Monday, February 25Lost Monday - "Eggtown."
Last weekend, I finally got around to watching The King Of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. It's a brilliantly engaging documentary that follows one common man's journey to set a world record score for the arcade game Donkey Kong, while trying to avoid some of the controversial roadblocks and petty nerds that attempt to protect their tyrannical leader and current record holder, Billy Mitchell. I thought it was fantastic (although slightly misleading), and it inspired me to look at some of the classic arcade games in my collection with more of a competitive spirit.
In a move that can be described as both 'career damaging' and 'unbelievably retarded on all counts,' I have permanently installed a Pac-Man arcade game in my office at CDP Headquarters. I did this to boost creativity, keep morale high and...
Okay, none of that is true. I just wanted yet another diversion from having to actually be funny for another week. Just a few hours into the Great Experiment, and Pac-Man seriously needs to go. I've already played over 15 games, and I keep looking back at it with the longing gaze of an airport goodbye*. This was a terrible idea.
*(If you're looking for a good name for your Emo band, I suggest 'Airport Goodbye.' Go ahead, you can have it.)
("I have freckles, Herpies. Wait, I mean I have herpies, Freckles.")
Alas, I must trudge forward and deconstruct Thursday's episode of Lost. Historically speaking, Kate-centric episodes are almost always boring and without merit (she's had 8 of them). Her flashback, 'killer on the run' storyline was always sort of weak and lacking the mythology and complicated twists that we've come to expect with Lost, and it's wonderful to see that we'll probably never get another Kate flashback episode again.
With Season 4 rocking the flash-forwards like Steve Kerr rocking the 3-point line (Hooray for completely out-of-date references!), we got a fresh Kate story, the end of her Fugitive-esque subplot, and an off-island mystery that will gladly replace any mysteries that concerned Kate's time as a wanted woman. The twist-ending was good enough, but it wasn't nearly as pants-pissingly devastating as Sayid's revelation last week. Also, had you been paying attention, you would have seen it coming from a mile away.
Close your eyes, breathe deeply and bite down on something. It's time for the Thick & Meaty!
ON THE ISLAND.
I have to admit that the beginning of this episode excited the hell out of me, and it was for a completely incorrect reason. Going into 'Eggtown,' I knew two things:
1. It was a Kate-centric flash-forward.
2. We would find out who the 'he' was that Kate was referring to at the end of Season 3. According to interviews, this 'he' allowed Kate to get herself together and keep her on the straight and narrow.
So when this episode started, and I saw Locke preparing breakfast for someone in a kitchen, I immediately thought it was a flash-forward sequence, and Locke was the 'he' that Kate was referring to. When he began to descend the basement steps, I got positively giddy, actually thinking that Locke was pulling a Buffalo Bill with Kate off of the island, tying her up in the basement and making her put the lotion on the skin and so forth.
Yes, I really thought this was happening for a few seconds. However, wouldn't it have been awesome?
(Wow, the turtleneck really hides that Adam's Apple, Kate!)
Well, whatever. As it turned out, he was just keeping tabs on Ben, who was patiently biding his time until Locke whizzed the plan down his pant leg and allowed him to escape again.
On the beach, Jin and Sun are discussing plans after their rescue. Jin decides to pursue a career in Mixed-Martial Arts, while Sun decides to move to Madison, Wisconsin, where she can start a brief-yet-passionate affair with popular author, blogger and humorist, Ryan J. Zeinert.
Damn, I'm going to have to turn my office into a nursery. How will I play Pac-Man now? She's not even here yet, and she's already a hassle. Sun, you're smothering me. We have to talk.
("...and we'll live forever in his studio apartment with the cats. It'll be bliss!")
Back at Other Village, Kate tricks Hurley into telling her where Miles is located. This is also known as 'Ham Blackmail.'
Yeah, I've got thousands of them, and I'm not stopping.
