Friday, April 11

We Can't Start It Again For Thirty-Seven Hours.

Calibrate your signal to mine.

Today, 65 Poor Life Decisions became available at many retailers nationwide, including Barnes & Noble, Target and Amazon (click the links for proof, yo). As I will not be breaking ground on my next book until June at the earliest, it's good to know that I'm still getting fresh mileage out of my debut.

Friday, April 11, 2008, will hereby be remembered as the day that award-winning blogger, author and humorist Ryan J. Zeinert became a millionaire. I'd like to thank all the little people; midgets in particular. The first thing I'm going to do with my newfound free time is to go to every Target in Wisconsin, ask them to order 10 books for me, and never come back to claim them. That way, whenever I go to a Target with friends and relatives, it'll look like 65 Poor Life Decisions is flying off the shelves.

People keep asking me what the next book is going to be about, which always stuns me. They act like I've been hoarding a Sci-Fi epic or period piece about postwar France in the Middle Goddamn Ages. I can assure you that the next book will be another steaming batch of personal tales drenched in failure, rejection, goofy nostalgia and getting hit in the pants with a clown hammer. Only this time, they'll be funnier, longer and more expensive to purchase.

Also, it would be nice to not have to handle my own distribution and accounting, so I'm working on the technical aspect of things as well. When I first started writing, I didn't think that I'd be walking stacks of hand-packed books to the post office 4 days a week, only to save every receipt and log all purchases into the most complicated Excel spreadsheet ever devised by man. I think that I've probably cheated myself out of a billion dollars through Auto Sum formula errors alone.

Which reminds me. I have exactly 4 (four) copies of 65 Poor Life Decisions left at headquarters, which means that I will only be able to personalize and directly handle four more orders. Once they're gone, Lulu and the other listed retailers will be the best way to buy the book, although they will not be autographed or contain any free CDP merch. Click here if you forgot what the process was to order a piece of history.

Tomorrow night (Saturday), the Missus will be seeing Hanson(!) in concert, which means that I will be free to any and all suggestions that you may have concerning extracurricular activities in the Greater Madison Area. Let me know if you wish to have me make an appearance somewhere; preferably somewhere that makes a good Manhattan.

Thank you for reading. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

The Hanson must be explained.
Does anyone even know any Hanson songs, apart from Mmm-bop or however you spell it?

They are the ultimate one-hit-wonder band, inspiring crappy bands for many generations to come.
CARROT - Oh man, you're going to be in so much trouble! Expect to learn everything you've ever wanted to hear about Hanson shortly after the Missus discovers this comment.

DOMSAR - In short, she was invited by a friend, but I'll let her do the talking.

I heard a rumor that ISLANDS will be rolling into Madison on April 19. I'm there.
Shoooot - don't tell me about Excel formula errors. I handle the management of in excess of five million dollars in funds. (Meaning both electronic transactions - transactions where the only thing that changes hands is paperwork - and actual "cash"...and who would've thought that the actual currency aspect is a lot more complicated as far as accounting and tracking than the behind the scenes kind.) We have over thirty individual accounts, just in my unit, and many of those are broken out further into projects and programs, which requires ledgers and sub-ledgers in addition to our actual budget tracking program, which is an Oracle application. So, yeah. Feeling your pain. Of course, half of the staff I have to work with can't even create the simplest spreadsheet, nevermind the formulas, so...

"NKOTB" (*shudder*) are back together and touring. I suppose I'd rather see Hanson, if given the choice.

Speaking of touring - Flight of the Conchords are on tour and they will be in Milwaukee on May 11th.
MAUS - All that Excel talk was turning me on. Talk nerdy to me!

You can only look at that stuff for a few hours before your brain melts and nothing makes sense anymore. I can rock Excel, but yeah, having to go back and correct a mistake is about as complicated and worthless as Chinese Algebra.

Unlike NKOTB, the Hanson boys can play instruments and write their own songs. