Friday, March 23

Lost Friday - "The Man From Tallahassee."

Lost Friday - Season 3 - Episode 13.
Season 3 - Episode 13: "The Man From Tallahassee."

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why we watch Lost in the first place.

In recognition of the best episode of Lost in just about forever, the following Lost Friday has been SUPER-SIZED for your enjoyment. Expanded articles, new sections and the return of the photo captions! Let it all wash over you like a fine, imported soap of some sort.

By the way, yet another Lost Friday is upon us. Consider my pants soiled and uncomfortable, but for all the right reasons. We have much to discuss.

Oh, poopie.
("Oh, really?")

Honestly, I wasn't even going to do a recap this week. I was left so entertained and satisfied with this week's episode, I figured the frantic emoting and fanboy raving alone would warrant a large enough conversation. I have nothing to criticize, nothing to bust on, and just about everything to look forward to. "What's going to happen now?" For a long time, I didn't care much about the answer to that question. Now, I'm back on board like it was Season One all over again.

It's almost as if my faith in humanity has been somewhat restored. Then I see Sanjaya Malakar again, and feel like running my head through the bologna slicer at the Pick-N-Save deli on the thinnest setting. Why that brittle fruit isn't tucked away in a call center somewhere in Bombay is beyond me. Yeah, I totally said it.

Now step back, take a deep breath and dive into the thickest and meatiest THICK & MEATY ever!

The Thick & Meaty.

FLASHBACKS:

We see Locke being interviewed by a government worker, who will decide if Locke can continue to receive his disability payments. In true Stereotypical Government Worker fashion, she is portrayed as a slightly overweight and sassy black woman. She refuses payments after he reveals that he's no longer going to therapy; opting instead to focus on his Off-Broadway One-Man Show ('Don't Locke me up!'). It's at this point that we find out Locke was suffering from depression (and rightfully so, really), and he was not yet paralyzed at this juncture.

Dejected, Locke goose-steps home, boards himself up in the bathroom and listens to the Smiths' Louder Than Bombs on a constant loop. He also cuts himself a few times.

Can't You Read?
("See? Right here, it says 'No Dogs Allowed.'")

Later on, a strapping young lad named Peter Talbot shows up at Locke's door, questioning him about Anthony Cooper, now operating under the alias 'Adam Seward.' Peter suspects that Anthony is a con man looking to marry his mother for her money (good eye, kid), and wants to ask Locke why he donated a kidney to him. Locke lies and tells him that he never actually met Anthony, but invites Peter to stick around and play Guess Who? with him for awhile.

Peter agrees, and orders a Veggie Lovers pizza. Extra Ranch.

Sometimes, it's too easy.
("Nice rack, Kate.")

The next day, Locke tracks Anthony down and demands that he call off the wedding. He threatens to tell the woman the truth about him, and Anthony agrees he will handle it. Locke storms out, but not before purchasing a half-dozen arranged roses for his den.

Total cost? $35 plus tax. Not too bad; plus, it looks very inviting next to the Farrah Fawcett poster. Say what you want about Locke, but he knows how to bring out the character of a room.

Upon arrival back to his apartment, Locke is confronted by two detectives looking for information on Peter. Locke fibs around a little bit, but eventually finds out that Peter has been murdered. Locke then yells, "Look behind you!" and scampers away, screaming "Suckers!" as his voice fades to silence. Realizing they've been had, the two detectives make out a little before heading back to the station. At the very least, it makes them feel like they're important to someone.

Sing us a song, you're the piano dork.
(Jack's learning how to play "It's Raining Men.")

Eventually, Locke tracks down his dad again, in a posh penthouse suite/house deal. Locke wants to know what happened, but Anthony states that he's a con man, not a murderer.....

He then says "Oh yeah, I am a murderer," and then tries to murder Locke by murdering him out of the 8th story murder window. Locke falls; his back snapping like a handful of uncooked spaghetti. At the hospital, the detectives tell Locke that Anthony fled to Mexico and hasn't been located. He's then placed in a wheelchair, where he stares at his lifeless legs and bawls his eyes out.

Man, John Locke is so emo, he should be walking around in one of those black hoodies with the skeletons on them. I bet he has a My Chemical Romance tattoo on his bicep.

Larry, Moe and Locke.
(Torture No Evil, Horseface No Evil & Bald No Evil.)

OTHERVILLE:

Kate, Sayid, Locke and Rousseau (or The Mount Rushmore Of Ugly, as I like to call them), sneak up to the Barracks and see Jack tossing around a football with Tom. They wait until Jack has wrapped up his 'Cabbage Patch' before they advance on him.

