Thursday, November 29

24 Hours Until Doomsday.

November 30 - 65 Poor Life Decisions.

It's all set.

The book is finished.

The book has been published.

The book is ready for you to purchase.

Tomorrow is the biggest day in the history of the CDP.

My pants. They are so soggy. Soggy with anticipation. Anticipation mixed with urine.

Look, what more is there to talk about? Come Friday morning, I will globally release my first book to the raving masses. Interviews have taken place. Questions have been answered. Over the next few weeks, I'll be shaking more hands, meeting more people and doing more press. The book will be reviewed, criticized, praised and mocked. Complete strangers, lifelong friends and loyal fans will buy it. Hopefully, they will all be entertained in one way or another.

You know how you can buy it (I'll remind you again tomorrow, just to be sure). You know what's in it and you know what to expect. Tomorrow is the beginning of something completely new to me. I can't wait. I hope you can't wait, either.

Please direct any questions to the comments section or to I'll answer anything for you, and do absolutely everything I can to make sure a book goes out to everyone that wants one.

It's all set, friends. Have a good day.

Congrats, my friend.

Also, I'm drunk.
I'm going to pee myself. I'm so exctied.
Thanks, JT. Congrats on being drunk, as well.

Cargirl, I like you because you don't seem to sleep. Ever. Thanks for the praise and urination.

I keep reminding myself that this isn't the end of anything, just the beginning of a lot more work. Mailorders need to go out, finances and profits need to be carefully calculated, whores and meth need to be purchased with reckless abandon.

I'm ready. This was the point, after all.
Hasn't Jeff Hardy taught you ANYTHING about meth?
Yeah...that it makes you AWESOME.
And only about 2 months late! Be proud CDP.

Urrrgghhh...staying off school when you're ill is never as fun as you imagine it will be...
Har de har har.

Question on money orders: When you get one, it needs to be made out to YOU directly, right? Not the CDP? Otherwise how else would you cash it, since you don't have a bank account in that name? Just checking. I don't know nuttin bout no money orders. I suggest you put up some clear, concise directions tomorrow about how to order, including who to make money orders out to and international ordering.
Sleep is for the weak. Meth is for the awesome.
I'll put up additional money order/international ordering instructions tomorrow. So far, I only know of one person who's using a money order, and they were smart enough to use my real name. It'll be just fine.

Sleep is for those who don't use meth.

Are you home from school again? :)
No. I wish. I'm on my iPhone in Spanish class. Soy un estafasora! Sneaking peeks of the CDP in Spanish class on your iPhone. Every time I go to the Apple store, I set every computer to my site.
Every time I go to the Apple store, I set every computer to my site.


Also, I am now hungover. Damn you, beer!

(I don't mean it beer! Come back!)
CDP- Niiiiiiice.
JT- Niiiiiiice.

I'm in P.E. now. Our teacher seperated us into two volleyball games: the white kids game and the Mexican kids game. Niiiiice.
JT - Due to not wanting to feel like I was being dragged through the slimiest pits of hell, I've successfully avoided hangovers for two years now. I'm telling you, a tall glass of water and two ibuprofen before bed will make everything better. You just need to remember to do it.

Or, just don't drink at all. The Missus reminds me of this option regularly.

CARGIRL - I like these school day iPhone updates. I'm surprised they let you carry those around. Do they confiscate them during exams?

If they would have separated my gym class by race, the one black kid would be playing the one Mexican kid, and the remaining 22 of us would be at the other net.

White Winneconne Wisconsin. That was our freaking nickname.
Cargirl - I'm intrigued. When I was in highschool (96-99), we couldn't have PAGERS, let alone a freaking cell phone. When did this change?
That's the thing: we CAN'T have cellulars. As you may have learned from browsing the coments of any blog post here, the art of concealing is very handy. The iPhone is small and silent, so it's easy to use sneakily.
IE: She's a rebel.