Kate and Miles have a chat in the boathouse, with Kate demanding to know what he knows about her. Miles won't talk until he gets a minute alone with Benjamin.
And an Al Green CD.
And some flower petals.
And a copy of Titanic.
And a succulent pot roast.
Seems like they have quite the night planned. We'll check on them later on in the show and see how they're coming along.
("I'll tell you where Miles is, but then you have to let me eat your head in drawn butter.")
Kate then goes back to Claire and drops a plot point the size of Harold Perrineau's ego when she states that she would make a bad mother, and that Claire is a wonderful protector for Aaron.
She then mysteriously adds, ".....for now."
And then Claire goes, "What?"
And Kate goes, "Nothing."
And then Claire goes, "I thought you said something."
And Kate goes, "Well, I didn't."
And Claire goes, "I see."
And Kate goes, "I'm Aaron's future-Mom."
And then Claire kisses her passionately on the ear.
Then I wake up in my bedroom, vowing to never again drink two quarts of Tang before bed.
Kate shows up at Sawyer's home, asking him if she'll help her break out Ben for a minute so he can chat with Miles. She takes a sip of Dharma Wine and instantly offers sex to Sawyer, leading everyone on the face of planet Earth to proclaim, "Why don't they carry that wine in my neighborhood?"
'Dharma Box Wine: Causing Pregnancy Scares Since World War II.'
("Boy, I'd sure like to blow an Asian guy's face clean off today.")
Miles and Ben get their alone-time, where we see Miles attempting to blackmail him for 3.2 million dollars. Miles is there to take him into custody, as he's clearly done something reprehensibly evil (apart from all of that 'Dharma genocide' stuff), but will pretend he didn't find him in exchange for the extremely specific amount of cash. Ben gets a week to make the cash appear, and Miles spills the beans on Kate, indeed knowing all about her redneck past.
Locke has a chat with Kate, where he banishes her from the barracks for making him look like an incompetent ass. Kate flees to Sawyer's place, where they have almost-sex.
This leads us into today's Question Of The Week!
"Why Didn't Kate Want To Have Sex With Sawyer?"
A. She's still shaking off the multitude of diseases from the last time they had sex.
B. Hurley had his ear to the door, and that's about as creepy as it should ever get.
C. The Price Is Right was on.
D. Sawyer hasn't showered since two days after Ana Lucia died.
E. The Asteroids machine in the Rec Room was calling her name.
Of course, the correct answer is "Because crabs can jump." Either way, these are all slightly more appealing than the real reason why.
Thanks for playing Question Of The Week, let's move along, shall we?
On the beach, Daniel and Charlotte are conducting memory experiments on each other, where it is concluded that Daniel has the attention span and cognitive capabilities of a drunk pony.
Jack shows up and stomps his feet until they contact the emergency line on the freighter, where we find out that the helicopter didn't yet make it to the boat. That can't possibly be good; they're either dead in the water, in another dimension entirely, or Frank and Desmond are keeping the helicopter running by refueling it with their alcohol-rich urine. What seems the most likely?
Think about it before you say it's a stupid joke. Think about it.
("Hey bailiff, we're wearing the same khakis. High five.")
In the boathouse, Locke shows up with the intensity and anger of a man who has been screwed over for the brazillionth goddamn time. He throws a live grenade into Miles' mouth and leaves him there, unable to open his mouth or move, for fear of instant (and awesome) decapitation.I loved this scene; it was awesome. Furthermore, in terms of storyline, they never went back to the boathouse for conflict resolution. The writers of the episode want us to assume that until they say otherwise, he's still sitting in there with a live grenade in his mouth, and that is absolutely beautiful and completely bad-ass.
In fact, that was so awesome, I can only think of five things that are comparably awesome. Make with the list!
