Monday, January 7



Note to the folks behind KFC's new marketing campaign for 2008:

Stop using my awesome font in your ads and commercials.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Stop it forever times infinity. I noticed it during your latest commercial and damn near spat macaroni salad upon my Microfiber couch.

You're ruining it for everyone; I don't support your restaurants, nor do I want to appear as if I do. Furthermore, how did you find it? I downloaded it years ago from a free fonts page that wasn't even in English, for Christ's sake. Couldn't you have picked something else?

This font has been the signature style of the CDP for almost two years now, and I'll probably have to change it to put my conscience at ease. Sure, your potatoes, wedges and biscuits are incredible, but that's not the point. You're stealing my mojo, KFC!

Thank you for your time. I'll be happy to hear from your lawyers concerning the matter. I have it on good authority that I can take down both your chain and the entire Yum! Brands conglomerate with the airtight case I've developed.

Okay, maybe not, but I promise you this.

If your ad campaign doesn't change by the end of January, I will personally dig up the corpse of Colonel Sanders and drink your trademark gravy straight out of his dusty, redneck skull.

You're aware of the consequences that your lack of action will take. Good day, gentlemen.

Wow, the second that American Gladiators went off the air last night, my site got about a thousand hits in less than three minutes.

I'm hulking up as we speak.
You would never dig up a corpse, nor drink gravy from a skull.

Just sayin'.
...but I might, and I'm closer to Kentucky.

Don't worry, CDP, I got your back.
Thank you; I'll call in that favor if my demands aren't met.

In the commercials, they even utilize the font the same way that I do, with the layout, style and whatnot. It's super-vain of me, but I don't think there's any way that my site wasn't inspiration for this campaign.

Gladiators continues tonight.
Your sister and I were laughing so hard watching those first two women try to finish the end course. I actually stayed up "late" to watch the whole show. I was very happy the two smart asses in the second round got their butts kicked at the end. Evan kept yelling, "Go Molieman".
I wasn't aware that KFC sold "potatoes" and "wedges". What do "wedges" taste like?? And do you eat their biscuits? I dearly hope they're made with vegetable shortening and not real lard, then...
TAMAZAZZ - It's on again tonight, at its regular time of Monday nights at 7pm central. You won't have to stay up late to watch it anymore.

MAUS - The potato wedges are pretty rad; Ben can eat an entire box by himself. I don't really eat their biscuits.
The competitors were awesome last night. Leg injury, come from behind eliminator win, bloody Bonnie finishing a close second, and... SPIDER MONKEY!

Wolf rocked the house, Titan proved he was the real deal, Militia had to leave and go wax his pubes, Hellga let the tip show (just a little), Fury could have taken on the men, Siren got beat in EVERY match up she was in.

They need a new play-by-play announcer STAT! That guy just plained SUCKED! He was killing me with such great insights such as:

"He's running"

"There he goes"

"He looks tired... yes, he is slower now"

"OOOOHH that was a hit, a big one"

"Did I mention he looks tired, exhausted, tiring... wow"

Also, was I the only one who hit mute when Venus was talking?
Er, when Venus was screeching, you mean? :)
I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that it was some/ form of communication.
Yeah, the 'announcing' is clearly scripted and done in post-production, which is probably the most annoying part of the show for me. Announce it live!

Also, the scripted comments from the Gladiators are one thing, but scripted comments from the contestants is ridiculous. The only thing that isn't scripted on this show is the competition, which is barely real as is.

Give me some spontaneous action, NBC! I love your show, just listen to the fans!

Justice is a freaking monster.

Titan is as self-indulgent and annoying as I figured he'd be.

Hellga was only featured once.

Fury did damn near everything.

Mayhem stunk up the joint.

Wolf and Crush were perfect.
"You're letting the tip show" just might be the "I can see your butthole" of 2008.
I didn't think about that comment going any further, but now that you mention it the potential has no limit.

Also, the scripted comments from the Gladiators are one thing, but scripted comments from the contestants is ridiculous.

Like when Bonnie (she should have won) pointed out here family:

"They're right over there"
Right. That has to stop. Post-production announcing has absolutely no emotion whatsoever, virtually killing the mood of whatever you happen to be calling.
So the commentating is dubbed in post? Urgh. That's the equivalent of a laugh track.
Again, all I have to say is "The shots of Justice!"
MAUS - I'd almost guarantee it.

I was convinced during the first Eliminator run when the announcer said something along the lines of, "And this looks like an easy victory for...oh, she slipped!"

The way it was delivered instantly ran my BS alarm, and I knew that these lines were delivered after the tape had already been viewed. Almost no doubt about it whatsoever.