Not only that, but she's risking it for the CDP! Whooot!
So the CDP doesn't make your iPhone crash? Every time we tried to visit it at the Apple store, it made the browser crash. I wonder if that's b/c we were inside the mall? If thats the case, that may just change everything...
My apologies for the misinformation yesterday regarding the cashing of money orders at the Post Office. You can cash "Postal Money Orders" at any Post Office (provided they have enough money) and you do not have to spend 1/2 of it there. If it is a "bank money order" or "convenience store money order", you can cash those at any bank. The money order should be written out to you, but if they would put the CDP on it, you will have to sign it CDP and then your signature underneath. Again, sorry for the mix up.
CDP- you're saying I'm a rebel WITH a cause?

HATHERY- it used to make the browser crash but after the most recent software update, it doesnt. It also helps if I close other applications.

P.S.- I'm in American History now, watching Roots. Best miniseries ever.
TAMMAZAZZY - Thanks for the info. It all spends the same to me.

HATHERY - The iPhone has officially been added to my Christmas list. Ahoy!

CARGIRL - You're a rebel with a worthwhile and well-thought-out cause. You're so badass, you should be chewing on a toothpick and rolling your cigarette pack in your t-shirt sleeve.

When I was in high school, I would write stories with my free time. Now, high schoolers can spend their free time reading stories that I write in my free time.

What's important is that it's all about me.
Roots is really, really good.
Your school is a lot more cultured than ours. In my Social History class, we watched "The Gods Must Be Crazy." I loved it. Not sure what it had to do with anything, but nevertheless...
Seriously, I think my school sucked the most. We didn't watch Roots, or the The Gods Must Be Crazy (which incidentally, my Women in Society instructor has recommended to us on more than one occasion). I pretty much only remember watching Mr. Smith Goes to Washington in 8th grade, and then Glory junior year in high school. I know we watched more movies than that, but those are the only ones I remember. Oh, and Mr. Schindler's List, which I then had to watch again for a class in college and was forced to write a lengthy paper analyzing the hell out of it. Talk about depressing.

Also, I concurr with chugging water right before bed as the best hangover cure ever. The problem, as you mentioned, is remembering. Most of the time I'm so drunk I just want to roll into bed right when I get home.
List of films I remember watching in school:

Twelve Angry Men
The Virgin Suicides
At First Sight
Titanic (in the theatre)
Goodburger (in the theatre)
I Am Sam (in the theatre)
The Gods Must Be Crazy
The Scarlet Letter (PBS Miniseries)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Patriot
It's a Wonderful Life
A Christmas Story
A Christmas Carol
Jack Frost
The Little Mermaid
Romeo & Juliet (nudity version, nudity skipped)
Roots (only a portion)
Of Mice and Men
As Good As It Gets
With Honors
Miracle on 34th Street
Men In Black
Austin Powers (bus trip)
Grease (bus trip)

Hmmm...those are all I can really think of right now. Obviously, they learned me real good at that school.
We watched a lot of good films, mainly because I think the bulk of my instructors were burned out and turned off to the world.

The main component of a hangover is dehydration. Your liver is working super hard, not enough water is getting to your brain, which causes massive headaches and feelings of overall death. Drinking alcohol dehydrates you, and nothing causes a headache or bodily problems quicker than no water.

Before bed, drink the tall glass of water with the ibuprofen. You'll sleep well, it'll keep the dizzies down, and you'll wake up surprised.
I have a stack of notebooks at my house that should be school notes but are instead filled with doodles a d stories and (sadly) comics/graphic stories.

P.S.- just got out of lunch, with my sexy teacher. Awkward. Now I'm in math. Trigonometry is for lovers.
Cargirl, hang onto those notebooks forever. I'm so angry I threw so much stuff away that I never thought I'd care about again. Stow it away, forget about it, rediscover it 10 years later and rejoice. They'll come in handy a lot more than school notes will.

When I was in school,
I wrote Haikus for my friends.
Some things never change.

