Friday, February 15

Eat Me, Cake.

Grape Death Flavor.

A couple of weeks ago, I picked up Cake's 'B-Sides & Rarities' disk. Cake has been one of my favorite bands for over a decade now, and I wasn't about to let a collection of cover songs and throwaways slip my grasp, regardless of their previous mediocre album. One trip to Best Buy and $10 later, it was mine.

When I got home, I began tearing the CD out of the plastic as the Missus began to prepare dinner directly behind me in the kitchen. As I opened the jewel case, I was instantly hit with an almost indescribably putrid stench. It was as if a tractor tire decided to have sex with a jar of grape jam while a rouge turd worked them both over with a blowtorch and fine oils. It was hellish.

Not thinking for a second that this scent had wafted out of a compact disk case, I quickly turned around to see what the Missus was up to, and find a kind way to opt out of tonight's dinner plans.

"What...in the hell...are you cooking?"

"Nothing yet, why?"

As soon as the last syllable of the last word escaped her mouth, the molten rubber/jam jar/turd gangbang parade reached the inside of her nostrils. She recoiled, as we both stood there for a fraction of a second, completely dumbfounded and unsure of what was going on. It was only a matter of time before the accusations started to fling over which one of us had crapped in their respective pants.

Having never experienced such an unholy reaction to opening an album (with the exception of anything recorded by Something Corporate), we both cocked our heads and slowly wandered over to the open jewel case, as if it were a bomb ready to spew further noxious gas forth. I pressed my nose to the liner notes and inhaled deeply.

Have you ever been blasted with pepper spray? Well, I have, and this was as close as I wanted to get again. I immediately stopped breathing, my eyes began to water and my mouth dropped open. I was one-hundred percent immobilized; women seriously need to start carrying copies of this album around with them for protection. What in the hell was going on?

It was as if we were watching an alien being hatch from a giant egg on our breakfast bar. "This can't be happening!" I yelled. "What IS it!?!" screamed the Missus, hands pressed against her face. I didn't know at the time what had turned 'B-Sides & Rarities' into a virtual Pandora's Box of ass matter and anguish, but I also knew that it wasn't allowed to stay in the house any longer.

I grabbed a pair of tongs and threw the entire contents of the jewel case into the freezing cold garage. Whatever the problem was, it could work itself out there while me and the Missus began the slow and painful healing process back inside the house. She hit the computer and I reached for the Clorox 'kitchen cleansers.'

A few minutes later, we had determined through Wikipedia that the 'B-Sides & Rarities' album boasted a grape-flavored 'scratch-and-sniff' booklet (one of five different flavors). It is my assumption that the fine folks in Cake didn't exactly 'sample the wears' before these bad boys hit the assembly line, nor could accurately judge what the booklet would smell like after several weeks encased in shrink-wrapped plastic. No band that enjoys making money and pleasing fans could have been a part of something so heinous and wrong. Had I been driving a car when I opened that album, you'd probably be reading my obituary right now.

Still, two weeks after the incident, the case, booklet and disk continue to sit in the garage, atop a case of bottled water. Every day, I come home and give them a passing sniff to see if they had learned their lesson, and each day they continue to fail miserably. I refuse to have this...thing...touch anything inside my house or vehicle until every last microfiber of stink has been frozen out of it. I don't even care if the disk itself eventually shatters like a stick of baseball card chewing gum; it's not welcome in Headquarters until it resembles the normal and respected CD I thought I had purchased.

Each night, I wake up in a cold sweat imagining that it somehow made its way into the house, tainting my music collection, computer and office with its own original brand of Sacramento-based, grape-flavored nightmare fuel. If my iMac smelled like this album, you can bet your ass I'd be dragging it to the curb come garbage day.

Why, Cake? Why?




Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

Comments:
Wow. That's terrible. Having worked in the printing industry, I can also tell you that the press operators who printed that thing must also hate Cake.

Scented inks have a way of lingering and getting into every fiber of your being.

Blech.
 
So was the scent grape or rotten grape?

Well, you know what they say -- Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell.
 