Kate shows up in Jack's living quarters to find him playing the piano. Jack tries to explain to her that there are cameras everywhere and she will be caught, but she insists on playing 'Heart & Soul' with him. This ends badly, as it always does.

Nasty.
("Damn...do they have an Asteroids machine in that rec room?")

Meanwhile, Locke surprises Ben in his bed and asks him where the submarine is. Ben plays it cool, saying "What's a submarine?" Locke grins, scratches his head and shoots him in the knee. He sends Alex to retrieve his backpack from Sayid, which contains the C4. While they are waiting, Locke helps himself to some chicken and checks out the first few minutes of Entourage on HBO.

Ben is curious about Locke's injuries, mainly because he wants to know why he's not recovering as fast as Locke did on the island. He mentions that since the Swan Hatch exploded, nothing has been working correctly and the submarine is the only way off. He pleads with Locke not to blow it up, stating that the only reason he wants to is so he never has to face his fears on the mainland. Locke is unresponsive, and heads out whistling "Back In Black" to himself.

Jack explains to Kate that he made a deal with Ben and will be leaving with Juliet the next morning. Later on, he makes Ben promise that the rest of his friends will also be sent home afterwards. Ben agrees, but starts laughing maniacally and rubbing his hands together for some strange reason.

Sorry 'bout that.
(This is what happens when you let George W. Bush steer the boat. Happy?)

The crew starts heading for the submarine, when it explodes due to Locke's rigging. Everyone's taken prisoner again, and Ben privately thanks Locke for allowing him to keep his word and dominant status on the island. He also calls him and idiot and tells him that he ruined everything. Everything!

The last shot of the episode shows us that for one reason or another, Anthony Cooper has made his way to the island. This segues perfectly into a new segment here at the CDP, entitled:

5 Awesome Things...

This week's topic is: 5 Awesome Things... Locke can do to kill Anthony.

1 - Rig him up to some sort of electrical device, so that every time he blinks, he craps his pants.

2 - Force Anthony to build an 8 story tower, then throw him off of the roof.

3 - Have him stand alone in the middle of the jungle, screaming "The Smoke Monster is a homo!" at the top of his lungs. Wait briefly and enjoy.

Where's my kidney, you ass!?
("You may have my kidney, but at least I'm not paralyzed!")

4 - Shoot him in the face by accident before we can get any real answers. That's what they normally do; why mess with the formula?

5 - Just paralyze him and rip out one of his kidneys. There; Even Steven.

Enough speculation and murder revenge fantasies; let's BREAK IT DOWN!

Break It Down!

4 - Boy, it's nice to have the real John Locke back. Not only is Terry O'Quinn one of the best actors on television, his character is one of the most tortured and deeply thought-out in years. Amazing, amazing stuff. Every time Locke gets his own episode, I'm completely blown away by this guy. If I were in his shoes, I would have killed myself about ten times over by now. Truly one of the best anti-heroes I've seen in probably forever.

That is, of course, until they finally greenlight the CDP TV show. Locke's got nothing on me.

8 - When Locke, Sayid, Kate and Rousseau scaled the Giant Security Microwave (GSM) surrounding the barracks, how did they expect to get back out? Seriously, there's no way out, as far as they know. Unless there's a Pole Vault hidden somewhere in that Dharma Community Center, our team is totally screwed.

Say it with flowers.
(The very sight of Petunias sends Locke into a textbook fit of rage.)

15 - Boy, is Jack going to be angry with Locke for blowin' up that submarine. Hoo-boy!

16 - Obviously, the Others had no idea about the Swan Hatch or the importance behind it. When that thing blew up, their communications disappeared and just about everything else went to hell. In the next few weeks, we'll find out exactly what they know about the island, along with that correlation they had to Dharma.

They've got a rec room with pool and foosball, though, so it can't be all that bad.

What were you eating?
("You got a little cream cheese....right there... want me to get it?")

23 - I think that Ben has surpassed Sawyer for the title of 'Biggest Jackass on the Island.' Even in the face of death and permanent paralyzation, Ben still busted out all sorts of decent insults against Locke, creating a sort of verbal jousting we haven't seen since the Jack/Locke power struggle of Season Two.

Sure, he's pure evil and a little feminine, but I still dig that Ben fellow. Dumb little turd.

42 - How did Locke know how to rig up and detonate the C4? Should we even care?

Nah, the hell with it. This episode ruled. I will hear nothing in rebuttal. NOTHING.

The Missus Sez: Spoiler Alert!
(This week's preview is being sponsored by The Missus.)

Cover your ears, Spoiler Nerds! Here comes THE PREVIEW!

