Friday, January 18

An Amusingly Cranky Eccentric Curiosity.

In The Not-Too-Distant Past.
(Skinny, awkward, baggy shirts...I hated the 16 year old me, and it showed.)

1. It bears repeating that Sunday is the NFC Championship game between the Packers and the Giants. If you live anywhere near the midwest, you're already aware of the astronomical prices and lengths that people are going to snag themselves tickets to Lambeau Field (considering the embarrassing state of our nation right now, even reasonably intelligent people will take anything they can get to take our minds off of reality, so suck it up and ask for seconds, kids!).

The Missus' side of the family are season ticket holders, which means that they always get first dibs on securing playoff tickets. Upon the realization that Green Bay would be hosting the championship game, my wonderful Mother-in-law tried to buy out the four family tickets and surprise me and the Missus with them as a gift (and a jaw-dropping gift at that). She offered her parents (the ticket owners) a cool grand for them, which they turned down in favor of selling them to a broker.

How much did they sell their daughter out for? $1200. A mere $200 more than what she offered them. This effects me directly and hurts me deeply, as I was to be the recipiant of one of those NFC Championship tickets. In fact, when I heard the news, my nose started bleeding. Alas, it wasn't meant to be, and I will spend Championship Sunday in my living room, listening to Troy Aikman ramble on about pass coverage while Joe Buck eats a cheese pizza.

Packers 34, Giants 17. See you in Arizona, Patriots.

This Is Way Cooler Than Porn.

2. I received a piece of Spam e-mail yesterday that contained the tagline: "Be Like Ron Jeremy!"

Yeah, that's exactly who I want to be like. A 55 year old, balding, has-been fatass with a smaller unit than me. Sounds like a raw deal, when you really think about it. I don't need you, Spam! Find another sucker! Come back to me when your tagline says: "Be Like Ron Popeil!" That guy was a visionary; he invented the Pocket Fisherman, for Christ's sake.

Tinker Catsup.

3. Benjamin over at Killer Sandbox Productions wants to draw you a picture. For free!

Here's the thing. Ben just bought himself a drawing tablet, and needs practice before he starts making millions off of his soon-to-be viral web animations. He's an incredibly gifted artist, and he'll create something that you'll love. So head on over there, give the man some much-needed practice and get something awesome and original in return!

Tonight, you'll find me in line for the 7:30 showing of Cloverfield. Also, the CDP will be taking Martin Luther King Jr. Day off, so expect the funny to arrive on Tuesday. Free at last.

Sound off in the comments section, sign up for the Nationwide Mix-Tape Trade #2 if you haven't yet, and enjoy your extended weekend.

Comments:
You look decidedly not happy for someone finding themselves behind the scenes at one of Geekdom's holy sites. Cheer up emo kid!

Your e-mail Spam is so much more amusing than mine. Mine has all been weight loss related lately. I think the internet is trying to tell me something...

My son has been obsessed with that stupid fishing pole for a year. I'm pretty sure the thing snaps in half during your first attempt to reel in a small but feisty pumpkin fish.

I want to know what the Cloverfield monster is, without seeing the movie.
 
It was one of the coolest days of my entire life, I just wasn't much for pictures at the time. If I had the chance to go back in time, I'd be grinning like a sex offender at summer camp.

Most of my spam e-mail relates to Nigerian scams and stopping premature...um...goings on. This stuff would disappear if it wasn't working, which is far more terrifying than the fact it exists at all.

The Pocket Fisherman is cool, but the Showtime Rotisserie Grill is boss. Set it and forget it!

Cloverfield is going to rule. Harry from Ain't It Cool News saw the movie and he STILL couldn't really describe what it looked like. That is awesome to me.
 
All my spam emails are young, Asian gals wanting to show me their goods. I think that they have mine and the CDP's email addresses mixed up.
 
I hear you can take "Douche 101" at Duke for $1200. Think this is a coincidence?

Seriously, though...I feel your pain. To know you were that close, yet so far away...
 
That is about the worst thing I've heard in a while. That dealer probably made twice that.

Let me inventory the spambox (It's still early mind you)

-Oprah endorsed Green Tea offer
-knag vulagra $1
-Beer and Fitness? Can it be?
-coverage for your whole family
-Campmor Trailmail
-Tickets on sale & special offers
-Reduce car expenses in 2008


I'm surprised there are no re-mortgage offers. I'm usually full of those.
 
