Wednesday, March 12

50 Random Things (Or, 'Let's Talk About Me!').

50 Random Things.
(Rocking the Coolest Drumset Ever in the early 1980's.)

Thanks to Facebook, e-mail and generally annoying human beings, I'm constantly inundated with various surveys, questionnaires and tell-all quizzes designed to allow folks to talk about themselves at length, with little or no provokation. In my opinion, these surveys exist for lonely people to share information about themselves that nobody cared to know by actually asking them.

Look, I'm a personal blogger. I write about myself every day. If you don't already know something about me, chances are that I don't plan on sharing it anytime soon. At the very least, I'm saving the jucier tales for my next book and charging $19.95. I'm a storyteller, businessman and purveyor of fine barbecue sauces, not some open-book attention whore.

I completed one of these surveys last year as a way to hopefully remain out of the loop on future ones, but they just kept on a-coming. So, in conjunction with readers wanting to know every last scrap of my private and personal life, I present to you '50 Random Things,' and beg of you to never send me another survey ever again. It's lengthy, it's all-encompassing, it's sort of awesome. Also, people tell me that they actually like it when I do this.

Let's do work!

Check off the random things you have done. Include explanations!

Level 1

(X) Punched a mule right in the face
- Yes, and it was totally rad.

Please don't send hate mail, mules. You know I'm kidding.

(X) Smoked A Cigar
- When I was a Sophomore/Junior in High School, the Swing revival was all over the radio. I had a several-month phase where I drank nothing but Gin & Tonic and smoked cigars. I looked like a fool, and any photographs taken of me at the time rank among some of the most embarrassing of my life. Thanks for bringing that up; I'm a douche.

() Done Weed
- Believe what you want to believe, but I've never directly used marijuana or anything containing THC. I've been amongst enough second-hand smoke to experience some contact issues, but it was never something I cared to experience on a personal level. I have enough paranoia as is, I'm not big on breaking the law, I don't pretend to be laid-back, nor do I wish to be. Weed just isn't in the game plan for me. It's tired, common and unoriginal.

That being said, I support the legalization of marijuana, although I wouldn't use it unless I had to for pain or medicinal reasons. I'm complicated like that.

(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
- Although it hasn't happened for almost a decade, I've indeed kissed a man, but mainly for silly, teenage-dare purposes. By that point in my life, I was already decided and secure with my sexuality, and never embarked on an experimental phase that had me smooching dudes. There's nothing at all wrong with it; it's just not for me. Sorry, Ben.

(X) Drank Alcohol
- Are you kidding me? I'm drunk right now! What should be mentioned is that I was a pretty good boy, and seldom drank before I turned 21 years old. I'd say I suffered three, maybe four hangovers before I became of legal age, which is pretty respectable, I would assume. Nowadays, I drink alone and in the privacy of my own home, and that's normal, right?


Level 2

(X) Are/Been In Love
- I've been in love since June of 1999, when I first spoke words to the Missus. I remember it very clearly, and since then, I've done my best to shield her from the huge mistake she made when she let me be her husband. Had I ever been in love before that? Yeah, maybe. However, now that I've been in a marriage for 4 years, I can assure you that your perception of love changes greatly when you get the law and laundry involved.

"You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, but they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

(X) Been Dumped
- I've been officially dumped approximately 2.5 times; once in 1995, and once in 1996 (the .5 is another story for another time). Considering the age that we all were at the time, these barely qualify in my book. At the time, however, they hurt like you'd imagine they would. I never realized that it was impossible to listen to the radio after being dumped; did you know that? Absolutely impossible. I wish they could make a pill that duplicated the feeling of being emotionally rejected, so you could take it every once in awhile to remember how good you have it.

(X) Shoplifted
- Yes, as a youth, I stole a thing or two from unnamed gas stations and mini-marts. It was wrong, I'm not proud of it, and I still think that the law will catch up with me because of it. Nothing of significant value was taken, except for my very soul. I apologize.

() Been Fired
- Nope, not yet, as of at least 11 different jobs. Someday, maybe. When I worked as a bartender (at the age of 15, mind you), I begged on a daily basis to be fired, but to no avail. What a thankless job it is to serve drinks before you can even legally drive a car.

(X) Been In A Fist Fight
- I was in three short ones. The first had me pummel some poor kid on the playground back in the day. The second one took place during a High School assembly in the bleachers, and the third one took place in the parking lot of a 24-hour diner at midnight. My record stands at 1-1, with 1 No Contest, which won't get me any MMA contracts in the near future, I can assure you.


Level 3

(X) Snuck Out Of/Into A Parent’s House
- My relationship with my mom has always been trusting and full of compromise. If I wanted to stay out past curfew, all I had to do was call her and tell her where I was going. However, there were a couple of times when I had to navigate the house like a ballerina at 3am, as to not wake her and be subsequently murdered.

