Monday, December 24

The Best Christmas Post Ever.

The Best Christmas Ever.

This is a photograph of me on Christmas Day 1988, unwrapping the Nintendo Entertainment System. I've never been quite the same since. Good thing I was wearing my stone-washed jeans, because they hid the ever-growing pee stain.

You know, as we all spend the next few days celebrating with loved ones, sucking back egg nog and pretending not to be completely freaking miserable, we should all take a second to remember what it's all about. A moment to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas; the reason we get together every year and share our happiness and unity with others.

As I've done every year for the past three years, I want to share with you the Greatest Christmas Blog Post In History, courtesy of Let's Eat Paste. It's become a tradition here, and I thank Mr. Paste in advance for allowing me to share it with my audience.

It reads as follows. You may want to dim the lights to enhance the mood:

A few years ago, my friend Jim sent me a Christmas card, and he had scribbled the following message inside. I talked to him a few months later, and he didn't remember what he had written.

Dear Paste,

Remember: Whenever we say "Christmas," Christ always comes first. And whenever we say "X-mas," X comes first. Not many people know that Jesus Christ's real name is "Jesus Little." He changed His name to "Jesus X" to show that He was His own person and didn't need the white man's slave name... He was His own man. Which explains the meaning behind X-mas. It's just short for "X-Man's." Because the X-Men had superpowers... just like Jesus.

Jim


Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays from the CDP. We will return after the holidays with the final post of the year. You're not going to want to miss it.

FRIDAY: THE STATE OF THE CDP SPEECH - 2007.

Comments:
I'm anticipating!
 
I know I promised a book review, but I think I will hold it back until after Christmas.

Merry Beermas, Lucky Jackie Pop-pop!
 
Old and Busted: CDP
New Hotness!: LJPP!
 
Hotlink, FTW!

That picture should be illegal.
 
The PS possibilities are endless. But I'm not that cruel.
 
Merry Beermas, JT!

...Lucky Jackie Pop-Pop. Man...what did you ingest before you went to sleep that night?

I knew that House on the Rock pic would come back to haunt me.....with SEXINESS! Just imagine being fortunate enough to have that waiting for you on the bed when you come home from work.

God, I feel so bad for the Missus. Just terribly awful.

So, I'm off to the Fox Cities in about an hour, returning to Headquarters on Tuesday night. I'll be keeping an eye on the page periodically, though.

I'm sending lots of hugs and non-denominational, non-illegal, non-gay smooches your way.
 
Dude, you better check those again. I think I got a gay one.
 
Yep, sorry about that. Here, have a Wet-Nap, on the house.
 
Honestly, I didn't eat or drink anything weird. I had a turkey sandwich and a glass of water.

I'm just naturally batshit insane in my dreams.
 
Everyone knows that water before bed will mess you up!

NyQuil and Crown Royal for me, thanks. Now where's that elephant with my rocket ship?
 
Merry Christmas to all! Considering what I was drinking last night (and how much) I should be hungover right now, but I'm not.

It's a Christmas miracle!
 
Merry Christmas, Maus! I myself went a little hard on the whiskey/7up combo last night, but today is a new day. Besides, Santa showed up!

I'm currently in my Grandma's basement, where I spent last night. I have to hit no less than three houses today, answering questions about why I don't have a kid, and 'what this whole book thing is all about.' I'm mentally prepared and ready to roll.

Now, where's my lucky red snowflake sweater?
 
Merry Christmas CDPeons!

All is quiet here at the Canal.

FOOD! YOM YOM YOM!
 
Red snowflake sweater? Nice.

Congrats on the non-hangover, Maus!
 
Back at you, everyone!

Surprisingly enough, I took it very easy on the drinking last night, only downing six or so beers all night. Melissa, on the other hand, nearly destroyed a bottle of vodka. Stories will follow in the days to come, especially about the sleeping arrangements (nothing too dirty, I promise.)
 
Merry Christmas, Cargirl! I'm mailing out your goods on Wednesday! I wore your shirt to bed last night!

Erm, wait a minute. Perhaps I should offer a backstory for those not in the know.

...nah, screw it. It sounds funnier this way.

Got your text, JT; Merry Beermas! Hope you got mine back. I expect photos and stories, stat.

I'm currently sipping a white chocolate latte while avoiding taking gifts out to peoples' cars. I'm absolutely humbled by the generosity(sp) of my family this year; amazing. It's been a good couple days, but I'll be looking forward to driving back to Headquarters tonight, putting everything away and unwinding during my day off tomorrow.

Happy Holidays, everyone. You're great.
 
Awesome, CDP.

I sleep every night with the envelope you sent my underneath my pillowcase.

Erm, wait a minute. Perhaps I should offer a backstory for those not in the know.

...nah, screw it. It sounds funnier this way.

 
Is that the one with the toenail clippings, lock of hair, and vial of blood?
 
Blood? Yes. Clippings? Of course.

