Monday, April 30

CDP Post Loaf - 5 Things Edition.

LULZ.

Welcome to a Monday edition of the CDP Post Loaf; consisting of 5 real post parts, but not necessarily considered an actual post. Enjoy.

1
. I finally got around to my Tire-Changing Drill last Thursday. As detailed in last week's adventure, I was unable to help Sherry, my friend and new neighbor, when she was stuck with a flat tire. Vowing to never feel that worthless again, I staged a mock 'blowout' scenario in my garage, with Sherry and The Missus looking on. It was my opinion that if we all learned how to change a tire together, we would all learn something and grow that much more as adults.

The two ladies humored me and watched me struggle, knowing full well that they were never going to have to change a flat tire for as long as they were alive and pretty. Approximately 45 minutes later, I had cut my hand, blackened myself from the wrists down and messed my back up a little bit. But I did, however, learn a brand new skill. For those of you who already know how to change a tire, thank you for allowing me to catch up with you without making fun of me. I appreciate it; it was a pretty big day.

As I was driving to the office this morning, my tire flew off and into the Yahara River. It has not yet been located.

ABBA Gold.

2. I finally got around to buying ABBA Gold last week.

Oh yeah? I am? Really?

Well, suck it. I do what I want.

3. At 5'9" and 156 pounds, I'm very content with my height and weight as a man. My main focus now is to take this lump of clay and mold it into something awesome; hopefully with laser beams of some sort. I'm trying to pay closer attention to what I put into my body and why I'm putting it there. I'm slowly changing my body's metabolism and hope to pack a little more muscle onto my Welterweight frame.

In trying to stay the course and keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak, I've created a few 'Motivational' posters for myself. Just little reminders I can hang on the fridge and cubicle that remind me that I'm trying to get into better shape. Here are a few of them for your viewing pleasure.

Don't Be A Big Mouth!

I keep this one on the freezer. Reminds me that I don't need Ben & Jerry's every night of the week.

Empty Calories!

I keep this one at work to remind me that I don't need to go out for lunch every day. It's expensive and counterproductive to my goals.

During a sprint on the treadmill last week, my heartrate was at 182BPM. For those of you how don't know what that means, just take your car onto the highway and floor the gas pedal until the engine explodes. I was literally seconds away from full-blown cardiac arrest, and I didn't even know it until I put my hands on the little heart rate reader thing. That's not cool; I'm not in shape.

Don't Make Me Cry!

I'm never more depressed than when I break a promise to myself. This one reminds me of that.

You Can Do It!

Sometimes, all you need is a little positivity. This one greets me every time I get into my car.

On the other hand, sometimes you need a good, swift kick in the pants.

Junk Food Is For Retards.

Okay, I'm really sorry about this one. Save the e-mail though, because you're laughing your ass off right now. If you're not, still... don't send me e-mail. I feel really bad about it, seriously.

I really like how my hair was when these pictures were taken. Makes everything look all the more depressing and sad. You know, funny stuff! Don't feel bad for me, though; I'm still smoking hot.

I Love You This Much!

Again, sometimes all you need is a little affirmation to make your days a little brighter.

I Kill You.

Other times...not as much. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Caught By The Fuzz.

4. Do yourself a favor this week and check out Hot Fuzz. It's hands-down the funniest movie of the year, and significantly more violent than 300. What more can you ask for?

5. We have yet to see if the CDP had made the finalists list for the 2007 Hugo Cup. As soon as I get any word, I'll post an announcement. As you may or may not know, the 2007 Hugo Cup recognizes the best Lost-themed pages in the blogosphere. I think you win a trophy. The end.

Thanks for spending your Monday with the CDP. Sound off in the comments section, and enjoy the beautiful day.

Comments:
Thank goodness for Cliff. Nothing like keeping a slightly deformed brother in the basement for motivational support.
 
Someone got to your page by searching for "women wanting online sex master". I'm too afraid to search this out to find out why your page came up...
 
It was from my 'Adventures In Cyber-Sex' post from a month or so back.

Also, it looks like I've won a couple Blogging awards I wasn't even aware of. I placed them in the sidebar; good for me!

