Friday, October 19

You'll Know When I'm Trying To Scare You.

I Like Sammitches.

I wanted to wait until closer to Halloween to talk about this, but I just can't wait anymore. This is my favorite holiday, after all, there's no use in trying to wait any longer.

Today I reach out to The CDP Network and ask this simple question:

"What are you doing for Halloween?"

Costumes? Parties? Taking the kids out? Decorating the house? What are the trick-or-treating hours in your town? What are you handing out to the kids? These are questions I honestly want to know the answers to.

Please start the discussion in the comments section, and enjoy your weekend. Next week, I'll tell you all about my experience working as an actor in a Haunted House, and the unbridled joy of making a deserving child piss their pants.

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If past is prologue, we will probably have some friends over for snacks and then pound the pavement with Little One, who has expressed interest in being a ghost this year.

I, too, love Halloween. Every year, I suggest to the Missus that I would like to cover [or as I have lately started saying "decorate"] the house and yard with truly scary stuff. Screw cardboard skeletons and orange Christmas lights. I'm talking about real waste products from the butcher shop. Bones littering the porch, intestines hanging from the trees, and blood splattered everywhere so that people's kids are slipping in the stuff. Why pussy-foot around? Real flies, real maggots, real stench, real blood. Now that's scary.

Fortunately for my criminal record, she just rolls her eyes at me, and we move on.
Sounds like fun. The one cool thing about kids is that you kind of get to re-live your childhood through them. You can go out for Halloween again without becoming a registered sex offender.

I wanted to do the same thing with the front yard, only me and the Missus would just take turns brutally 'murdering' each other every time a group of kids walked past. We'd just buy a lot of fake weapons and blood, and absolutely go to town on each other until the cops showed up.

Women really are the voice of reason sometimes.
I usually attend a block party at my parents' higher scale neighborhood, but since Halloween is in the middle of the week and it's a school night we're staying home this year (how to tell you're really an adult: you don't make plans to do fun things because "It's a school night").

I am the chosen lack o'lantern carver in my family, so the early evening will be spent disembowling a couple of pumpkins. Then I'll decorate the porch with the typical Halloween fare: cotton spiderwebs, silk fall leaves, orange string lights, etc. My son has alternately expressed an interest in being a race car driver, a zombie, a power ranger, a pirate, a tiger, and back to race car driver. I'll take him to Target this week and just let him pick something, since houses with candy are slim pickings in my neighborhood and I'm not spending a lot of cash on a costume if we're not trick or treating. We'll chill on the porch and give candy to any kids who accidently wander onto our block.
Whenever me and the Missus have to leave a function early during the week, we say it's a 'school night.' Somehow, 'work night' sounds a lot more sad.

We're also considering carving pumpkins, even though my lovely wife has all but refused. I haven't done it in so long; I just remember it fondly is all.

At Target, there are a ton of really cool fake weapons your son might like. There's also a really neat Chewbacca costume. I don't know what allows me to spend $100 every week at that place, but I'm always there.

So, what kind of candy are we handing out? Because we don't get a lot of kids on our street (it's a retirement community), we buy some full-sized Snickers and Kit-Kat bars for whatever lucky kid decides to knock on our door. Then we eat the rest.
What I meant to say is that we eat the kids.
I will not take part in this gourdal genocide.
So be it. I didn't want to do it anyways.

Here comes an Early-Morning Rant:

Anytime anyone pitches a fun activity to me, I go with it, regardless of how innane or stupid it is (with the exception of camping; even I have my standards). I've been to pet shows, craft fairs and more parades than I care to ever discuss.

So, what do I get for being a good friend/husband that's willing to compromise? I get crapped on because I'm not having as much fun as everyone else is. Meanwhile, on the extremely rare chance (maybe 3 times a year) that I come up with an activity that I'm passionate enough about to bring up, it gets almost instantly shot down and forgotten. It's the reason that I've never picked a vacation destination, it's the reason I can't help but act like a jerk in knick-knack shops, and it's the reason I'll be carving a pumpkin alone in the garage this year.

What gives, yo?

Early-Morning Rant over.

I'm not pissed off or anything (being a husband means that you compromise on a minute-by-minute basis, and I'm kind of kidding because I don't really care about anything), I just became intensely reminded that my opinions and ideas really only come into play when nobody else has one.

