Tuesday, December 18

60 Truths.

60 Truths.

Here are 60 truths about me. Stream-of-consciousness, top-of-the-head, no internal filtering. I did this because I enjoyed the concept of it, found it therapeutic and thought it would generate a lot of chatter. Please enjoy and start what will hopefully be a lively discussion in the comments section. Who knows? You might learn something new and awful about me.

Let's go.

1. Sometimes, I really miss eating meat. I know that it's wrong, but I can't help missing it for some reason. I keep trying to convince myself that shrimp is okay to eat, because I honestly don't care if they live or die. As you can imagine, it's not doing the trick. Around the holidays, there's a lot of shrimp abound at my family's house, and it's almost excruciating to not dive in. I won't, though, because I'm above that crap.

2. I despise my bedroom mattress so much that I sometimes have to sleep on the floor. I'm buying a new one once the snow melts, for my back's sake. The Missus loves the soft pillowtop, but I've never quite adjusted to anything other than firm and rigid. Maybe we'll get a Sleep Number bed; those look pretty amazing.

3. I'm putting all of my book profits into a savings account, where I'm collecting every penny I've ever made throughout my writing career. I don't want to spend any of it, because I don't feel that I deserve to right now. There's so much more to be done, and I need to be reminded of that constantly. Spending what little money I make through this amazing hobby will get me nowhere creatively.

4. I enjoy writing poetry, but I don't like to read poetry and understand the fruity stigma that surrounds it. To compromise, I write poetry that makes fun of poetry, and everyone is happy.

5. I absolutely cannot wait to start writing my next book. I'm already drafting over 25 new essays, and it's without question the best stuff I have ever written, chronicling some of the best stories I could possibly tell you. I want to start in Spring of 2008.

6. When people approach me with positive comments about my book, I never know what to say to them. I never thought I'd start cringing when I heard compliments, but it leaves me feeling awkward and embarrassed. Understand that I appreciate it more than anything, but it probably won't appear that way.

7. I watch, purchase and attend professional wrestling events. I consider it an underrated and extremely underappreciated form of live entertainment. I don't talk about it very much, because there's a certain stereotype that surrounds it. I've come to terms with this.

8. If my wife asked me to kill someone, and had even a slightly convincing argument, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

9. Speaking of my wife, I understand the sentimental value in buying flowers for someone you love, but I consider it a waste of money. Instead, I spend thousands of dollars on diamonds and jewelery, and then have to hear from my wife that I never buy her flowers. This hurts me more than she knows, and it makes her come off as spoiled, when she's really not. Or maybe she is; I guess I don't know.

10. By the way, in the 8 years we've been together, I've bought flowers for the Missus no less than 7 times (and I have the vases to prove it). Simple math dictates that seven is slightly more than 'never.' Okay, rant over.

11. I'm extremely liberal when it comes to gay rights, gay marriage and complete political and economical equality in regards to homosexuality, yet I still use the term 'gay' as a way to insult various things. I feel hypocritical and unintelligent about this, and I'm taking steps to eliminate it entirely from my vocabulary.

12. I sometimes wonder why certain people haven't bought my book yet. They hold no favors to me, yet it irks me that they haven't purchased a copy. I think this is my ego coming through loud and clear. Nobody owes me anything at this stage in my life.

13. I only pay attention to the fortune cookies that tell me what I want to hear.

14. I sometimes feel that it's wrong to make money by writing about things that have happened to me. Other times, I hope out loud for a book deal that will set me for life. My punk aesthetic and my adulthood responsibilities are clashing, and I'm attempting to straddle the line as best I can, so I can sleep at night without thinking I'm a whore.

15. I maybe see three new movies and read three new books every year. I don't have time for them, and they don't excite me for the most part. I'm not a big fan of fiction and I can't stand congregating with strangers. It keeps me away from the bars, too.

16. On the other hand, I purchase no less than 50 CDs every year. My collection is at around 2000 right now, and it's the most prized possession that I own.

17. However, I'd watch it all melt into a puddle if the house started on fire, because I would be too busy carrying my two cats to safety. In fact, even if I knew they would both die five minutes afterwards, I'd still sacrifice everything I own for that period of time. I mean that.

18. One of my goals for 2008 is to become popular enough locally to host a sold out blogging/writing panel at Geek Kon. I think that would be really neat for some reason.

19. I have never seen the original Star Wars trilogy, nor will I ever. After all the scrutiny I've taken due to this, it is now my life's mission to die without ever watching them. Mainly out of spite. I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything, and it has already been thoroughly ruined by their insane fans.

20. I think that my essays would work well in television show format. Failing that, I want to one day shoot short films based on some of them. Mainly, I'd like to do casting for the poor kid that would portray me.

21. I can rap well. I'm seriously good at it, although there will never be an instance where it would be socially acceptable to display it outside of a humorous light. I can deal with this; I don't think people are ready for something so uncomfortable.

22. I sometimes play my wife's bass guitar when I'm alone in the house. It sounds awful and I have to hold it upside-down, but it makes me happy. Meanwhile, my drums remain untouched in the basement, even though I have 13 years of experience under my belt.

23. If my blog posts don't generate at least 10 comments a day, I feel like I haven't done my job properly. That's the superficial and egotistical barrier I surround myself in every waking moment.

24. If my wife knew how much money I spent buying myself lunch every week, she'd probably start putting me on an allowance, which I should probably be on anyways. It would make my life so much easier to be told what I can and cannot buy.

25. I sometimes become intensely aware of my adulthood responsibilities; my home, my wife, my job, my expenses and profits, and convince myself that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I start thinking that it's only a matter of time before I'm discovered as a fraud, and they throw me back into school. Then I stand in front of an open refrigerator for 10 minutes, eat cookies before dinner and remind myself that I'm entirely in control of my destiny.

26. I want to get my ass kicked, just to see if I can take it. This is not permission to hit me if you meet me in person, mind you.

27. Before meeting my wife at age 17, I had kissed almost every female friend I've ever had.

28. The more popular my writing gets, the less people care about the essays, and the more they care about me as a person. For as personal as my essays are, I honestly never wanted it that way. I want fans of my work, not fans of how I live my life, even if the two overlap at times. I hope that made sense, and didn't portray me as arrogant.