HATHERY - Sorry about that.

MOE - This was the same pain I felt when I played Spin The Bottle at a party on the last day of the 6th grade and the girl that I had a crush on since kingergarten spun the bottle and it stopped about a millimeter away from me and landed on my best friend and they went into the closet and made out for 5 minutes.

This is the same pain.

BLU - That's some pretty tame spam. You should read more into the 'Beer and Fitness' thing.
 
It's about how drinking a beer after a workout can provide carbohydrates and such.

I had it all wrong. I always drank the beer before the workout and usually forgot to work out.
 
Drink beer before workout.

Forget to work out.

Drink beer to forget that you forgot to work out.
 
CDP - Bummer on the tickets, man. That sucks...bad.

Also, for the record, my potential mix tape song list is at 98 songs, and being pared down as we speak.
 
You were on the set of the Satellite of Love.

My emotions are having a war between unbridled jealousy and searing hatred of you.

I choose puppies and rainbows instead! Clearly they are the superior choice.

Also I got my first pair of contacts this morning and my eyeballs are very angry. Computer screens are not my friends right now.
 
Let's hear it for contact lenses! Whoo! I hope this doesn't mean that you're through wearing hipster frames from time to time, though.

To clarify, I wasn't on the set of the Satellite of Love, I was ON the Satellite of Love. They shot me up with Joel for the Season 10 premiere. This photo has always bothered me, because it really was one of the coolest days of my life, despite my scowl. It was the equivalent of walking through the Simpson's house (yes, I know they built a replica house; it ain't the same!).

I'm standing on a platform about one foot-by-one foot wide, because the 'puppet trench' was on either side. How Mike and Joel never fell through that thing is amazing to me.
 
Forgive me if you've told this story before but how did you end up on the SOL? I mean besides temping in Deep 13.
 
Easy - he was delivering a pizza to the SOL. And even after the days it took to get there, it was still warm!
 
JT - Thanks; the pain will subside...eventually.

My last mix was a 4-disk, 72 track masterpiece, so I'm assuming that this time around will be no different. I'll probably do one mix per Valentine's theme.

WILL - Best Brains used to give private tours of the studio if you called weeks ahead during a non-shooting day (more proof as to how amazing these fine people were). My family had planned a trip to the Mall of America that year, which wasn't too far away from BBI, so I begged to make it happen.

It was my family and maybe 3 other people, so the tour was very imtimate and amazing. They showed us everything and let us get photos everywhere. It was already a dream come true.

The kicker was this. The day we were there was a writing day, so the entire writing staff was in the studio. Mike, Kevin, Bill, Mary Jo, Bridget, Paul, everybody. Just walking around the studio and going about their business. Part of the legacy of MST3K is that these people genuinely loved their work, and were allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted way up in Minnesota. It always seemed like the best job in the world to me, and seeing it happen before my eyes just solidified those claims.

All I wanted was to not intrude on their work and remain invisible; these people were some of my comedic idols, after all. I didn't want to get in the way and bother them, so imagine my happiness when they went out of their way to say hello, shake hands and chat about what they were working on. I remember Bill accidentally walking through a picture I was taking and sincerely apologizing. I was like, "Are you kidding me?" Midwestern charm is a very real thing.

They say you're never supposed to meet your influences and whatnot, but I've met Mike Nelson three times now, and I can say with all certainty that he's an awesome guy, first and foremost, followed closely by being the most genuinely funny guy on the planet. His wife is a hilarious sweetheart and when I sent him a copy of my book last month, he wrote me back with words of thanks, encouragement and the promise to read it. I actually believe him, too.

I really should have made an entire post out of this. Oh well. Any other questions?
 
EMILY - Everyone knows that only Torgo's Pizza delivers to Deep 13.

I have an outtakes tape that shows all of the ruined takes of Mike doing his Torgo walk, only to have the entire room bust up in laughter each time.
 
Torgo's Pizza:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=__0C1lxp1Q4

Mike does a spot-on Torgo.
 
For once I have no snotty reply. I once ran into Joel at a supermarket out here and I was disapointed that Tom and Crow weren't in the cart.
 
Mike lives in San Diego now, so the odds of you seeing him are now considerably better than before.

Someday, I'll have to shoot a clip of me showing off all of my MST3K memoribilia.