EMILY - I look forward to an almost unlimited supply of Justice puns in the upcoming weeks.
On an unrelated note, peas steamed in the pod are incredibly incredibly delicious. I had them in my mixed vegetables at lunch, and they absolutely blew the cauliflower out of the water.



And do you eat their biscuits? I dearly hope they're made with vegetable shortening and not real lard, then...

Per KFC's website, here are the ingredients: Enriched Flour Bleached (Wheat Flour, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrite, Riboflavin, Folic Acid).
Water, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and Cottonseed Oil, Leavening (Baking Soda, Sodium Aluminum
Phosphate, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate), Dried Cultured Low Fat Buttermilk (Nonfat Milk, Whey Protein
Concentrate, Whey, Cream, Dairy Cultures), Sugar, Salt, Sodium Caseinate, Datem, Wheat Protein Isolate,
Natural Flavor, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Salt, Soy Lecithin, Natural & Artificial Flavor, Beta
Carotene (color), TBHQ and Citric Acid Added to Protect Flavor, Dimethylpolysiloxane, an Anti-Foaming
Agent Added. Contains Milk, Soy and Wheat.
So chow down, vegetarians! W00t.
Yeppers! In OTHER unrelated news...HELLLLLLGA is actually quite attractive.
There are WAY too many ingredients there. But yet no Polysorbate 80?

Totally unrelated, but I learned last night that some dairys use enzymes from a calf's stomach to curdle milk when processing some types of cheese. Sounds appetizing, doesn't it? Of course if you think about what cheese really is it's kind of gross anyway.
Same with yogurt. Gaah.

Hellga is just fine by me.
Large, muscular European ladies always get 5* in my book!

Wait, what!?
Hmm...wait...thinking about it, they use an acid to curdle the milk and seperate the curd from the whey and an enzyme to congeal and set the curd. Science is delicious.

Why is it every time I see Hellga I think of the "Legend of Zelda" commercial where the kid is shouting "Zelllllldaaaaa"?? Am I that old, already? And why the double l?
MAUS - Yeah, the double 'L' is unnecessary; she's not from the Seventh Circle or anything. She's just Nordic.

I should create a t-shirt that says 'Science Is Delicious!' with a picture of someone smoking meth.

CARROT - If I had to boil my tastes in women down to just two types, they would have to be:

1. Punks.
2. Vikings.
I could really go for some chicken, some mashed potatoes with a little skull gravy.

Damn you CDP/KFC! Now I have to go outside today. I bet you're proud of your self!
Skull Gravy is made with 11 herbs and spices. It would also make for a great band name.

I'm currently halfway through a pound and a half of cantaloupe. That's my breakfast and lunch today.
Maus, stick to vegan cheese. Its healthier for you, and much less vomit-inducing when you think about it. Its a bunch of various molds, soy protien, and whatever they put in velveeta.
After sitting down to read a nice CDP essay, I like to enjoy a big bucket 'o' hot wings.

Thanks CDP.

Honey Dew

That's the money melon.
I like how my current hate for KFC after they ripped off my style has convinced a lot of people to eat at one of their establishments tonight.

I honestly find that hilarious, because that's not what I thought would happen, and the unexpected is usually always funny in some capacity.
Nice Simpsons quote, Blu. It shan't go unnoticed!
The unexpected is always funny. Like Eddie Murphy in a fat suit or any scene from Girlfriends.
You can't stop the desire for fried chicken, you can only hope to contain it. By simply mentioning KFC you make me think to myself: "I haven't had fried chicken in ages, I must change that ASAP". I don't care what typeface they steal...fried chicken is good.

Should you ever be in the LA area you must try Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Vegetarianism be damned, a chicken and a waffle go together like American Gladiators and me turning off the TV.
WILL- Snoop Dogg always talks about Roscoes on his show.
If Snoop says it's OK then it has to be. For example gin, juice, chronic.
Cargirl...vegan cheese? I'm not sure, but doesn't it almost defeat the purpose of calling it "cheese". It's "imitation cheese-product" at that point, isn't it? And the idea of how cheese is made is gross, but to me it's no different than the idea of drinking milk or eating an egg - what they are and where they come from. And it'd be hard to avoid things like milk and eggs, in my family. In fact, I'm eating and turkey sandwich and cheesecake right now, so I'm eating a lot of things I'd rather not ponder too long or too often. I just know it tastes good. Just like chicken and waffles.
CARGRILL - It's gotten to the point where Eddie Murphy's terrible career has lasted longer than his brilliant career.

It was the same feeling of sad realization I had when I remembered that my parents have now been divorced longer than they were married. Surreal.