29. I don't own a single Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen record, because I honestly think that the bulk of their work is terrible.

30. When I weighed 110 pounds in high school, I would joke about putting on 60 pounds and bulking up. Now that I've achieved that, I feel more out of shape than ever.

31. This summer, I sustained a stress fracture, shin splints and a soft tissue injury to my right leg. I haven't been able to run since, and I fear that I might never be as athletic as I was before the accident. This is the first time in my life that my body refused to let me do something that I was once capable of doing, and to me, it symbolizes my mortality. That scares me.

32. I think about and miss my Grandfather every day, in some form or fashion.

33. All of the haircuts that I like never work on my head. I just go with whatever's the least embarrassing.

34. Even my deepest and most secretive fantasies aren't all that filthy. As it turns out, I'm a pretty tame guy. Strange, because as a teenager, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Thanks to the Internet, I know that I'm doing okay.

35. I've never wanted anything more than to make at least one person laugh every day.

36. I think that a lot of my readers are significantly funnier than I am. Ambition defeats talent any day of the week; those that write are not always as genius as those who do not want to write.

37. If I lost my wife tomorrow, I'd be finished in every sense of the word. Even after 8 years together, I'm still convinced that every day with her saves me from an unimaginably negative fate.

38. I've accepted that I'll never be rich. I now strive to be comfortable.

39. I don't know if I'll ever look better than I do right now, and that's just Goddamn awful.

40. If you were to ask me for a ten minute cultural analysis on why Mystery Science Theater 3000 was one of the most significantly important comedy shows in television history, I'd oblige and then some. If you were to ask me what I ate for lunch yesterday, I wouldn't be able to remember.

41. This summer, I took a week off work and devoted all of my time towards writing my book. There, I got to experience what it would be like if I wrote for a living; if it were my job. It was one of the best vacations of my life. I had never been so productive. I woke up early, scheduled breaks for myself and accomplished everything I had set out to do. It was then that I realized I could easily accomplish anything that I was truly passionate about. Absolutely divine.

42. On any given week, I take in anywhere from 3 to 7 hours of Mixed Martial Arts on television. I would love to talk to you about it, if you were interested.

43. I don't know you on a personal level, but I'm pretty sure I could destroy you in Tetris. I know that everyone thinks they are great at that game, but I'm fairly certain that I'm better. It's the game that gave my OCD something positive to do.

44. 'There is no sword to be feared more than the learned pen.' I'm getting that phrase tattooed somewhere on my body next year.

45. As much as I come off as someone impossible to offend or embarrass, it happens to me on an almost-daily basis. I merely don't show it, as not to ruin my image of the guy that you can say anything around. I dislike side-stepping around topics when I converse with someone who's easily-offended, so when the shoe is on the other foot, I'd rather just lie about it than make people feel bad about voicing their backwards-ass opinions.

46. I love it when people tell me that I should go on a radio or television show to promote my book, like it's simply a matter of making a phone call and booking a flight. Their wide-eyed concept of the entertainment industry never ceases to amaze me, and I almost wish I believed what they believed it took to get on their television. To be that ignorant must be a blast; it has to make CBS sitcoms more humorous, at the very least.

47. If you are a somewhat-comparably aged woman that I have met or conversed with at any time over the last 15 years, there's a good chance that I've thought about what it would be like to sleep with you. This is an incurable disorder, and it is suffered by every man that you have ever met in your entire life. Most women, too.

48. I pick my battles wisely when it comes to not taking crap from people. I let a lot of things slide that would bother most, simply because when the time comes to really put your foot down, you can't look like you're crying wolf. When you show true displeasure in something, you don't want people to laugh it off. Pick your battles; let things slide. It will earn you the clout to make more things go your way in the long run.

49. If I knew how to play the guitar, I'd be rich. Emotionally and monetarily, absolutely no doubt about it. The question then is, 'Why don't you learn?'

50. Whenever I'm near the Adult section of a DVD or magazine aisle, I always leave when I notice someone too embarrassed to make a purchase due to my presence. I think it's rude to wreck a stranger's afternoon for no good reason.

51. When I was a young teen, I'd always have adult women give me the 'If you were 10 years older...' line. I've never forgotten how much that angered, belittled and embarrassed me. Now that I'm pushing 26 years of age, I understand what it feels like to be on the opposite side of the equation. In the past few years, I've received no less than five different e-mails from young women talking about how they've been 'stalking' me, 'obsessing' over me and dreaming about me (with descriptions of said dreams, to boot). I'm extremely glad that I'm married now, so I don't have to give them the '10 years older' line. I haven't forgotten how much it sucks.

52. My muse doesn't read my stories, and that's tragic.

53. When I was 18, I got into a serious argument with the Missus and shattered my car's windshield with my fist (spiderwebbed the entire thing; no joke). I tore my left index finger open in the process, which got infected and almost required surgery. I've had a permanent scar and occasional joint pain in the knuckle ever since. She apologized to me almost a year ago, and while I downplayed the hell out of it, I silently celebrated one of the very few times I've been right in an argument. It only took me having to punch a motor vehicle to pieces to prove it.

54. The only lasting thing I've gotten out of being raised Catholic is a constant feeling of guilt, shame and impending doom. Thanks for that.

55. If just one more kiosk owner at the mall grabs my wife's hand and tries to bully her into buying moisturizer, I'm going to absolutely destroy him. I don't care how unbelievably sexy he is.

56. If you are a smoker under the age of 30, you are an idiot. I will not argue with you about this.

57. I never understood how aficionados and alcoholics could drink straight hard liquor, but I'm finding that my booze-to-mixer ratio is getting more and more booze-heavy as I get older. The way I see it, I'll be drinking straight hard liquor exclusively in less than three months. I think it just runs in my family.

58. I'm giving up my Health Club membership so I can afford an iPhone. In my opinion, that is the very definition of defeat. "Screw exercise; I can download porn in church!"

59. I'm a better driver than you.

60. I haven't thrown up since September of 2002. This has to be some kind of record.

FRIDAY: THE CDP YEAR IN REVIEW.

Comments:
60

You couldn't think of 82?



