Friday, July 20

I Can See Your...Nevermind.

This Gore's For You.

I love the Running Of The Bulls. Sure, it's inhumane, humiliating and completely out-of-touch with modern reality, but it's all worth it for the inevitable goring that takes place each and every year. In some circumstances (like the one pictured above), the bull gets lucky and snags two people at the same time. On rare occasions, he'll even manage to hook up an American guy.

And, in the rarest occasion of all (as pictured), he'll gore two American guys at the same time, straight up the butthole. Sometimes, even tearing their pants off in the process. Hoo-boy!

I Can See Your Butthole.

This, my friends, is the greatest thing that can ever happen in the life of a bull. No matter what, the bull knows that he's about to suffer an exceedingly cruel fate at the hands of a fruity dance-school dropout; the best thing he can do is destroy a few anuses on his way out. In a delightfully ironic twist of fate, the men attempting to appear macho and manly end up crying in a back alley, bleeding profusely from the asshole. It's one of the main reasons I still believe in God.

So, here's to you, Guy Who Runs With The Bulls! You wanted to prove something to yourself and any potential mates that might have been watching, but all you really proved was that you fail at life.

Fail.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; never stop messing with bulls, guys. Ever.

Have a great weekend, and sound off in the comments section.

Comments:
Those pictures pale in comparison to the one with the horn going into that guy's leg. Just under the skin, so you can see the outline of the horn.

*shudder*

And did you get that baby stroller picture off of Fark? Stealer. Genius stealer who will now attribute that picture to your blog.

And off topic, when were you featured "dozens of times" on Fark? And just in case anyone tries, if you type in "cdp.net" without the "the," your computer will be taken over by some sort of super virus. Which says a lot, especially since I'm on a Mac. Can't you just buy every possible URL I may mistakenly type in to prevent this? A pox on you!
 
And one last question as I completely hijack the comments section, how are you posting from the future? The date says "Friday, July 20," and it's Thursday afternoon where I am.

Don't make me accuse you of witchcraft...
 
If you do travel from the future, can I give you some advice?

Please don't buy a Grey's Sports Almanac.

While you think you'll be able to use that to gamble on sports back in the present time and win lots of money, your archenemy Biff will get ahold of the Sports Almanac and cause all sorts of problems in your life.

Trust me. It's not worth it. I learned the hard way.
 
Damn that Biff! He's around every corner! Once I get my hands on a Hoverboard, then I'll finally start getting things done.

Todd, here are the answers to your questions, in rapid-fire format:

1. Yeah, that picture of the horn penetrating that guy's skin is nasty, but you just can't beat a good butthole-goring.

2. I got the photo off of Fark, but I get photos from all over the web. People use my stuff, so I consider it a fair trade. If anyone asks me about the origination of a photo, I always tell the truth. I know you're not accusing me of anything, though. It's cool.

3. The CDP has been linked on Fark and TotalFark at least 15 times, almost aways because of Lost Friday.

4. I'm in the process of securing every CDP-related domain name, including a software company that should run me about a billion dollars. Money well spent, I say!

5. I sometimes write content in advance and publish it when I feel like the previous post has lost its steam. In this case, I would have put it up on 12:01 Friday morning, but I just decided to throw it up before I left work today. I maintain the date of intended publish, instead of actual publish, mainly for archiving purposes.

6. Nah, I'm just screwin' with you. I have a time machine.

Didja watch my videos?
 
In #3, I meant 'always' instead of 'aways.'

The CDP regrets the error.
 
I was just giving you crap about that stroller picture...not accusing you of anything :)

And there is no better phrase than "butthole-goring." I'll stand by that.

And I totally watched the video, and then shared it with my wife, saying, "how similar are our senses of humor?" Then I stole your jokes, put them on my blog, then told people I'd totally let them know where I took them from. ;)

But seriously, the video was great. Although I saw the, "Why is it called a 'rocks glass'? Because it rocks." a split second before you said it, it made me laugh every time I watched it. Kudos to you, good man.
 
Ow. My ass hurts.

Someone should offer him some tampax...or maybe a feminine (er, masculine) napkin in case he doesn't want to lose his butt-virginity on a technicality.

Hmm. On second thought, I suppose taking a bull's horn in the rectum IS losing your butt-virginity. Hand the man a tampax...and a cigarette. And a tissue, since everyone cries their first time, right? RIGHT?
 
Awesome, Todd. I sort of figured it would be one of those things where people would go, "Wow, he really does have the same sense of humor as me! I guess he's not a total fraud and d-bag to boot! I'm gunna make a sandwich!" I'm glad that a good time was had by all, and I don't mind a razzing every now and again.

I came up with the 'Rocks Glass' thing at 2am in bed, and I sprang up to write it down, feeling quite good about myself for the rest of the night. Really, that's what I did. It's sad.

Godot, I.....nevermind. I don't think I'm legally allowed to touch that comment. It's pretty much perfect as is. Anyone else want to take a stab--er, shot at it?
 
Naw, I can't stay away from this.

This is why it's so damn funny. The guy was trying his hardest to show off his testosterone and macho attitude, and what could possibly be more humbling, humiliating and submissive for a straight guy than being brutally butt-raped? The irony is SPOT-ON.

