Friday, August 10

Worst Vacation Ever.


I'll be on vacation all next week.

Where will I be going? Nowhere!

Well, sort of. I took the next week off so I could (theoretically) put the finishing touches on the long-awaited CDP BOOK that will be (theoretically) dropping in September. In addition to that, I'll be (theoretically) running a 5k on Saturday (tomorrow, fools), heading out to Minneapolis on Tuesday for the Less Than Jake/Reel Big Fish/Streetlight Manifesto/Against All Authority show, attending my Nephew's 1st birthday next Saturday and making my fifth consecutive appearance at the Sun Prairie Sweet Corn Festival next Sunday.

It's barely a vacation at all, but I'll probably get some Mini-Donuts out of the deal at the Corn Fest Carnival, so I'm sold.

In amongst all of this, I need to buy tickets to the Monday Night RAW! taping that will be in Green Bay this September (I already got tickets for the Milwaukee date), mail my busted iPod back to Apple so they can send me a new one, find a suitably classy outfit for the upcoming Pajama & Lingerie Party on the 23rd, snag a birthday present for Evan and pray to Jeebus that I don't get injured on Saturday.

Oh, and I need a haircut, too. I look like a straight-up Dick Factory when it gets shaggy.

After all of this, you'll notice that I really don't have any time to put towards, book. I'm ignoring that glaring fact for now, instead opting to trudge forward and act like I'm on pace to accomplish everything and then some. It's almost certainly not going to happen, but I never expect anything greater than complete failure when I try to do something nice for myself.

You'll also notice that everything I'm spending time on could easily be eliminated if I just didn't give a crap. My life depends on none of these tasks, but I pretend that it does so I can complain about stuff. I'm a bad Buddhist.

So, screw all of that static. For the sake of sanity, here's what I plan to do with the CDP BOOK over the next 10 days:

Today, I handed rough drafts out to approximately 5 close friends and loved ones. Over the next week, they will pick the book apart, circling errors and making notes of anything they find unnecessary and unfunny. While they're busy doing that, I'll be crafting new introductions for all of the essays to be published in the book (75 as of today, and about 340 pages). I will also determine the order of the essays, write an overall introduction, updated table of contents and all other formatting crap that comes with self-publishing your own book.

I'll also start throwing together basic designs for a cover and title. People keep asking me what the name of the book is, and I seriously don't know. It'll be the very last thing I do before it goes to print (put your suggestion in the comments section). These tasks will take me all week, if not a little longer.

At the end of the week, I'll get those 5 drafts back, and cry for several hours over all of the red ink and negative criticism. I'll wish my friends dead, throw all of my work away and set my pants ablaze.

Or, I'll take what they have to say into consideration, making last-minute edits, cutting like crazy and tossing out around 5-7 of the worst-received essays. From there, I'll have the essays done, the order laid out, the contents, introductions, headers and footers written to my liking. I'll be so close, I can almost smell the wood pulp now.

It'll be a 6x9 paperback book, approximately 350 pages with around 70 essays. An exact price hasn't been set, but it'll be within the $16-$19 range. It needs to be for me to make even a scrap of profit. If I can sell 300 copies, I'd be the happiest guy in the world.

I don't like to push deadlines once they are set, so I'm gunning for my initial September release date pretty hardcore. I also want to get this over and done with, so I can start working on new stuff, instead of staring at terrible essays I wrote 3 years ago. I also realize that I'm not a very good promoter of my work.

You'll remember that I started working on this at the beginning of the Summer, and the CDP has changed considerably since then. I want to thank everyone who's stuck it out with me for the last few months; we're almost there, and I can promise big things in store for the future.

We're getting there; I'll see you next Monday. Clearly, I'll have a lot to talk about.

Sound off in the comments section; let's see if we can break 100 comments over the next week. 'Oot!

For the title, I'm still pushing for "I Can See Your Butthole: Essays by Ryan Zeinert"
Part of your job as editor is to think of a few good names. That isn't one of them.

I have zippy suggestions for the title, but CDPeons needs to be mentioned in the "Special Thanks" part of the book.

"Why Sanjaya went to Duke as told by Ryan Zeinart"
I agree that there should be a "Special Thanks" section, but my suggestion for a title would be:

"I wouldn't be where I am today without my wonderful Mother!"
The CDPeons shall be mentioned, without question. I also intend to thank everyone I've met in the last 25 years. Should take up 2, maybe 3 pages, tops.

Mom gets a thank-you, but not the title.

My initial thought for a title/cover was '75 Humorous Personal Essays.' The cover would be an extremely generic, white lay-out with very minimal black text; like cheap, off-brand cans of food and cereal.

The Table Of Contents would say "Essay #1...Essay #2...etc.," and the back cover would be a boilerplate description of what a Humorous Personal Essay is.