Hair? Nope; that's just gross.

Well, we're safely back at Headquarters after a busy, draining, amazing Christmas. We're going to head out for lunch at around Noon, then come back and put an hour or two into getting everything put away and our lives back to normal. The remainder of the afternoon/evening will be spent on the couch, in front of the fireplace, clearing out our TiVo and relaxing as much as possible before going back to work tomorrow.

We work on Thursday and Friday, then it's off to Annandale Minnesota for three days of awesomeness at Thayer's Bed & Breakfast (where we got married; an annual tradition), along with the almighty Mall Of America. We're bringing friends, and will get back home just in time to ring in the New Year.

Expect the final CDP post of the year to arrive Friday. It's important.

Rad. What's everyone else up to? What did Santa get you?
 
Is that the one with the toenail clippings, lock of hair, and vial of blood?

And a used napkin.


Santa was lame this year. Mostly gift cards and weird books, nothing I asked for. Except I got one cool thing from my cat, a huge badass camera to replace the one that was stolen from me in Michigan over the summer.

Pretty sweet.
 
CG- that is a truly awe inspiring peice of equipment you have there.

Erm, wait a minute. Perhaps I should offer a backstory for those not in the know.

...nah, screw it. It sounds funnier this way.



CDP- don't forget the Barry White. ah- yah.
 
I got my mom a Barry White CD for Christmas this year.
 
I was lucky this Christmas. I got mad cash from relatives (yay!) which will go towards paying off my ex-wife's credit card (boo!)

I also got all kinds of cool new kitchen gadgets, some clothing, and syphilis.

Oh yeah, and Melissa got me a pretty sweet watch.
 
CG - Nice camera! Don't get it stolded!

By the way, I mailed out your package today. Rawk.

BLU - Beh-heh-heh.

When Barry White comes on, clothes come off. It's like a Pavlovian reaction; I got naked in a JC Penneys last week.

JT - Sounds like you raked it in; fantastic.

I got myself a radar detector, a ton of gift cards and cash, some board games, a new Singstar game, and a MINIATURE CRANE GAME. You know those crane games that you play to win stuffed animals and stuff? Well, I HAVE ONE NOW, only it's the size of a mini-fridge and I can put candy and stuff in there.

Last year, my mini vending machine (it dispenses fun size candy) was the hit of the office. This crane game should blow it outta the water. I'll never be able to get people out of my office.
 
Alright, now that Christmas is over I need to ask a serious question. Do you know that my blogroll always say that CDP has been updated when in fact it has not? Is this a blogroll issue or do you just like to get my hopes up and then dash them just as quickly.
 
I'm always making minuscule adjustments to the page, so it might think there's a new post when there really isn't.

Or perhaps it's just so used to amazing daily CDP content, it got into the habit of just assuming that something awesome was going on here.

I predict the latter.
 
This was the last visible picture taken christmas day 1988. The maze of Lite pyramids and billowing cloud of Smokin' Joe appeared shortly afterward.
 
...as it did each Christmas until sometime around 2002.
 
I bought myself a linoleum wet/dry vacuum yesterday. You would not believe how happy I am about this.
 
It's pretty wonderful. Now, the tile will be spotless at all times.

I'm currently wearing my new argyle sweater that's riding a fine line between amazingly fashionable and the most feminine-looking thing I've ever owned.
 
Nope. It's HOT. H-O-T. Hot.
 
BTW- A belated Merry Christmas to you!
 
Thanks much; same to you.

The office 3 feet to the right of my cubicle has been empty for over a year now. Today marks the second time that I've been told I couldn't move into it. The official word is that 'the position is still open, and may be filled.' My official word is 'It's been collecting dust for 13 months, and I can move out in 15 goddamn minutes if you ever decide to fill it.'

Whatever; I'm through arguing.
 
You know what make s a pretty good drink?

Irish Cream, Creme de Menthe, and milk.

Just random ingredients I had around the house (I'm not working today.)
 
Oh yeah, and whiskey.
 
Don't let the man keep you down, CDP. And I'm really excited to see your package.

Erm, wait a minute. Perhaps I should offer a backstory for those not in the know....nah, screw it. It sounds funnier this way.

I'm driving down to Springfield today to visit my father until Sunday. It should be boring and uneventful. I bought The Weakerthans' Reunion Tour CD today, and it's killer, so I'll definitely be enjoying this today on my way downstate.
 
JT - I'm on it. Sounds like a good 'fireplace' drink.

CARGIRL - Thanks for the support. My package is jaw-droppingly unbelievable.

Enjoy the drive. If you like Reunion Tour, I strongly suggest picking up Reconstruction Site; it's a classic.
 
Maybe Ben will get the office.
 
Maybe I'll quit.
 
Maybe you should work at Panera with all the angsty scenesters.
 
Yeah, it would be like American Beauty, only with 100% less Wes Bentley.

I'll give it a crack.
 

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