Friday, December 21

The 2007 CDP Year In Review.

2007 CDP Year In Review.

2007 was a monumental year at the CDP. Web traffic tripled across the boards (2500 people will read this post before Christmas; 2800 before Kwanzaa). Content and essays were about as good as you could expect from a borderline-reclusive with crippling ego issues that doesn't do anything for anyone anymore. Pop Culture pundits collectively took their dignity back from Perez Hilton and proclaimed me the current King of the Castle, which is about as mixed of a blessing as having a hot stepsister. Hell, I even published my first book, the profits of which allowed me to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping this year (I sure hope everyone likes pennies and string!). Friends were made, enemies were crushed into powder and gallons of brandy were injected straight into my liver.

2007 was also the year that the Madison Cultural Elite welcomed me into their world with open arms, hoisted me onto their collective back and ran me around town while I giggled and tried to hold the pee in. Local press has shined upon thee, hip tastemakers proclaimed me to be 'in,' and I was successful in not getting fired from my job for the fourth year running. I spent hours in line at the Post Office due to the loyal fans that wanted an autographed copy of my book, and turned my home office into a monument of receipts, Priority mailers and packing tape. I've been told it's all tax deductible, even the bubble wrap.

So, if you're just catching up, or can't get enough of what I'm bringing to the dance, let's take a look back at the year that was, through the eyes of the Little Blog That Could; the CDP.

January 2007.

January
3 - I attempt to get edgier with my fashion sense. It doesn't go well.
5 - Evan, the Official Spokesbaby of the CDP, takes a vacation.
8 - Morphing into a genetic freak takes more work than I'm willing to give.
9 - Randy Orton's head explodes on national television.
22 - Alcohol and karaoke: an American institution.

February 2007.

February
1 - I turn 25 years old. Teenage girls officially find me 'creepy.'
9 - Lost Friday returns for 2007. Hilarity and beards ensue.
14 - The CDP turns 3 years old; finally stops pooping itself.
15 - "What the hell is in our driveway, honey?"
21 - I learn a hard lesson about fatherhood: It sucks ass.

March 2007.

March
7 - I once again create a Mad-Lib. Traffic reaches all-time low.
12 - I have cybersex against my will; Chris Hansen isn't amused.
14 - The five stages of grief, updated for the 21st Century.
28 - Me and the Missus have a language all our own: Annoying.
30 - Lost Friday rolls along. Phrase "Bulletproof Breasts" enters lexicon.

April 2007.

April
2 - I don't have any black friends.
4 - Thanks to good fortune, I almost die in a fiery car wreck.
5 - One of my first (and best) interviews ever.
16 - The very first Live Video Chat takes place. Chat #2 yet to happen.
24 - I make an effort to not be the least responsible person alive.

May 2007.

May
1 - How many times do I have to repost this essay before people care?
7 - The CDP & Pork Tornado: The Golden Spike of humor blog excellence.
15 - I love having drunken, emotional breakdowns at public functions.
21/22 - The best Lost captions of Season 3. Oh, the huge Manatee!
28 - The 65 Poor Life Decisions process begins with a whimpering bang.

June 2007.

June
13 - My annual visit to the House on the Rock. Abject terror ahoy!
15 - The CDP gets a glowing review; my ego takes out an entire city block.
25 - Sometimes I miss my old car, then I realize that I actually don't.
27 - Live Video Chat #2 is cancelled due to nobody giving a crap.
28 - 65 Poor Life Decisions is in full swing; I'm in full depression.

July 2007.

July
5 - Welcome to Devil's Lake. Go to hell.
13 - My single greatest contribution to society, hands down.
16/18 - I teach you how to make a Bomb Pop in my YouTube debut.
23 - I suffer the worst injury of my adulthood thus far.
31 - Bon Jovi visits the family corn stand. Wait, what?

August 2007.

August
1 - Heinz ketchup is magic!
9 - I break my iPod, along with the spines of everyone at the Apple Store.
20 - The aftermath of the worst vacation of my entire life.
23 - My best friend was a 40 pound cat. No Photoshopping required.
29 - My pain is your belly laugh. Enjoy.

September 2007.

September
3 - The CDP Fall Television Preview, pre-strike and full of wide-eyed hope.
10 - I'm not known for physical humor, but...here you go.
24 - We visit the Lodi Corn Maze and get all grabby with stuff.
25 - Ken: By Request Only. An Internet mystery solved by me.
28 - The Missus gets a new car. Hipsters everywhere shed a tear.