(X) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn’t Have Them Back
- If you have never felt the deep, black, cavernous pit of unrequited love, I honestly feel bad for you. I really do. Everyone on Earth should experience that deflating, weightless, vomitous, nothing-else-matters emotion at least once; it would allow the nation to understand the feelings of others a little better. Gosh, is there anything that feels worse than that? Anything?

() Been Arrested
- Nope. I'm law-abiding. Sure. I speed constantly when I'm on the road, but doesn't everyone? Furthermore, can you be arrested for speeding? Nah, I'm fine on this one...yep.

() Made Out With A Stranger
- We had known each other for a good two hours; does that still make her a stranger? I will defer to the judges on this one, who say that by two hours, she would be officially recognized as an 'acquaintance.' I'm off the hook, thankfully.

(X) Gone Out On A Blind Date
- Her name was Kate. We met on the Internet. She lived 10 minutes from me. We met at the mall. I was wearing an honest-to-God Limp Bizkit t-shirt that I purchased with my own money. She didn't care. We took a drive and got coffee. We exchanged pleasantries and parted with a hug and quick smooch. We never spoke again. I later wrote a song about it, titled 'Blind Date Kate.' It was catchy and sounded a lot like The Queers. I was proud of it, but never fleshed it into something for my band to play. Lost opportunity on all counts.

Years later, a fan of my page named Kate Carillo popped up. She looked exactly like 'Blind Date Kate,' but it was merely coincidence. Weird.

SO FAR: 11

Level 4

(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
- Listen. I'm 26 years old, and I still have crushes on older people. From older sisters, to teachers, to co-workers, to friends' moms, to internet personalities that live in Los Angeles and write television shows for a living; some things will never, ever change.

Get well soon, Will. We miss you.

(X) Skipped School
- Under the guise of a school-funded Blood Drive, I ducked out of class once and only once in my life. At my school, turning 17 meant that you could write yourself excuse notes to get out of anything at any time, so it wasn't like you were being held against your will or anything. Besides, high school wasn't all that bad for me. The pizza was lukewarm and top-notch.

() Slept With A Co-Worker
- For as long as I've been in the professional job field, I've been in committed relationships that greatly hindered my opportunities at casual sex. Furthermore, it doesn't take a genius to know that it's probably a bad idea. If I were single, though, you know I'd be trying to destroy every female friendship I've ever made at the workplace for even the slightest chance at a hook-up. How tragically sad and expected.

(X) Slept With A Classmate
- Well, yeah. How can you not? I'd like to see the statistics on people losing their virginity to a fellow classmate. It's gotta be like, 95%. The question should really be, "How did you not sleep with a classmate?"

(X) Seen Someone/Something Die
- Anyone who has been watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno over the past 14 years can also check this box for themselves. Hey-oh!

SO FAR: 15

Level 5

(X) Had/Have A Crush On One Of Your MySpace/Facebook Friends
- I won't be naming names for the sake of my comfortable and wonderful marriage, so I'll cop out by saying that the Missus is on Facebook/MySpace, and she's always my #1 crush. Besides, I haven't had a textbook-definition 'crush' since I saw Alanis Morissette's video for 'Ironic' in 1995.

() Been To Paris
- Not yet. Someday, perhaps. I'll ride a bike around with a loaf of bread sticking out of the basket. Then I'll star in an erotic film where I lust after a member of my family. Ahh, the French. Is there anything they can't make sexy?

Stupid thought to add, and this is just the sick part of me that thinks about stuff like this, but I remember me and an ex-girlfriend swearing to each other in 1994 that we'd see Paris together one day. Wouldn't it be funny if we were forced against our will to take each other up on the promise in the present-day, and had to walk around France together with our new spouses, lives and kids? That would be goddamn hilarious in its embarrassment; I should write a screenplay. Michael Cera will star.

() Been To Spain
- I don't really care to travel to Spain. I already have Univision on my digital cable. What? It isn't?

(X) Been On A Plane
- I'm not a hardened and weary traveler by plane, but I'll estimate that I've been on anywhere from 12-15 flights in my life thus far. I recall one flight from Cleveland to Milwaukee that careened straight through a huge storm. Lightning was everywhere, the turbulance was insane and people were crying. It was intense, but it didn't give me a phobia. It's mainly the passengers that I hate more than the fear of being vaporized upon impact. Cars are far more deadly than airplanes; don't be a baby.

(X) Thrown Up From Drinking
- Once, when I was 17. New Year's Eve 2000. That's it; seriously. Never again will I lose control of myself to that extent. It sucks, and hard. Sure, I'll drink myself tipsy on a near-weekly occurance, but I gots to keep it classy. My shirts are too expensive now to be 'Technicolor yawning' all over them.

SO FAR: 18

Level 6

(X) Eaten Sushi
- Once, a year before I went vegetarian. Screw that noise. The only way I'll ever eat sushi again is if I go to one of those uber-expensive places that lets you eat off of a naked Asian woman. Or, if I could just pay an Asian woman for the same dining services. We're getting way off-topic, here.

God, I love Asian women.

(X) Been Snowboarding
- I used to tear up the slopes during the snowboard X-plosion of the 90's. After awhile, I realized it was far more fun to hang out in the clubhouse and sip hot chocolate with everyones' girlfriends. The only thing I do in the snow now is maybe sledding once a year; because it's awesome, and because everything else done on snow is just a variation of sledding.

(X) Met Someone Because Of MySpace/Facebook
- I don't think this has happened because of MySpace or Facebook, but I've met a few nice people in person through the CDP. If I had it my way, I'd meet all of you. We'll eat breakfast for dinner; it'll be great.

(X) Been Body Surfing
- Once, at a Mustard Plug concert in Green Bay. I don't like being off my feet around strangers. I also hate it when they try to grab my boobs. I'm not your property! I just want to dance!

(X) Been Mosh Pitting
- Many, many times have I strapped on and threw down back in the day. It should be noted that the single biggest ass-whipping of my entire life took place at a Christian rock show at a church. When that was over, I had a black eye, swollen lip and more cuts and bruises than my previous 16 years of injuries at concerts combined. Absolutely bizarre. I quite simply got the crap beaten out of me in the name of Jesus.

SO FAR: 23

Level 7

() Been In An Abusive Relationship
- I've been manipulated, I've been the manipulator, I've been in spectacular fights, but nothing that I would call 'abusive.' I like to stay in relationships for the long haul, but I'll jump ship if I think I'm dealing with someone who's clinically insane. Breaking something every once in awhile isn't the be-all to end-all, but if it becomes a weekly occurrence, we'll need to have a talk.

(X) Taken Pain Killers
- I threw my back out in 2002 and didn't want to go to the doctor, so the Missus gave me all the painkillers she had stockpiled from the last time she threw her back out. Got' damn, that was a scary few days. I've rarely been so unable to control myself than when I was whacked out of my gourd on enough illegal prescription medication to take out Courtney Love and Marilyn Monroe combined. This also is a good reminder as to why I shy away from hard drugs. I like being in control of the situation, and I can't do that when I can't even control the drool pooling on my novelty t-shirt.

(X) Love(d) Someone Who You Can’t Have
- Remember all that stuff I said before about having feelings for someone who didn't have them back? The feeling that you can't blow the back of your head off fast enough? Yeah...that. If it wasn't for loving people you aren't supposed to love, there would be no such thing as good music. Quote me.

"If it wasn't for loving people you aren't supposed to love, there would be no such thing as good music."

(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
- Yeah, and it was totally gay. I'll never do it again.

(X) Made A Snow Angel
- Yup, gay. Damn it; I made a promise that I was going to stop saying 'gay' in a negative tone. That's the last time.

SO FAR: 27

Level 8

(X) Been Tickled
- I'm embarrassingly ticklish; to the point where I don't even like telling it to people. I don't like being touched at all, and I'll just get angry and uncomfortable with you if you attempt to tickle me. Also, I might poop a little or throw up, so please don't. Whatever the outcome, something's going to be coming out of me.

(X) Been Robbed/Vandalized
- I think everyone has had something stolen from them at some point in their life. For me, the largest amount ever taken from me in one sitting was a student loan that I was forced into putting misleading information on. Due to that slight error in judgment, I'll be paying that thing off for the next 20 years, with a total price tag in the 6-figure column.

If you steal a CD from me, I will destroy you. Mark my words.

(X) Robbed Someone
- When I was in the 8th Grade, I stole a friend's girlfriend. Harsh, I know. Five years later, I did the same exact thing.

(X) Been Misunderstood
- I won't even dignify this with a response. If you've never been misunderstood, then you're a deaf, dumb mute with no limbs who is so seriously handicapped that nobody even bothers to acknowledge you for any reason.

(X) Pet A Deer
- Yes. I've pet many deer. Maybe hundreds. I've shot none.

SO FAR: 32

Level 9

(X) Been Suspended From School
- When I was a Junior, I believe, I was suspended for logging into an Industrial Arts class computer under someone else's' name in order to copy their test answers. I was sent home that day, but in a move that I wouldn't have seen coming from a mile away, my dad of all people showed up for next day's conference and talked my way out of further disciplinary action. You should have seen him; he was like F. Lee Bailey in the Principal's office. It was amazing.

(X) Been Asked To Leave School
- In my school, you were not allowed to wear shorts until a specific date. This was either done to keep irresponsible kids from freezing to death, or merely to further shove the District's manhood down the throats of the student body. Whatever the case, I wasn't playing along.

When I was told that I wasn't allowed to wear shorts, they insisted that I wear a pair of sweatpants from the lost-and-found bin; a true fate worse than death for a Middle Schooler. I walked.

(X) Been In A Car/Motorcycle Accident
- Nothing serious, but I've been in about 2 fender-benders and 1 accident that cause major damage to the vehicle. No personal injuries, unless you count the time I hit that deer and pooped my pants.

(X) Had Someone Else Wear Your Clothes To School
- The girl I was seeing for some of my Senior year liked to wear my shirts, and who was I to stop her? Furthermore, it portrayed us as a couple that slept together, and I enjoyed that greatly, even if it was a hollow lie.