JT - Correct. The stench was extremely dense and intrusive; like the 'B.O.' episode of Seinfeld. I was considering washing all infected areas with tomato juice.

HOSS - The scent was supposed to be grape, but it ended up as I described it; a horrorshow.

I still would like a girl with a short skirt and long jacket, however. One to share my rock & roll lifestyle with.
 
And I would like breasts that bounce on my Italian leather sofa.
 
Oh, man. That's horrible. You don't like Pressure Chief?

And the grape-smell thing sounds bad, too.

Had you bought B-Sides from iTunes you could have avoided the stench and gotten a super fantastic groove-heavy trumpet-solo live version of It's Not Love. Better deal, I think.

But you know, without my tight little denim, my virtues would all go unknown.
 
I can't even imagine what the other ones must have smelled like...the other choices were like grass, leather, and something else...

Foul. Just Foul.
 
Like grass? I had a barrel full of rotten grass this fall I had to deal with. It smelled just like my dad's cattle yard -- only stronger.

Of course, maybe they didn't mean that kind of grass . . .

Because, you know, he's going the distance. He's going for speed. He's all alone in her time of need.
 
Pressure Chief is okay, but it wasn't up to par with Comfort Eagle. I couldn't buy it on iTunes, because I appreciate how CAKE always makes their album covers uniformly identical, and I didn't want to foul up my collection with a burned disk.

I should just go back to collecting stamps in a room all filled with Chinese lamps.
 
Here are the repugnant scent variations, each one worse than the one before: ( red/fresh cut roses, yellow/banana, brown/leather, green/fresh cut grass and purple/grape
 
Take the time, get to know the stench.
 
That's the problem. It doesn't smell like grape, it smells like purple. Completely different and unacceptable.

(shudder)
 
If you would have bought that CD anywhere else but Best Buy, I'd say take it back and say, "This CD literally stinks" and they would let you exchange it.

But it's Best Buy, so you will probably get just a blank stare, and maybe they will have drool coming out of their mouth. Or maybe not -- maybe they have changed. I've stopped shopping there long ago.
 
It may just be me, but wouldn't the smell of cake (the food) be more suitable for a album by Cake (the band).
 
Yeah, that's what I don't get. What do any of those smells have to do with the album? Scenting it with Old Spice and having Bruce Campbell jump out of it when opened would have made less no sense (and would have been far cooler).

Also, this phrase made me laugh aloud: "A virtual Pandora's Box of ass matter and anguish." Well done!
 
HOSS - They'd offer me a free subscription to US Weekly and comment loudly on my purchases.

CAVEMAN - That's a stroke of logic the fine folks in CAKE seemed to overlook. You'd think they'd made natural allies.
 
EMILY - Maybe I should soak it in cologne myself. That will either take care of the problem, or magnify the issue by a bazillion percent. I'm honestly too scared to find out.

Thanks for the compliment. I like writing funny sentences to describe anger without using heavy profanity; the payoff is high.
 
No other electronics store gives us gift certificates like Best Buy does, so they have our business.
 
That's true their Reward Zone program is pretty fantastic, even if I never use them before expiration.
 
That's true their Reward Zone program is pretty fantastic, even if I never use them before expiration.

Ditto.

Also, I received Ben's mix in the mail today, looking forward to listening to it.
 
Bruce should have gotten my Hedgehog Love Mix by now, but no word!! Must have disappointed :(
 
On the contrary! Over half have become part of my "regular rotation" playlist. Although now I"m a little concerned because I've yet to hear back from Heather in San Fran regarding my ... uhm ... eclectic mix.

I'm compiling a song-by song feedback this weekend for ya. I figured if you took the time to make it, I can take the time to properly comment on it. Right?

It was kinda weird, though. I noticed that everytime I began listening to the mix, hedgehogs began following me around everywhere I went.

Which is still better than the cast of Wild Hogs following me around everywhere ...
 
I'm disappointed. "The CDP vs. CAKE" anticipating a photo montage of you wrestling a giant cake for the affections of the Missus.
 