5 Awesome Things.....You Can Do With A Grenade.
1. Instant snow removal from any Madison rooftop or city block.
2. Conveniently dispatch an unwanted Labrador retriever. Don't 'awww' me, that was funny!
3. Toss it into a Panic At The Disco concert. That'll give them something to cry about.
4. End the Bush administration a few months early.
5. Toss it into a Saves The Day concert. That'll give me something to cry about.
Kate and Sawyer wake up together, where Sawyer makes the mistake of celebrating Kate's non-pregnancy. This not only guarantees that Sawyer will never sleep with Kate again, but she tells him that she's going back to the beach with Jack. Smooth move, con man.
Kate eventually has to stand trial for the murder of her father, along with the slew of charges she racked up whilst on the run. Oceanic 6 or otherwise, justice will be served!
Kate's lawyer wants to create sympathy for her, so he asks to let 'her son' take the stand. Kate refuses, as she doesn't want to involve him and he's not really her son. The lawyer reminds Kate that we're not supposed to know that until the end of the episode, and Kate apologizes for her forthright nature.
We then go to a commercial break.
As the trial continues, we see a pre-insane Jack Shepard take the stand in defense of Kate. He goes on to tell the story of Flight 815 as was presented falsely to the world, explaining that 8 people survived the crash and Kate saved everyone's lives. He then claims, when grilled, that he no longer loves Kate.
("We should try for a plea bargain; you somehow killed eight people on your way in today.")
Kate's mother decides not to take the stand against her, instead simply wanting to see her grandchild. Kate says no, and her mother instantly dies of cancer. Because of this, they plea-bargain to keep Kate out of jail, which works, as she has a son. Did they mention that she has a son? Well, if you didn't know, Kate has a son now.
Lost normally springs surprises on you quite intelligently, but this plot twist was telegraphed from the moon. How was anyone surprised by this? Alas, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Jack meets up with Kate before she exits the court, and they talk about the story he told on the witness stand. She invites him to see her faux-son, to which he refuses. I'm assuming this is because he's a tad weirded-out, as Aaron is his nephew.
("Hmmm, I wonder what a grenade tastes like. Wow, what a weird thought. Oh well, doot-doo-doo, la-la-laa.")
When Kate arrives home, we finally get a look at Kate's son. She calls him Aaron, people who weren't paying any attention gasp and flail, smash-cut, episode over.
This was, without exception, one of the best Kate-centric episodes ever. Even though the ending was a bit laid-out, it does offer many theories as to why it came to be, which is far more important in the grand scheme of things.
The journey is the reward, bitches! Let's Break It Down!
4 - Kate has Aaron. This happened because of one of three possible outcomes. They are:
A) Claire dies somehow, and Kate assumes role of Aaron's mother.
B) Claire had to give up Aaron so he could be rescued, and she's forced to stay on the island.
C) Aaron was kidnapped from Claire by Kate, and taken off the island with a new mommy.
As of right now, they're all possible theories. Logically, I would think that Claire was killed in a rescue attempt, but time will tell. Perhaps it's due to me really, really wanting to see Claire die.
8 - This episode took place on Christmas Day and December 26 of 2004. No mention of that? Wow. The only gifts exchanged during the episode was a grenade in Miles' mouth and Kate's gift of not giving Sawyer another STD.
("Hey, come back! I thought you liked it when I pretended you were 12! Hey!")
15 - If Kate is on probation for 10 years, it would seem fitting that she could not accompany Jack on his dumb-ass expedition back to Lost Island. Never mind that he's a dumb-ass or anything; she's just playing by the rules for her dumb-ass son. What a bunch of dumb-asses.
16 - Aaron is not one of the Oceanic 6. Why? Well, he didn't have a seat on the plane, for one. Really, he's not one of the 6. Neither is Desmond, Juliet, Ben, or anyone else that wasn't on the manifest. Michael and Walt? Well, only time will tell with those two.
23 - When Locke throws the plate of food at the concrete wall after his conversation with Benjamin, the 'concrete' wall actually shakes. You can't win 'em all, continuity department.
