Monday, June 11

Bomb Pop!

The CDP Book - Phase II.

I figured 150-some comments was enough for the previous post, and besides, we were long overdue for an official CDP Book Update.

In my hands (not right this second, mind you, or else I wouldn't be able to type, ya' freaking mongoloid) I hold 260 pages of the best posts in CDP history. In Phase II of my pre-production process, I will be going page-by-page through the stack, editing, revising, cutting, re-writing and updating everything that's fit to print. This phase will take considerably longer than the initial "cut 1500 pages of worthless crap" phase I just emerged from.

Once this is done, I should have approximately 250 pages (my ideal length) of beautifully edited and formatted text which I will then use to begin my layout process. At this point, it should be the Winter of 2015, and my not-yet-conceived son or daughter will be starting Kindergarten.

Thanks again for the support. Sound off in the comments section and cheer me on.

It was Kenny and her potty mouth wasn't it?

Thought so.
Yup, the section became tainted, and I needed to start anew.

Countdown to cursing in 3...2...1...
(that's all you get when I'm on the spot, kid)

Woo hoo! (soon to be) 250 pages, wicked cool. That really is about the perfect final length for a book of essays. Way to go!

New comment page is a good idea, since it was getting difficult to scroll down to where I last left off without getting a cramp in my mouse scrolling finger.
Yup, exactly. You can also look forward to a BRAND NEW CDP POST later this week! It's mostly photographs, but hey, it's something!

I just got done watching Brian Regan's new Comedy Central special, and it was just wonderful. I strongly encourage you folks to check it out as soon as you can. Including Seinfeld, nobody does the 'casual observation' stuff as well as Regan.
Oh, well I'm glad you had time to watch it. I was busy being awesome, but next time get a break, I'll try to catch it.

By the way, I would sell the CDP book for a living. Like a jewlery maker, or a person who throws sensual body cream parties for 40somethings. Only, I'd be selling CDP greatness.
I also missed the special. I was busy babysitting my boss's drunk wife. The wife who was so drunk she called someone while she was riding in my car to see who was taking her home.

I was. In fact, I was almost in her driveway.

I want to write a post about it so bad, because it's hilarious, but I also don't want to embarass her (read: lose my nighttime job.)
JT, that is hilarious.

The Brian Regan special was very funny (and I hardly ever laugh at comedians.) He's a little spastic occassionally, but nothing I can't handle. And he works clean, which I definitely prefer. (Kenny--that is not an invitation to go on a profanity-laced tirade. Hehe. ^-^ )
CARGIRL- I fully intend to take you up on the offer once the long-awaited CDP book hits the online shelves. You shall quit school and hit the roads of America in an RV with my face airbrushed on the side, peddling CDP wears to quirky townfolk and toothless old prospectors.

Occasionally I'll check in with you, in between cashing unusually large checks and interviews with Entertainment Weekly. It's gunna be so rad.

JT- Wow, that was funny. Sort of reminds me of Pulp Fiction. She didn't OD by snorting Heroin, did she?

HATHERY- If anyone missed the Brian Regan special, you can be certain that Comedy Central will air it every week for the next 19 years.

Daniel Tosh has a new special this Sunday, as well.
No, but she did...damnit all, I'm just going to write a post about it. Stand by.
This sounds intrigueing.
I can't help but think I've acted like her more than a few times.

On a related note, you seem to have a really awesome woman by your side. Don't blow it, dude.
Don't blow it, dude.

Damn, if I didn't know better, I would swear we actually knew each other. I do like to sabotage relationships when they start getting serious!
I'll take 'Fear of commitment' for $200, Alex.

However, judging that you've already been married, you're certainly capable of going the distance. It's just typical behavior that every guy displays when things start to get serious. I still think I'm trying to subconsciously sabotage my marriage, and we've been together for almost 8 years.

For the record, I will personally drive to SC and officiate the wedding myself.
You're all encompassingly underestimating the drive from Wisconsin to Tiger country. Perhaps Jet Blue would serve you better?
I was wondering why you were choosing to drive.

Keep in mind there are no wedding plans yet, though. No ring, no plans, just a vague notion.
If the CDP is coming down to officiate the wedding, I'll volunteer to make the cake. (It's actually something I do.) It's just a short drive down the road for me.

So...JT, it's planned, no backing out now. If you get cold feet, just remember, it's not really about the lifelong commitment to a single individual, it's about a night of drinking with creepy online people you've never met in real life before. What could possibly go wrong in this scenario?!
I'll there, too. I must warn you though, I bring no cakes, no pies, and no brownies. I feel I should be safe in the Terp-Gear. Could you invite Paris Hilton so that we have a Duke alum there, too?
Nice burn, Moe. There are limitless possibilities to that joke.

For awhile now, I've envisioned a big CDP 'meet-up' where all of the CDP alumni would pick a neutral location and gather for a weekend of general awkwardness and cakes.

Then I became shiftless and lazy, figuring that nobody would want to participate in an idea so stupid.
Hear that sound? It's the sound of CDP shamelessly waiting for someone to chime in, "Hey, that would be great!".

I'd be that person to chime, but something tells me my wife and three kids may have a problem with such "general awkwardness". Nonetheless, I'm down. If I can drive it, I'll show up.