Anyone ever feel this way, like, all the time?
I don't shoot down your ideas. You know how much I care for round things, and it would really hurt my feelings to see one get carved. Although I did butcher a melon on my own this year, so maybe I could stand to see a gourd carving.

Here's a compromise--we buy a pumpkin from the local pumpkinry down the road, but it has to be one that I have no emotional attachment to (i.e. not the pumpkin on my porch right now). We will carve said pumpkin, like a family, and display it for Halloweenie. We can even buy a fancy kit with stencils.
Nope, it's too late. I hate the idea now.

Naw, we'll do it on Saturday or Sunday. Probably Sunday. With the kids.

Does anyone else carve pumpkins?
I would like to carve pumpkins this year. I haven't carved one since I left my job in Oshkosh where we would have a pumpkin carving contest every year. It was a team thing and my boss would take it so seriously. It was pretty funny.

The worst is scooping out the seeds though. I hate how slimy it is inside there.

Other than that, I don't really get into Halloween all that much. I'm not very much a fan of dressing up. I like handing out candy but I have school that night so I have to miss out.
Yeah, I haven't carved pumpkins in probably 17 years. I might hate it; who knows?

Now that I'm an adult, I'm taking far more pride in rekindling little things I took for granted as a child, and bucking certain trends your parents instill in you. I buy flexi-straws even though they're more expensive, I stand with the refrigerator door open for minutes at a time, I eat cookies before dinner and I go to bed whenever I want.

Immature? Sure. Fun? Absolutely.

So rarely do I get to dress up anymore; mainly because none of my friends are interested in the concept of a Halloween-themed party (something I've wanted to do for-freaking-EVER). This year, I'm just going to someone elses' party.

From what I can tell, it sucks overall that Halloween had to fall on a Wednesday this year.
Melissa and I are planning on carving a pumpkin as well, and I'm going to be all domestic and roast the seeds and make a pie or two with the rest.

We'll have to wait until next week, it's still hitting the mid-eighties here during the day, so that thing would rot away quickly right now. Stupid Al Gore and his global warming.

Also, I'm throwing the annual Halloween party. Debauchery will ensue.
Mmmm...roasted pumpkin seeds! Now that's something I could get into. Perhaps this pumpkin will not die in vain!
Right on. Post pictures; I know I will.

For as beautiful as a Wisconsin Autumn is, it's getting shorter every year. We have about 5 weeks that are really nice, wedged in between 90-degree days and permafrost.

On an unrelated topic, I ate a sub sandwich yesterday that was loaded with onions. Since then, I've brushed my teeth 3 times, used mouthwash 2 times, chewed 2 sticks of gum and ate 2 other meals, but I can still taste the damn onions. Is that even possible?
Yes, because all those things are only surface remedies. That onion is in your blood now man! Your screwed!

Like those people who eat whole cloves of garlic for their health. Yeah you may think your being healthy, but how healthy is it to be alone. and shunned. C'mon, let's stop this now. together.
You guys go way crazy for Halloween. I probably say that because we didn't really celebrate Halloween growing up. Not for religious reasons, but because we lived in BFE. We weren't going to walk a mile to the nearest neighbor to get a few treats. Nor were my parents going to drive us.

That said, we will do the same as last year. I will man the fort and give candy out while my Missus takes Little Hoss around. We don't decorate or anything. This year it's too wet (5 inches of rain this week!).

Kids in my neighborhood make a haul. Last year I had to meet them half-way through our two-block cul-de-sac because the Little Hoss' s bag was too full.
BLUSTACON- I fear you might be right. I'll officially be The Guy That Smells Like Onions until my time on this earth is complete. That's what I deserve for eating at Subway.

HOSS- When I was young, we had no visitors to our place, either, save for relatives and whatnot. We didn't decorate and pretty much hid from visitors. That's really another story on its own, and the reason I like it so much now.

As a kid, I'd set up some elaborate trick or scare outside, only to spend the entire night out there, alone, with no visitors. I still did it every year, because I freaking loved it.

Cul-De-Sac communities are goldmines for candy. They also minimize your chances of getting hit by a car.

What's Little Hoss going as?
I quite possibly live in the worst place for Halloween antics EVER.

My road is full of old farts who can't control their bladder, or overweight, middle-aged, builder widdowers.

The most exciting thing I've done for Halloween is buy a plastic glowing pumpkin, and put it in my window.

I don't think Britain's great for holidays, to be honest.
No, probably not. I've tried British chocolate, and too much of that at one time will kill you. It's like having 10 flavor-induced orgasms at once.