4 - Next week's episode is entitled "Expose'." It is Nikki and Paulo-centric. Crap.

8 - The official press release from ABC reads: "Hurley begins to suspect that Sawyer may be involved in an island mystery surrounding two fellow survivors, and Sun learns the truth about her past kidnapping attempt by The Others."

Charlie and Sawyer had better pray that Jin doesn't get word of their mock-kidnapping of Sun last season. I get the feeling that Jin could skin them alive in less than a minute, beards and all.

15 - Shannon and Boone will show back up in this episode, presumably in the flashbacks of Nikki and Paulo. Apparently, they are going to show the new couple a thing or two about being completely worthless characters.

Locke's a hungry man.
(Emeril at home.)

16 - Apart from some huge Island mythology being spilled in this episode, we will also find out that one of the characters is gay. Yup, and it's not even Sweeps!

23 - Someone's going to die during this episode, and it's not going to be Charlie.

Damn it all to hell.

42 - Dr. Arzt will be in this episode. Seriously! The exploded guy!

Well, there you have it. A super-sized Lost Friday for a truly great episode. Start the discussion in the comments section, or send private love letters to communistdance@yahoo.com. If you want to show your appreciation with money, feel free to make a donation (in the sidebar) or purchase something from The CDP Webstore. Once your done stroking my ego like a newborn kitten, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello.

As always, here are links from every single Lost Friday this season. Enjoy, and have a great weekend, ya' losers.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review
Season 3 - Episode 11 Review
Season 3 - Episode 12 Review

Comments:
Best episode ever

Can't wait to see the giant hamsters
 
I bet that one of them is the "Him" that everyone keeps talking about.

If it turned out that the island is run by giant hamsters, I'd have no problem with that.
 
VOTE FOR THE CDP!

I'm begging, BEGGING you to visit the above link and vote for the CDP in this year's Hugo Cup competition. It only takes a second, and it could win the CDP the title of BEST LOST SITE ON THE WEB!

Thanks in advance!
 
I voted, I voted!!!!
 
You with me on Sun biting the big one, yet? (I know, that was harsh. but...)

Ben was marvelous in this episode.

How does Ben's crew use Dharma stuff, yet not know about Dessie and the Swan? He was friggin' born on the island (allegedly)!

Duke still sucks.
 
Thanks for voting! You can do it under as many e-mail addresses as you're willing to register under, so go hog-wild!

MOE - I kinda screwed myself over and found out who dies next week. Luckily for me, it's NOT Sun. That doesn't mean it won't happen before the end of the season, though.

Ben's the man, although I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he turned out to be gay. He plays his character with brilliance, and his scenes with Locke were tremendous.

Duke < Sanjaya
Sanjaya < Everything
Duke < Everything & Sanjaya
 
...and if you think the social worker at the beginning was sassy, check her out in "Magnolia". As soon as I saw her, I lost it. If you've seen Magnolia, you'll know what I'm talking about. If not, see it this weekend with Boogie Nights behind it.
 
The scene with 'Rahad Jackson' is stellar. Sometimes I think I want to live like that, but then I realize that I don't do massive amounts of cocaine and wave guns around.
 
Yeah, Ben being gay sounds about right. He's pretty fruit-boot-tastic
 
It may also play into the whole 'I ain't having a baby with you, so we need a fertility doctor' thing.
 
Maybe the "tumor" on his spine was actually a deformed fetus he was trying to carry, at Juliette's advice. That would be awesome.
 
Maybe it's a deformed hamster.
 
Probably a deformed hamster fetus.
 
They need to let me write an episode, just ONE episode.

HURLEY - "Dude, what's Mr. T doing on the island?"

T - "Quiet, you!"
 
CDP, if you start writing, I'll start watching again. Try to duplicate as many storylines from My Two Dads as possible.

Oh yeah, and Spork Nation is back up and running. Fresh new beats will be dropped over the weekend.
 
Great episode and great wrap-up (as usual). But am I the only one who wants to tie down Rousseau and run a comb through her hair? Or attack here with some leave-in conditioner? It makes me itchy just to look at her...

(P.S. - I finally have a new blog up)

Oh...and I really doubt Sun will die. I don't think America would like a pregnant lady being offed. That's a bit much...
 
JT - Welcome back to the Interweb!

TODD - I don't think you have comments enabled for the new post. Might want to check on that.

It's hilarious, by the way. You could probably run a constant blog with just things that annoy you. My wife is the same way. You wear your hair wrong? She hates you now.

The thing about the monthly Running magazines was hilarious; I can't believe a stand-up comic hasn't done that bit by now.
 