(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 8 Hours
- This might be the least believable fact on here, actually. Back in the day, I was capable of talking on the phone for over eight hours on many occasions. 6pm-2am was a common occurrence, sometimes 2-3 nights a week. Eventually, the Internet arrived and put an end to that nonsense.

SO FAR: 37
Level 10

(X) Stayed Up All Night
- My personal record is 46 hours. I got up at a Washington D.C. hotel at 6am, flew home, stayed up all night with friends, spent the next day at a carnival and didn't fall asleep until 4am the next day. I'll break that record someday, and broadcast the entire marathon in my Live Video Chat.

(X) Got A Concussion
- Fat friend. Aluminum baseball bat. No peripheral vision. One hospital visit and a week's worth of two hours of sleep a night. A concussion is pretty much brain damage on a base level, and it's a terribly sickening and scary feeling to know that you're now slightly closer to retardation than you were a day ago.

(X) Slept Naked
-Yeah, a few times, but I absolutely hate it. It's unclean; regardless of how many times you wash your sheets and shower. Furthermore, one wrong adjustment in the middle of the night can lead to serious repercussions in the morning. I'm speaking mainly to the guys out there.

(X) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger
- I'll tell you, it certainly doesn't happen a lot (it happens to the Missus on a weekly basis), but yes, I has happened to me a time or two. They were all probably blind or on the verge of being institutionalized, however. More than likely, I was being made fun on.

(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
- I don't know what it is about me, but I'm a magnet for stuff like this. In school, I was probably flashed more times than Joe Francis, minus the fact that he's a complete freaking greaseball.

The absolute funniest time was when I was flashed by a friend at a record store. I was outside, and she was inside, facing me from the store window. She was wearing a tube top, and when she tried to quickly re-adjust herself, the tube top pretty much fell down to her knees, attracting the unwanted attention of nearly everyone walking down the sidewalk. That's what you get for being slutty, I suppose. You can't pick and choose your attention when breasts are involved.

You’ve done 42 out of 50 random things!

Hey, alright! Awesome. Good for me.

Let's get random in the comments section! Sound off with questions, comments, concerns and Random Things of your own. Thanks; enjoy your day.

Ah, surveys. Between that and random bulletin posts on MySpace about how Obama is actually a member of MI-6 or some other such nonsense, it there anything the Internet can't provide us with?
Yeah, Obama's going to mess this country up hardcore, what with the way he unites people and stuff. I shudder to think; it might be like the 90's all over again.


Quick question about John McCain. Not to take any deserved respect away from his time served in a POW camp or anything, but I'm not voting for a guy that can't comb his own hair. Call me an asshole, but it just ain't happening.

Oh, screw it. Since I'm already in too deep, I might as well mention that goitery protrusion growing out of the side of his head. Me and the Missus were thinking that he should make that goiter his running mate, and they would just set a little podium and microphone underneath on his shoulder during debates.


I'm sorry about all of that.
What? You didn't have any female friends who were capable of wearing tube tops, except Kenny!
It wasn't Kenny. If it was, I would have just named her outright.
"I might as well mention that goitery protrusion growing out of the side of his head. Me and the Missus were thinking that he should make that goiter his running mate, and they would just set a little podium and microphone underneath on his shoulder during debates."

THANK YOU!! I had to point the goiter-thing out to someone recently who didn't seem to have ever noticed it (seriously!). That thing really bothers me. To the point that I make Total Recall references whenever I see him ("McCaaiiinnnnn...McCaaiinnnn...")
People are so hung up about possibly voting for a woman or African-American, but what about voting for some dude with an underdeveloped twin emerging from the side of his head?
Especially if the twin is evil and shares his brain.
I can hear it already; "That guy was a war hero! Show some respect!"

McCain's goiter went to Duke.
It's not a's on the side of his JAW! It's like a pus-filled jaw growth or something.
After exhaustive research (and typing 'John McCain goiter growth tumor') into Google, it appears to be an enlarged gland, brought on by his previous cancers, tumor removals and skin problems. Over the last 4 years, it's gotten three times larger.

He's also 71 years old. In short, he ain't healthy enough for 4 years in office. Much like Bob Dole, wasn't this guy too old, like, 10 years ago?
Can't they yank that puppy out?
I wish not to find out.

With Clinton and Obama, I fear assassination attempts. With McCain, I fear his heart exploding on global television.
Comment section random things:

1) I totally had a kiddie drumset when I was that age, too, only mine was Fraggle Rock themed, and therefore way cooler. My fella, in his infinite awesomeness, recently tracked down one on ebay and bought it for me, so I own one even now.

2) The question should really be, "How did you not sleep with a classmate?"

I'm a member of that particular club. My crippling shyness during my school years knew no bounds.

3) I was suspended from school once, for writing an underground newspaper. That's an epic tale for another day, though, if you should care to know it. I won't lie, I still feel pretty cool about it to this day (it was probably my one cool moment out of all three years of junior high...OK, of all time).