This sexy teacher saga is so thick, it could be drizzled on pancakes. I love it, even though it sort of sucks out loud for you.

The couple that Trigs together, stays together.
P.S.- just got out of lunch, with my sexy teacher. Awkward.

When I was a Senior, I took Psychology class because I didn't feel like taking anything hard or useful (nothing against Psych, but at our school, the class was a gimme).

The teacher was a newer teacher that was very attractive, and most of the girls took the class just for that reason. It was certainly a deciding factor in my taking the class.

Our first day, the teacher passed around a little questionnaire with "about me" questions on it...things like "What are your hobbies?", "What is something you might not know about me?", "Why did you take this class?" We were to fill it out honestly, and then he would read the answers to the class without reading the names, and we would guess who we thought the student was. It was a bit of a, "How well do you really know your peers?" sort of experiment.

I sensed weakness in this teacher from the beginning, and took my very first opportunity. Under the questions "Why did you take this class?", I responded simply with, "Because you're hot."

The teacher read off the questionnaires one by one, and everyone had a good time guessing who the students might be. When he got to my sheet, I knew it right away. His face turned bright red, and he was clearly very embarrassed. He mumbled something like "We'll just skip this one, I think..."

From that point on, I had his number. Not his literal phone number or anything, but you know what I mean. Although I probably could have had it if I asked nicely enough.
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That poor, sad, guitar-playing man.

Like I was saying to Cargirl yesterday, even high school-aged women have a sort of power to destroy the most mature adult men. It's bizarre and scary, and it's completely uncontrollable.

High school girls hitting on teachers = Cute and borderline acceptable. Risky, yet harmless.

High school boys hitting on teachers = Slightly less acceptable, not cute. High risk of failure.

Female teachers sleeping with students = Wrong, but happening constantly. An interesting social phenomenon.

Male teachers sleeping with students = Reprehensible and wrong. Too risky to attempt or think about.
He's lucky he had loose moral values. That's all I can say. Otherwise I would have whipped that man into my love-slave right proper.
When I told a teacher she was hot, I got a conference with her and the female principal. That's a bad day, right there; In trouble AND rejected.
Who did you say that to? We never had a hot female teacher!
Oh...was it the Spanish teacher??
Yeah...and she wasn't hot in the least, in retrospect. I should have just gone for the few teachers that really did want to sleep with me.
I know who you're talking about, and that's just...eew. She slept with Mr. No-Billabong, for goodness sake. Barf.
There were others. In that particular situation, even I knew that I needed to avoid the train wreck at all costs.
Wouldn't it be easier for the two of you to just pick up the phone? :)
Oh no you ditn't!!

I don't know if you non-Wisconsinites know this, but tonight's monolithic Packers/Cowboys game is blacked out to anyone outside of the Green Bay/Milwaukee/NFL Network area. This most certainly includes you.

This includes Madison, so hundreds upon thousands of us will be packing every bar in the city to capacity tonight.

This is a huge crock of crap, no doubt about it. I've been looking for a place online that will stream the game, but to no avail so far. How can greedy douchebags prevent 80% of Wisconsin from seeing the game of the year?
Wouldn't it be easier for the two of you to just pick up the phone? :)

I'm already at war with one CDPeon...don't make me add another party to the Axis of Evil.
We're forming an alliance. Allow me to be the Jim Halpert to his Dwight Schrute.

I'll need some help, though. Who's the other CDPeon?
WHAT? You're not aware of this war?? Shunned. You are officially shunned.
If I'm not mistaken, I shunned you months ago, Hathery. Am I that much of an idiot to not realize that it is ME with whom you're at war? Or are there really two of us?
Wow, Hathery. I wish I had the figurative balls to stand up to my teacher. I'm scared to look at him, let alone speak to him or be in the same room as him. The thing with him is that he is hot, he knows he's hot, and he knows I think he's hot. He thinks I stalk him.
He is hot, he knows he's hot, and he knows I think he's hot.