Hmm. You're right about enabled comments. I have them enabled, but they're not showing up. I don't know what's going on since they updated Blogger. Any ideas?

And that's a good call on no stand-up doing jokes about Running magazines. I'm quite surprised myself I haven't stolen that joke from someone...
 
Never mind...I figured out the comments thing. Silly me, I thought that enabling comments in the "comments" tab would allow comments. I didn't know I had to enable comments for each new post.

Comments.
 
Sadly, your guess is as good as mine concerning the comments. The new Blogger is a real pain in a nut area. You may want to consider re-posting with the new comment options set.

Really, just one issue of a Running magazine should suffice. Seriously though, Dane Cook could squeeze 10 minutes of material out of this joke. It would suck because it's Dane Cook, but still...10 minutes!
 
I agree about ABC not-offing Sun, but how in the hell are they going to make her belly grow? She should start showing, at least a little, within the next 15 days or so.

...

And Dane Cook didn't go to Duke, but he should've.
 
And Dane Cook didn't go to Duke, but he should've.

That made me laugh so hard I almost fell out of my chair and I started choking.

I think my co-workers believe me to be clinically insane.
 
I cracked up, too.

I think that "(insert name) went to Duke" should be the new way to say that someone sucks. For example:

"Sanjaya Malakar went to Duke."
 
I brought you CDPeons AND "Should've went to Duke". I'm not saying I'd be a first-ballot CDP'Famer, but at the very least, the veteran committe would vote me in...
 
I'm becoming the Robin Williams of the Blogosphere.

He went to Duke, by the way.
 
CDP - I agree wholeheartedly. I will start using that phrase immediately, if not sooner.

Moe - anytime you feel like dropping some wisdom on Spork Nation, please feel free. You're a genius.

I have now added 2 catchphrases to my repertoire this week.
 
I'm just a random reader of/commentor on the CDP, and I realize I'm gate-crashing this here friendly party, so don't hate me: the late great Bill Hicks did a joke wondering what advice "Book of Running" author James Fixx could possible give other than put one foot in front of the other; repeat. FYI: Fixx died right after a good run in 1984. (Another great Hicks joke: "I've read that Jimi Hendrix died in a pool of his own vomit. Do you realize how much you have to vomit to fill up a pool?")

And George Carlin has performed a classic routine called Baseball and Football, in which he tackles (no pun intended) the idea that these are the only viable sports. On running: "People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?"

On swimming: "Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense."

On sailing: "Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?"

You get the idea.
 
Well Todd, there you go.

It should also be mentioned that Dennis Leary stole Hicks' Jim Fixx bit many years later, along with pretty much his entire act.

Of course, Todd didn't steal this from anyone, he's just channeling comedy brilliance.
 
I recently got into an argument with an exceedingly drunk girl at a bar that was insisting that cheerleading is a sport.

Cheerleading is not a sport.
 
Well I'm glad that's all resolved, then. I was afraid I made a funny all by myself, but I see now I'm still mired in the safety of my own hack-dom.

What's the deal with airplane food, anyway?
 
JT - It's not a sport if there's no ball.

Except for MMA. In fact, I'll say that MMA is the only real sport. You can't do it without getting punched, unless you're really good.

TODD - ...And those cell phones? I mean, what is the deal?
 
Don't even get me started on driveways vs. parkways.

/Enjoy the veal. I'll be here all night.
 
A friend of mine insists that horseracing is a sport. I asked him if racing disallowed betting, would he follow it like he follows football? The answer was no, of course.

And I didn't mean to imply the joke was stolen. A few years ago I joked that when Michael Jackson paraded his kids in public with hankies or cowls or whatever he put over their faces that they looked like hostages being transferred to a new location.

Turned out that Jon Stewart made the same observation a week prior. I was branded a thief for weeks. It haunts me to this day.
 
Cheerleading is not a sport.

How could it be a sport if it can only exist in the presence of other sports?

Cheerleading is not a sport. Cheerleading is a sport-parasite.



All Locke episodes have been incredible. I give this one a Wicked Awesome rating.
Locke is a man that HAS to learn the hard way. Every story we see him get his ass handed to him (quite literally in this last case) Every story we see him a little wiser, determined to not let the world get the better of him again. To no avail. This is a character slow cooked in misery and served on a platter writhing in agony EVERY TIME. Perfect.
 
I agree. Horseracing is NOT a sport. The horses don't even KNOW they're racing...they just know they're getting beaten very hard by a very small man wearing a stupid outfit.
 
Man. Doesn't that sound like a typical weekend for me.

Wait...what?
 

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