Thursday, January 18

CDP Link Party - "I Miss Katherine" Edition.

Never Forget.

1. American Idol's back, and I'm more than a little concerned. After four hours of auditions this week, I think I saw one serious competitor that didn't annoy me to tears. I fully understand that the first month of AI is the humorous 'cattle call' that we all love so much, but they usually show off at least some of the talent we'll be seeing down the road. Not so much.

I was also glad to see that the best Wisconsin export thus far was a Crack Baby. Way to represent, Madison! The Missus used to work for the welfare office of Dane County, so every time we see a mugshot or Crack Baby on television, she exclaims "I know that person!"

This was no exception.

I Need To Hit The Tanning Booth.

2. In lieu of heavy writing and other various CDP projects, I'm still working out like a madman. Around Christmas time, my weight was somewhere around 153 pounds. Yesterday, I broke the 161 pound mark; my heaviest weight to date.

This is a good thing, however. I'm quickly gaining muscle weight and slowly losing 'fat' weight, which will counterbalance in a month or so. This is exactly where I want to be with my weight; now I just need to make sure that it's due to as much muscle as I can pack onto my frame. I did take yesterday off from exercise however, due to a sore rotator cuff.

I wish I could write a funny essay about working out, but it's been pretty mundane and run-of-the-mill. However, the day I pee my pants in front of my personal trainer, you'll be the first (well, second) to know.

I'm also making small changes to my diet. I'm laying off of soda completely, in favor of strictly water or juice. Because I fear kidney stones like the apocalypse, I've been sucking down cranberry and pomegranate juice like nobody's business. I should tell you, however, that it's not wise to drink pomegranate juice quickly, or it will have an 'ipecac effect' on you. Learn from the mistakes of a guy that damn near threw up all over himself during an office meeting yesterday.

The Velvet Teen Is Better Than You.

3. Here are the last 10 albums I've listened to:

a) The Beatles - Love
b) Boston - Boston
c) The Thermals - The Body, The Blood, The Machine
d) Algebra One - The Keep Tryst EP
e) Soul Coughing - El Oso
f) Catch 22 - Keasbey Nights (New Version)
g) Jawbreaker - Dear You
h) P.O.S. - Audition
i) Sufjan Stevens - Illinois
j) The Velvet Teen - Plus, Minus, Equals

If you need 3 reasons why this month is awesome, look no further than new albums by indie supergroups Of Montreal, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and The Shins.

Fantastic.

It's Raining Men.

4. I've been treating myself quite nicely this week. I've purchased four shirts, a nice wool jacket, a few CD's and a John Locke collectible figurine. After work, I will be picking up Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol, because I like to look like an ass in front of my friends.

Also, expect to see the very first CDP podcast sometime next week, technical issuses permitting.

You Gotta Eat The Pudding.

5. In case you were wondering, here's what I'll be up to today:

6:00am - Wake up; shut off alarm. Go to closet. Fall asleep in closet.
6:30am - Missus wakes me up in closet. Prepare for work.
7:00am - Leave for work. Sing loudly and refuse to use turn signal.
7:15am - Arrive at work. Read Fark until co-workers arrive.
8:00am - Work. Repeat as necessary.
12:30pm - Eat veggie sandwich, potato salad, sliced fruit, one pickle and cranberry juice.
1:00pm - Continue to work. Leave when satisfied.
4:00pm - Arrive home. Change clothes and clean house. Pet cats.
5:00pm - Missus arrives home. Go to health club; work out for at least 1 hour.
6:30pm - Eat dinner consisting of more calories than I burned during workout.
7:00pm - Watch as much recorded television as possible. Sit by fireplace and snuggle.
10:00pm - Missus goes to bed. I stay up and play Fight Night: Round 3.
3:00am - Bed.

Later kids. Sound off in the comments section and let me know how you're living.

Wednesday, January 17

What Have I Done To This City?

There's More To Appleton Than Our Acclaimed Escorts.

This is the single funniest Onion article of all-time, and here's why. Read this snippet from a CDP essay published in April of 2006:

-April 3, 2006 - "Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition."

When I was 13 years old, I did some web design for an escort service in my former hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin. I became friends with the wealthy owner of the company, and was promised a free date with the girl of my choice when I turned 18, along with the keys to his Porsche Boxter for the night.

Fact Or Crap? - FACT!

I think I might have stumped a lot of people with this one. Truth is, this really happened back in 1995-1996. The internet might have been new at the time when it came to the globalization of information and commerce, but since day one, it was always a worldwide pornography and prostitution ring. Let it be known that I was there for the glory days.

I don't know how it happened, I don't know how I got away with it and I don't know why my mom didn't step in sooner, but it's all true. This story ends peacefully and morally though, with the aforementioned rich owner getting arrested and sent to the clink for shady business deals; mainly because he was, you know, running a whorehouse (all true). I've since attended confession many times to right my past wrongs.