Monday, January 8

I'm On The 'Roids.

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(People keep asking me what's on the bulletin board behind my head in these 'webcam' photographs. Well, this corkboard is by the computer in my office, and it contains a few hand-drawn cartoons by yours truly, along with some neat photographs that I like to look at from time to time. There's a photo of me and the Missus at my high school graduation, a shot of me playing the drums at the age of 5, and about a dozen more photos of the Missus. Now you know. Someday, I'll give you all a video tour of CDP Headquarters. Not today, though.)

Happy Monday.

I went 4-0 with my Wild Card Playoff predictions. Kudos to anyone who bet using my picks. My picks for the Divisional Playoff are as follows:

Chicago over Seattle
New Orleans over Philadelphia
Indianapolis over Baltimore
San Diego over New England (maybe; it should be a great game)

While we're still on the topic of sports, I want to address the amazing Wisconsin Badgers, who are currently ranked #4 (and rising) in the country. Also, my Dallas Mavericks are currently riding a 14 game winning streak. Hooray for attaching your ego to people who don't care about you!

Sorry about all the sports talk; perhaps my testosterone levels are reaching critical mass. I've been working out for at least an hour a day for the last five days, with no signs of slowing down. This new health club has really gotten me and the Missus into an addictive after-work routine, consisting of strenuous exercise and bottled water by the truckload.

It's been great. Now that I've been doing it for a few days, my body's not sore at all. I'm upping my completion time and goals on a daily basis, and I've settled into a routine that's working wonders for me. I'm even trying to (slightly) watch what I eat. My traditional worktime lunch of a Grilled Cheese, Potato Chips, Chocolate Chip Cookie and Chocolate Milk have now been replaced by a Cup of Fresh Fruit, Bottled Water, Veggie Smear Sandwich and a Pickle.

Potato Salad is optional, and that's usually an option you're going to want to take, especially at the place where I buy my lunch.

On Tuesday, I'm getting an hour with the Club's personal trainer. I'll let you know how that goes. Most importantly, every piece of workout equipment has a TV built into it, so we don't have to miss anything important. I've officially found heaven, and it's been in a Cardio Bike all this time.

I know what you're thinking. "But CDP, you're already in amazing shape! And you're drop-dead beautiful to boot!"

That's a good point, but there's a few things I need to work on. My weight is ideal for me, but it's more fat than muscle, and I need to reverse the numbers in that respect. Also, my metabolism has cooled off considerably in the last few years, and I can already tell that I'm speeding it up with just a little bit of exercise every day.

What's my ultimate goal? Well, in the questionnaire that I provided to my personal trainer, I said that "I wanted to intimidate friends and loved ones with a single stare down." Also, when asked what I would do if I ever achieved my fitness goals, I wrote "I will buy myself a house made of solid gold."

Perhaps I'm not taking this seriously enough. I sure hope he's not one of those musclehead assholes that doesn't know how to take a joke because he's so 'roided up that he can no longer control his mood swings so he picks me up my me ankles and swings me around and bashes my skull to malt powder on the Butterfly Press.

If you want the truth, I'll lay it all out on the line for you. For years, I knew that I could never roll in the same class as the 'Tough Guys.' I constantly got my ass kicked, and I constantly got stood up by women who preferred these men. Never mind the fact that these guys were almost always jerks that did nothing but mentally manipulate and destroy these women from the inside out. Women were just naturally attracted to this type of man, like it or not.

For years, I did the second-best thing, and played the role of 'Cute Guy.' You know, the smart and funny guy that wore queer sweaters and listened to all the good music (see photo). I knew that this wasn't necessarily my ticket to Rock-Stardom, but at the very least, I could be a big fish in a small pond.

Now that I'm older, I've grown quite sick of being the Cute Guy. First and foremost, I'm nowhere near anyone's criteria of what 'cute' is. Besides, the 'Cute Guy look' became a legitimate fashion craze a few years ago, and I refuse to be part of any type of cultural movement set to popularize outcast behavior. Leave these people alone, for Christ's sake! It's crap like this that made me stop listening to punk rock six years ago.

I have no ambition to be funny at parties anymore, and I have no ambition to smile when I'm not anything but happy. I have no time or tolerance for anyone putting on a show in order to be perceived as something they are not. I simply want to be left alone with my thoughts and snide remarks, and to slowly get more and more muscular until my head explodes and I freaking die.

Is that too much to ask?

Once again, these 'mini-blogs' are going to keep showing up while I handle a lot of other things in the CDP realm. I have no time for large essays, Podcasts or media projects when I'm working out constantly, compiling text for a CDP book, and spending more time at the office than I care to mention. I give this hiatus another week or two, tops.

Thanks for sticking it out with me. So, what are you up to?

I've been trying to think of ways to win ticket to the Super Bowl just so that I can give them away.

How kind of you!
I like the cute-guy look. But I'll like you when you're a bad-ass mofo too.
I've been getting high on horse tranquilizers and murdering hobos down by the train station.

Also, I'm suffering from writer's block, a sore throat, and syphilis.
Where is the picutre of your beermas tree J.T.?

Also, CDP please stop talking about your ultimate demise. As I have said in the past, the fact that I didn't kill you when you were a child should make you want to live a long healthy life!

Stop being so depressed, leave that up to me :)
You can find it here -

Sadly enough, it's time that I take it down.
Writer's block sucks. I'm feelin' ya, dawg.

Sorry about the negativity. I've been very busy in a lot of aspects the last few weeks, but if anything, it's helping my attitude.

Once I've outgrown the Health Club, I'm joining Fight Club.
Then you can say, "Why the ear, why did you have to hit me in the ear?"
For a year now, a co-worker has been trying to convince me to attend his Dojo for some martial arts training. It's becoming a reality, yo.
I have been systematically chewing off all my cuticles and spiting them into a jar here at my desk.

That… and sniffing glue (the glitter roll-on kind).
I MEAN spitting... not spiting..

See the glue is already taking effect...
Glue's a helluva drug.

See, we're all being productive today!

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