That's the perfect recipe for an asshole, right there.

The best thing to do is just go about your business; act like it never happened. Eventually, you won't be so freaked out when you walk past him, he'll notice that and it should all get back to as much normalcy as can be expected.

Or, you can go the opposite route and stalk him until one of you is forced to leave the district.
I've been drinking water, gatorade, green tea, etc. all day. Still have a headache.

I need to remember that pitchers of beer are meant to be shared, not to be drunk from directly by one man.

...but where's the fun in that?
Yeah, and who wants to dirty up a glass for no reason?

Hey, you should visit Madison. The glasses are the pitchers.
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I would prefer the latter, for the value of personal cinimatic humor. He has recruited his teacher friends to give me dirty looks in the hallway I think. I've never even had Mr. Windquist, but there is a palpable beef between us.

It sucks. And he really isnt an asshole. That's the disturbing thing. He's one of the nicest teachers in the school, and he doesnt like me. He's like the ultimate cool teacher that existed previously only in The OC and Fever Pitch. I want to take his class next year, but I feel the need to avoid him. He would ignore me and I would feel sick when he makes eye contact with me. I'm pretty sure he smokes pot, too. Maybe I should try to deal to him. I just need to find a Mexican willing to part with some pot for me to sell.
Try the Mexican volleyball team.
The best thing to do is just go about your business; act like it never happened. gotta be overt about it. Make HIM the uncomfortable one--you're the star of the show :)

MOE-I do recall this shunning, but I never allowed it to count. You can't shun me on my husband's page. It's illegal.
JT- I'm thinking the Mexicans in horticulture club.
If your tired of working, then check out:

Question: is it sacrilegious? I'm not sure yet .. .
MOE- Hathery is at war with Will and now you. CDP and CGNM are Canada. I am Switzerland and patiently waiting to safeguard any spoils of war they steal from each other. JT is drunk. (or will be soon) JT is Germany.
So, in theory, Will and I are Iraq and Iran?

What did Will do?
MOE- Hathery is at war with Will and now you. CDP and CGNM are Canada. I am Switzerland and patiently waiting to safeguard any spoils of war they steal from each other. JT is drunk. (or will be soon)

What a shock it will be when you realize that all Will has stolen is Billy Joel albums...
What did Will do?

Blare "Born in the USA", while looking at nude pictures of Ted Danson and wishing they were Billy Joel.
Right, but what did Will do to upset you?
JT - Mexican volleyball team...why does that phrase make me laugh so much? It sounds like a Kama Sutra position.

BLUSTACON - You've just successfully recapped an entire week of CDP comment action in four sentences. Good work.

HOSS - I know, when did Cracked start getting funny all of a sudden? Most of their lists are pretty decent when it comes to pop culture.

CARGIRL - Maybe the teacher is pouring on the dislike for you because he wants his peers to know that he knows it's wrong to really be flattered by the whole thing.

Consider the following. He may feel like he can't treat you like he treats everyone else, for fear others will look at it as him not caring about the seriousness of the situation. Maybe his standoffishness is artificial.

Maybe he acts that way because he thinks he has to. You never know. Maybe he really wants this to be over, but he's been getting crap from his peers, and need to prove to them that he's (for whatever reason) above having a student say that he's hot.

Or, he's really, truly embarrassed and upset that it happened, which was all your fault in the first place.

Man, wouldn't it be cool if it were Option A?
JT is totally Germany. That was funny!
Holy freaking comments, by the way.
JT is totally Germany. That was funny!

Oh Cool! Then we can totally hang out! (In a neutral way of course)
Cargirl, that teacher totally wants you. Why else wouldn't he laugh it off? He's just scared of what he'd do if he let's himself get too close...

I'm not sure what Will could do in this war. He's capable of anything. He's already sent me a picture of Ted Danson. Not just any Ted Danson, either...gray-hairedTed Danson. *shudder* JT is Germany.


