Wednesday, January 9

Can I Get A Sting* For This One-Joke Post?

The Sting.
(The percussion term 'sting' refers to the drumroll/cymbal combination usually done to accentuate the punchline of a joke. This is often erroneously referred to as a 'rimshot.')

Dear Margo,
I am a 25-year-old man who is married to a beautiful, committed wife. Recently, I was chatting online and met a guy. After a while, we exchanged numbers -- and have talked for more than two hours every night since. Last night, we were talking and laughing together, and after a moment of silence, I said, "God, I love you." I immediately apologized, but he said, "Don't." He said he has been fighting saying it, too.

We are both straight, and we both think homosexuality is a sin. Neither of us knows what is going on. I haven't had any desire to spend time with my wife since this person came into my life. I want to talk only with "Matt." What is going on?
-- Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,
Let us recap: You met a guy online. You've been talking with him on the phone for two hours a night. You told him you loved him; he said he's been having the same thought. The two of you think homosexuality to be a sin. Since you and cyberfriend "met," you have had zero interest in your wife.

These things would not, could not happen to a straight man. You are gay, my friend, though heavily repressed because you think it is sinful. I think you and this other chap are so closeted that you've been hiding from yourselves. Because of your religious convictions, there's probably an element of self-loathing, too, if only on a subconscious level.

Margo is right. 'Dazed and Confused' is indeed a homosexual male. How do I know that?

Is it because he met a guy while chatting online and exchanged numbers with him? Nope.

Is it because in a moment of bliss, he professed his love to this man? Still not there.

Maybe it's because his repressed views on homosexuality have warped him so much that he is just now starting to understand that he needs to be honest with himself and his longtime wife? Not even close.

So, how do I know for sure that 'Dazed and Confused' is gay?

Because he wrote to Margo about it.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Not that this post needs a disclaimer or anything, but it should be quite blatantly brought to light that the joke itself does not come at the expense of homosexuals, but rather the irony expressed at the concept of a straight man questioning his sexuality via the use of an advice column historically made popular by a generally feminine audience.

Have I become so consumed with not offending people, that I honestly feel the need to underline this point so boldly?


Yes I have.

I'd be a terrible stand-up comic.
I'm not going to disagree with you. Stand up is not for the weak of conscience.
My problem is that I'm strong of conscience.

5am? I'm really starting to think that you sleep less than I did when I was in school, which I believed to be impossible until now.
Exactly the problem.

Although this made me laugh out loud, which angered Peeber Anne, who was sleeping on my lap.
We need more Peeber pics!
I'm still pretty sick, so I'll be AWOL for most of the afternoon. My co-workers pretty much took one look at me this morning and told me to get the hell outta there.
Peeber! Peeber! Peeber!
Did you leave work?
Not yet, but soon.

Again, I was pretty much told to leave. I thought it was getting better, but it ain't. It's feeling like the flu now; I have a fever, everything's sore and I can't breathe well.

I'll get over it, but for now, I have to go through the motions to get it outta my system.
I see. Well, go home and sleep then, ya big infant.
That's the first time I've loled all day! Nice one.

But how exacly could a perfectly straight gentleman like you find this information? It's not like you're a 25 year old married to a beautiful, committed wife, is it?

Hey, wait a minute...!!!!
Wait...would the whole situation be less of an issue for the individual writing to Margo for advice if the person he was conversing with at the detriment of his marriage was female? Because I see a serious problem regardless of the gender of the "pen pal". "Emotional infidelity" is so much easier for people to rationalize than a physical affair. The fact that it's another guy just takes to another level of awkward, though. And I'm probably over analyzing it way too much, so I'll go away and try to recover from my root canal. Motrin is my friend.

Go home and rest and stop making your co-workers breath your infected exhalations.
Someone at work asked me if I was 'Dazed & Confused.' I told them that if I were gay, I would have come out years ago. Life is way too short to not sleep with the people you really want to sleep with.

I have to remember that line when I go back to speak at my High School. The kids will love it.

(Personal to Bruce, Tammy, Dallas, Tracy & Tami: Your books will ship out tomorrow!)
I meant to say the opposite of what I said. That's 5am writing for you.
I knew; that's why I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
Emotional infidelity is the worst. It's probably worse than weiner infidelity.
I could literally hear the "bah dum tish" as soon as I read the last line.

Stay classy CDP...
Thanks, Caveman. It was so obvious that I had to form an entire essay around it.

Emotional infidelity is WAY worse. I can handle "I was lonely and just wanted to sleep with someone and that's it" FAR more than "I want to spend my time with someone else." I can forgive casual sex; emotional abandonment is on a completely different level.
i dont get it? who the hell is margo?
She's the new Dear Abby, or something like that. Huge, syndicated advice columnist.
ok, i just wondered if it was a pseudonym you operated under.

although the advice wasn't quite condecending enough i suppose :p

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