Friday, March 9

Lost Friday - "Enter 77."

Lost Friday - Enter 77.
Season 3 - Episode 11: "Enter 77."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Seriously.

For real this time. It was a stellar episode.

But first, a trademark rant.

Boy howdy, what a week I've been having. The massive cold I've been fighting for 6 days has dissipated to the point where I can now focus entirely on my undeniable case of Strep Throat (I'm on antibiotics, but it still hurts like hell). I'm sucking on cough drops and downing Pomegranate juice like there's no tomorrow, but I'm smart enough to realize that Strep Throat only goes away when it's good and ready. Sort of like Ryan Seacrest.

My office has become a makeshift bedroom for a close friend, complete with her pet bird, which she likes to let out of the cage from time to time. For hours on end, my cats sit outside of the closed office door, wailing and begging for their chance to pounce in and eat it. The incessant peeping and screeching of said bird has actually stressed one of my cats out to the point of peeing in my shower on a bi-daily basis. This doesn't bother me too much, as I myself have a habit of peeing in the shower on a bi-daily basis. I just don't like having to wait in line.

Note: Birds are not pets.

My mother came down to Madison last weekend to attend schooling for an upcoming job. On the second day in, her car broke down at the mall, and I had to leave work early to pick her up. No sooner did I pull into the J.C. Penney parking lot, when her car started and she drove away. It's a good thing, though, because the last time I tried to jump-start a car, I only succeeded in jump-starting the poop from my pants.

Speaking of which, my car set a personal record this week for the most amount of dashboard lights illuminated at once. Five, count 'em, FIVE lights were on at the same time. They were:

Low Fuel light.
Check Coolant light.
Brake Fluid light
Fasten Seat Belt light.
Trunk Ajar light

On top of that, I was out of Windshield Washer Fluid, and drove home from work in a muddy haze. I'll have you know that I fixed every one of these issues in my garage last night, which marked the first time in 4 years that I had to wash grease off of my hands. Pouring fluids into specifically labeled holes under my hood made me feel like such a man!

As you can gather, the last 10 days have been a bit trying and thankless for yours truly. I'll get over it, though, with a heaping helping of The Thick & Meaty!

The Thick & Meaty!

IN FLASHBACKS:

Sayid is working as a chef in a Paris restaurant (buh? why? how?), when a seemingly satisfied customer wants to speak with him. This customer offers Sayid a job at his own restaurant, which Sayid accepts, but not before torturing 10 people on the way out with various forms of cutlery.

As you would assume, Sayid walks into a trap. The wife of the restaurant owner claims that Sayid tortured her when he was still in the Republican Guard. The goons play a game of punchy-kicky with Sayid and lock him in the back room, forcing him to make fettuccine alfredo at gunpoint for all of eternity.

For several days, they beat on Sayid and ask him to confess to torturing Amira. Sayid refuses, claiming that he would never torture a woman and that they have the wrong guy. Eventually, Amira shows up, cat in hand, and gives Sayid a little moral lesson on admitting when you're about to get your ass handed to you for no good reason. Sayid confesses to the torturing (we don't actually know if he was telling the truth or not), and Amira lets him go.

On the way out, Sayid tortures 10 more people with various forms of cutlery.

ON THE BEACH:

The castaways find and set up the ping-pong table that survived the Hatch implosion. Sawyer, still pissed that everyone made off with all of his alcohol and porn, offers to play anyone for a chance to win it back. Hurley accepts the challenge for the castaways, and promptly destroys him faster than his Pie Eating Contest victory the week prior. As part of the agreement, Sawyer can no longer give people nicknames for an entire week, thus removing what little humor was left in this show.

Hurley gives Sawyer back his porn and lets him know that Kate will be okay. Sawyer responds by torturing Hurley with various forms of cutlery.

AT THE FLAME:

(Just a reminder; the Flame Station is not to be confused with the 'Flamer' Station. Whereas the Flame station is hot, the Flamer station is FAAAABULOUS'!)

Kate, Sayid and Locke find their way to the Flame Station, where Sayid takes one for the team and gets shot in the arm in order to infiltrate. There, they run into Patchy and get to talkin'.

And he sez'...

Mikhail says he grew up in Kiev and joined the Soviet Army. He was stationed at a listening post in Vladivostok. His unit was decommissioned when the Cold War ended. He replied to a newspaper advertisement titled, "Would you like to save the world?" He joined the "very secretive, rich, and smart" initiative and came to the island eleven years ago. He was put in this station, called the Flame, the purpose of which is to communicate with the outside world. He says that everyone else in the DHARMA initiative died in a foolish attack they called "the purge" on the Others, whom they called "Hostiles". Mikhail survived by not getting involved and agreeing to a truce according to which he would stay behind a designated line. He says they weren't interested in the satellite dish because it hadn't functioned in years. He doesn't know who the hostiles are, but they were on the island for a very long time before the Initiative.