WILL.I.AM - I got bitches in the living room, gettin' it awn, and they ain't leavin' 'till...

(somebody help a brother out, here)
Six in the mornin'...

Wow. The wayback machine took us straight to Longbeach & Compton.
But for what? We don't love them hoes.
If I've said it once, I've said it 182 times...

"Snoop Dogg can bring white males in their twenties together quicker than you can say, 'Bring your green hat!'".
Buh-duhm, chhh!
MAN! so sad to see Big Country lose last night. The travelator takes another one down. At least he left the secret to three events in his passing. If the other competitors follow his advice, they will be all right.

Here's what I learned last night:

GAUNTLET - Run like you just stole something.

THE WALL - Climb like your Mama is chasing you with a belt.

EARTHQUAKE - Just like hog wrestling at the fair.

Hopefully others can build from the great foundation laid down last night.
Big Country was my favorite contestant so far; I suppose Adonis is okay, though. I'm hoping to see someone in the next couple weeks I can really cheer on. Like a Wesley 'Two Scoops' Berry for 2008 (AG Grand Champion; there's a YouTube clip of him running the Gauntlet in 5 seconds).

I'm sort of bedridden today with a nasty cold and a slew of other things that other people might catch if they're close to me. Forgive my patchy appearances.
Put some gravy on it. You'll feel better.
CDP--didja get my note?
CDP - Do you think it's possible to catch colds via blogs? Because I think you gave me yours. Jerk.
BLU - Some 'Tussin will be better.

HATHERY - If you're talking about the note you left in the kitchen, it's a big 10-4, good buddy.

EMILY - (sniff), sorry about that. I only get about 2 colds a year; this one struck a little earlier than normal.
NOTE TO SELF: Buy Nicole Atkins' new album. Just saw her on Conan; she's going to absolutely BLOW UP. Mark my words.
Nothing beats hot chocolate fudge...

...wait, what are we talking about again?
HATHERY - If you're talking about the note you left in the kitchen, it's a big 10-4, good buddy.

Are you going to drop it off?

Nothing beats hot chocolate fudge...

Has anyone tried the hot chocolate flavored Hershey's kisses? I generally believe that Hershey's chocolate is inferior in most ways, but those kisses are the bomb-diggity, yo.
HATHERY - I'm on it.
CDP - Nicole Atkins will be at Cafe Montmartre on Feb. 23.
Wow, I just bought two tickets. Seriously, this woman is about to blow up on a national scale. What a great time to see her while she's still playing small venues and bookstores.

I missed the chance to see Feist at the High Noon last year, and I'm not letting another breakout star pass me by.
Who the frick is she?
You'll know soon enough! You're going to the show with me!
I missed Conan last night because I had to get up early for stupid work. What's she like?

On another note I did get to check out AG08 last night, and I gotta say I've got a crush on Crush (bah dum tish) and her mad giant q-tip skillz.
We all live in Crush's world now. I get hundreds of hits every day from people searching for more information on her. Just YouTube some of her MMA fights, and you'll be set.

YouTube Nicole Atkins, specifically 'Maybe Tonight' or 'The Way It Is.' Spot-on singer/songwriter stuff. Makes you pause and go, 'Holy crap, this is really good.'
Definitely heard of Nicole Atkins before. Love it. Neptune City is her newest CD, and it's pretty rad.

Damn you Madisonians and big live performance scene! I have to drive at least 40 minutes to get to any venue that doesn't only book really bad Fall Out Boy replicas and Slayer-esque fools. And stand-up in the suburbs? Don't even think about it.
Just took a trip to YouTube and found it hard to pry myself away to write this.

Between watching the amazingly beautiful Crush kick the crap out of people, and Nicole Atkins' sultry voice belt beautiful and meaningful lyrics I'm in love.

Now if I could have Crush beat me senseless while having Nicole Atkins sing about it.
CARGIRL - Oh man, do I understand your pain. Just noticed which suburb you call home, and I have one word for you: Geneva. As in, I had to spend a few of my formative years in that particular 'burb, and the live music offerings were just as lame. Keep yer chin up! A couple more years and you too can explore the wide world...of Madison, WI. ;)
CARGIRL - I fully understand. I used to live 1 in an unincorporated town that was 1 hour from Green Bay 90 minutes from Madison, 2 hours from Milwaukee and 3.5 hours from Chicago.

CAVEMAN - No kidding. Crush and Nicole are my two new obsessions. I'm looking forward to this show; tickets were only $8. 21 and over only, though.

EMILY - I'm never moving. Ever.

Post a Comment

<< Home