42 - I find it amazing that Kate looks more attractive on the island than in her glammed-up flash-forwards. She's a weird-looking woman.
Hide the kids! Spoilers ahoy! There's a Donkey Kong Kill Screen coming up if anyone's interested! It's The Preview!
2. The official press release from ABC reads: "Sayid and Desmond hit a bit of turbulence on the way to the freighter, which causes Desmond to experience some unexpected side effects."
I don't know about you, but I fully expect to see 48 straight minutes of Desmond 'yodeling groceries' all across the Pacific Ocean.
3. Expect to see one of Desmond's patented 'completely baffling flashes,' where he actually runs into Daniel Faraday off of the island. Again, I don't exactly know if this takes place in the future or not. Do you even watch the show anymore? Christ.
4. We'll learn a little something special about Frank in this episode. As a Jeff Fahey fan, I can't wait. However, as a Lost fan, I have a hunch that he won't survive Season 4.
5. 31,350 is a terrible Pac-Man score, but slow and steady wins the race. You'll see.
Well, there you have it, a super-sized Lost Monday to erase the painful memories of last week's no-show. I hope this cures what ails 'ya. Sound off in the comments section, send any erotic photography and stalker mail to firstname.lastname@example.org, and for God's sake, buy my book if you haven't done so already. I'm no longer ordering copies for distribution, so personalized copies will go extinct very soon.
As always, here are links to every Lost Monday this season. Thanks, and enjoy your day.
Lost Monday - Episode 2 Recap.
Two more awesome things:
1. Tina Fey hosting SNL last weekend, and Ellen Page hosting this week (with Wilco!).
2. No Country For Old Men kicking everyone's ass at the Oscars. W00000t.
... best cases of stomach flu ever...
... best school shooting ever ...
... best IRS audit ever ...
ELLIOT - Mmm-hmm. Very true. One way or another, Ben's getting off of this island.
ED - A good Kate episode is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
Thank you! I've been trying to figure out what about Kate grates on my nerves, and you just summed it up. That, and the fact that both Jack and Sawyer are so competative for her contrary, scheming affections that I just want to reach through the tv and shake them both.
And Evangeline did something to her face over the break...I know she had her top teeth straightened a little, but I really think she did something to her lips - it's *almost* imperceptable.
Even Juliet is more honest than Kate. There's nothing attractive about a liar. A fibber? That's a different story.
Am I alone in thinking that Daniel was being tested for psychic ability?
What happens to cause Jack to lose his mind? It obviously has nothing to do with the rescue, or he'd be a nut job already.
Why is Justice wearing an industrial-strength corset?
Yeah, Daniel was being tested for psychic ability, not memory. He's the 'mythology' guy on the island now, and I'm hoping he gets some questions answered before he's eventually shot during a raid of some kind.
I think Jack slowly started to lose it as the weight of whatever decision he made started to catch up with him. It seems like there are a lot of things happening off of the island that are just as evil and conspiratory as those that took place on it, which causes Jack to subsequently crack.
Or not; just a theory.
Justice is fat, that's why*.
(*If Justice is reading this, I want to stress that I was merely kidding. Please don't grab me by the ankles and bash me to death against the side of a building.)
Well, I'm up to s3 episode 13, but still not caught up. Eventually, I'll actually be able to read your Lost Monday awesomeness. :)
For now, I want to say this: I am exceedingly pleased that "Falling Slowly" from the movie Once won the Oscar for best song last night. If you haven't seen this movie, please do so. You won't regret it.
'Falling Slowly' is a beautiful song, and I knew that it would overtake the 3 Enchanted nominees to win. People in the know keep telling me to watch Once, and perhaps I'll check it out when it's released on the DVD.
You saw the Aaron twist coming up? Do you take notes while you watch or something, because I failed to suss that out when even though I'm normally fairly good at that kind of stuff.
