Wednesday, April 16

5 Easy Fashion Tips For The Lazy Bastard.

DOUUUUUUUUCHE!
(I like to wear a blazer around the house so the cats don't judge me.)

Like most guys out there, I don't like to try very hard when it comes to the clothes I wear, but I also prefer to make an effort to not look like I'm missing a chromosome. Here are a handful of easy tips that I follow when it comes to keeping it classy.

1. Never underestimate a clean, white collar shirt with a narrow tie and jeans. It works for almost every occasion, and people will notice that you look slightly less homeless than usual. A simple go-to outfit when you're unsure of the manner of dress for a dinner or night out. Make sure your jeans are long enough to cover the laces on your shoes, but not long enough to trip over. If you can't tie a tie, go here or ask your Significant Other for assistance. Don't wear a black t-shirt under the collar shirt; keep it white and tight.

CDP-Approved Examples:
BKE 'Tyler' Jeans - The Buckle - $72
White '1MX' Shirt - Express - $59
Assorted Narrow Ties - Express - $39
Fitted White 'Stretch' T - Gap - $16

Blaze On, Bitches.
(Disregard my complete and total lack of pigment.)

2. Every guy should own at least one nice blazer. It works with slacks and jeans alike, and can be worn over almost any graphic t-shirt or solid-colored collar shirt. A painless way to feign effort when you're lazy; I usually keep a black blazer in my car, just in case. When you're looking for the proper fit, hold your arms straight out to your sides, and the sleeves of the blazer should be about an inch higher than where your wrist bone is. Anything longer makes you look like you're wearing your Dad's clothes. Keep it fitted and make sure the pinstripes aren't a noisy deal-breaker.

CDP-Approved Examples:
Black 2-Button Stretch Wool Jacket - Express - $198
White 2-Button Stretch Wool Jacket - Express - $198
All-Wool, 2-Button Black Blazer - Men's Warehouse - $230

Black And Tight 24.
(This is the 300th time that I've used this photo, huzzah!)

3. White socks make you look like a tourist, and match almost nothing. Convert to black and simply keep a few pairs of the white socks around for when you're exercising or hanging around the house. Never wear white socks with black pants, and God help you if you wear them with sandals (in fact, just never wear sandals, ever). When in doubt, always go with solid black.

CDP-Approved Examples:
Classic-Ribbed Black Socks - Gap - $6

I'm Extremely Intoxicated Here.
(I was extremely drunk when this photo was taken, so...yeah.)

4. This all means nothing without a decent belt, watch and pair of shoes. Just keep the belts black, the shoes scuff-free and the watch polished. Also, go with leather if you can stomach it; when it comes to belts and footwear, I don't screw around with cloth and hemp. Wearing a watch that isn't set to the correct time is worse than wearing no watch at all; this happens to me all the time, and women constantly notice that kind of stuff. It makes you look disorganized and lazy.

CDP-Approved Examples:
Assorted Belts - Express - $34-$39
Any shoe by Skechers; they're cheap, sharp and never seem to wear out.
I've been wearing Fossil watches for years; they're amazing.

Or A Wife, If You Must.
(This is the face of justice and halfway-decent tastes.)

5. When all else fails, get yourself a girlfriend. This is the easiest way to make sure that you never leave the house looking like an extra in a David Fincher movie.

CDP-Approved Examples:
E-Harmony

To recap, by purchasing just one pair of jeans, one pair of slacks, two ties, three collar shirts and a black blazer, you've essentially improved your wardrobe by dozens of mix-and-match outfits that will function under a multitude of social settings. Keep 'em wrinkle, lint and spot-free, and you're pretty much set for the rest of the year.

Don't say I never did anything for your dishevled ass. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Comments:
I'll take this as a hint.
 
All I've ever seen from you is that sweet, sweet beard, Caveman. And you want to know what's wrong with that?

Not a Goddamn thing. Whooo!
 
Well, I dress like a cross between a homeless Vietnam vet, and trendy young professional who is on his day off.
 
lots of green and hooded sweatshirts
 
"I dress like a trendy young professional who is on his day off."

That's hilarious and oh-so true for me. When I'm at home, it's hoodies or graphic t's, and that's IT.
 
That picture of Hathery is making my eyes hurt.
 
Just keep staring at it...soon you will grow to love her.

I had to resize all these images at work, so they're a little more wonky than usual.
 
It bothers me to no end that in that one photo I can see that mannequin's ribs, and it appears that the bottom of the bikini is a diaper-like garment similar to what sumo wrestlers wear.

Good fashion tips. My husband takes his style cues from Alton Brown, so there are a lot of bowling shirts in his closet.
 
