Monday, November 5

Lucky Strike.

Lucky Strike.

Like most fans of television and film, I've been closely following the impending Writer's Guild strike. For a lot of people, this is extremely bad news. Current televised entertainment is on the verge of shutting down until God knows when. Your favorite shows might go on indefinite hiatus while royalty and distribution fees are compromised by those fatcats in Hollywood. Television might be on the verge of a new Dark Age, much like the 'Yes, Dear' Period from 2000 to 2006.

The good news? The CDP is here to help.

I am proposing, effective immediately, that I take over the head writing and producing duties of every major television show in the nation. I won't ask for credit and I won't ask for time off. Saving Hollywood will be a tough job, but I'm ready to go at it alone. I never really worked well with others anyway.

Desperate Housewives? I'm your man with the scandal. Lost? Come on, who knows more about that show than I do? Gray's Anatomy? Hell, I could poop out an entire season of sex-fueled medical dramatics over the course of a three-day weekend. I'm a writing machine and I'm ready to work for you, all for a reasonable and affordable non-union fee.

You really can't afford not to take a chance on me. What's the worst that can happen?

I've been told that because they are in daily need for topical and current humor, late-night talk shows will be the first to feel the wrath of the writers strike. No problem. Here's a few quick-fixes that will last for years if need be.

Show - Late Night With Conan O'Brien

Target Demo - 18-24 year olds, typically inebriated or otherwise medicated.

Quick Fix - Conan plays a different board game with Christopher Walken each night. You won't even need to edit this one. One hard camera, a couple microphones and some lighting. Broadcast live and worry not about plummeting ratings, my babies.


Show - The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Target Demo - 25-49 year olds that have forgotten what humor is supposed to be.

Quick Fix - Each night, Jay gives away one of his prized vintage cars until the strike is over, or until he retires from The Tonight Show in 2009. The car will be given away to one member of his audience, as a way of thanking them for even showing up.


Show - The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

Target Demo - People whose remote control batteries have died.

Quick Fix - Honestly, it's pretty clear that this show has been operating without writers since Day One. I wouldn't change a thing.


Show - Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Target Demo - Same as Conan, only significantly less educated.

Quick Fix - Sarah Silverman shows up and just spews random profanities and racial slurs into a lone mic for 60 minutes a night. Seems to be working good for her so far.


Show - Late Night With David Letterman

Target Demo - Anyone up at 11:30 Eastern.

Quick Fix - David just cracks wise with his interns, band leader and audience members. Hey, it might be stupid, but we're in crisis mode, here-- wait, he already does that? Every night?!?


Show - Last Call With Carson Daly

Target Demo - The asleep.

Quick Fix - At least once a week, Carson invites Satan onto the show and discusses the deal he made with him in exchange for talentless fame, wealth and the chance to have sex with Jennifer Love-Hewitt.


Just like that, the CDP has single-handedly saved Late Night.

Lucky Strike.

Just because I'm not writing fiction on my page, don't let that convince you that I'm not awesome at it. Here are just a handful of suggestions as to how I'd make prime-time rad again.

Show - Heroes

Premise - Regular people become superhumans, and yet it's all pretty boring.

Quick Fix - 60 minutes of Hayden Panettiere and Kristen Bell in front of a blue screen, dancing to 'Hungry Like The Wolf' with images of previous Heroes episodes projected behind them.


Show - House, MD.

Premise - Dr. House is a troubled, grumpy medical genius with a fake American accent.

Quick Fix - Turn it into a reality show where the actors attempt to actually treat individuals with a one-in-a-billion medical anomaly. Seriously, what's the worst that can happen?


Show - Lost

Premise - I still don't know, really.

Quick Fix - No more shirts for anyone. Good for the ladies as well as the gents.


Show - Friday Night Lights

Premise - The most amazing television show on God's green Earth, you neanderthal idiots.

Quick Fix - Explosions In The Sky plays over the top of every episode, while the cast just mimics arguing with one another and breaking things. Maybe a few football scenes, too.


Show - Saturday Night Live

Premise - Live, cutting edge skewering of current events through sketch comedy.

Quick Fix - Um.........oh, crap.


Whatever, dude. I'm officially throwing my hat into the ring. Hollywood, look to the blogosphere to find your next generation of selfish, non-union writers. I'll be waiting for you, and my bags are already packed.

NEXT TIME: THE COVER OF 65 POOR LIFE DECISIONS IS REVEALED.

Comments:
The Missus painted all of those Simpsons cast members, and they look freaking incredible in person.
 
Speaking of Heroes, I'm sure everyone has seen the footage of Hayden Panetierre trying to save the dolphins from butchering in China.

What do I have to say? Well...for the first time in too long, a young Hollywood star doing something worth a damn.

Not Hannah Monatana with a personal trainer at age 14, not that chick from High School Musical showing us the naughty, nope...I believe this young lady is the real deal.

She went up against China, for Christ sakes. Those are real tears. Even our own damn government won't do that. Color me her newest biggest fan.

Also, she has a fantastic ass. I'm just saying...
 
I agree. I read about this earlier last week, and I was surprised she cared about something like that. Good for her.
 
