Wednesday, January 17

What Have I Done To This City?

There's More To Appleton Than Our Acclaimed Escorts.

This is the single funniest Onion article of all-time, and here's why. Read this snippet from a CDP essay published in April of 2006:

-April 3, 2006 - "Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition."

When I was 13 years old, I did some web design for an escort service in my former hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin. I became friends with the wealthy owner of the company, and was promised a free date with the girl of my choice when I turned 18, along with the keys to his Porsche Boxter for the night.

Fact Or Crap? - FACT!

I think I might have stumped a lot of people with this one. Truth is, this really happened back in 1995-1996. The internet might have been new at the time when it came to the globalization of information and commerce, but since day one, it was always a worldwide pornography and prostitution ring. Let it be known that I was there for the glory days.

I don't know how it happened, I don't know how I got away with it and I don't know why my mom didn't step in sooner, but it's all true. This story ends peacefully and morally though, with the aforementioned rich owner getting arrested and sent to the clink for shady business deals; mainly because he was, you know, running a whorehouse (all true). I've since attended confession many times to right my past wrongs.

Comments:
Awesome. When I used to sell printing in Greenville, SC, several of my accounts were strip clubs.

The people who manage those places are...different than most of the rest of us, to be polite.
 
When I ran across this article in the Onion this morning, I spat a hunk of pineapple from my mouth and laughed my ass off.

Spending the early part of my teen years in Appleton, I knew there were a lot of Escort services around (hence working with one), but I never thought it was this nationally-recognized.

Hilarious.
 
That's great, my home town was only known for being home to people with way too much money. They never liked to admit it, but seriously, our soccer team kicked ass throughout the state and that just doesen't happen in regular towns.
 
I don't know why I didn't step in sooner. I was probably hoping you were going to get rich.

I'm sure he is out of jail now and making a living off of renting out women that just want to cuddle with you.Isn't that what they used to say?
 
I'd prefer cuddling, actually.
 
Whenever I see the name "Appleton," I always pronounce it like Balky did on the sitcom Perfect Strangers, where he shared an apartment with Larry Appleton (who was from Wisconsin). He pronounces it App-la-ton.

"Standing tall... On the wings of my dreams!... Rise and fall... On the wings of my dreams!"
 
When I watched Perfect Strangers as a kid, I always enjoyed the opening credits where we see Larry leaving Wisconsin. At that point, I didn't think sitcoms could be based out of the midwest.

Turns out I was right.

Also, I'll be singing that song to myself all day.
 
It's funny, because I'm pretty sure that the escort you had your eyes on was a tranny...
 
No way, dude. She looked like Naomi Campbell, minus the wild mood swings.

Okay, and maybe she had a wiener. At that age, I was more than willing to find out.
 
Who are you kidding? "At that age"...
 
Beh-heh-heh.
 

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