1. I used to feel the same way. Ever since I saw Fast Food Nation though, I have been repulsed by meat.

4. Have you read Dante's Inferno? It's the best poetry work I've ever read.

43. Tetris is the only thing that settles my OCD. That, and coloring in the circles in letters (like q, r, o, p, a, d, and b) in books. It took me a yer and a half, but when I was 7, I did this to an entire dictionary.

58. I don't care how sad that is. It's worth it.
 
If my wife knew how much money I spent buying myself lunch every week, she'd probably start putting me on an allowance

Believe me...I know. We need to have a discussion about this.

I can rap well. I'm seriously good at it, although there will never be an instance where it would be socially acceptable to display it outside of a humorous light.

You ran me over like a pretty little Mack truck, you got me unstuck, took away my dumb luck...

'There is no sword to be feared more than the learned pen.' I'm getting that phrase tattooed somewhere on my body next year.

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

By the way, in the 8 years we've been together, I've bought flowers for the Missus no less than 7 times (and I have the vases to prove it). Simple math dictates that seven is slightly more than 'never.'

I've already explained to you that JUST ONCE I'd like to have flowers purchased for me not because I asked you to and not because you've done something unspeakably awful to me. That's all.

If I lost my wife tomorrow, I'd be finished in every sense of the word. Even after 8 years together, I'm still convinced that every day with her saves me from an unimaginably negative fate.

:)
 
I like these kinds of posts.

11. I used to say gay all the freaking time instead of lame, without even thinking about what I was saying. Then one of my very close friends came out when we were 18 and requested of all of us that we stop using it that way. It took a few weeks, but I completely eliminated it from my speech. You just have to have someone call you on it every time you say it. Now I cringe inside every time I hear someone else use it that way.

25. I feel like a fraud when it comes to being an adult each and every day. I'm 25 and I still feel like I'm some stupid teenager who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. "And I ask myself, how did I get here?"

60. That is quite a record. I haven't puked since 3 weeks ago. That was legitimate puking though, as I had pretty bad jet lag, but when I drink too much, it all comes up whether I like it or not. I think I'm mildly allergic to alcohol. Does that stop me? Heck no!
 
"Screw exercise; I can download porn in church!"

Best. Line. Ever.

I have to warn you, I'm probably going to rip this idea off over on Spork Nation sometime before the new year.

Also, I'm going to post a book review, probably on Monday.
 
11. I used to say gay all the freaking time instead of lame, without even thinking about what I was saying. Then one of my very close friends came out when we were 18 and requested of all of us that we stop using it that way. It took a few weeks, but I completely eliminated it from my speech. You just have to have someone call you on it every time you say it. Now I cringe inside every time I hear someone else use it that way.

I'm screwed if one of my friends actually turns into a douche.
 
I'm only about 90 pages into your book. That being said, I had never read your prom/homecoming essay(s) before...

Really great stuff, man.
 
Where ya been, Moe?
 
I didn't mean that in reference to you not having read the essays before...I meant, where have you been the last week or so.

*phew* close one.
 
I'm not at liberty to say where I've been, but if anyone asks about the missing senior citizen from Montana, it wasn't me.
 
The CDPicture is blowing my mind...

Is the ring on the wrong hand? Was the picture taken by someone else while looking at a mirror? Am I a moron?
 
I agree with the picture, that is not the view you see when you look out of the office. It's backwards.
 
#36 - You may be right, the douche comment made me laugh out loud.
#32 - Me too.
#46 - That's not nice. Just for that I am going to get you booked on a television show to prove how easy it is.
#55 - I agree!
#59 - You are a crappy driver.
 
CARGIRL - I was elaborating far too much to come up with 82. Furthermore, I wanted to post it today, and ran outta time.

Can you believe that I've never read Dante's Inferno? I'm buying it this weekend, but due to Rock Band, I won't be reading it until June.

I play Tetris at least 3 times a week, even now. It does OCD right. I sometimes dream in Tetris.

HATHERY - You know I can rap, baby! And breakdance!

I'll get that tattoo. Oh, and please don't try to make me kill anyone this year.

JULIA - I'll follow your lead on the 'gay' thing. It's become embarrassingly natural for me, I need to realize that it could be potentially hurtful for no good reason.

JT - Every time I saw the iPhone commercial on TV, I kept doing the 'porn at church' line. I knew it was a winner because the Missus thought it was terrible.

Rip-off away, JT. I stole this idea from Cargirl, and I appreciate her letting me do it.

CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REVIEW!

MOE - I'm really glad you're enjoying the book. I had posted the Homecoming story quite a few times, solely because I liked the tale and wanted everyone to read it. I'll make a short film out of it one day.

Oh, and the photograph of me is a mirror image. My ring and watch are on my left hand.

TAMAZZAZ - Out of everyone I have ever been in a car with, I'd put myself at #2 on the best driver list. I stand firm by this.

I'm really glad that everyone is sourcing Truths by using their number. That's exactly what I wanted to happen.
 
What makes you the #2 best driver? Is it the way you don't turn right on red lights? Or the way you firmly believe that green arrows don't give you the right of way?
 
Might I ask who taught the CDP how to drive?
 
It couldn't have been me, because I use my blinkers and I don't have a problem not passing everyone that is in front of me. Oh, and I also don't go from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds. It had to be someone else.
 
He may not drive a regular car that well, but my gosh can he drive a go-kart.
 
HATHERY - I'm a more conservative driver than you, but it also puts my passengers at ease and allows me to obey more traffic laws than most. I'm smooth as silk.

MOE/ZAZZ - If my memory serves me correctly, I pretty much taught myself to drive during Behind The Wheel training. Other than that, my dad (#1 driver) gave me the most advice.

I really am the best go-kart driver on Earth, which also makes me the best MINI Cooper driver on Earth.
 
CARGIRL - As far as not eating meat, it was reading Fast Food Nation that was the tipping point for me. That's when I realized the economical and ethical motives, in addition to the health and spiritual aspects.

According to punk icon and vegan Ted Leo, he claims that he didn't notice a change in his happiness and health when he went vegetarian. He claimed he put on weight and was out of shape (like me). He said when we went vegan, he really noticed a positive change in everything.

Hmmm. New Year's resolution?
 
29. I don't own a single Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen record, because I honestly think that the bulk of their work is terrible.

You're missing out here, not on everything but there's a lot of good stuff.
 