Oh, is THAT what she was crying about? I saw a commercial this morning for that gossip show Extra, saying, "What are Hayden's tears for? See what caused this emotional breakdown!" or something to that effect.
 
Honestly, I think it was because I stopped returning her calls. She just won't take "I'm married" for an answer.

Or the dolphins.


Yeah, it was probably the dolphins.

Well...maybe...


No. Dolphins.
 
what's going on with dolphins? Are they still killing them or something?
 
Oh gosh, hun. They're slaughtering them over there. I've seen some of their practices in the past, and it's about as cruel as I've ever seen.

If I were independently wealthy and had cameras following me wherever I went, I'd probably be over there, too.
 
Crowwwwww!!

Sorry. I had to get that out of my system because I love when Tom Servo yells Crow's name. Does that make me weird? If it does - should I care? I recently had to educate my husband on the great Joel vs. Mike debate. I enjoyed the show when Joel was on but I consider myself more of a member of the Mike Nelson camp.

Anyway, your idea for Conan is brilliant, and is honestly something I would watch. Hell...I'd watch Christopher Walken reading the newspaper or eating ice cream. On a loop. 24 hours a day. So, I think this formula could be applied to a good 50% of television programming.

I'm on board for Lost sans shirts all around. But I think it should especially apply to the actor who plays Sawyer. My husband would have said Evangeline Lilly, but I think we saw plenty of her undergarments in the first two seasons and the novelty has worn off.

And not to throw ethnic sterotypes into the mix, but doesn't it seem like the Japanese will pretty much eat anything that walks, crawls, swims, flies or slithers? Endangered species or not. Sometimes I think that the national palate must be tuned to "The rarer the beast, the sweeter the feast". I like sushi and everything, and I've been known to dine on some "exotic" fare (alligator is very popular here, for whatever reason) but I have to draw a line somewhere.
 
So are they eating the dolphins, or what are they doing with them? Or is this still the whole bit about the dolphins getting stuck in the tuna nets?
 
They're eating the dolphins, dear. Considering what we know about them, it's about as humane as killing and eating a chimp. What a bunch of crap.

Every time me and the Missus drive past the local Japanese restaurant, I'm convinced that I'm missing out on a platter where wealthy businessmen eat sushi off of a naked woman. We'd go in, but there's probably nothing in there for us to eat.

As far as Lost goes, we've seen enough of Kate in her underthings. I think that Sayid and Claire need more of a spotlight this season, for nothing more than curiosity on my part. Maybe Locke, too. He's rugged.

Sun? Well, everyone knows where I stand in that regard.

Walken = Ratings, by the way.

I've always loved the MST3K intro; it's my favorite TV show opening behind The Simpsons, and it's only #2 because it changed about 5 different times. I don't have a Crow yet, but I'm working on it. Me and Servo usually stay up late after the Missus goes to sleep, and we eat M&M's and riff on old game shows.

To me the Joel episodes give me a far more nostalgic and fuzzy feeling, while the Mike episodes are more laugh-out-loud funny and far more focused. While I've never met Joel personally, I've met Mike twice, and he's about as nice a guy as you'd imagine. His wife, too.
 
I like Joel, because he's doughy and sad.
 
California rolls are about the closest thing you'll find to vegetarian sushi, but sometimes they put krab in them, so then it doesn't count because then there's fish product in it. You'll want to stay far, far away from a traditional Japanese steak house. Nothing but artfully habachi-seared cuts of meat, as far as the eye can see. No naked ladies as fleshy sushi-platters. That's only in movies. It's kind of a shame.

(You can sometimes get decent vegetarian dishes at a good Thai restaurant)

*GASP* I forgot about Sayid!! Yeah. Sayid too, then. I never liked or felt sympathy for Claire until Chah-llllie's last episode. Now I feel kind of bad for her. I'm sure it won't last long once next season starts and the character does something to profoundly annoy me once again.

When I was younger I never got half of the references in the Joel episodes. I have serious "Aha!" moments when I watch them now, but I agree that Mike's episodes were so much more gut-buster belly laugh inducing and that's probably why I like them as much as I do.
 
"Don't compare yourself, Mike. It ain't healthy."

I think the Joel episodes has some seriously obscure jokes in them, and while the Mike episodes still did, they were a bit more understandable to folks who didn't live in the midwest all their lives. How a show like this lasted over 10 years is amazing to me.

The last time I ate Thai food, I felt as if my tongue had suffered permanent chemical burns. I'm not much for spicy food, and that's about as off-the-charts as you can get.

"What happened to my bay-bee!?!"
 
I"m not terribly sure how anyone outside of the midwest can find that show funny...it's pretty much all inside jokes about the midwest.
 
Oh, not at all. It requires patience and a hardcore knowledge of all aspects of pop culture. What may seem like an inside joke to one will really hit home with another, which is the reason the fans are so dedicated.

Every time I watch an episode of MST3K, I get a joke that I didn't get before. For a television show to keep on giving as you get older and smarter is amazing. To me, only older episodes of The Simpsons come close to matching that brilliance.

You'll never get every joke. It's impossible. They hit you with every reference in the book, then corral you back with some slapstick. I just love the fact that they pretty much got to do whatever the hell they wanted to do. It's one of the most punk shows I've ever seen, and I try to replicate that freedom every chance I get.
 

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