I'd also like to adress the fact that even though I'm probably the last CDPeon to do so, I'm sending off the money right now. The Sugar Puffs will have to wait. I kinda ate them all.
I liked that Jon Stewart allowed that woman to come out and say her thank-you's after the orchestra miscue. He did a great job.
Does pounds sterling count as international money? If so, what's conversion going to come to?
Acually scrap that last one, I'll work it out myself.
I saw the Aaron twist as soon as they mentioned Kate's 'son,' and focused a little too long on her angle with Claire. TV shows don't do that unless something is up.
If anyone's interested, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (the two musicians) will be in Madison at the Overture Center, performing songs from the soundtrack with their band, The Swell Season.
Stewart was gold, as was Steve Carell for the minute he was on camera.
The Pop Crunch people ordered up another episode of my Lost-fueled goodness, despite boasting seriously low traffic and a less-than-stellar script. Awesome.
I rarely get negative attention, but with Pop Crunch, I get a chance to be exceedingly mean and welcome the anger.
HATHERY - Tanks! Tank you!
I'm voting for Forward-Looking Guy.
Cross my heart.
Also thrilled that No Country for Old Men cleaned up last night. The Coens frighten me with their genius.
Enjoyed it! Thanks again.
No Country is really an incredible film. The Cohens, for Fargo and No Country alone, should be cloned for future generations.
One of the only things I wanted to see was Daniel Day Lewis as best actor. 'There will be blood' was awesome...
If you were paying attention and had a cousin who you left you a message screaming, "Oh my God, Aron, what's up with that?" before you saw the episode then you could read the misdirections. At some point, anyway.
Aren't there any LOST parties at local taverns around here?
To the best of my knowledge, there aren't any big Lost gatherings in the Dane County area, but I can assure you that everyone will be invited to CDP Headquarters for the Lost Series Finale.
Locke is such a badass that his frustration causes foundations to tremble at his wrath.
Was I the only one bothered by Kate's mother? She went from abused diner waitress to dying with dignity heiress. I guess her principles didn't preclude keeping the insurance money.
Miles better watch his back. For a psychic he doesen't seem too cognizent of the casualty rate for minorities on the island.
Ana Lucia? Dead.
Mr. Eko? Dead.
Paulo? Dead Duke Alum.
Dr. Marvin Candle? Who knows?
Though, it should be said that Jin and Sun are hanging in there. Perhaps you have to speak your native tongue while on the island at least once as to not piss off the Lost Gods?
What's the story for Rose?
Just to clarify.
BLU - Because I try to stay as efficient as possible at all times, I never wear underwear that would otherwise hinder the amount of time between talking about sex and actually participating in the act thereof.
MOE - "Though, it should be said that Jin and Sun are hanging in there."
Oh, now you've done it.
Last week's deal? Wasn't it odd to have a woman be your voice? It was odd to me, and I don't even know you.
If you like Kate, you're really not going to enjoy this week's episode of Pop Crunch. I kid them because I love them; please know that.
Concerning Pop Crunch, it's a little odd to have a woman be my voice, but since that first episode, I've changed the way I write those scripts to better suit Sarah's on-screen character. The things I write will never not sound like me, but I'm trying to make it fit the Pop Crunch mold a little more.
Also, because I'm doing it along with Lost Monday, it allows them both to function as two separate things.
Sorry for the delay, I'm a big dumb animal.
Okay, but you're paying for the flight.
DUFF - Crap. The party's off.
CAVEMAN - I'll check the PO box tonight!
1. Do I just keep it in the fridge or something?
2. Can I drink it without being killed?
I'm way past bitter. I'd kill to be bitter right now. I'm just in survival mode at this point.
The book will be shipped out by the end of the week, and thanks so much for the mix and the Mike-N-Ikes.
I get the best mail. Candy, music and money.
1. Do I just keep it in the fridge or something?
2. Can I drink it without being killed?
1. Yeah, the fridge is fine. The freezer is also a possibility for the stuff with apples in it, it's high enough proof that it won't freeze. The atomic cherries might, I would keep the in the fridge.