Will - I second that (for what it's worth).
 
Now I know you're full of crap, your dad is not the #1 driver. He wouldn't ever drive because he didn't like to drive. Unless never driving makes you the #1 driver.
 
ZAZZ - I also never want to drive, unless I'm in a situation where I have to preserve my safety. This comes into play a lot when Ben is driving.

When you get me to drive, however, I'm top-notch. I'm like a champion fighter; I don't defend my belt for just anyone.

WILL/MOE - Here's the thing. I know I'm sort of missing out, but they've just been so horribly ruined for me. I'm not from that generation, so I've always looked at them as aged, irrelavent icons.

I never liked people telling me that the Stones were better than the Beatles, that Dylan was the greatest American songwriter ever, and Springsteen wasn't anything but a living, breathing truck commercial. I understand their worth, but I never got around to getting their stuff.

If I were to buy anything from them, I'd start with Dylan, no question about it.
 
I really am the best go-kart driver on Earth, which also makes me the best MINI Cooper driver on Earth.

You accelerate so hard that you don't even give the transmission time to shift!! Horrible. Just plain horrible.
 
Aren't you confusing Springsteen with John Mellancamp?
 
I'd rather listen to John Mellancamp (sp?) than Bruce Springsteen. Seriously.
 
Ha, he's not that bad. Mr. Cougar is approaching Toby Keith territory in this stage of his career. (shudder)

Hathery, I do that on purpose, not because I'm an idiot. I like to way it shifts, so I pound it.
 
John Cougar went to Duke.

Seriously.
 
After driving a big Sable all day, it's nice to get in the MINI and burn people off of the lights.
 
The shame of it is that I've seen many interviews with John Cougar, and he actually seems like a really, really nice guy.
 
Hathery, I do that on purpose, not because I'm an idiot. I like to way it shifts, so I pound it.

Yeah, well, don't do that anymore. It's a good way to prematurely ruin my transmission.
 
There's a joke here somewhere about speaking in thinly-veiled sexual metaphors, but I won't be the one to make it.

I'm above that.
 
1. Good news! Shrimp actually want you to eat them.

No, seriously I kid. I feel like I need to tell you I kid in case you thought I had some sort of psychic link with the shrimp and you did actually start eating them again. They didn't tell me that and I'm sorry for misrepresenting them.
 
Re: #25 - I've been feeling this way for the last few years, and more and more I'm getting the impression that most of our fellow twenty and thirty somethings have similar feelings. There's probably an interesting sociological study to be had somewhere in there, but that's far too grown up of a task for me to take on.

20. I think that my essays would work well in television show format. Failing that, I want to one day shoot short films based on some of them. Mainly, I'd like to do casting for the poor kid that would portray me.

If you're ever serious about turning one of them into a short film, let me know. We can make it happen. :)

Also, don't listen to Jesse about shrimp--do what I do, and think about the ones that Ursula eats in the Little Mermaid, with their panicked, big beady eyes!
 
All I need to do is think about that shrimp popping out of the breading at Ponderosa, and me realizing it was a veiny, pulsing, crustacean.

Beh heh heh. Thiny veiled metaphors.
 
I notice that Gabe managed to sneak into the shot again. I can see his shadow up on the lotus, and I can see his white chest and a little bit of the side of his head.
 
20.

I can make that happen right now with one word: SCAB.
 
Meh??
 
COMET - Having the ability to communicate with shrimp has to be the lowest level of superhuman power on earth. I bet that guy always gets pushed to the end of the buffet at all the conventions.

HATHERY - Gabe is like P Diddy. That dude shows up everywhere.

On my Grand Scale of Likes & Dislikes, I place shrimp just two places higher than ween jokes.

EMILY - You're probably right about #25. Most of us are in our first decade of independent adulthood, which lends itself to sporadic bursts of abject terror at the most bizarre of times. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop; it was supposed to be harder than this! When will the failure break me?

I will keep you in the loop concerning the short film idea. I can screenwrite like nobody's business and Killer Sandbox productions is a technical powerhouse, but there's so much more that goes into film that I'm bad at. Here you were just trying to be polite, and now I might take you up on the offer.

BLU - I'm having this current fantasy about being the lone writer for Conan O'Brien when he comes back alone in January.
 
Emily, you have officially been linked in the CDP Network, too!
 
Well as I just read through 60 of the CDP's slightly odd beliefs and rituals, and 37 or so comments, I really can't be arsed to say anything remotely productive exept:

49. Just because you can get 4 stars on 'Free Bird' expert doesn't mean you can play. Pretty much everyone feels the way you do before they start, but after 3 years of playing (1 year of jack-all, 1 year of a fair amount, and 1 year of working my arse off), I still have a hell of a lot to learn.
 
I will learn someday. By that point, I will be so old, fat and irrelevant that nobody will care what I have to express through music.
 
Too late...

WUHZING!!!

Yeah that was a cheap shot, but it made my day.

=)
 
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You got burned by a young British hooligan!
 
Emily, you have officially been linked in the CDP Network, too!

Huzzah! A small CDP shaped hole in my life is now filled. Aaaand speaking of thinly veiled innuendos....

Here you were just trying to be polite, and now I might take you up on the offer.

Polite, maybe, but I was serious, too. I know lots of folks, myself included, who have some chops and resources when it comes to makin' short films.
 
Hey-oh! A fan of the CDP and sly sex jokes? I can tell we're going to get along just fine.

It's a small city. I envision meeting up with you very soon for a drink; preferrably sometime after the holidays. We have much to discuss. We'll bring our friends. It will be a hoot.

And speaking of hoots(?), Rock Band actually comes out tomorrow for the PS2, not today. This hurts me deeply.
 
Cargirl, do you see the fun you could be having if you went to college here? It's a utopia of creativity!
 
[enter Chris Hansen]
 
Everything always ends with Chris Hansen around here.
 
That guy's always mussin' up my business.
 
12. I sometimes wonder why certain people haven't bought my book yet. They hold no favors to me, yet it irks me that they haven't purchased a copy.

I'll claim this one. I totally meant to, but it just took a while to get to the bank and the post office... but I totally mailed you cash today at lunch!
 
Oh wow, Domsar, thanks so much!