Beautiful.

As it turns out, he was pretty much full of crap, but we'll get to that later.

John Locke, functioning in full bumbling idiot-mode this week, plays some chess while Sayid figures absolutely everything out for himself. He determines that Mikhail is an Other posing as a DHARMA member, and that they need to play along because he's not alone.

That lasts for about a minute, and a struggle ensues. Mikhail gets conked and tied up, while the castaways explore the rest of the Station.

Locke, once again completely dropping the ball, ignores Mikhail and plays more chess. When he finally manages to defeat the computer, he sees more Marvin Candle video footage, concerning communication procedures. As he's trying to figure out a way to contact the outside world, Mikhail steps up and puts a knife to his throat.

In the basement, Sayid and Kate find manuals entailing just about everything we've always wanted to know about the DHARMA Initiative. Just then, Ms. Klugh shows up, gets whipped and ends up captured. This leads to a Mexican standoff upstairs, and instead of making a switch, Ms. Klugh begs Mikhail to kill her, as she refuses to give up important information. Mikhail obliges, and puts her down clean.

Afterwards, Kate, Sayid, Locke and Rousseau are hauling Mikhail away, when Locke speaks up. Feeling pretty proud of himself, he exclaims that he entered the 'Hostile Takeover' code into the computer, which means that reinforcements are on the way (he thinks). Seconds later, the Flame Station explodes, including all of the important documents within (along with their only hope of outside-world contact).

Sayid then tortures Lock with various forms of cutlery. And boy does he deserve it.

*SMASH CUT.*

This was a good episode; almost on par with the better episodes of Seasons 1 & 2. There was a lot of island mythology, more information concerning what happened to Dharma and the overall goal and history of the 'Hostiles.' Besides the unnecessary cutbacks to the beach, and ever more unnecessary dialogue from Nikki and Paulo, I would almost rank this as one of the best episodes of Season 3 thus far.

I could have done with some actual Ping-Pong footage between Sawyer and Hurley, but I'll survive. I also had a fleeting thought that they would choose Jin to play Sawyer, as I naturally assumed Jin was an amazing Ping-Pong player.

Is that racist? I'll never know.

Now, let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - I was absolutely stunned by the sheer ignorance and stupidity of John Locke this week. I was wondering what he had been up to for the last few weeks; apparently he's been huffing paint and reading Mitch Albom novels, because he turned into a stone-cold idiot.

If it weren't for the MacGyver-like brilliance of Sayid, everyone would have been killed four times over. Throw the destruction of the Flame Station into the hat, and you're left with one of biggest displays of Lost idiocy since Arzt dropped the dynamite. For shame!

8 - We're starting to see what happened in the whole Dharma vs. Hostiles feud from years back. Apparently, the Hostiles had been on the island for many years before Dharma showed up with their stupid lava lamps and Geronimo Jackson records.

Okay, that's about all we know. Oh yeah, they killed everyone in Dharma, and Dharma booby-trapped all of their stuff out of fear of them.

Oh, and Locke's an idiot.

15 - It sure looked like Mikhail was going to kill himself before turning the gun on Ms. Klugh. I fully expect Mikhail to take his own life before he 's forced to spill the beans about the genesis of the Hostiles. Typical and not very surprising, if you ask me.

16 - We did find out the origin of the cables leading into the ocean, along with the validation that the Hostiles do have a submarine. We also think that Sayid's map will lead them right into their neighborhood.

Meanwhile, Jack is eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching the E! Channel on a constant loop.

23 - We may never know if Sayid was telling the truth about torturing Amira. I guess it really doesn't matter, but it would say something about his character and redemption. In the end, it played into whether or not Mikhail should live, but at the end of the day, the flashbacks merely served the present-day storyline, not the other way around.

Hold on, I'll think of some sort of joke to put here. Just give me a second.

Poop!

42 - What's up with Locke's fascination with entering things into a computer? Didn't he have to do that all day when he worked at the box company? You'd think he'd want a vacation.

Another week, another new episode of Lost. Tiny Spoilers Ahoy!

Episode 12 - Par Avion.

4 - Episode 12 will be titled "Par Avion," and it will be Claire-centric.

