Tuesday, December 4

Please Don't Shake The Lava Lamp. Thanks.

We have a paper Christmas tree this year.
(Paper Christmas trees are better than you by a long shot.)

1. The mail orders for the book are starting to come in, and will be fulfilled by me no more than one business day after receiving payment (lucky for you, I live 100 yards from the Post Office). I'm shipping one book per envelope, so if you paid for two books, you'll get two different envelopes. I'm also shipping no nude photos per envelope, so if you paid for three books, you'll get no nude photos.

2. I'll have more book press, reviews and interviews on the horizon, and I will make every scrap of them available here on the CDP. Not so much for you, but for my mom and what few close friends actually care about my limited accomplishments. The Missus has sent press releases out to local publications and newspapers, which may or may not be a good thing once initial reactions of the book start coming in. You don't want to promote a flaming turd any more than is absolutely necessary.

3. I plan on promoting the book pretty hardcore until around the end of the week, where the CDP will start its year-end activities (Albums Of The Year, Year In Review, Best/Worst Of 2007, etc.). For those who are wondering when I'll get back to the funny, you'll get your wish starting Monday. I've been waiting to get back to funny stories quite a bit, myself. Talking about myself in interviews has been a lot of fun, but I'm looking forward to talking more about myself in the recently past tense. It's just a totally different feeling, you know?

4. If you've been thinking about buying some CDP merch, know that they will undergo a complete overhaul in 2008, and none of the current line will be available. So, if you've been hankering for a CDP messenger bag or mousepad, you'd better do it before they're gone at the end of the year. Buy some CDP merch right now!

5. At my office of employment, I've recently developed a taste for the egg salad sandwiches they stock in the break room vending carousel. Because of this, co-workers and associates have accused me of being insane, having a death wish or just possessing horrid taste in lunch items. For me, I love egg salad, but even when made correctly, you can pretty much expect an afternoon spent on the toilet. However, I had a lucky streak with the 'wheel of death,' and started to get cocky, thinking that nothing could hurt me.

Well, that all changed yesterday evening. If you need me today... just don't need me today. I have to rest, drink plenty of fluids and scotchtape my asshole back together.

You know, I wasn't going to use that joke, but I found it far too funny not to type. I hope you understand and appreciate the internal struggle I had with it. Much like the struggle I had with 18 pounds of flaming lean tissue vacating my colon at light speed.

Please sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Comments:
I feel sorry for your asshole.
 
"I'm also shipping no nude photos per envelope"

That's the difference between you and I, sir.
 
Nice tree.

I'll probably be commenting a lot today. Sick kid (again). No work. Comments galore. Also ordering books and merch, probably.

Off to administer maternal care and fair amounts of cough medicine now.
 
Our paper tree rules. Thanks, Tamazaz!
 
You're welcome, it looks good.

I hope CDP feels better. By the way, I stopped at the PO assuming my priority package would be there as it should have been, but nooooo.I was very disappointed!
 
CARGIRL - Yeah, you should. I'm all better now, and learned my lesson far later than was really necessary.

On a positive note, our new humidifier/air purifier combo really clears out the sinuses and makes CDP Headquarters a much more comfortable place. I know you were concerned.

WILL - I didn't say I wouldn't accept them, I'm just not shipping them. I have amassed quite a collection of fan-submitted erotic photography; an entire corkboard full of 'em. Keeps me inspired.

(not really)

MAUS - Good luck with your little one; you've picked a good place to spend the bulk of your day.

Yeah, all of the merch in the CDP Store is going to be eliminated and replaced in 2008, so if you see anything you like, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ORDER IT BEFORE IT'S GONE FOREVER.

The paper Christmas tree PWNZ.
 
TAMAZZAZAZZ - I shipped it out at 5pm yesterday. There was no way it would arrive this morning!

Peddle those books!
 
If the PO was open, it should have gotten here today. If it was something I didn't want, like a bill, it would be here.

I notice you two didn't attempt the oragami ornaments, will you be trying them?
 