I wasn't thinking about anyone in general, just so we're clear and I don't look like a pouty baby. Good choice with the mailorder, though, you get free stuff!
 
Speaking of law enforcement, I just got home, and a house a few blocks away is literally surrounded by about 15 cop cars with lights blazing, at least 5 poeple are face-down on the ground in cuffs, and several more were being cuffed and put into cars as I drove past.

I'm relieved, as I firml believe that the residents and friends of that house have been behind all of the car break-ins lately.

On the down side, I have no idea where I'm getting my next crack fix from.
 
[enter Doc Gooden]
 
I'm not going to add anything to this discussion, except that I enjoyed reading the 60 Truths. Kinda like CDP's personal PostSecret.

But I will post this link, since there seems to be many Guitar Hero fans here. I've never played it myself:

Dad sells son's Guitar Hero for $9000
 
I'm going to comment without reading the others comments. Because this is about me. Well, you too.

In no particular order:

I, for one, love flowers. I love getting flowers. Yes, flowers die, but they're relatively inexpensive (unless you're a sucker and buy billion-dollar roses, but most women I know like something more colorful and less perfumey) and a very immediate-gratification thing.

Will has never bought me flowers, but then again we've only been together for a little over a year. Yes, this does make me slightly sad. It's the closest I'll admit to being a GIRL in a public space.

I'll drive up your comment count and do each of these separately.
 
Writing for a living:

When you're focused on a project that you KNOW will get made (aka, you were publishing your own book, you knew that there would be a finished product that you could get out to the public) there's nothing like it. However, most writing isn't like that. There's a lot of feast or famine, and while you're always working in your head, the reality of being a writing and sitting down at a computer to earn food, rent money, and a car payment, it's way less romantic.

I don't mean to discourage you, and I think that it's a great idea to save your earnings. But writing for a living is really that: doing it for a living. You have to take notes that you don't like, listen to non writers discuss your work and depend on them to see the genius - or even the flaws. You spend a lot of time investing your creative capital in non-creative people.
 
The WCW (WWF? I can't keep up) was looking for writers to pen the storylines for their wrestlers - feuds and alliances and all that jazz. Alas, you had to live/relocate to Stamford, CT, so I never applied. But I thought that would have been an AWESOME job. (Of course, I may e romanticizing that, too.)
 
JT - Would you say you live in a 'bad' neighborhood, or do you just have a couple bad neighbors? I've never had anything like that happen to me before, although I did accidentally walk into the middle of a police standoff downtown once.

HOSS - I read that article. I think it's hilarious. That dad seems to be pretty funny, albiet not very lax on the issue of pot.

SLACKMISTRESS - I've never had a problem with buying flowers for the Missus; in fact, it makes me feel pretty good. I just figured she would prefer something expensive and longer-lasting.

Also, the cats eat them and I eventually have to clean the whole thing up. That all being said, I totally get the sentiment, even if I don't enjoy it.

Will'll (ha!) get you flowers soon enough. Or, at least he'd better consider it now that it's out in the open.

Comments make me strong. Comments make the tears go away.
 
My original site, theslack.com, was almost optioned for a TV series back 2001. I was but a wee baby writer who was taking these Big Important Meetings with Big Important Producers and if you think it's weird that people start to care about you more than your writing (which is natural and a compliment, BTW, as you have made them personally invest in your well-being through what you're WRITTEN. Think about that, it's kind of amazing) it's weirder to have your life and your fuckups discussed as character arcs and storylines. While the money would have been nice, the notoriety that can come with such things, maybe not so nice. I think I could handle it now, but definitely not back then.
 
Finally, the best way to deal with compliments? Just say thank you.

And thus ends what's probably the most discouraging comments left by me, ever. Mea culpa. But I do think that if that's a life you want, you should know what's going on behind the curtain. (We're all naked back here!)
 
Nina, I will listen to any writing advice you're kind enough to share with me.

Even with my minimal amount of freelance work, I came to the conclusion long ago that 'writing for a living' sucks most of the joy out of the art itself. Why does it have to be that way? For these reasons, I will hang onto my 9-to-5 job for as long as possible. The bills have to come first for me; I like eating food too much.

So for me, taking the DIY route with this first book was perfect for me. I had 100% of the power and it did exactly what I wanted to do. Of course, I can't retire with the cash I've made, but it was a very eye-opening experience that I look forward to learning from every day.

Nina, do you still love to write? Like, love it the way you did when you just wrote for the hell of it? I'm curious.

Also, I gotta be honest with you. Writing character storylines for the WWE would pretty much be my dream gig. I don't care about the politics; I'd have a freaking blast.
 
CDP - for the most part, I live in a very safe area of town.

It's an area that the city has been working on revitalizing for quite some time, this particular house just happens to be trouble...always.

I'm always seeing cops there, but nowhere else in the nieghborhood.

Not even my house.
 
I like how open this is. I don't think I could be so brave, but that's only because past experience has dictated that the wrong person will always find my blog. Since 2001, all of 'hidden' online journals have been discovered by the very last people I would have chosen to read it. However, it always has turned out that benefits appear from them having found it.

How much of that almost- unconscious sensor can or should one really turn off?
 
Nina, thanks. Thanks for all of that. Really.

I never really thought of the downside of turning past stories into something that only vaguely resembles reality on television. There's a good chance I would be miserable with the outcome and attention. That's something I'm going to have to think about.

I also agree with the concept of people caring more about you and less about your writing at a certain point. It's amazing to me, and I appreciate it immensely; it's just hard to get used to right off the bat. You understand this more than I do, I'm certain.

Again, thanks. The last few weeks have been...different, and it's good to get a little advice from a friendly face, instead of constantly dishing it out to others.
 
I gotcha, JT. So I won't be seeing you on COPS anytime soon?

KENNY - Every time I write something, I think about who I want to read it least, and how they would react to it. I did this with my book at least a dozen times.

For this particular list, I'm not putting anyone else down, so the only ass on the line is my own. I can take it; I've been taking it forever.

Since you brought that up, though, I'm going to have to read through it again and make sure I didn't shoot myself in the hoof.
 
To speak on the topic of today's post, you're right. For as open as my stories are, I normally don't open up in this sort of way. I know that I like to read these 'confessional' sorts of posts from bloggers I respect, and I figured a few people could take something positive away from it.