MAUS - That bathing suit is, in fact, completely hideous. And the mannequin, too.

CDP - Oh, don't get me wrong, Hathery is always a sparkling bowl of beautiful: it's the colorization on that photo that hurts.
 
MAUS - I think it was Bo Derrek's bikini from the movie '10' or something. I can't remember anymore. All I know is that I wasn't supposed to be standing next to it.

I bought myself a couple of bowling shirts in High School when the swing revival of 1997 struck. They were never worn again.

EMILY - Agreed. She put a weird Photo Booth glimmer on it.
 
This post also doubles as 5 easy ways to recycle photos for the lazy bastard (Yes I'm aware that I recycle content all the time so don't point it out).
 
Indeed. I wrapped this post up at work, and all I had to work with were the photos already in my Photobucket account, so I ran with them.

When I want to post something, I can't muster the patience to wait until I get home and take new pictures.
 
My look is generally the 'lazy "I'm too Goddamn awesome to care what you" teenager', but that usually consists of a white t-shirt, plain jeans, a belt, and a skimpy thong.

I don't get out much.
 
Is there such a thing as an un-skimpy thong...?

Or are you talking about "flip-flops"?
 
Mannequins are NOT supposed to have visible ribs. Yikes! No wonder eating disorders are so prevalent.
 
DUFF - The t-shirt/jeans combo is a tried and true classic. I'm outfitted as such for approximately 16 hours a day.

SHANE - Indeed. I want to say that the whole thing was a replica of a specific person from a specific film, but I can't remember who. In any case, it was disturbing all around, and I couldn't pass up the photo-op.
 
It is indeed a headless mannequin of Bo Derek. I don't remember what movie it's from though.
 
...who is, in my opinion, one of the most overrated women on Earth when it comes to beauty. Bo Derrek was never attractive.
 
The e-Harmony link takes me to Fossil watches, so I'm guessing my soulmate runs on batteries and makes great time.

And the Kids in the Hall are going to be on tour! I wee'd in my pants this morning at the news. The schedule is on their MySpace page.
 
MAUS - Hey, I know a lot of people that have battery-operated soulmates, but I'll just leave it at that.

Yes! I was reading The Onion a couple weeks ago when I saw they were going to be in Madison, and I about lost it.
 
They have 2 shows in Madison. I'm trying to scrounge around to find someone to go with me to the show near me, but few of my friends have my sense of humor (and my taste in music), so it's a daunting task as usual.
 
I hear you. I few years back, I actually purchased a nice poster on ebay that was created for one of the KITH live appearances. It's purty, and will be framed and eventually hung in my new office this Summer.
 
if it wasn't for my wife, I would always look like a 30-something computer nerd. Which I am, but my wife it determined to make sure that I never look like one.

God bless her.
 
I know what you mean. There came a point a few years ago where I stopped finding novelty t-shirts with nerdy sayings on them funny. I mean, I enjoyed seeing them on other people (still do), but they just didn't work for me. At that point, I knew I had to make a change for the good of humanity.
 
I should send this to my fiance so he'll get the hint. I love him, but jeez he needs to get out of the fashion rut that he set back in college. At least he pulls together presentably when we go somewhere nice.

But if I do send him this, I run the risk of receiving pissy/snarky comments all day. Decisions, decisions.
 
Wait...Kids In The Hall on TOUR?!?!? YES!
 
Buy him some clothes. Eventually he'll get the hint.
 
KAREN - Shane's right. Or, the next time you go shopping together, just make him try on an outfit that you think he'll look good in. Once he sees himself in it, he'll be more prone to agree with you.

A subscription to Esquire doesn't hurt, either.
 
Shane and CDP - I'll try that. :) He's one of those guys that's hates shopping, so maybe if I do some of it for him it'll be a win-win situation.
 
Oh man, guys that hate shopping are the perfect candidates to be dressed up by their significant others. They're like a cat wearing a sweater; utterly defenseless.

That guy will be dressing sharp in no time.
 
The cats in sweaters analogy makes me think of the lolcat in the froggy bonnet.
 
Just find out his clothing size, and you'll have control of him forever.

I can go into a store, see something on the rack, and immediately know it will fit Ryan.
 
I wear a size 'Hobbit.'
 
Hathery - why do I have a mental vision of you wringing your hands in fiendish glee when you say "Just find out his clothing size, and you'll have control of him forever"?

muahahahahahahaha.
 
Does it really come through that transparently on the internet??? :)
 
Wait...people still wear watches? I think I left mine in a drawer with my monocle and bowler hat.
 

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