4) I've only thrown up from drinking once, as well. I drank half a bottle of raspberry flavored vodka, straight, in the course of about an hour or so. It had been a rough month. Happily, as I sat on a couch ready to toss my cookies, a friend saw "the look" on my face, grabbed a sauce pan and threw it under me before I could ruin my friend's carpet. It was a pretty slick move on her part.

5) I can't count how many times I've been flashed. Chalk it up to being involved in theatre.
I have never flashed. These hoots are top-grade, and reserved only for the most discriminating of eyes. Low-cut shirts reveal a little top-boob now and then, but alas, that is all that will ever be seen :)
Wow,I never thought I'd enter the comments section on and totally blank on what to say... Way to go, guys!
EMILY - 1. Fraggle Rock is better than Muppet Babies, but only by a little bit. That's still quite a coincidence that we were both rocking Jim Henson-themed percussion, however.

3. An act of defiance is always a noble way to be suspended. Sounds like a good idea for a short film. The kids would love it.

5. Indeed. Perhaps I should have tried harder in Drama class.

HATHERY - I enjoy this comment. I felt sort of pig-ish now that the discussion has turned to female anatomy, but since the Missus was part of the reason, I feel a lot better about it.

I never exposed myself either, even when all of my guy friends thought it was hilarious to do so. Furthermore, you don't want to be drumming at a party when nude; splinters go everywhere.
CAVEMAN - Yeah, I know what you mean. Things could be worse.

I used to lament about how few female readers I had. Nowadays, I feel like Hugh Hefner; you know, if he was talented.

I blame my non-threatening demeanor and bedroom eyes.
13 out of 50 random things!

Most of those things were sort of arbitrary and negative, so I think the goal was to score low. Like golf.

Do you call it 'golf' over there, or is it something funny sounding, like 'grass hockey' or 'sod jogging?'

Sorry, I just really wanted to write those two things down. I'm through with the whole 'different countries' thing.
Emily and I are members of the same club. I was *painfully* shy too, and very introverted - and also spectacularly dorky, bookish and artsy at the same time. None of the boys I liked in school (i.e. the ones who turned out to be complete jerks) liked me, and none of the boys who liked me were either "my type" at the time (i.e. the shallow, immature jerks), or were also shy and wouldn't risk make overtures that could have been rejected.

And I've only ever really been flashed by female friends. Mostly by accident. Although I'm sure my husband would like to dwell on the possibility of it being intentional just because he's a guy and his brain is wired that way.
"I'm sure my husband would like to dwell on the possibility of it being intentional just because he's a guy and his brain is wired that way."

I'm a dignified, refined gentleman for the most part, and I don't prefer to indulge in anything that would appear sexist or stereotypically male. That being said, we can't control those thoughts.

The Missus and Sherry have been best friends for probably 20 years, and every time me and Ben leave them alone in the house, we assume a slow-motion pillow fight is going to break out. We know it won't, but it's always more fun to assume that they can't keep their hands off of each other in private.

The way I see it, it's not hurting anyone to think that way. After all, ladies say that same crap to guys.
Actually, we just talk about how soft the cats, are and how much the hedgehog and birds are good pets.

And we discuss ways we could kill you without anyone knowing.

Those are mostly the things that happen while you're away.
BTW, I've done 33 of those things on ze list. Meaning that my husband is a far worse human being than I, as I've suspected all along.
Okay, I really enjoyed that, you were right. Does that make me a creepy voyeur or something? I don't know if I would have the balls (er...tits?) to fess up to some of the stuff on this here checklist.

So since I'm the fake Blind Date Kate, does that mean I get to hear the song and pretend it's about me? I'm just glad it wasn't a "date from hell" scenario that would have caused an irrational hatred of me.

Oh and I totally agree: breakfast for dinner is the greatest thing that can happen to a day.
(X) Smoked A Cigarette
- I've smoked maybe a handful of cigarettes in my life. I didn't try hard enough to get addicted, mainly because I'm not a bottom-feeding mongoloid with crippling personal issues. If you have anxiety, take anxiety medication. If you're fat, go on a diet. Smoking offers nothing in the game of life but the fact that nobody respects you or wants your tongue in their mouth.

This is a faulty argument at best, and also needlessly insulting.
39 out of 50. Not bad, I should say.

MAUS - Oh man, right there with you.

CDP/HATHERY - I don't know about slo-mo pillow fights, but pretty much any time I'm left alone with a pretty girl, it ends in fondling. I can't help it. Again, I blame the theatre. My fella, oddly enough, doesn't seem to mind.
HATHERY - Nope, I don't believe any of that. Pillow fights and red wine aplenty.

KATE - Glad you enjoyed the voyeuristic journey. I actually think kindly of you because the blind date did go so well. People are weird sometimes.

You wouldn't want to hear the song, though. I don't remember anything but the chorus, and it was pretty weak, like most Queers songs.

Breakfast for dinner is a weekly occurance at CDP Headquarters.