Better yet; MST3K party at CDP Headquarters!
 
Wooooo!

I guess now would be the time to totally whore out my slammin' Torgo theme song remix: Torgo's Delight, by DJ Xenophile (my completely un-ironic DJ alter-ego).
 
Am I the ONLY one who actually enjoyed "Manos", and not in an ironic way?
 
...yes.
 
double yes
 
She actually remixed the Torgo theme. And it sounds really good. It reminded me of the Speed Racer mix, with slightly less sexual overtones.

I just...I don't really know what to say right now. I might actually be crying.

There's a reason that the Manos episode was so popular, or that Manos is constantly referred to as the worst film of all-time, or that even the Mads in the episode thought they were going too far with Joel. It's completely unredeemable in every way.

Try watching it without the riffing (like I tried to do once). It's torture like you wouldn't believe.
 
It was a long held dream of mine to remix the song, so I'm glad others appreciate the realization of that dream.

I, too, tried watching Manos sans riffing, and it nearly killed me. As in, I felt like my brain was being slowly turned into peanut butter, and not the chunky kind, either.
 
Well I think it's a good movie. End of story.
 
Give me three reasons.

Was it the 15 minute opening montage of driving? The dialogue that was garbled beyond recognition? The complete absense of any likeable character? The sexist storyline? The pedophilia?

The only thing good about the movie was Torgo, and it was because he was a drug addict that was high in every take.
 
TORGO. That's the reason that movie ruled. And the horrible way that guy treated his wife. That ruled too. And the cape with the hands on it. That ruled. And the music while they were driving. That ROCKED.

MANOS= WIN
 
Togro is pretty neat. You got that right.

And yeah, that cape was ultra badass.

I also suppose that guy's wife deserved to be treated like crap, what with her constant whining.

Also, the montage music was pretty amazingly horrible.

Hmmm...you've given me a lot to think about.
 
Exactly. EGGGsactly.
 
Am I the only one who noticed how in Manos the dialogue and the film itself seem to be slightly out of synch?
 
Slightly? The dialogue is in a completely different dimension!

After the film was shot, none of the audio showed up right, so something like 3-4 people went into a studio and dubbed all of the dialoge over again for all of the parts!

Remember that scene with the kissing teenage couple and the cop? Remember when Joel says, "that's just one guy talking?" He wasn't kidding!
 
Also, Torgo committed suicide not long after the film was completed and thus he never got to experience this episode.
 
Hell, he was dead before the movie even premiered. Pretty sad, when you think about it.
 
Sad, or AWESOME? Just like the movie?
 
BTW, Caveman-- your "green thing" is up on Ben's site. Is it something dirty? Guess you'll have to go there to find out!
 
Hathery, I think I'm the luckiest person ever. HALLK EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSED!!! I need a business card logo now.
---
Although MST3k is no longer on the air, as long as we have our memories, DVDs and pirated video tapes they will always remain in our hearts.

Anyone hear about Cinematic Titanic? It's the newest MST3k spawn with basically all the same writers. When I found out I think I started to cry a little.
 
I've watched Manos like ten times and it never gets old.
 
I have to say, I'm absolutely amazed by how many MST3K fans we have here at the CDP. This is honestly the coolest web community I've ever been a part of; I was just lucky enough to create it.

Apart from Cinematic Titanic, Mike, Bill & Kevin still do stuff under the name 'The Film Crew.'
 
"CLOVERFIELD IS THE GREATEST MONSTER MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN."


- Ryan J. Zeinert
www.theCDP.net
 
Is it good enough to compel me to go spend money to see it? I read a vague description of part of the monster, but I'm still undecided.
 
I don't want to read anything about the monster before I see it. But I do want to know if the movie itself is worth seeing. So far I'm getting the impression that it is.

I take you all have seen/heard the RiffTrax that Mike and co. do? My pals who make Chad Vader got to help out with one of them, and confirm that Mike is, indeed, a super swell guy.
 
Is it a lion?

I really need closure on this.
 
It's the Blair Witch
 
...but GIGANTIC!

can we stop talking about Cloverfield I'm not going to be able to see it until next Saturday.
 
MAUS - It's freaking awesome. I had a fantastic time. It's all hand-held shots though, so only sit in the front if you feel like puking.