And I am actually mostly German, with a nice bit of Scottish and Indian (feather head, not red dot) thrown in to add to my heavy drinking.
(feather head, not red dot)

Is that more or less offensive than the way my mom puts it?
"feather head, not red dot..."

Or, as my mother-in-law puts it, "Not an India Indian, but a whoo-whoo Indian." Smooth.

CARGIRL/HATHERY - While it may be true that the teacher is just pouring on the negative emotion for effect, it should be stressed that HE MIGHT NOT BE.

Just have to put that out there.

Hey, the CDP is the 3,200,000th most popular page on the Internet! That may sound weak, but the Internet has 9,000,000,000 pages, ass!
Wow. Nice run of comments over a three minute span.

Cargirl is bringing it (from school, no less), today.

I vote we add JT - Germany to the CDPantehon.

Ralph Wiggum is Idaho.
Is that your Alexa ranking? Your Technorati one is way better, though I'm not entirely sure what they're basing that on..
While it may be true that the teacher is just pouring on the negative emotion for effect, it should be stressed that HE MIGHT NOT BE.

Nope. He wants her. BAD.
JT went to Germany.
Ted Danson went to Duke.

Me and Cargirl are splitting a veggie burger at Tim Horton's right now, while Blustacon manufactures quality knives and fantastic cologne.

Yes, Ralph is Idaho.

HATHERY - Yeah, that's my Alexa ranking, which is essentially flawed and stacked against every site in the history of the Internet. Technorati (more accurate) puts me somewhere near 135,000.

It's best to put this teacher thing to bed, where it belongs.

Yeah. I said it. It's funny!
(feather head, not red dot)

Is that more or less offensive than the way my mom puts it?

I like to think that they're equally offensive.

Yeah...this is some run of comments. Don't any of us actually work?
I like to think that they're equally offensive.

Spoken with a healthy German disdain for all things not German.

"If it's not German, It's Sheist!"

Now I will look upon all of you with disdain while I quietly profit from your troubles.
If I could just sell one book for each comment placed here today, I'd be able to visit Switzerland next year.
I'd really rather visit the UK. If you guys could buy enough books to arrange that, we'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
I thought the profits would go toward worth while endeavors such as grilled cheese critiques not visiting countries with bad food and a good sense of humor.
I bet they've got an excellent grilled cheese in the UK. Carrot Duff, can you weigh in on this?
Blustacon's right. Any profits will go towards Grilled Cheese America.
I go away for half a day and you guys are talking about me. After spending entirely too much time reading these comments I'd like to share a few thoughts:

1- I'm at war with Hathery but it's more of a cold war since we can't face off and throw rocks. What did I do to start this? Nothing except have good taste in music.

2- Hey CDP next time you publish a book, tell someone about it.

3 - I prefer to look at my Technorati ranking instead of the Alexa as it makes me feel like I'm more popular than I really am.
Or buying Ted Dansen's soul from the devil.
Will, your soul is black...blacker than coal.
I'm more like a little tabby cat that walks through the large/scary forest, thus experiencing many crazy adventures with a varity of cute/furry woodland critters, and when I make it out of the forest I get hit by a large Peterbuilt 18 wheeler.

caveman - saying Boner makes everything funnier. Just imagine if the last comment about me said "Your boner is blacker than coal."
HATHERY- When I read what you said about him "wanting me", I laughed and felt nausea at the same time.

CDP- Statutory rape is funny!

I'm done with the whole Sexy Teacher ordeal. When the storyline ends I'll compile it and send it to an as-of-yet uninvented Grey's Anatomy spinoff. GA: Doctors in High School?

P.S.- All above was typed while driving.
Don't type and drive.
sexy teacher?
WILL - Yeah, I've been marketing the hell out of this book, but it's all I can do without banner ads and stuff. All I have is my page and word-of-mouth.