Try to avoid February 30th, though. I've got plans...
Nope. I've thought long and hard about it, and I've come to the simple conclusion that a CDP Convention would not be a good idea. It's a damn shame, but it's just not going to work in this capacity.

Come see me when I'm on my Book Tour, however.
Support! Support! I'm so proud of you!
This has gotten bordeline insane. I love it.

Godot - I will take you up on the cake offer. I have spent years in kitchens. I can sautee, grill, reduce, etc., but I cannot bake. Not only that, but Gabriel Garcia Marquez, The Prophet, The Dark is Rising, and The Little Prince? Not too shabby, my dear. (yes, I peeked at your profile) The Little Prince is the only worthwhile thing the French ever did, although they became extremely adept at surrendering. Ich ├╝bergebe!

Moe - Terps are always welcome at my house. I have a soft spot, as my first manager out of college was a Terp, and we remain friends to this day. Just don't show up when we play each other.

CDP - I have conferred with Melissa. You are our minister of choice. However, I require that you bring Hathery and Kenny with you.

Blu - Don't even try to back out.

Jeebus, kids. We're planning a wedding that I don't even have a ring for engagement that is surely forthcoming, and I seem to be announcing it to people I have never seen in person before my own roommate know what is going on.

Yahweh save us all, my somewhat impending nuptials may be the first annual CDP Meet N' Greet.
See, this is what it's all about. Consider us in the on-deck circle, just waiting for the call. Take your time.
Is your ministerial credential valid in SC, CDP?
It is. I checked.
Awesome. One thing is certain - it will not happen during football season.
Or at anytime during March Madness.
July is the ONLY time you can get married.

January - NFL Playoffs
February - Super Bowl + ACC/Big Ten Basketball
March - Madness
April - Baseball
May - This is possible, but not recommended
June - NBA Playoffs (not many care, but it's still an excuse to go to the bar/casino)
July - It's hot. Women will be scantilly clad.
August - NFL talkin' about practice.
September - The Redskins are 1-3
October - The World Series and the Redskins are 2-6.
November - The Redskins have been renamed the Foreskins thanks to a 3-9 start.
December - The CDPeons will have to bail me out of jail due to an on-field attack of Mark Brunell and Joe Gibbs (Campbell was benched for stealing Mark's lunch money).

So, in retrospect, it looks like May and July are your only options. See you next year!
What were we talking about?

Can I get there by boat?
Next July it is. I'll make a note of it.
MOE- That is an incredible calender of excuses. My testosterone production increased 30% after reading it.

JT- I have seen Southern weddings before. I'll pick up the fire crackers and roman candles on my way down.

WAITING- I liked your new profile as well. Where was that tree? That thing is cool! Also, being the space opera junkie that I am, I must ask yo to check out Illium and Olympos by Dan Simmons. A recreation of Homer's version of the Trojan war might be interesting for you. This is the same author that envisions John Keats as the savior of man.

CDP- when the book takes off you can organize a gathering. CDPalooza.

It's just so...beautiful.

Oh man...

...excuse me...I think I have something in my eye...
CDPalooza - Wow. As much as I liked coming up with CDPeons, this one really takes the cake.

You're my boy, Blue!
you know what?
It feels good.
July? Have any of you ever been in Columbia, SC in July???

Anyone from north of the Mason Dixon is liable to melt down here in July.

Moe - That calendar of excuses is nothing short of awesome.

Blu - Fireworks and roman candles can be easily purchased right here in Columbia at Jim Casey's Discount fireworks. Jim Casey also owns a bar, making him a truly great man in my eyes.

Lemee guess; Jim Casey's the Mayor, too.

CDPalooza's going to be huge. I already have Christopher Cross booked for 3 straight nights.
If he ran, I would vote for him. I have no idea what his stance is on anything, and I do nto care. He owns a bar and sells fireworks.

I think you should also book Kriss Kross, just to confuse people.
So many try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this...
JT - Then you've got yourself a cake if you want it. Even if it is July in SC and you want buttercream.

BluStaCon - Not only does SC have fireworks, but we are also a Class 3 firearms state...meaning that it doesn't have to be a mere shotgun wedding, but can be a fully automatic machine gun wedding. Fun, no?

That tree lives about 30 minutes away from Clemson, SC, near Table Rock State Park at a place called Eastatoee Falls/Twin Falls. I have watched that tree grow from essentially a sapling into what is probably a 13-15 year old, slowly breaking apart the granite boulder in which it grows.

I'll have to check out Illium and Olympos. They sound like they might just be right up my alley. Thanks!

CDPalooza! That's too cool.
CDPalooza is wiggida-wiggida-wiggida-wack.
Does this mean I have to wear my tuxedo backwards?
A South Carolina tux has the sleeves cut off anyways, so it won't make much of a difference.

Last South joke ever. I promise*.

*Promise might not be kept.
That's actually a Kentucky tuxedo, not to be confused with a Canadian tuxedo.

No worries, I tell my share of Canadian and French jokes.
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts does not trust its citizens with any form of fireworks more powerful than Bangsnaps. (and those are on a watchlist)

I also just heard that new legislation has just been filed that would require all public restroom doors to push out from the inside. This is to protect our citizens from those who don't wash up after doing their business. (probably Yankee fans)

True so help me.
A Kentucky Tuxedo goes well with a Tennessee Top Hat, which is the funniest term for a Mullet that I've ever heard.

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