I'm a pretty calculated writer. You won't read what I don't think you should be reading. In cases like this, the internal censor is still there, but it's more lax to self-criticism for the sake of conversation.

I also think these are the sorts of posts that turn casual CDP readers into fans. In my opinion, it creates a personal connection that either turns people away of brings them closer. No non-reactions.
 
In defense of Will and the CDP...

Roses/flowers will never make sense for humans without ovaries. We feel it's a waste of money knowing they will die in a week. I couldn't agree more with CDP about buying something that will actually have value longer than the shelf-life of milk. I've been married for six years and I am well aware that my wife prefers flowers over necklaces everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. This is something I'll never understand. I've ordered flowers for her maybe a dozen times since we started dating in 1999. Less than twice a year isn't much for the love of my life. This isn't to say that she doesn't mean the world to me, it's just that I can't justify dropping $50 on something that will provide nothing to this world once the playoffs start in three weeks.

This was put in perspective over the weekend when my father-in-law was arguing with my wife about a gift for his wife (her mother, of course). My mother-in-law wants an iPod nano (8gb). My father-in-law insists that she'd be better off with the iPod classic (80gb in this case). Though, I could agree with him more, I had to step in and explain to him that our women (his daughter and his wife) don't care about the minimal cost difference or the fact that the screen is almost twice as big on the classic. They want the cute one. I could see the little engine spinning in his head as he may have finally figured out, after 33 years of marriage, that his wife's needs aren't necessarily the same as his. After reading stories about flowers and roses today on the CDP, I feel a sense of accomplishment realizing after only six years that flowers are what they want, no matter what I think they need.

I'm off to the florist. Have a pleasant evening CDP and CDPeons.

:)
 
You're totally right. We've gotta suck it up.
 
It's a small city. I envision meeting up with you very soon for a drink; preferrably sometime after the holidays. We have much to discuss. We'll bring our friends. It will be a hoot.

I love hoots! I think we should get a bunch of our writer/blogger/dork peeps together and have us some drinks and some talking. We could revel in our obscure notoriety together. This, I think, would be grand.
 
More on the flower issue:

Flowers aren't really about flowers. It's about the "hey, I thought about you for no particular reason except that I think you're amazing." So it doesn't always have to be flowers. While I'm not big on the "women are one way and men are another" it's a small gesture that actually has meaning. Especially if flowers are always given as a "I fucked up" gift, the idea that you get them not because you fucked up but just BECAUSE, well, that's the issue.

If you don't eat meat, I wouldn't make you a fabulous romantic dinner with a big juicy, steak, even though *I* think big juicy steaks are fucking fabulous. I would make you a dinner that *you* want because the true point of the big romantic dinner is wanting to make your partner happy for no specific reason except that you love them and think that they rock. Kinda like buttsex.

Writing is heartbreaking and frustrating and demoralizing. You don't get a lot of writing for fun, because you always have to look at each project as "can I sell this?" because, well, that's your job. However, what you can and can't sell, that's even up for debate. I can sell my little quirky script for $30K or I can "rewrite it for Ashton Kutcher" (my manager's words) and sell it for a lot more. And then the market changes and everyone's moved on while you've had your head buried in a computer screen for months.

Then there's writing for animation, which my friend Savage Steve says "is choosing to get your heart broken." And your wallet, too.

Writing (or acting, making music, art, whatever) is something that you can be absolutely totally amazingly fantastically talented at but never actually make a living off of. If you can accept that, then there is no reason not to totally go for it.

And yes, I still enjoy it. Which speaks volumes about me. ;)
 
EMILY and RYAN: It's a small city. I envision meeting up with you very soon for a drink; preferably sometime after the holidays. We have much to discuss. We'll bring our friends. It will be a hoot.

Just two hours ago Bessie told me we should start hosting a monthly dane101 happy hour. I know Ryan, I know Emily, I can make magic!

That said, I'm big on sharing and I can't think of a single thing that could possibly be better than a dane101/theCDP Love Fest...I mean...Happy Hour (except maybe the power to speak to shrimp and sick them on people. Is a group of shrimp a school?). What says you mighty CDP? Shall we pick a place and start inviting people we know to all meet up once a month?
 
Oh, Emily already said as much. Oops.
 
SLACKMISTRESS - You and Moe have begrudgingly made me see the beauty in flowers. More specifically, shutting off all logic and just making your partner happy. The Missus will tell you that I'm good at this most of the time, but the flower issue is just going to have to be something I grin and bear. She deserves it, and I'm tired of looking like a doof, regardless of all the unnecessary diamonds that she has required because of it.

Nina, only you can get away with dropping f-bombs and talking buttsex here. You totally know that, too, which is why I think it's so damn funny.

My business expertise is rooted in the music industry, and it doesn't seem too different than the writing game. Everyone knows that the most motivated, talented and artistic don't always get the best jobs. In fact, those people normally are out of work in next to no time. I've always known that I could write for free forever; convincing my wife of this is another story altogether.

As always, I appreciate your advice and dirty talk.
 
EMILY/JESSE - I like the Love Fest idea. This city is too amazing to not combine our nerditude. Sort of like Captain Planet, with less littering and more spandex.

I'm in. What do you need from me?
 
2. Word to the wise: Never buy a bed from a TV commercial.

29. The only good Stones albums are from the early to mid/late 70s. All the rest is dross. And comparing the Stones to the Beatles is like comparing anybody to the Beatles. No one compares to the Beatles, at least not favorably.

Any cover of a Dylan song is 100 times better than the original, which means 1) Dylan writes great songs, and 2) Dylan is a shitty arranger, performer, and singer.

As a native New Jersyian, I had Bruuuce crammed down my throat from the minute I started listening to music. But when I finally sat down to listen to him instead of listening to everyone else talk about him, I found that he is an excellent lyricist trapped in the body of a man who makes poor musical choices. Many, many Bruce songs rank among the best American songs ever written, only with overlong sax solos and cheesy keys. So I put a version of Thunder Road with Bruce going solo on the piano and harmonica (with only a couple of tinkly chimes thrown in) on my comic strip site just for you, CDP. I get chills listening to this song. Maybe you have to be a certain age--that is, old--to love this song and its themes of longing for a future that will never come and regret over the choices you didn't make. Maybe not. Have a listen:

http://www.bloodculture.com/springsteen.html

And poke around the rest of the site for a look at the comics.
 