Excuse me. Sorry about that, I was out of line.

I meant 'flavour.'
I'm going to dress up in the coolest costume ever and go to work and class in it and then Hallo-Rockin-Ween at the High Noon for the Dane101 party. Or I'm going to hitchhike to SC for JT's party.
Probably just stay at home. I'm not a Halloween person, I don't even like watching scary movies!
See you at the Dane 101 party, Kenny. I'm super-excited for it. We can drive to SC together; make a road trip out of it.

(gasp) You don't like scary movies? Or Halloween?!?

Hold on....give me a second here to compose myself....

I just...I don't....Jesus....
Sherry and I used to Trick or Treat down in the "condos"...that's the rich section of town back home where we're from. We would go there because some of the families would hand out full-sized candy bars, and some people actually gave out money because they were single, childless, and not expecting to get trick-or-treaters.
Hells yes! Spork Nation Axis of Allies Convention! Of course, I won't have the cosplay and J-Pop elements of Geek.Kon, but I will have lots of booze.

Spring 2008.
My daughter was born on Halloween. How cool is that? Now, even as adults, we have an excuse to decorate and have a party. She will be Tinkerbell this year. My son will be her protector, Buzz Lightyear. For the youngest, its her turn in the pumpkin suit.
Born on Halloween? Man, that will make for some great birthday parties.
Yeah, we've been trying to change it up every year so she won't get sick of the whole costume thing. This year it's a pajama party.
HATHERY- That's what we do! Full-sized, all the way! Granted, I've only had 1 trick-or-treater since I started living on my own, but screw that noise!

JT- We're there. I always think about throwing a CDP meet-up someday, but a book-signing tour just makes so much more sense.

BLUSTACON- Born on Halloween. Wild. At my house, every weekday after 9pm is a pajama party.

So tell me, what was your favorite Halloween costume ever? For me, it was probably the Sylvester the Cat costume I never actually got to wear. Search "That's My Costume" for the full story on that mess.
Little Hoss is going as Minnie Mouse. It was her choice. We went to Disney Land earlier this year and Minnie waved to her during the parade. Her life hasn't been the same since.

She was Blue, of Blue's Clues fame last year. She had a ton of fun with that.

Cul-de-sacs are great for trick or treating. Our neighborhood is especially family-friendly so it's a small wonder she makes out like a bandit.
My favorite was a Spiderman costume that shot silly string. It was (as the kids say) rad.
HOSS- I've really liked cul-de-sacs ever since I saw The Burbs, the funniest movie ever. Some day I will live like Tom Hanks did in that film; married to Carrie Fisher and living next to Corey Feldman.

BLUSTACON- That does sound pretty rad! If you would have carried around a lighter with you, it could have been an instant flame-thrower.
My favorite was the butterfly costume my mom made me in preschool. She expertly drew me some cardboard wings that attached by velcro to my teal leotard.I had jack-o-lantern antennae to complete the ensemble. I was ADORABLE.

It was also the worst Halloween ever, because my mom insisted on me wearing a sweatshirt over my leotard since, you was like 45 degrees that day.

Parents never seem to understand that it's worth catching pneumonia not to have to wear a jacket over your costume.
Yup, I think we've all experienced that at least once. I think parents forget how abnormally hot those costumes are to wear.
Well, I just had a leotard and leggings, so it would have been child abuse to allow me to go outside in just that. I really, really wanted to though.
sometimes the fire of righteousness can be the best jacket of all. especially in 5 year olds.
I remember being Punky Brewster one year, and I was asked multiple times over the course of the evening's trick or treatings if I was supposed to be either a punk rocker or a prostitute. Since I couldn't have been older than eight or nine, I didn't have a clue what either of those things were. I was also the Jolly Green Giant's little buddy Sprout one year. (I was the smallest kid in all of my classes for...well, just about until high school)

I don't know what we'll give away to out little visitors, should we actually get any. We still have to get my son a costume. I feel SO unprepared. As far as carving the pumpkin (aka, "gutting the gourd"), I hate ripping out the innards, but we roast the seeds and I get very artsy with the carving. We'll get at least two for the porch this year from the pumpkin patch up the road. If you're not up for carving, you could always paint a face on your pumpkin.
I was dressed as a hippie one year and everyone thought I was a prostitute. I guess I didn't realize that hippies weren't known for wearing hotpants and go-go boots. It was a sad fifth-grade Halloween.

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