Thursday, April 10

I'd Like To Five-Star You In Performance Mode.

Any fantasies of me becoming a Nerdcore artist vanished completely a few days ago, when I laid my eyes upon the above (fan-created) video for 'Nrrrd Grrrl' by MC Chris, who manages to say everything that I've ever wanted to say in a rap song in just under three minutes. Watch, listen, allow yourself to be amazed and find yourself humming it constantly on your way to work. It's my new favorite song, and I've already listened to it 10 times since Tuesday.

When I went to Geek Kon 2007 last year, I kept my eye out for a girl like this. A girl like the incomparable Jean Binnel on Friday Night Lights. I wanted to see if my interpretation of the Perfect Geek Woman was actually attainable without compromise, fibbing or cosplay.

I learned something that day, and it's a similarity that both the girl in the MC Chris video and Jean Binnel share, besides the cute hair, emo glasses, flawless tastes and everything else that makes them beautiful and worthy of my relentless stalking.

These women don't really exist.

They never did. There's no such thing as the perfect geek girl. You're lying to yourself.

Jean Binnel is a fictional character on Friday Night Lights, played by the versatile and charming Brea Grant. And that girl in the MC Chris video? Well...I don't know what she does for a living, but it sure isn't wearing a Boy Scout uniform and forcing Star Wars figurines to kiss. Most women who look like this couldn't care less about graphic novels and video games, and merely turned geek culture into a fashion. On the two occasions that I thought I had stuck oil, one girl was gay and the other one was a drug addict. That was the day I realized that geeks and ravers look stunningly similar at first glance, albeit polarizing when it came to musical tastes and the dilation of their pupils.

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'What about the Missus?' While the Missus is indeed the perfect woman for yours truly, she'd be the first one to tell you that she doesn't fit this category in any regard. She's not a geek; she's a punk. She takes clogging lessons, stomps my teeth on the curb when I deserve it and doesn't care about what you have to say concerning fashion. That's hot in a completely different avenue; she has chunks of geek girls in her stool, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My point is rambling, mainly because I was just looking for a way to share that amazing MC Chris track with you, but it should be considered a public service to not embark on the expedition to nowhere that I've launched a hundred times, looking for something that's not real.

And if you are real, please contact me with photographic proof, and I'll write a song about you.


Holy crap, that may have been the fastest first comment in CDP history. This was seriously within 30 seconds of publishing.

Have a haiku, on the house.

Kenny likes to be
The first on the CDP,
Because she digs me.

I've been to four Comic-Cons, you can find my name on a piece of manga (it isn't good, mind you) in a well-stocked comic shop, the worst part about breaking up with The Animator is that I had to leave my World of Warcraft guild (but I got to take Battlefront 1 & 2 and the XBox), I quote Venture Bros liberally, have been paid an assload of money to write fart jokes, and I met my husband through blogging.

I also wear glasses.

These women exist, primarily in San Francisco.

(FWIW, I can also throw a punch, hit a baseball, and deadlift my body weight. And have a pit bull. So that may throw people off.)
I was all ready to come in here and be all "Shit son, I'm an awesome nerd girl and here's why..." but then slackmistress came in and was all "I am your god."

So, yeah, I'm going to bed now. Defeated.
Yeah. I was going to reference my MySpace and Facebook and love of comics & sci-fi and various other whatnot as proof of my at least middling geek status...but I, like Emily, must concede any and all geek cred and bow down to the Slackmistress. Well played.
Hmm, the 'Slack Backlash' came earlier than expected this morning.

Allow me to tell you that you're all far more multi-faceted and complex than the one-dimensional, impossible caricature that I've invented for myself. It goes without saying that it's not something you want to strive to be; I've conjured up a fantasy woman that could only exist in a Nerdcore video, and wouldn't be nearly as interesting if she were standing right in front of me.

That's really the point of the post (as is the point of most of my posts), me ruining something for myself. I respect you all far too much to compare you to such a pigeonholed creation. Yeah, you're all nerds, but you're nerds with good jobs. Families. Interests that lie far outside the reaches of geekdom.

In short, if you're reading this, then you're probably too good to be the Perfect Nerd.
Everyone still gets a personalized haiku though, because I like you.


Write me a screenplay;
Make it nothing but fart jokes.
Leave your glasses on.


I'm starting to think
That you really don't exist.
Will we ever meet?


America's Wang
Seems slightly more appealing
When Maus is around.

Hell, here's one for the Missus, too.


Clog lessons tonight;
Leaving me alone and scared
With a small hedgehog.

The hedgehog will be alone and scared, too, so you'll at least have that to share.

"I don't give an F! I'm a punk!"

Honestly, I'll be out drinking with co-workers tonight. The hog will be in charge of the house until one of us gets back.
By the way, if you ever catch me sporting a bandana or a faux-hawk like those embarrassing douchebags in the video, BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ME.
"I don't give an F! I'm a punk!"

One of Amy Poehler's few funny moments. wanted a bandanna just a few weeks ago and I had to talk you out of it.
That was because I wanted to be a Nerdcore artist. That dream is over now. Stop living in the past, man.
Oh, was that it? I never know with you. I thought you just really believed bandannas were cool, and I didn't know what to think of you at that point.
I lack the confidence to make it work. I think ladies look cute with them, though.
CDP - Don't lie, you wanted that bandanna so you could start flagging.