[enter Chris Hansen]



Everything always ends with Chris Hansen around here.



That guy's always mussin' up my business.


I know man! I can't believe he still tried to punt after fumbling the snap like that. What the hell was he thinking!?
 
Regarding: 'There is no sword to be feared more than the learned pen.'



It's truthier than you think. A good friend is fond of saying:

More has been stolen by ballpoint than has ever been stolen at gunpoint

Of course he did work for the Insurance Fraud Bureau.
 
I suck at Tetris, but I'll take you in Dig-Dug any day.
 
GERRY - I completely agree with you on the Stones, Dylan and Springsteen. I look forward to listening to that track when I get home from work today.

Considering that Rock Band is released for the PS2 today, it just might be the last thing I do on a computer for a long time.

BLU - Nice. I have been meaning to get inked for awhile, but could never decide what image I wanted. I eventually realized that I'm a man of words, so text was what I was really looking for.

My goal is to look like Guy Pierce from Memento, covered with instructions and maps.

CAVEMAN - I don't know. Jesse thought he could handle me at Ms. Pac-Man, and I'm now 2-0 against him.

Which reminds me, I should put up that old Christmas photo of me getting Dig-Dug for the Atari 2600. Special day, indeed.
 
36. I feel the same way about the blogs I read - I'm always saying to myself that my site is so boring and unfunny.

58. asked my fiance for an iPhone for Xmas, and everytime I think about it I get excited and a little ashamed.
 
If this is your first comment, Karen (I can't keep track anymore), welcome aboard! Don't be a stranger!

Concerning #36, I always see people who only post once every two months or whatnot, and I'm floored by how good their stuff is, and why I'm not at that point. Then I realize that I update my page with large amounts of content far more than just about anyone out there, so I feel slightly better knowing that I'm consistent, and don't have a good idea twice a season.

I still get envious, though.

I expect to have an iPhone in two months. My hope is to wait until they release an updated version after the holidays.
 
Does anyone know if they plan to release an updated version soon, and if so, when? This will greatly influence our decision of when to purchase.
 
Well, according to you, it could be Summer before they create an updated iPhone.

I say we get a couple in late January, assuming we're not homeless by then.
 
It's a pretty safe bet that an updated version will be released within a week of you buying one.

obsolete high five!

 
1) You should miss meat. It's delicious. Besides, what would cows do if not providing us with milk and steaks? I'll tell you what - vast numbers would just be standing around looking stupid and emitting methane, which would cause the polar ice caps to melt completely and destroy our world as we know it.

Okay. I'm just kidding...

15) My yearly book purchases exceed my clothing purchases by nearly double. I hardly ever buy CDs or go see movies/buy DVDs.

19) I don't think you're really missing much.

46) My husband works for CBS. For one of their radio stations. So I found this one kind of funny.

47) Duh.

51) At least you don't have your spouse's ex's stalking you and sending you messages. Trust me - it's a ton more creepy and annoying.

55) Never make eye contact with a kiosk vendor. It can be a (potentially) fatal mistake.

58) I'm giving up my gym membership so that my husband can stop harping about what a waste of money it is. Downside: I'll have to motivate myself to get exercise the old fashioned way Upside: More money for books!

59) EVERYONE is probably a better driver than me.
 
Around the holidays, those kiosk vendors can be downright intrusive. I have to flank my wife to protect her from them, because she's unable to speak to them without writing a large check.

They don't bother me, because it's obvious that my skin is already smoother than humanly possible.
 
Or because it's obvious that you're not a woman. Either way.
 
Has anyone figured out yet what country those lotion people are from? I'm thinking Romania, but I don't know.
 
Sexytowne.
 
CDP - Thanks for the welcome. Yep, it's my first comment, but been reading for a while. :)

I'm wondering when the next iPhone release is too - I keep hearing rumors like January, but until the big A says when, I'm not banking on anything.
 
RYAN/CAVEMAN: I may be 2-0 against Ryan in Ms. Pac-Man, but I was rather inebriated one of those times.

Is there an old school arcade somewhere that has Dig-Dug, Tetris, and Ms. Pac-Man all lined up so we can have a championship?
 
Is there an old school arcade somewhere that has Dig-Dug, Tetris, and Ms. Pac-Man all lined up so we can have a championship?

Yes, and it's called My Interpretation Of Heaven.

I saw a Tetris arcade cabinet at a Rocky Rococo Party Pizzaria some years back. I was surprised, because I hadn't seen a Tetris cabinet in forever. In fact, I thought they were all gone because of the rights issues of that game.

I'll stop mentioning my last Ms. Pac-Man victory, but I must mention that I was also pretty drunk.

Man, I could go for some Rocky's pizza right now. Their breadsticks are amazing.

KAREN - The Missus just sent me an article that stated a new iPhone release will be anytime between March and July. Pretty vague, but neat nonetheless. The price tag will be $599, so...ouch.
 
You can shove Tetris and Pac-Man up your arse. If any of you even consider faceing me at Street Fighter, your brains will explode in a cloud of blood and dispair.

CDP - Is the only greeting for newbies you have 'Don't be a stranger!'? Because it's getting oooolllldddd man.
 
CARROT - Surely, you're not referring to Street Fighter II. Perhaps you didn't get the memo across the pond that I'm the best non-Asian SFII player in the nation.

I'm Balrog, and I like to punch people in the face.

As far as the 'don't be a stranger' goes, I'm a man of catchphrases and whatnot. Furthermore, I feel everyone deserves the same warm welcome. However, I could alter the formula a little bit.

Any new readers want to comment for the first time? I need to try out my newer, edgier greeting on you!
 
Best player in the nation maybe. Just one problem...

...I live in England.

Nah, I doubt I'm as good as you, but after playing for about 5 months (starting a year and a half ago), I've failed to of been beated.
 
*puts index finger over lip like mustache* Um...hello. I am Mikhail. I read CDP long time. The blog is...very good. The CDP is very entertainment.
 
Nah, I doubt I'm as good as you, but after playing for about 5 months (starting a year and a half ago),

Oooh, I think the CDP has about 15 years of experience on ya there.
 