2. Sure, why not. :)
No, in all seriousness, this stuff is potent. I would recommend using serious moderation, especially with the pear. If you put a match to it, it will burn blue. The cherries are much less potent.
I fully expect drunk dialing from you when you decide to break into it.
Caveman, the scary thing is that it's more like 200 Proof peaches.
I have to say that when I launched the CDP in 2004, I had no idea it would bring me to the point where I'd be shipped moonshine from a southern reader via UPS, and candy from a reader in Maine. It's moments like this that make me smile.
When I was younger, I was always forced to attend a family reunion for my Grandma's side of the family; consisting of rich, yuppie folks that were complete strangers to me. I was much younger than the youngest boys and girls, so I never had anyone to talk to or play with, and I was constantly given looks like I was unwelcome and of lesser importance than them.
One year, the 16 year old boy (complete polo-shirt wearing, sailboat enthusiast, daddys-boy knob-nozzle that I've never gotten along with since the beginning of time), brought along his girlfriend, who was, at the time, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen (I was around 10 years old). They were relaxing by the pool, and I couldn't take my eyes off of her all day. I even got in the pool (despite my fear of water), just to be close to her.
For the remainder of the day, I watched this boy ignore his girlfriend, treat her like crap, make her fetch him drinks and otherwise treat her like every 16 year old boy treats a girlfriend. Even at 10, I was disgusted. If only she could see past the fact that I was in the 4th grade and we were complete strangers; I could make her so very happy.
I left the reunion feeling terrible, young, worthless and destined to be miserable for the rest of my childhood.
Two days later, my grandmother told me that the 16 year old boy had previously 'stolen' that girlfriend of his from one of those obsessive-teen types that plays football, drinks beer and shouldn't be messed with under any circumstances. As an act of revenge, the ex-boyfriend mailed him a dead rabbit with a note scrawled in blood. The 16 year old boy was so terrified that he left the girl and transferred to another school.
Petty as it is, this story always makes me happy. Assholes don't always win; sometimes you lose to an even bigger asshole.
I'm waiting on my Pop Crunch episode to be launched. It'll be posted ASAP.
Hey, I posted a review of yer mix tape: http://thelostalbatross.blogspot.com/2008/02/great-cdp-mix-tape-review_27.html
Unless you're a rabbit. Then you always lose.
Want to scar your kids for life? Buy them a rabbit's foot.
California condor weathervane.
Panda fur toilet seat cover.
Bengal tiger hear shoe scraper.
And then it would fall back off again.
Stupid monkey's paw!!!
It arrived at your front door at 11:06 AM.
She just stared at me blankly, until I realized what I had just said.
"Allie, your music sucks. Arcade Fire and Fall Out Boy went to Duke."
That's awesome, b/c that means that the CDP's taste in music goes to Duke too. But the CDP doesn't go to Duke, because he coins phrases.
Way to go on using UPS! That was some smart thinking. And thank goodness the stuff doesn't freeze.
JT - Awesome! Thanks again!
Arcade Fire and Fall Out Boy shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence. That being said, I'm very glad that our secret language is starting to overtake the nation. I posted a link to 'I Can See Your Butthole!' over in the sidebar, as well.
There's a short shelf life when it comes to weekly recaps; even Lost Monday is pushing it a bit being run so late. Waiting 6 days to put up an episode review is begging for absolutely no attention whatsoever.
So yeah, if they air the episode by midnight tonight, I'll post it on the CDP on Thursday. Otherwise, it'll go up Friday, and I'll put up the post I wanted to publish today.
I think I know what happened to the chopper. Desmond and Sayid pissed Frank off he turned into the Incredible Wolf! Wolf promptly ate them with ranch dressing.
While we're at it, I wish that Crush and my next-door neighbor were the same person.