October 2007.

October
5 - Dropping a bomb at the EAA.
10 - Geek.Kon PWNZ every N00B in Madison.
12 - I answer everything you ever wanted to know about First Base.
17 - 20 photographs of my Door County vacation. Apple-scented, of course.
24 - An awesomely epic rant on loneliness, aging, the scene and my friends.

November 2007.

November
6 - 65 Poor Life Decisions is finished. Lock up your nerdy daughters.
13 - The Nationwide Mix-Tape Trade reviews start. Friends are lost.
27 - I give you a behind-the-scenes peek into the last six months.
28 - 65 Poor Life Decisions is locked and loaded, and so am I.
30 - The Single Greatest & Most Important Day In CDP History.

December 2007.

December
5 - If only for a fleeting moment, I was your king.
6 - You'd assume I was smart enough to handle the Post Office. Nope.
7/14 - Positive press for my book continues. Blushing at an all-time high.
17 - I name my favorite albums of 2007. Any and all cred is destroyed.
18 - I expose myself to friends and fans. A collective 'ew!' chimes out.

There you have it; an entire year of my life, condensed and organized for your careful scrutiny. Take your time with this post; check out the links, sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

Comments:
Impressive! Although I'm fairly sure I've read every single post exept the January and Febuary ones, I'm not even starting to find this site boring.

And w00t w00t!!! First post!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
 
I do my best to keep you entertained, even during a Clip Post. Sadly, Photoshopping and resizing all of these images took the most time to do.

SECOND POST! W0000T!
 
Nice. There were some posts in there that definitely deserve a read if someone missed them the first time around.

Finished my 51 truths, although upon rereading it, I think I cheted on a few. Oh well.
 
Oh yeah, and I feel obligated to add

Third Post!! CHOOP!
 
Erm....

FIFTH POST! P00T!
 
I'm going to be immature and point out that there are 69 comments posted to "Lost Friday has become Lost Monday". I found it amusing.
 
Ah, don't make me do it. Do I have to? Fine.

SEVENTH POST! POOP!

I've officially checked out of my own brain for today.
 
I totally know, Maus! I didn't want to say anything, because I knew that the whole 'World Orgasm Day' thing would pop back up.

I've always wanted a blog popular enough to warrant the first five people to brag about their commenting status. Rad.

I'll read your truths now, JT.
 
COMMENT #9! PWEEEP!
 
More Rock Band drama going on. Target doesn't have them, Circuit City doesn't have them, Wal-Mart claims it won't be out until February, Best Buy claims it'll be out on Sunday, and EB Games told me yesterday that they would be getting some today. They're the only store that's not open yet, so I'll call them at 10 and get the skinny.

In a pinch, you can buy the PS3 Bundle and the PS2 game individually (the PS3 instruments work with the PS2), which will run $50 more, but what's $50 when you're already in for $160? Of course, then it wouldn't come with a USB Hub, which would also have to be purchased individually, and--

(pop)
 
One of the guys I work with just got a copy, and we're going to start having game night at his house soon.

rawk.
 
Was that the sound of your brain bursting? Ewww!

You dewds and your consoles and games and whatnot. Pssht. My husband attempted to use my son as a pawn to try and guilt me into buying a Wii.
 
JT, that's great. I'm not the owner of a PS3 or 360, so I have to wait for the PS2 version, which apparently is never coming out.

Maus, I'm in a world of pain right now. :)

I own a Wii, and I would totally recommend purchasing one, if there was anything available, ever. I got mine purely by luck; I just happened to show up when three of them were put on the floor. I bought one, and 10 seconds later, the other two were gone. This was a year ago, and I haven't seen another one since.
 
EB Games is sold out. I'm furious.
 
That is ridiculous!!! Try the westside
 
CDP - I, too own a simple PS2. The pain...
 
21 places.

I called 21 places. Essentially everywhere in the county that carries video games.

Every Best Buy.
Every Target.
Every EB & Gamestop.
Every Wal-Mart.
Every Circuit City.
Every Software Ect., which actually still exists.
Every Pre-Played.
Every Game X-Change.

Nothing. The responses have ranged to, "We only have enough for those that pre-ordered," to "February, douche."

So, that's it for me. I'm not waiting another day. I'm spending the extra money for the Frankenstein Bundle. I don't care.
 
Works for me. Whatever makes you stop whining.
 
Like I said before, this game was supposed to ship on DECEMBER 10. Think of all the pre-orders. Think of all the ruined Christmases. Unacceptable, plain and simple.
 