Hmmmm....maybe I accidentally transmitted my stomach problems via chat last night.

I'm mailing of my cash today (no, really, I might!) and am getting ready to hit the road for my usual Tuesday of 6 hours on the road plus sales calls. GACK.

Feel better, man.
 
TAMAZAZZ - We tried them, but failed. We decided that the tree looked better without them, and went the stipped-down route. We love it!

JT - Thanks for the kind words (and the money!); I deserved it for busting on you last night concerning the moonshine. Karma exists.

I'm sucking back Vitamin Water and sitting very still today.
 
CDP - Don't make the same mistakes I did yesterday. DO NOT, under any circumstances, attempt for your first solid meal to be Chef Boyardee Nacho Twistaronis.

Trust me on this one.
 
Okay, the sheer absurdity of that made me laugh pretty hard. I can't imagine anything good coming from that decision, hence the hilarity.

Nope, all I'm digesting today is water and cheese. Lots of cheese.
 
Twistaronis rule!
 
I'm throwing a wine, chocolate and cheese party the second the snow melts.
 
Glad to hear you're feeling better. Those egg salad sandwiches will get you every time, although I sure do love them.

You know what else I love? Wine, chocolate and cheese. But especially cheese. Hmmmmmm, cheese.
 
Party in New Glarus!
 
On a positive note, our new humidifier/air purifier combo really clears out the sinuses and makes CDP Headquarters a much more comfortable place.

Nope, all I'm digesting today is water and cheese. Lots of cheese.



I really hope you bought two of those purifier things. For the cat's sake.
 
It's settled, Julia and her boyfriend are invited to our next party. We'll play Rock Band; it'll be fun.

BLUSTACON - If you notice, one of our cats got into the Christmas tree shot above. Gabe is like Waldo; that dude is everywhere!

HATHERY - Even better. Although, I can't imagine how depressing New Glarus is during the winter.
 
You really don't have to promote a flaming turd more than saying:

"hey, it's a flaming turd"

...I'd watch that
 
Hey, it sure beats The Golden Compass.

D'oh!
 
Although, I can't imagine how depressing New Glarus is during the winter.

Are you kidding? With the chateaus, I bet it looks like a gingerbread village! Or like Jack Frost, whichever you prefer...

Nastya! Nastya!
 
I see Gabe. Just to the right of the almost-top of the paper tree.

I win.......

.....nothing.

Just got back from the doctor with a shiny new nebulizer/mask/medical tubing combo for my son's bronchial "issues" (bonus: he has an ear infection, too)

Why can't I just give the kid some Robatussin and call it a day?
 
Why can't I just give the kid some Robatussin and call it a day?

Can't take Robatussin...can't play on the teeter-totter...can't swallow magnets...can't play with plastic bags...what CAN kids do these days that is any fun?
 
A little bit of 'Tussin will clear that all right up.

Gosh, hope he feels better soon; sounds like he's in pretty crummy shape.

My favorite line from Jack Frost: "Our little idiot sure is horrible, isn't she?"
 
You say that about me sometimes.
 
Evan is on his way to the doctor with the same bronchial problems. I hate it when kids are sick!
 
Oh no! Poor baby :( :( :(
 
This is why I have invisible kids. They never get sick.
 
That's because theydon't eat egg salad from the vending machine.
 
No, they eat invisible egg salad, which is perfectly safe.
 
You should probably take their lead on this one.
 
"I didn't pretend to water my fake plant, so it died."
 
Are you kidding? With the chateaus, I bet it looks like a gingerbread village! Or like Jack Frost, whichever you prefer...



Or The Shining
 
I didn't pretend to satisfy my blow-up girlfriend, so she threw a shoe at my head and dumped me.

Bad day.
 
I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeeper and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really, but sure enough I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.

Wayne's World 2...terrible movie, great quote.
 
Oh, I see...bust out the Wayne's World 2 and suddenly you're all afraid to talk. AS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT! Pssht.
 
asphinctersayswhat?
 

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