In addition to being an 'A-List Blogger' and the proud recipient of the 'Blog Of The Day Award,' I'm still in the running for the Hugo Cup, Milwaukee Online's 'Blog Of The Week' & the Bloggers Choice Awards.

Stop nominating me for things.
 
Congrats on all of the awards/nominations/free dinner if you just listen to me talk about insurance for an hour you're winning.

My current favorite search that found Spork Nation? "Villanova ex-girlfriend pictures."

I have no idea.
 
Nice. I always wonder if the people who find me by searching for this stuff actually hang around and get sidetracked from their goal of seeing something horrible.

That wasn't even a run-on. Rad.

I've also cleaned up the top of my page by moving all of my award stuff to the end of the sidebar. It's nice to get recognized and all, but it was starting to cramp my style. Furthermore, I'mm 99.99% certain that they function as nothing more than glorified links to lesser pages. That's why I changed the HTML, so they don't get the satisfaction of getting more traffic by tossing a fake award my way.
 
I also want to mention that this has inspired me to create an award of my own. Look for that this summer.

Last year, I handed out weekly 'Commie' awards to pop-culture-related goodness. This time around, I want to acknowledge the handful of blogs out there that I actually read and identify with. Saucy!
 
YOu changed the html??? You're a jerk :)
 
I found you're blog by searching: Mediochre Lost gourmet cheese sandwich huh wuh zuh.

It's been a roller coaster of a ride since then.

BTW. I have a foolproof 4 step program for instant blog success and riches beyond your least unpleasant daydreams.

Step 1. Get blog page and name it something that only has meaning to you.

Step 2. Load it with banner ads.

Step 3. Release an accolade contest into the blogosphere with many different categories to give as many blogs as possible the opportunity to "win"

Step 4. Profit
 
Exactly. Just like there are people out there that are famous for just being famous, there are many blogs that just generate traffic and revenue through clicks and no content.

They get revenue, traffic, marketing and demographic information, and what do I get?

A banner that says I rule!
 
That's just what you want though isn't it? c'mon be honest.
 
I just checked to see if I had anymore odd hits. I did. Someone found me by searching "Jaw surgery pounds."

I have no idea what that even means. Not even remotely.
 
Animal shelters that do jaw surgery? Shedding pounds by having your jaw wired shut?
 
BLUSTACON- Man, I don't even know anymore. Recognition is nice, but I'd prefer if it was, you know, real.

JT- I used to get some awesome search hits, but now I just get a lot of "CDP blog" and "Lost Friday CDP" and "theCDP." It's pretty boring when people actually make an effort to find your page.
 
Current Blogger's Choice Awards Standings:

Best Humor Blog:
#12 out of 567 nominees.

Best Pop Culture Blog:
#8 out of 351 nominees.

Best Blog About Stuff:
#9 out of 954 nominees.

Please continue to vote for me in ALL 3 catagories; the links are at the bottom of the sidebar. It's been really cool to see the CDP rub elbows with some of the Blogosphere's heaviest hitters. Thank you and keep supporting the CDP!
 
Every single person on my page came from either the CDP or Spork Nation. One ONE search term, and that was "Lutheran Church." Wow.
 
The vast majority the readers on my page either come directly there, through the CDP, or from a google search for "spork nation."

I just love the wacky ones I get.

First hit from Korea over the weekend!
 
They get the internet in Korea?

Good for them!

(Yes, I'm pretending to be an ignorant American.)
 
Now Bossy understands her problem - she's been hanging Unmotivated posters around!
 
I think I will forever think of you as "Corky" from now on.
 
BOSSY- Damn lazy posters, eating all your Marshmallow Fluff and watching the Game Show Network all day. What have they done for you lately?

SILVERNEUROTIC- Yeah, I probably deserved that.

I especially appreciate the irony in spending $2,000 on an iMac that makes me look retarded in the eyes of others.
 
"Take a Chance On Me" is the song that plays in my head when I'm in a good mood.

ABBA rulz. Now you can play it at the next CDP live chat.
 
Oh yeah, it'll be all ABBA, all the time.
 

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