Well Morgan, I was going to seriously design something like that last night (me screaming at a piece of cake or something), but I got...er...sidetracked.
 
I'm hoping my mix is trying to make its way across the pond as we speak. I didn't have any hopes of getting it from Duff before VDay.

I'm hoping that I get some feedback from Julia on mine. I took the theme in a whole other direction and I would like to know what she thought.
 
I'm going to try to give my received mixes as much attention as possible on the CDP. I might not be able to give them all a track-by-track review like last time, but I can share the track listing and some thoughts about every mix sent my way. It's the least I can do for everyone that made Mix-Tape Trade #2 twice as successful as the first one.

For those wondering, Mix-Tape Trade #3 will probably take place sometime before Summer 2008. I already have a theme picked out, but it's a secret until further notice.
 
Yay! Bruce liked the mix!! If you get a chance, scoop up some of those hedgies and send them my way, though...I neglected to think of the consequences of having rogue hedgehogs following you everywhere. Very dangerous for them in this weather.
 
Cake always gets me sidetracked.
 
Really dug the mix. Brought it to work and put it on my iTunes here also, which gets shared throughout the office via our network. So others are experiencing the Hedgie Love Mix, too.

Now is your hedgehog male or female? I've seen a few potential suitors amongst the ones stalking me, now.
 
Sorry Mike. For the next trade I'll make sure I mail it even earlier than I did this time (2 days before deadline). Air-Mail sucks.

I'm also yet to recieve my mix, but no worrys. I've barely had any time to come on the computer in the last few days. I'm only on now to watch Lost.

/obsessed
 
Oh no, my hedgie mix is an office-wide phenomenon!

Laika is a fancy, full-figured female. She love mealworms, huffing loudly at the CDP, and pooping on strangers.
 
I online-ordered a sub sandwich for lunch today, and they royally screwed it up. Instead of extra cheese and no onions, I got no cheese and extra onions. It was basically 16 inches of lettuce and onions; my stomach is on fire.

Yes...I ate the whole thing. And a chocolate chip cookie. I was hungry, and I don't like to send things back. Furthermore, it's not like I could send the sandwich back to the Internet or anything.
 
Mrs Hoss just emailed me with great news -- Duff's mix to me made it across the pond! I can't want to listen to it!

CDP -- if you would eat meat, they would have gotten your order right. But just onions? ugh.
 
Of if you would have packed a lunch from home instead of ordering out, it definitely would have been right.
 
Well Morgan, I was going to seriously design something like that last night (me screaming at a piece of cake or something), but I got...er...sidetracked.



Can I get an aaaawwwwee yeeeeaahh!
 
I was wondering why that was sitting in your garage.

Such an odd place for a CD to be.
 
HOSS - Perhaps. I order picky sub sandwiches; no guac, no tomatoes, no sprouts, lettuce, extra cheese, extra mayo, light on the onions, untoasted garlic herb bread with a large soda and a chocolate chip cookie on the side. Is that so hard to remember? Damn.

HATHERY - Correct. I should have just eaten my assorted melons in peace. They will have to wait until Monday.

BENJAMIN - Now you know. Good thing you didn't decide to pick it up or touch it or anything; you would have had to go into quarantine.

BLU - Happy Valentine's Day to me.
 
Damn...Blu beat me to it.

Well Morgan, I was going to seriously design something like that last night (me screaming at a piece of cake or something), but I got...er...sidetracked.

Anyway, I'm glad SOMEONE got...sidetracked last night.

Tonight should be better. I have 40 ounces of malt liqour chilling in the fridge as we speak.

No, I'm not kidding.
 
Sidetracking went to Wisconsin and Maryland. It will soon go to Clemson.
 
NO GUAC?!? Did we, or did we not, establish at Ruby Tuesday that you like guacamole?
 
I've never drank a 40, which means I'm either very hip or very unhip. Remind me to pick a couple up this weekend.

Sidetracking always beats out Duke in the AP wire.
 
That's true, guac ain't all that bad.
 
Guac is a culinary delight.
 
Up here we have no Subs, they're called Italians or Italian Sandwiches.
They were "invented" by some crazy Pizza shop owner.