KENNY - You know, you're probably right. I had been chipping away at this survey for well over two months, and it would appear that I answered that first question sometime around January, which was at the height of my annual depression.

If anything, I'm calling shallow hipsters to the carpet and venting serious frustration towards those that I sincerely care about. I hope that makes sense. You also have to remember that cigarettes have killed people that I love, so I get hot about it at times.

EMILY - You're so impure. RAWR!

I now have the impression of you that you're just a fondling machine; completel uncontrollable around attractive people. Don't dispute me on this, I'm not changing my mind.
Why would I dispute something that's pretty much true?

I have many years of crippling shyness to make up for.
Between the Missus talking about the wonders of her chest, and you coming clean about your fondness for heavy petting, I think I may need to take the afternoon off of work.
Body Surfing =/= Crowd Surfing

Body surfing is like surfing, except with just your body. I did it a lot growing up :)

Oh, and for serious, Christian rock shows can be startlingly scary. I nearly got into a fistfight with a drunken asshole at a freaking Switchfoot concert.

(Yes, I like Switchfoot. Shut up.)
It's okay, you're free to like Switchfoot. I think I saw them a couple times at Lifest back in the day.

Reliant K, MXPX, Joy Electric, Five Iron Frenzy, $1 slices of pizza; Lifest wasn't all that bad.
Thanks for the well wishes, I'm getting better slowly. You may be happy to know that I used this as an opportunity to quit smoking. I'm on my seventh non smoking day now. That said, if you referred to me as "bottom-feeding mongoloid with crippling personal issues". for smoking I would...and let me say this in the nicest way possible...beat you senseless.

Now, I'm not defending smoking or smokers, it's an awful habit but don't pat yourself on the back too hard for not doing it or at least don't come down too harshly on those who have been addicted. It comes off as self righteous and frankly annoying. Until you don't understand what goes into addiction and why people make the sometimes bad choices they make ease up on the judgment. Attacking smoking is fine, no one will disagree with you but attacking smokers as weak or otherwise flawed people is a ridiculous generalization that makes you come off like a zealot and that marginalizes your message.

I hope you realize that this is coming from someone who respects you and your point of view, but you can't just make a statement like that without understanding the circumstances surrounding someones decision to smoke or make other bad decisions. If you'd like to discuss this further you know where you can find me.
Will's remarkably coherent for someone who's currently hopped up on goofballs.
My husband is being extra kind; I blame the vicodin.

What he didn't say is that he picked up smoking at the age of 10 because there wasn't enough food on the table. But there were plenty of cigarettes.

The air must be awfully thin up on that high horse of yours.
WILL - Wow, it's good to have you back! We were all pretty worried about you for awhile. Take care of yourself.

First off, best of luck on kicking the habit. Every now and again, good things come from bad things, and if your appendix exploding somehow allowed you to live a healthier life, that's freaking awesome.

That being said, I hear you and Kenny loud and clear, I really do. "You have no idea what it's like." Absolutely; I don't.

When it comes to vegetarianism, I maintain a classy opinion and outlook (or at least attempt to), because the lifestyle isn't for everyone. I'll never get in your face about it, and I usually find it funny when vegetarians are made fun of or portrayed as hippies in the media. I'm cool with that; it comes with the territory.

With smoking, however, I'm conflicted. My huge issue is all of the combined knowledge we've mined in the last 25 years concerning how dangerous and irredeemable the addiction is. There are older generations of smokers that didn't know any better, but most of us nowadays are fully aware that it's a nasty thing to do to yourself. When I see otherwise brilliant and logical people my age smoking, I wonder to myself "How did that happen?"

I'm not right all the time, and I think it's pretty clear that my thoughts on the matter are fueled by a ton of frustration and little-to-no understanding of the reasons. It's no excuse, but I clearly went over-the-top in trying to drive home the fact that I dislike smoking. It looked funny in print, which is typically my only motivation for writing stuff. I wasn't trying to be confrontational or give people the impression that I would say that to anyone's face; I was exaggerating something to a ridiculous extreme to hopefully make my thoughts on smoking seem humorous in a militant way.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's the risk you take.

I apologize to those that I offended, or those that think I came off like an elitist. I'm not, and a quick scan of the archives will remind you that I make fun of a lot of people with limited provokation. Nobody more than myself, mind you.

Concerning addiction, the closest I've come was when I kicked a caffiene addiction as a teenager. For those who find it insulting to compare a caffiene addiction to a nicotine addiction, science will tell you they're closer than you might think. I was taking caffiene pills on a daily basis and rocking black coffee for years, and giving it up completely was a lot of work. I didn't think it would replicate what I considered more 'serious' forms of addiction, but I indeed did spent a lot of sweaty nights in withdrawl, joints aching and feeling miserable. If you think I'm being a pansy and trying to equate caffiene with cigarettes, give it up for a few days and let me know how it goes.

Heroin it isn't; but you can't take away the fact that yes, I did see an addiction through. I've been away from caffiene for longer than I've been away from meat, and it feels great.

Lastly, if you've ever seen the damage done by smoking, there's no more powerful reason to quit; I promise you.

I appreciate that I can say something that strikes a (slightly unintended) nerve, and have intelligent readers say, "You know what, man? I think you're out of your league on this one." If you want the truth, I was thinking about a specific friend when I wrote that line, and I haven't spoken to her in well over a year. There's tension there, and it came out in a passive way.

I'm not going to remove the quote, however, because '49 Random Things' just sounds stupid.

Are there any other smokers out there that I pissed off?
not to pile on here... but I'm going to pile on.

I'm anti-smokING, but I'm not an anti-smokER. I hate the habit but not the person addicted to the habit.

That's because up until about 3 years ago my mother was a smoker.

Now did that somehow make her "a bottom-feeding mongoloid with crippling personal issues"?

I sure hope not.

I think you sum things up very well in your "Cigar" answer, you're a douche...
NINA/WILL - See, now that's something that I mentioned in my earlier comment that I didn't choose to elaborate on in the post itself.

My primary gripe was against those who took up smoking in the last decade or so, in the face of facts and for no other reason than to smoke. I hadn't the time or energy to get specific when answering the survey question, nor did I think it would be highly entertaining to do so.

I think it goes without saying that the reasons for picking up a habit are varied in the least, and I'm now going to great lengths to publicly refine and define what my personal views are on smoking. I don't enjoy having to backtrack and get personal in order to cover for a faux-elitist throwaway joke gone awry, but I'll certainly do it for those whos opinions I respect.

None of this was my intention, obviously.
Not a smoker, but the wife of someone who used to smoke...and when I saw that sentence I did a little mental "Hooo boy...".

(My husband has been cigarette free for around six months - he was forced to quit due to his doctor saying it was contributing to a pending brush with death at the tender age of 29 -- he'd been a smoker since the age of 15 and had tried to truly quit smoking more times than I can even remember)
33 out of 50. Maybe. The MySpace/Facebook questions are throwing me off. Does LiveJournal count? I don't have a MySpace page and I barely use Facebook. I did meet an LJ-friend in London, which was pretty cool.

As for "Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger", I always think they're making fun of me too.
I find it amazing the things that I get away with saying on here, and the people I'm allowed to offend with clearly over-the-top ridiculousness. On a daily basis, I slip into an online persona that's far-more-cynical than myself, and nobody bats an eyelash. In fact, most people quite enjoy it.

Then something like this happens, it hits a tender spot, and people don't think the 'douche' act is so funny anymore.

Anyone who knows me personally, along with anyone who's read my page for any decent amount of time undertstands when I'm being serious, and when I'm illustrating a point by slipping into a more cynical online persona. What sucks is that it fell flat for two short sentences today, and suddenly my moral character is called to the table.

I'm not Lenny Bruce. I made a joke about smokers.

For those unaware of how much I value criticism and my writing, I can assure you that nobody feels more upset about this than me.

If anyone thinks for a second that I thought a backlash would occur because of this, you would be extremely mistaken. I typically go to great lengths to make sure nobody leaves the CDP with a bad taste in their mouth. I really, truly do.

I'm taking the comment down. Not because I feel it shouldn't have gone up in the first place, but because it's no longer funny, entertaining, or worth it.

It happens, man, but good on you for admitting to the failure.

And now, something about getting your appendix out.
EMILY - Can't win 'em all.

Not every poor life decision is worthy of a humorous essay; sometimes you just bring down a room. I feel like I just farted in church.

Yeah, I don't know if anyone knows it or not, but Will had anything but a routine appendectomy. Nina kept everyone in the loop, and it sounded far more terrible than I envisioned the procedure to be. He's actually a pretty lucky guy.
nice... the classic, "I'm sorry if what I said offended you" response!

I am sorry if what I said offended you. Really. I'm not an Internet Tough Guy; this is weighing on me a bit, even if you are some stranger that popped in just to bust on me because I stepped on your toes.

Look at it this way: If I say something on here that's perceived as slightly offensive or boneheaded once every four years, I'd say that's a pretty good track record. I'd stick with a guy like that. Especially considering the superficial nature of the issue.
My Mom started smoking at 17. It was the thing back then, and she's had 5 major unsuccessful attempts at quitting since 1998...

The mental retentives are my brother and sister (who are now 27 and 20) who both started to smoke around the ages of 17-18 after living in the age we do today, and seeing my mother's poor health.

I commend Will and his attempt to quit. From what I witnessed from within my own family it sure takes alot of commitment and 'hutspa'.

(Will should totally consider the sandwich compartment thing.)

This is why I'm not that great of a writer, I edit myself way to much...

(I'm off to work. Enjoy yourselves!)
...Also, I'm voting for Abe Lincoln. Re-Unionification '08
I can see both sides of the issue here, especially since I used to be a smoker and I write in the style I do on Spork Nation. I'm not out to offend people, I sometimes do, and that's that.

CDP is right. Sometimes things that are funny to us, knowing that they are not meant to be taken seriously, can read the wrong way. Tone is very hard to convey in writing, especially if you don't know the person well.