CAVEMAN/EMILY - I won't give anything away, other than it's been a long time since a movie really made my jaw drop a few times. It's just a blast; certainly something you're going to want to see on the big screen. Abrams is amazing, and his touches are all over this movie.

I love that Chad Vader/Rifftrax clip; Mike and Kevin are great. "How about your totally inexplicable internet success!?!"
 
Oh, one last thing about Cloverfield. If you think the characters are going to be annoying, don't worry. They're not. Seriously; I'd tell you if they were. I was very surprised at how funny the movie was at times.
 
Sounds good! Now all I need are some friends who look 15 years old...
 
...um, what?
 
I take it the movie is PG-15 or something in Britain? :)

I second the motion that Cloverfield is the greatest monster movie ever.

If you would like to see the move with us, please pick a date and time and we will be there.

Celia Zeinert
TheCDP.net, 2008
 
The Missus is right. If anyone wants to arrange a Cloverfield gathering, we will be there.

I'm amazed that a country that shows nudity on prime-time television would make this film 15+.
 
Sweet Georgia Brown...I now ofically do not care about the big game.
 
Worst...superbowl....ever.
 
This is on par with Kentucky-Duke 1992.
 
That was not a fun game to watch. But I have to be honest and say that, at least in this one instance, the better team won. GB's defensive line was for shit, and NY's offense ran rough-shod all over 'em.
 
I only get seriously frustrated when a team loses because they fail to live up to their potential (see GB/Dallas game earlier this year). When something like this happens, and the Giants win playoff games at Tampa Bay, Dallas and Green Bay, you can only be astonished and somewhat respectful.

It was a historic game in almost every sense of the word, and the team that made the most plays won. Al Harris may be a Pro Bowler, but he needs to pull his head out of his ass and stop letting every receiver jump into his head every week. That guy seriously pissed me off some weeks.
 
What the hell happened over there? First we were denied our AFC match-up when the Bolts upset the Colts. I was totally looking forward to a 1996 super bowl re-match. Now what? The Giants?

19-0 here we go
 
BLU - I promise to pull for the Pats this time around.
 
Indeed. This season belongs to New England, now and forever, yo.
 
JT- Sure, but if any A-hole Bandwagoneers invade the bar you have my permission to poo on their parade.

The Patriot players have been nothing but classy this entire season. They've had every reason to be a little cocky and NEVER have. The trash talking big mouths have all been embarrassing faux-fans. I'm sure they have reached epically annoying levels to make up for the fact they just jumped on the wagon.
 
The Patriot players have been nothing but classy this entire season.

Even Randy Moss, which amazes me, since I hated him so much in his Vikings days.
 
Belichick runs a tight ship; he'd bust some heads if they lost their class. They're a cohesive unit, and they know they're not done. It's almost scary how on the same page that team is. If they come out 19-0, I'll have absolutely no problem proclaiming them the greatest team in NFL history, statistically and emotionally.

I gotta say, though. The Giants are not to be messed with. What they've done in the last 10 games is historic in its own right.
 
Hey, when do we get to find out what the heck your top secret super awesome interview was all about?
 
My Top Secret Super Awesome Interview will take place this afternoon at an undisclosed Madison location. Further details will be revealed tomorrow.

On a completely unrelated note, I'll be at the High Noon at around 5pm today if you're interested in having a drink with me. That goes for everyone.
 
As a representative of New England (I live in Maine) I extend our sincerest apologies to the people of Wisconsin. It would have been really interesting playing against the world class Packers, but now we have to play against the pansy-ish Giants. I'm sorry.

(but what do I know? I'm a Bears fan first, and a Pats fan second.)
 
Wow, Maine. Is it true that nobody in Maine says the word 'yet?'
 
Not yet.
 
Myth busted.
 
Mind blown.
 
Pants soiled.
 
Potatoes baked.
 
relatively unchanged
 
Interview over.
 
Nice.
 
Crush totally just stepped on some chick's head, and I loved every minute of it.

Also, psyched to hear about your fab interview. But Crush is a little distracting, so you'll have to excuse where my focus is at the moment....
 
They should have a match that is nothing but gladiators stepping on peoples' heads. Forget that "penalty" bull crap.
 
As far as I'm concerned, she's still undefeated at life.
 
I was lucky enough to run into Jesse and Bessie at my interview tonight. Those two are really, really sweet.
 

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