KAREN - The Missus just sent me an article that stated a new iPhone release will be anytime between March and July. Pretty vague, but neat nonetheless. The price tag will be $599, so...ouch.

Just to be clear, that article was purely speculation by a bunch of Apple-lovin' nerds, but I am prone to agree with them. The technology is going to be much improved, and Apple aptly refuses to give out any info on what the price will be, so...you can be it's going to be hefty.
 
CARROT - I demand a US v. UK Street Fighter showdown! Think of the press! We could be responsible for global harmony! It'll be like the olympics, only for nerds!

MIKHAIL - Suck it, wanker!




Whaddya think?
 
Yes to the love fest! Also...

Is there an old school arcade somewhere that has Dig-Dug, Tetris, and Ms. Pac-Man all lined up so we can have a championship?

It's called my living room, and you're all invited. No, seriously, my roommate has this absurdly large TV, and we've got both a Nintendo (for Tetris) and an Atari (with Dig Dug and Ms. Pac-man) hooked up to it. I smell an uber nerdy blogger gathering in the offing!
 
Oh my. Truth be told, I have all of these games in my office (an embarrassing monument to retrogaming if there ever was one; I've got some rad Pac-Man stuff that I've never seen anywhere else), but my Atari has seen better days and I can probably fit four people comfortably in there.

Wow. A Madison Blogger Retrogame Gathering (MBRG). Why doesn't this already exist?

This can be a discussion topic during the Love Fest.
 
didn't there used to be an arcade on willy st that had all those retro games in it?
 
How are your Ataris still functioning? I burned through two of them and a Pong before I couldn't find them anymore.

I was a COMBAT fan myself. I loved the 1 on 1 jet game.
 
How are your Ataris still functioning?

My brother recently gave me this Atari, as he'd recently bought two of them, not sure if either would work. Turns out they both (amazingly) did, so I reaped the benefits (including a pile of games).

Agreed. This shall be discussed at aforementioned Love Fest.
 
HATHERY - I'm pretty sure that went out of business years ago. The cabinets were used in the Historical Society exhibit last year.

BLU - My original, wood-grain 2600 was given to a friend for the hell of it many, many years ago, so I bought a 'new' old one about five years back. Works great, although you need a different adapter to make it work with new televisions. You just gotta be really ginger with it.

There's a Combat-style game in the Wii Play game. Very rad.

So, I just got off of the phone with Target, Best Buy, EB and even Wal-Mart, and they all confirmed that the PS2 release of Rock Band has been pushed back for a fourth time. Apalling and inexcusable, if you ask me.

Furthermore, the PS2 version offers a more stripped-down World Tour Mode, no character customization, no online play and hardly any storage space. It makes no sense that I should have to wait this long for a game who's superior version is already out.

I think you can see where I'm going with this. I'm getting Rock Band tonight, even if it means buying a PS3 in which to play it on.
 
I forgot the atari connected with those two Y-forks. I haven't seen any for sale around here. I learned the hard way that the ghost in the machine is just a dust bunny. (with sharp pointy teeth!)
 
Correct. I have a beautiful 1950's television in my basement that might be able to connect the 2600 if it worked, which would be a miracle if true. I should post some photos of this television; it's something special.
 
I learned the hard way that the ghost in the machine is just a dust bunny. (with sharp pointy teeth!)

Look at the bones!
 
In reference to Britney Spears' younger sister getting pregnant at age 16, there is a FAIL thread going on at Fark that's just about the funniest thing I've read all month:

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3279018

The FAIL pics are legendary.
 
I don't know if that's the same thread as last night. I'll have to check that out when I get home...

Apparently the whole Spears family has inherited a genetic predisposition for utter stupidity. Scientists still haven't determined if this is a recessive or dominant trait.
 
The Spears family is full of EPIC FAIL AND LOSE.

The sad thing is, there are others up there in that area of Louisiana that are just as dumb. Trust me on this - I lived in the parish it's in for a year. Tangipahoa is a frightening place sometimes.
 
"Tangipahoa"??

How is that even pronounced?
 
N-O x 100000! If you're going to be spending that much money, why not just buy us iPhones?
 
This Rock Band thing makes me realize how those consumer zombie fatasses must have felt when they were told that the Whopper had been discontinued.

Rock Band for the PS2 = FAIL.
 
Leave those zombs alone. Just goes to show you how little people have to live for.
 
@ maus: Tanj-i-pa-ho-a. It's a parish here in good ol' Looziana. :P
 
One word and a couple of numbers CDP:

XBOX 360

And the 'fail' thread is owning my life. It'll take about 3 hours to read though.
 
Carrot Duff -- some Fark threads are goldmines for the images alone. I do a lot of scrolling and right clicking. The reading of actual comments takes too much time. I'll summarize: most of the comments will be variations of "She's preggers! OMG! Blame her idiot mother for letting her 19 y/o boyfriend move in!!" and a lot of posts consisting of "This".
 
Oh God please no ric/rolling here at the CDP. This is a refuge from the insanity* out there. Let's keep it out there okay?




* exceptin' poop jokes
 
You mean no thinly disguised links to crappy Final Countdown covers, either?

Everyone always spoils all my fun *kicks can and mopes*
 
I am going to buy a book (or two) asap...but since I can't write a check, I have to wait for a new checkcard pin. Please have patience for my purchase(s) as I would like for you to recieve as much profit from my purchase as humanly possible. Thus, I am not purchasing it online. You are welcome
 
11. I'm extremely liberal when it comes to gay rights, gay marriage and complete political and economical equality in regards to homosexuality, yet I still use the term 'gay' as a way to insult various things. I feel hypocritical and unintelligent about this, and I'm taking steps to eliminate it entirely from my vocabulary.

(I'll save you the long scroll)


The only challenge has been the new Jean Paul Gaultier cologne commercial. Seriously, what is the message here? DOes anyone have a better pitch for it than this:

The new fragrance from Jean Paul Gaultier, 1 in 10 can't be wrong.
 
I love the RickRoll, but I won't do it because it's unoriginal. You have my word. I'm never gonna tell a lie, or hurt you.

TAMMY - Thank you! You're fantastic!

BLU - Some days are easier than others. Especially now that they're airing that 'Bod' body spray commercial again.
 

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