Go play it at Best Buy.
hahahahahahahahahahaha
 
CDP- That sucks. But really, why didn't you re-order? That seems like the obvious choice to me.

Ha. Sorry, I'm a jerk.



P.S.- 21ST P05T!!!! Z0MFGz!!!!111
 
*pre-order!
 
Kenny, you disappeared on me last night! Did I offend you or something when I got naked on cam? I was hot!

Cargirl, I know. The thing is, the bulk of the pre-orders aren't being met, either. NOBODY'S getting a copy.

I'll get it tonight by buying the PS3 version with the PS2 game. Didn't want to, but I can't envision going another weekend without it.

If I can't get a copy tonight, and you have it, I'm coming over to play it. I'll bring a sleeping bag and bail money.
 
TWENTY-FOURZZ!!1!
 
I think if he had pre-ordered, he probably would have killed himself by now.
 
Yes. This is one thing, but that would have been quite another.

There is a void in my gut because of Rock Band. The unmistakable feeling of betrayal and sadness, like watching the Missus give birth to a black baby.
 
CDP- You're so right. Rock Band is definitely just as tragic as an illegitimate bastard baby coming out of your wife.
 
You need to understand that he isn't even kidding.
 
I believe you, Hathery.
 
Mistake #1: Never believe Hathery.

:)
 
You having a black baby I can understand. This is a whole different bear.
 
Your comparing black babies to bears!?

You sick minded freak!

Rock Band ain't comeing out over here 'till 2008, so I'll just have to bind my time playing Call of Duty 4 online.

Bloody amazing game.
 
Don't you mean "amazing, bloody game?"

I'll never tire of being ignorant towards other cultures. I don't know any better.
 
CDP- To the Brits, "bloody" is equal to our use of the F word.
 
Right, but they get to say it everywhere.
 
When I stayed in London, I remember an attractive British tour guide asking me when I wanted to be 'knocked up.'

"What kind of wonderful, joyous place is this?"

"She wants to know when to wake you up, dumbass."
 
Beh heh heh. Then Mr. Jacobs mentioned his wife's fannypack and cracked up the whole tourbus.
 
Yeah. He said he was going to kiss his wife's fanny. Good times.
 
That is HI-larious!
 
Right, but they get to say it everywhere.

They get to say a lot of things everywhere. In Communications class last year, we studied the censorship in different countries, and the censorship in the U.K. is very liberal. They can say pretty much anything.
 
Heroes said "bitch" one time in both of it's last two episodes.

Scandalous!
 
Beyotch!

In the UK, there's nudity in prime time. As much as I respect and appreciate that they're so open to sex and relatively opposed to violence, it would take some serious getting used to on my part. I'm not nearly as liberated and free in that regard.

I'm outta here. Rock Band, here I come!
 
I'm late to the party, I know, but I laughed ridiculously hard at your iPod asplodin' story.

I hope someone did kick that dude in the nuts.
 
Thanks for getting all caught up, Karen!

I just pulled Rock Band out of my trunk and celebrated World Orgasm Day at the same exact time.

See you bastards in April. I'm outta here.
 
British TV is heaven for teenage males. I won't go into the specifics, but I have several channels that are significantly more interesting than the rest.

Anywho, tomorrow I'm going skiing, so don't expect to here from me in a week or so.

So long!

'That's what she said!'

(I still make room for sex jokes.)
 
Good one! *high five*

We Americans like our TV good and violent, and that's that. None of that sexy, funny-business.
 
No kidding. American tv is all "Blow stuff up! Good! Boobs? Backsides! OMG!! Perverts!" We're still Puritans at heart. Angry, repressed, pathologically violent Puritans!

I love Europe. When I was 16 I got to visit Germany with my family. While we were in Berlin someone turned on the tv in our hotel room - and I got to have the horrifying image of five jaybird-naked middle aged German men holding hands in a circle under a waterfall seared into the furthest reaches of my brain for all eternity. Seriously - it haunts me to this very day. Don't even get me started on the prominantly displayed men's magazines. My dad got a lot of teenage emarassment miles out of pointing the bare boobs out to me at every opportunity. I did get to drink a lot of very fine beer, though, so that makes up for the mortification I guess.
 
That's quite a story, Maus. I'm visiting Costa Rica this summer...I don't think they're much different than the U.S. on censorship.

By the way, I think a certain blogger from Madison will find a special punk-rock surprise in his P.O. box anytime after 12:00pm tomorrow.
 