And this folding chair. And this paddle ball.

Technorati > Alexa. They don't know me (snaps fingers in a 'Z' motion)!

Furthermore, they don't know my boner.

CARGIRL - Yeah; it'll be like Doogie Howser, know...good. No, wait! What about Monkey Doctors In High School!?

Also, you're 16, and you just told me that statutory rape was funny. I want to laugh and tell you that was awesome, but I'm supposed to act like it's not. I think I know how your teacher is feeling right now. lulz!

Don't type and drive.
Mind your own business, Iran.

P.S.- I'm on my way to work, blasting The Police and eating a BK veggie burger and fries.
CDP- Thats totally fine as long as you don't recruit your friends to hate on me and give me dirty looks.

That being said, is it just me or is he acting VERY 'hugh school'?
CDP- excellent Jerk reference. You da man.

Also, I think Doogie went off the air the year after she was born. Thanks a lot CGNM!
Yeah it probably did. I was born in '91 (take a moment now to feel old, '70s and '80s babies). Fortunately, I'm cultured enough to understand the reference.
I'm so old, I remember when NPH was straight.
(rimshot) Me, too. I never thought 25 would feel old, but here we are.

I'm outta here. I need to find a place to watch the Packer game tonight. It's been a good day; tomorrow will be better. do I.
I'm just checking in to see what's going on...

Carry on, then.

And don't forget about that banner. If you make it HTML-friendly I can post it on a couple of sites.
I am currently anxiously awaiting another 12:01 AM post.

And I'm not drunk!
Just got back from watching the Packer game. It's not 12:01, but 12:07 will have to do. I'm working on the 'book release' post as we speak; I like that you sleep about as much as I do, Cargirl.
Like we established before, sleep is for the meth-induced and the weak, which we are neither of.

I am never going to sleep. I honestly dislike, and am a bit scared of sleep. Existential reasons, I believe.

It's 12:19 and no post.
I could be playing GHIII right now.
I tried going on Stickam because no one on there ever sleeps, but the only people who would talk to me were Australians and people with names like blackandlong69. Eh, not interested, no offense to the Aussies.

I'm thinking about diving into a visit to the WoW, but I think I'll get too engulfed in it and look at the clock at 3:39 and crap my pants.
I used to have serious sleep problems. I eventually wrote a funny screenplay about it that nobody cared about.

Sorry about keeping you from GHIII. If I had known you were in Stickam, I would have dropped in and said hello. Poop. On the bright side, I have the new post up!

(truth be told, I actually was blackandlong69.)
I figured you were black and long. I don't know, I didn't stick around long enough to see the video come up, for fear of losing my purity.
Yeah, you're going to want to hang onto that for as long as you can.
Indeed. But I believe blackandlong69 had other ideas.


I posted on the CGNM already, by the way. I wrote a post, then sat here refreshing your page and copied/pasted links and posted a few seconds after you. Not stalker-ish at all, right?
I'm not too worried about it. :) Furthermore, if you really were stalking me, then maybe you'd come up to Madison more often!

Very, very soon, Madison will become a frozen, hostile wasteland (like Chicago), and you're going to want to stay away until April. Plan accordingly.
I would love to make it to Madison some Saturday when I'm bored out of my mind and have 5+ hours to burn. Also, there's an issue of parental consent.

I assume I can't think of a plausible reason for my disappearance for that long. I'm open to suggestions though.
"Hey Mom, I'm crossing state lines to hang out with a 25 year old stranger I met on the Internet. Be back after dark!"

I don't see the problem.
I see no problem either! However, I have a feeling my mother will feel otherwise.
I am shocked and appalled. All me and the Missus want to do is make a small lamp out of your skin, why does she have to be all worried?
I don't know. Didn't we already have a conversation about fashioning things from my skin? I suppose it would accent your 4 good luck cats well.
I'm not helping the cause much, I see. I'd better keep the serial killer talk to a minimum.

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