evil?

What Does It Sound Like? - Confusing Double-Talk Rock.

Tijuana Picnic.
#4 - Colonel Sanders' Tijuana Picnic.

Bill Hicks once said, "I stopped taking drugs, because once you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kind of hard to top that." This is how I felt when I saw this album cover. I don't need drugs, because I'll never see anything more surreal. Why Tijuana?

What Does It Sound Like? - Mexican Chicken Folk.

Trouble Over Bridgewater.
#3 - Trevor Crozier - "Trouble Over Bridgewater."

Nice haircut, Trevor. This takes the coveted prize of "Sweatiest Album Cover Ever." I could go on, but you should really be spending this time taking in the stale odor of cigarettes and Meister Brau hat this record emits.

What Does It Sound Like? - Fart-Cloud Folk.

Superman.
#2 - Alla Pugatjova - "Superman (Every Night And Every Day.)"

Oh my. Copyright infringement ahoy!

Furthermore, if you're Superman, why do you need to hitch a ride on the back of a dune buggy, being driven by your Mother? Same goes for the glasses; you don't need those!

What Does It Sound Like? - Smooth Funk.

Tell The Bible Classics - Volume III.
#1 - Dan Betzer & Louie - "Tell The Bible Classics: Volume III."

Let me just start out by saying that ventriloquism doesn't translate very well onto vinyl. Sort of ruins the magic, you know?

Forget it, I'm done here. This is the strangest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Eraserhead.

What Does It Sound Like? - Biblical Spoken Word; Being Dragged Through the Slimiest Pits of Hell.

NEXT TIME: CDP POST #500!