CARROT - Enjoy the slopes!

I remember watching 'The Big Breakfast' every morning with Denise Van Houten. That was one of my fonder London memories.

MAUS - Mmm-hmm. Why do we love illegal violence, but get all squirrelly during the sexy bits? I'm like that all the time; why can't I get over it?

You brought up a cool thing about sexual freedom in Europe. It's not just beautiful people; EVERYONE is naked, which makes it awesome. It turns the tides from depravity to liberation.

CARGIRL - Last night I dreamt you called from Costa Rica; the place you've been the last two weeks.

'You Vandal,' one of my favorite songs ever. To this day, I belt that song out in my car like you wouldn't believe.
 
I CANNOT WAIT TO CHECK MY MAIL.
 
I miss you, oh sweet boy, and will you come on down?

Saves The Day pwns.
 
I'm holding back typing out the entire song. It's like Eric Cartman with 'Come Sail Away;' once I hear a line from it, I have to sing the whole thing out in my head.

(finishing song in head)

There, better now. I'm totally going to the Post Office, yo.

I don't think anyone's ever uttered that sentence before.
 
I'll be nothing but disappointed if there isn't a dead rabbit in the CDPO Box.
 
...or some Duke memorabilia
 
CDPO Box

New CDP catch phrase!
 
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That's quite a story, Maus. I'm visiting Costa Rica this summer...I don't think they're much different than the U.S. on censorship.


I walked around Puntarenas for two days before it hit me.

"This place smells like Spaghetti-Ohs"!

Didn't stop me from having a good time.
 
MOE/JT - Sorry to disappoint, but there was nothing in the CDPO box (hilarious, by the way) but TOTAL AND COMPLETE WIN FROM CARGIRL.

I got my t-shirt, I got an order for 2 books, I got my mix CD, I got a MIX CASSETTE TAPE and a handwritten letter and tracklisting. Fantastic all around.

My car has a cassette player in it, so I will listen to the mix for the first couple times that way. It's only right; that's how it was meant to be. I'll send out your books on Monday, too.

It should be mentioned that getting this package reminded me a lot of the movie Saw. When I opened my PO box, there was a key in there, nothing else. It was all old and rusty, and there was a note attached that said "Go to Locker #4."

I looked all over the Post Office and couldn't find a Locker #4 anywhere. Finally, I saw it, hidden behind a plant, and slowly stepped closer. I put the old key in, and it locked itself in and wouldn't come out.

I thought my eyes were about to be scraped out, but then the locker sprang open and the package was sitting there. It was just too big for my PO Box.

It was an awesome Punk Rock gift, and it exceeded my expectations, which were pretty high. Awesome all the way around; I'm a very happy guy.

I'll put a photo up of me wearing the shirt after the holidays. W0000t.
 
I'm glad you liked it. The paper I stuffed it with was old envelopes that the postal worker found in the back, because it wouldve been 6 dollars to buy stuffing paper.

How much more Punk Rock does it get?
 
How much more Punk Rock does it get?



It could smell like cigarettes and vomit.
 
Yeah, I forgot to mention that she yacked into the package.

It's pretty Punk; I put the tape in my bag so I remember to take it to work with me. I'm considering busting out my cassette Walkman to listen to it at the office. iPods are soooo lame.

It was a very unexpectedly awesome package, and I again thank you immensely. I know you already have the CDP Merch I've been shipping out to everyone, so I'll have to come up with something really special to send you.
 
I'll have to come up with something really special to send you

Chris Hansen would like a word with you.
 
Damn you, Hansen! Must you be around every corner?
 
He's omniscient.
 
Okay, allow me to rephrase:

I'll have to come up with something really special to send you...that won't get me arrested.
 
Who is this CFD98 and where did their comment go? I am intrigued!!!
 
Hathery likes a little mystery! Take notes CDP.
 
Who is this CFD98 and where did their comment go? I am intrigued!!!



As am I...
CDP - 2 things:

1. I still haven't sent the shine, but only because I dropped the jar and it busted, so I'm awaiting jar numero dos.

2. I had a dream about you while I was napping this afternoon. We met up, and you insisted that I call you "Lucky Jackie Pop-Pop," as all of your close friends do.
 
This comment has been removed by the author.
 
JT - Now, you're going to HAVE to call me that when we finally meet up. It's destiny.

It's also destiny that we never get this Moonshine. Maybe it's a sign from above; I shouldn't be drinking poison.

CFD98 is one of my many alien fans.
 

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