I thought it was a funny idea, but the Missus poo-poo'd it.
"A Lifetime Of Buttholes: The CDP Retrospective."
Oof..I'm never very good at these. A friend asked for suggestions for a new album title for his band, and I tossed out a handful I thought were pretty clever. Now I'm not etirely sure if we're on speaking terms...
I love the minimalist idea for the book, but the Missus is probably correct - a lot of people wouldn't receive it well.

I'll put some thought into it while I'm drinking after work tonight. Expect vulgarity and nonsense.
Perfect. I'll take any and all suggestions. I expect dozens to pour in over the next week.

I'll hold off on the 'generic' book design until I'm widely recognized enough to make it happen.
'You’re The Worst French Ambassador We've Ever Had!'

'High School With Cash Registers.'

'Dress Formally From The Waist Up.'

Just some stream-of-consciousness stuff, here. Don't mind me.
Bayside...Class of '93.
"Hey...Is That A Rabbit Over There?!?"
I don't like the generic book idea at all. It is for me to poop on.

Again, my vote is for "I Can See Your Butthole." That way, you'll have the gay porn market covered as well.
"So What Does It Stand For, Anyway?", alluding to the first question everyone asks when you give them your URL.
I like that one, or maybe something by Jack Handy?
"The CDP" has to be in there somewhere, I would imagine, since this is where many of the essays came from. But then where does "Communist Dance Party" come into play with the actual book? It doesn't, really. There needs to be some way to join the two.

The CDP: Leave your little red books at the door. (Keep the furry hats.)

The CDP: Not really communist. Can't really dance. Likes tupperware parties.

Then again there's always:

My First Book, by The CDP
(insert interrobang here)

Bombpop and YOU, by The CDP

What happens when Emo grows up and cuts its hair, by The CDP

I'll throw this over to the CIers and see if they have any suggestions.
Rad. I'm planning on incorporating 'theCDP' into the 2nd line of the title. Something like:

'Poop On A Stick: The CDP Collection.'
Rock You Like A Hurricane: The CDP Chronicles His Years on the Road with The Scorpions
JT: LO effing L

CDP: Who's D?

That is fifth-grade humor for you, akin to the "Blowing Bubbles" joke. You love it. I love it. The first story I ever wrote was called "I'm Not Very Good With Titles" but it worked for the piece, I swear. The last story I wrote was called "Twenty Minutes in March" and the main character's name was March.

I'm a perv.
CDP: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

The True Story of How One Man Gathered a Nation of CDPeons

I'm in the process of editing the book right now. I assure you people: it's a delight! Why, I think you should start a list of people you need to buy copies for!
This Book is Not About Communists, Dancing, or Parties: Discuss Amongst Yourselves.

Scrotum! has my vote! It's settled, then.
The CDP says he wants over 100 comments, and we're getting nowhere fast here.

New topic: If a mime dies in a woods, does anyone hear it?
If a mime dies in a woods, does anyone hear it?

Alternatively: does anyone care?

Where is everyone?
If a mime dies in the woods, how long does it take investigators to find the body?
Can the smell of decay get out of the glass box?

Otherwise, how will the bloodhounds locate the body?
Back from Minneapolis; sick with a cold, but editing the book like crazy. The house is silent; no TV, iTunes or anything. Just me and the draft. It's pretty awesome.

We're not getting to 100 comments; it was just wishful thinking. It's cool, though.
Also sick with a cold. I hate Summer colds...especially in 95 degree heat.
I hear you. What a cruel joke this is; having to bundle up while you sweat your ass off at night. For me, there's nothing worse than being sick while on vacation. It's like scheduling a doctor's appointment for a Saturday; it's just senseless. When you take time off of work, you should always be healthy, end of story.
I'm sniffling too, but it's allergies. Stupid allergies.

A hedgehog will cure what ails me!
I'm counting on the healing powers of scotch.

MMmmm.....scotchy scotch scotch!
Perhaps a hedgehog dipped in scotch?
Sick on vacation? That really sucks. Count your blessings that you don't have bronchitis. It's been two weeks, and the doctor says I'm fine - so why do I still have this hacking cough that surfaces whenever I laugh. And only when I laugh. It's like I'm an 80 year old asthmatic chain smoker with emphyzema. Watching MST3K clips tonight with my husband was downright painful.

Maybe some scoth would help...
But, scotch would be better. :/
Screwdrivers will give you the Vitamin C you need to fight this thing! Drink 8 a day for maximum health.
CDP: I've had 6 so far, but I'm starting to feel kind of dizzy and I can't stop grinning. I think I may be allergic to screwdrivers, so I'm going to drive myself to the emergency room immediately!
Yeah, don't get all swelly.

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