That being said, has everyone who wants to take a swing at CDP done it? He's clearly offering everyone a free punch.

Is anyone going to stop readind because of this? No?

Good, now let's move on.
Although I didn't like the cigarette comment, I agree with JT, tomorrow is another day.

Thanks JT!
May I take this moment to 'move on' by proclaiming the awesomeness of CDP, who actually just fixed my car not but a few nights ago so that I could drive it home without exploding?

Also, he does this great impression of JT.

My car gets overheated just thinking about it.
KENNY - Wait wait wait. He fixed your car? I thought this was the guy who couldn't change a flat tire to save his life.
He poured fluid down a hole.
It was amazing.
Look how many comments I left in just under a minute.
JT - Thanks for that. You kind of nailed it.

KENNY/EMILY - Yeah, Kenny's car was overheating, and that's actually one vehicular problem I have a lot of experience with. I told her what to expect and sent her on her merry way. Had a great time, and I'm glad she made it home okay.

My JT impression is top-notch, and I must stress to JT that it's done completely out of respect for Mr. Josh Taylor. Kenny wanted to know what you sounded like on the phone when we had our imfamous 'moonshine' conversation.

Also, feel free to add any 'fluid' and 'hole' jokes at will. I shan't, because I'm taking the high road.
Just imagine me speaking in a Butthead-esque voice and saying "hole". Huh-huh huh.

KENNY - You're the best.
Smokers are jokers! Smokers are jokers!

Kenny might be a smoker, but my gosh does the woman make a fine mint julep :)
Kenny looked downright delicious last Friday. I might have actually swooned once or twice.

I'm drinking a mint julep tonight; rest assured.

I bet Emily does a good Butthead impression. She has a good tone.
EMILY- The best.
HATHERY- The best.
CDP and anything CDP-related- The best.
I think those dashes should be equals signs.

When's the next CDP live chat?
Are you making fun of my bangs?!? Because I am well aware of the fact that my hair looks like Hilary Clinton's right now...I'm planning to cut it on Friday :(
HATHERY - She's passing the positivity around; just let it happen.

The next Live Video Chat will happen sometime in the Spring, during Lost's 4-5 week hiatus. Details forthcoming.
Well now I've done 14 out of 50 random things!

That mule had it coming...
CDP - You were the first "main stream" blogger that acknowledged my presence. You and the missus sent me a shit ton of PBR swag. I have not forgotten.

I now, and always, will rise to your defense...especially when it's this easy.(place this in the deepest, most awful southern drawl ever) Shit, bo, I got your back.

Me, you , Kenny, Hathery...toss Caveman and CG in the mix, and let's have good time. Also, I wish Will@betheboy the best, and I won't mention the dirty, dirty terible things my readers have suggested about the slackmistress. Sorry, Miz Slack, but you're hot. Will, get better soon, bo.

Who is up for some type of gathering in the spring? I'll cover the dwelling in SC...coastal with an ocean view...

That being said, Moe's friend Joel? Duke '07. Nuff Said. I think he may have played backup percussion for Arcade Fire...

I kid, I kid...
Damn it all, I forgot Blu. My bad.

CDP - Honestly...I would love to hear your impression and put it up against mine. I take no offense...who the hell cares? Really?
I only wish I could I offend... Could someone teach me?

Ditto, just about every thing JT just said. (i.e. Slack = hot, good time = Caveman, and anyone going to Duke.)

Hey, I'll hop on a bus anytime...
I am secretly working on a coastal Spork Nation trip...patience.
JT did you just offer up your house as part of a CDP get-together? That's cool. And slightly nuts, maybe, no?
Okay, now that I have dismounted my high horse (I just wanted to use the word "mount.")

Thank you. And FWIW, I agree with the idea that it's weird to think that in this day and age people pick up something that's known to kill you, although the one thing that's hardwired in our DNA is the propensity to make stupid choices.

Will is getting better, although he had an "alien" moment today where he spooged from his stomach. However, he he convinced it wasn't an appendix but a second penis growing inside him. See his current guest post on my blog for details.

JT, who are these people that proclaim my hotness? Don't forget that while I'm a word prostitute, I'm a Hollywood word prostitute, and my ego can always use a little stroking.

There, stroking and mounting in one comment. I'm never going to be able to, erm, beat that.
Istead of a group hug, which I won't do because then you all will press up against my breastesses but pretend you're not actually trying to do so and afterwards you won't be able to look me in the eye, I offer you this small token, a bit that I wrote three years ago but still cracks me up:
I love Fred Fredburger. He's probably a blast to write for...
Another happy ending here on the CDP.

Thread over.
Maus - Yes I did. Come one, come all. I have plenty of room. On the beach.

Ms Slack - I apologize, but maybe it's your fault..still, hope that Will feels better. Stop being hot.
Mizz Slack - Be happy. I have heard many a dirty word about you. What matters is that Will = good, and you = still mad hotness. I should go to bed. Stop being hot, and make sure that Betheboy is comfortable.

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