8 - "Par Avion" is French for "By plane." Just thought you might want to know.

15 - The official preview from ABC reads: "Charlie exhibits peculiar behavior when Claire has an idea that could get everyone rescued; tensions mount between Sayid and Locke as they continue their journey to rescue Jack."

16 - The flashbacks will go back to when Claire was a teenager. I expect to see a lot of yelling and slamming doors. She's kind of a brat.

23 - Jack and Claire are totally related. Everyone already knows that Christian was sleeping with Claire's mom. If you didn't already know that, now you do. Don't forget to buy a CDP t-shirt on your way out.

42 - Kate, Sayid and Locke will make it to the Hostile's camp by the end of this episode. Hopefully, they will keep Locke away from anything that has buttons on it.

Well, there you have it, another Lost Friday come and gone. Start the conversation in the comments section, and send all erotic photography to communistdance@yahoo.com. Help yourself to some CDP Merch in THE CDP WEBSTORE, and don't forget to visit our friends at The Coconut Internet when you have a minute or two.

Here are links to every Lost Friday this season. They haven't been embalmed yet, so they're starting to get a little ripe.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review

MONDAY:
ADVENTURES IN CYBER-SEX.

Wednesday, March 7

CDP Wayback Machine - Mad-Lib Edition.

(I'm still sick as hell and have an extremely limited amount of time in my office. Here's a CDP Classic from one year ago this week. Enjoy.)

Here now, the very first CDP Mad-Lib. Here’s how you can play along; it’s fun!

Make a list of answers to the following 20 questions. For example, if I ask you for a PLURAL NOUN, you’d say something like BLENDERS or GRAPEFRUITS. Do this for each of the 20 words I ask of you.

When you’re finished, plug your answers into the correct places in my following trademark rant. They’ll be in order, so it’s easy. Ready?

Write down the first thing that comes to your mind for the following:

1. PLURAL NOUN (I already used blenders and grapefruits, jerk.)
2. ADJECTIVE (Descriptive word, in case you were wondering.)
3. TOURIST ATTRACTION
4. HISTORICAL PERSON
5. PLURAL DRINK
6. PLURAL SNACK
7. WORST MOVIE EVER
8. ADJECTIVE (Make sure it’s different from your first adjective!)
9. MEDIA MEDIUM
10. DISEASE
11. CRIME-RIDDLED CITY
12. ANIMAL
13. VEHICLE BRAND
14. ANIMAL (Make it different from the first animal!)
15. BODY PART
16. COLOGNE
17. CELEBRITY YOU HATE
18. BODY PART (Make it different from the first body part!)
19. ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
20. GAY CELEBRITY

Now, take those 20 answers, and get ready to plug them into one of my numerous hilarious rants.

'Hilarious Trademark Rant'
By: The CDP.

So, here’s three reasons why I absolutely despise PLURAL NOUN.

1. They’re ADJECTIVE.

You can’t even go to the TOURIST ATTRACTION anymore without drowning in their bull rip. Why, me and FAMOUS PERSON were just discussing their annoyance over PLURAL DRINK and PLURAL SNACK. We came to the conclusion that we hate them more than WORST MOVIE EVER.

2. They think they’re so ADJECTIVE.

I’m sick of seeing them on the MEDIA MEDIUM all the time, rattling on about their DISEASE. Listen, I grew up in CRIME-RIDDLED CITY too, but I don’t go around blaming it for the time I hit that ANIMAL with my VEHICLE BRAND.

3. They smell like an ANIMAL’s BODY PART.

I shouldn't have to walk around with a can of COLOGNE just because I’m afraid they’ll show up reeking like CELEBRITY wiped their BODY PART on their ARTICLE OF CLOTHING. I swear to you, the next time I see them coming, I’ll run faster than GAY CELEBRITY to the Bravo channel.

Did it work for you? What were your words? Share the laughter and love in the comments section, and praise me for all the hard work I do for you.

Monday, March 5

CDP Wayback Machine - Sinus Cold Edition.

CDP Wayback Machine - Sinus Cold Edition.

So, I'm feeling pretty miserable right about now, regardless of how sexy I look in that photo.

I've decided to take the day off and re-publish one of the most popular CDP posts of all time, which just so happened was published a year ago this week.

It's a tale of High School romance and rejection, with a little bit of Old Spice thrown in for flavor. When I finally turn the CDP into a television series, I promise you that this essay will serve as the pilot episode. Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly give you...

March - 2006: "No Scents Whatsoever."

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Monday. Don't be afraid to share your tales of rejection with the CDP faithful.