The standard usually consists of ham, cheese, onions, green peppers, olives, pickles, and mayo or oil. I usually go simple with just ham, cheese, and mayo.
 
What would heathen pickles be doing in a contraption with oil and olives? Blech!
 
I RECEIVED MIX-TAPES TODAY FROM BLUSTACON, MORGAN DEMPSEY AND DANIELLA MARIA. THANK YOU SO MUCH; I'LL TAKE THE TIME TO LISTEN TO EVERYTHING AND PUT THE TRACK LISTINGS ON THE CDP IN THE UPCOMING WEEKS. THANKS AGAIN!
 
This comment has been removed by the author.
 
Wow.

Sherry, I just want to say your mix is brilliant. I was just sorting out my hundreds of Valentines cards (lol), when I noticed it. Really good stuff, and cheers for the note.

I'd also like to apologise to Mike, over my clearly very poor CD design, and lack of track listings. I didn't realise how much effort was being put into my CD, and feel rather stupid thinking of my blank case. I can only hope you enjoy my fairly interpretation dodgy love music.
 
Oh yeah, us mix-tape traders don't screw around. I'm sure yours is fantastic, regardless.
 
Oh Cake. Poor, poor decision.

HOSS - I got your mix today. I'm sure it probably came earlier, but sometimes I have to work out of Oshkosh, and I got stranded there yesterday because they had 11" of freaking snow. Winter is seriously being not cool to Wisconsin and I am not happy about it.

I haven't listened to it yet, but I did take a look at the track list. I very much look forward to listening to it later this evening.

CDP - I don't yet, but I will have a copy for you sometime this weekend.
 
CDP - You're in for something special with Julia's mix. I got it this morning and enjoyed every second of it. Thanks Julia!
 
Duff -- not only that, but the case busted in the mail. Not your fault, but the irony kills me. But I liked the CD but a track listing would be nice. :)

Julia -- I hope you like it. I did a re-envisioning of the theme and I hope it worked out. Let me know what you think via post or email.
 
Mike - Your Inbox must be full or something, because the e-mail refused to send properly.

Yeah, the track listings thing was kind of a newbie mistake. I just assumed the songs would go over in their full-glory. Obviously not!

1) Can't Stand Me Now - The Libertines
2) Naive - Kooks
3) Through Glass - Stone Sour
4) Fuck Her Gently - Tenacious D
5) Lonely Day - System of a Down
6) Tears Don't Fall - Bullet for My Valentine*
7) Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
8) Parachutes - Coldplay
9) Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros
10) Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
11) Sir Psycho Sexy - Red Hot Chili Peppers
12) Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix
13) True Love Waits (Live) - Radiohead
14) A Certain Romance - Arctic Monkeys

*Lol

Constructive critisism is welcomed with open arms!
 
I RECEIVED MIX-TAPES TODAY FROM MOE GREENE. KATE CARILLO & HEATHER. THANK YOU SO MUCH; AS MENTIONED BEFORE, I WILL GIVE EACH AND EVERY RECEIVED MIX AMPLE TIME ON THE CDP IN THE UPCOMING WEEKS!
 
Carrot Duff gets extra points for Tenacious D usage.
 
Carrot Duff's track listing is totally eclectic and awesome. Kooks, yay!
 
Yep, Duff did well with the tracks.

Cuz nothin' says lovin' more than Jack Black!
 
Cuz' that's F*&$in' team wo-ork!
 
So I was just outside shoveling in our current blizzard, and it involved scooping up over an inch of slush and pushing around a lot of water, too. This winter can officially go fuck itself.
 
ZANZIBAR!
 
Emily....can this winter f*** itself gently?

Sorry, just trying to tie both conversations together somehow. I'm sorry you're so bummed out, but pleased that someone feels about as fed up as I do.
 
CDP - Yeah, sorry about the random outburst. Winter is definitely balling us, but not so discreetly.
 
You know why guys? It's like the end of the song, where you know...

I'm gonna f*** you haaaaa aaaaa aaaaard
 

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