I'm sure he's crying. At least, I hope he is. I remember how much I wailed when I was first pulverized by a 2,000 bull. I thought it would be more...special, you know?

Instead, the bull made up some excuse about having to work early that next morning, and I was left alone in my rec room, listening to the Smashing Pumpkins and crying my little eyes out. Growing up is tough.
 
*2,000 pound bull.
 
That picture reminds me of the time I was at Amy's house at a Winter party ice skating on her pond. I thought it would be funny to do a "triple axle", knowing full well I can't even skate in a straight line let alone do an Olympic skating move. My amazing trick ended with the sharp part of the ice skate going directly up my can-hole. I didn't have blood all over myself, but I did have a hole that went straight through my snow pants, pants, and underwear. Good times. Feel fortunate...I have only shared that story with people outside of my immediate group of 5 friends one time in my life.
 
I giggled at the "fail" pic - I too am a notorious Fark ripper-offer (my two most recent blog posts being glaring examples). Of course, most Fark images aren't original to the poster, either. I also get a lot of junk from the *chan's (at least the stuff that's of the SFW variety).
 
HATHERY - Ahh, the famous 'ice skating' story. I knew it was only a matter of time before it arrived on the CDP. Sorry about yer' butthole.

MAUS - That's the thing, the images on Fark have been passed around like currency by that point. I consider it public domain if it doesn't have a watermark or URL on it, like most of mine do.

By the way, I never tire of those 'WTF?' or 'LOLCAT' pics. Even though they've become almost Internet-Mainstream, they still crack me up. Impact font was made for funny.

Yeah, every now and again, I take a peek into the terrifying world of 4chan, and while most internet image phenomena start there, it's still a really weird place to me.
 
Hoverboards don't work on water...you got to have POWER!
 
Now I'm going to have to watch 'em all over again this weekend...
 
What are you talking about? This has all been lost on me.
 
This is why you can't be on my World Series Of Pop Culture team; it's all Back To The Future stuff.

I still love you, though.
 
Back to the Future? *shudder*
 
Thread killer.
 
You're my density.
 
Hathery: Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here.
 
Yeah, 4chan is a creepfest (or crapfest, even) at the best of times. I check macrochan about once a week, since that's where all of the images basically get archived and some gems can be mined from among the proliferation of anime and prawn images. It makes me feel like the Indiana Jones of the cliched internet meme. I love WTF and lolcats, and even the Ha Ha Quaker sometimes gets a smile out of me still, if it's clever enough. I'm such a dork.

My husband has the Back to the Future box set. I was a little disappointed that most of the outtakes weren'that funny.
 
When my band used to play shows in Green Bay, there was a band called 88MPH, which was an obscure BTTF reference. They were really, really good.
 
HA! HA!
Your Box Set Let You Down!!!1!
 
Me no thread killer! Thread is strong, like bull.
 
I see what you did there.
 
I brought the thread back full circle. Back to bulls.
 
Does this mean we get to start over and talk about buttholes again?
 
I agree with your phrasing of "we get to" talk about buttholes again as opposed to "have to."

Buttholes.
 
Talking about buttholes is a priveledge, through and through.
 
The Back To The Future box sex was assembled at Duke.
 
Heh-heh...you said 'box sex.'
 
Did you know that those guys getting horn-holed were brothers? (I really needed an interrobang there to convey the shock and amazement of that statement.)

And here's one of the brothers smiling like he won the lottery and not convelescing after a brutal butt poke:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19751692/

The douche bag quote of the week: “I remember looking back and thinking I was in trouble."

I'd say so, buddy.
 
MATURE CDP WOULD SAY:

"These men make poor decisions, and I would like to make a joke that represents my disappiontment in their actions."

IMMATURE CDP WOULD SAY:

"Well, at least this was a break from the monotony of them poking each other in the butt all the time."
 
I just want everyone to know how proud I am of what has happened to this page in the past week.
 
The conversation sounds startling similar to most conversations that take place at the CDP headquarters.
 
Box Sex. heh heh.
 
I see from your stats that someone ran your page through the Google page translator. I cannot even imagine what sort of unintentional hilarity must have ensued when they got the translated version...
 
I heart Lott Holtz for invoking the interrobang.

Best punctuation name ever. I really wish I could go back and re-name my freelance business as that.
 
Butthole goring and box sex. It's been that kind of week.
 
It really has.



/Had to look up Interrobang in Wikipedia.
//Not a real writer.
 
If that guy was gay before the Running...he is surely straight now. OUCH!
 
Wow...hate I missed out on all the commenting on Friday.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Back to the Future is our generation's Casablanca.
 
"Here's looking at you, Biff."
 
How did I not know what an interrobang was? And why did I just end that sentence with "was"?

That's just sad.
 
And why did you start a sentence with the word 'and?'

And why did I?

And.....AAAAUGHHHH!!!!
 
These are not serious injuries. Just flesh wounds. If they were seriously gored, they would not survive. There was even a matador who was pierced in the throat. The horns came out of his mouth, knocking out a few teeth along the way. Yet he didn't die. Bulls don't cause serious injuries. It just looks bad because people see a little blood. Anyway, they shouldn't torment the poor bulls.
 

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