Don't deny your inner desires!
Damn, I didn't realize that there was such a complex and coded infrastructure to sexual desires. I'd be checking that reference sheet constantly, like a baseball manager. I'm a sheltered boy, it would appear.

Furthermore, I had no idea they even made bandanas in so many different colors. What if you really want a brown one, but they only have lime green in stock? That'll ruin your night!
Flagging? Wow...I mean, wow...
Wow, indeed.
This is why I stick to t-shirts and jeans; I don't need to worry about my attire leading to some dude pooping into my mouth. I've got enough problems already.
I dunno--those jeans are pretty tight around the bum. Might give the wrong idea.
You are a liar, CDP.
These women DO exist.
I've made it my life's goal to scour the earth in search.
If they cannot be found there is no chance I'll ever be happy again.
(I'm chartering a steamboat mid-August)

We all have to agree that Will won the freaking jackpot on that one.

The search CONTINUES!
HATHERY - True. What can I say? I like to flirt.

CAVEMAN - It's okay, buddy. We're going to make it through this revelation together. You're chasing ghosts.

I must admit, as I was jotting this down last night, I kept thinking to myself, "The Slackmistress is pretty damn close." I realized, however, that in my thin opinion, she more resembles The Missus in that they shy away from genre-definition and typically possess more depth, logic and complexity than the traditional 'Perfect Geek.' They embrace and support the culture, but also have no problem watching SportsCenter, throwing lavish dinner parties and swinging elbows at concerts if someone's up in their grill.

Again, that's beyond 'Geek Sexy.' That's just plain-old 'sexy.' Will and I both hit the jackpot.

I didn't find the Perfect Geek, I found the Perfect Woman.
CDP - Although you do make a lot of great points, I cannot completely give up the idea.

Perhaps the super woman I should be searching for is a Hathery/Slack style lady.

She shall be known as Cavewoman, and she will know how to make crepes.
Will she wear a toga made from animal hides that she stitched together herself?
Well, she's got to match mine.
As a mixed-martial arts fan, I know that even a world-class wrestler or boxer doesn't stand a chance against an evenly well-rounded fighter. Being amazing at one thing will only get you so far.

The Perfect Geek represents nothing but a singular outlet for my lustful id; a girl that exists solely for my enjoyment, fun and excitement. It's girls like this that are best left in fantasy, because they are a certain letdown after a few weeks.

Sure, she'll watch MST3K with you all day and taste like Dr. Pepper lip gloss all night, but see if she'll do the laundry or hit the gym with you the next day. Not happening.

The 'Hathery/Slack style lady' is a black belt in Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, has a strong striking background, and these one-trick nerd ponies don't stand a chance.

I'm proud of myself for weaving Nerd Girl talk with MMA. They're two of my favorite things; I owe myself a sub sandwich.
$5 at Subway.
See rant in 65 Poor Life Decisions for why it's simply not worth it, even for $5.
"Subbin' It Up"

Subway isnt a generally pleasant place.
Quick story for the CDPeons about why I'm the perfect woman:

When I was in first grade, Sherry and I were (like now) best friends. She was (like now) very very small. She and I were in different classes in first grade, but we had recess together. A boy named Brian punched Sherry in the nose during recess, making her cry and her nose bleed a LOT. There was a trail of blood leading all the way from the playground to the health room. I, being the awesome friend that I am, took it upon myself to let Brian know the score. Once I got back from escorting Sherry to the health room, knocked Brian to the ground on the playground and proceeded to kick and punch him until he himself cried. I told him that if he ever touched Sherry again he'd have me to deal with. As he lay cowering on the ground, his face stained with tears, I kicked him one more time and told him if he ever told a teacher about this I'd kill him.

And that's what makes me an awesome wife, friend, and woman.
"If you find that violence isn't the answer, obviously you're not being violent enough."
Wow, that is kinda hot..
The CDP has truly won the awesomeness lottery.

(I'm off to class. Good day.)
Yep. Even at 7, I was awesome.
CAVEMAN - For $5, I'll suck it up.

HATHERY - Remember when you did that for me, like, a week ago?
Well, if you'd stop punching sherry in the face I wouldn't have to.
I'm beginning to think Hathery and I should run off together, although I worry about Laika and Daisy's need to eat small creatures.
Well, I'll be in my bunk.

I just watched that clip of Daisy this morning, and that's quite the amazing canine you have there. Real adorable-like.

Laika eats mealworms, and the tiny crunching sound she makes is so cute that I want to crush her.
CDP - What I love about flagging (other than my ability to pick up fellow hardcore BDSM practitioners without even talking to them, of course) is that so many hipsters these days wear variously colored bandannas in their back pockets. And they have no idea. I'm just waiting for the day when some clueless scenester gets whisked away by a big, burly bear of a man for some fun and watersports.


I'll be in my bunk...
B-But it's not fair! What if I just like to wear brown bandanas? WHAT IF I JUST LIKE TO WEAR THEM!?!

It's probably for the best. I've been asked if I'm gay a few times in the past, and while it doesn't bother me at all, I don't need to be asking for it, you know?

But if I had to pick one, it would probably be Grey Flannel. Everything is better with a nice suit.

Except getting whizzed on.
I'm beginning to think Hathery and I should run off together, although I worry about Laika and Daisy's need to eat small creatures.

Well, she'll have had a good run...

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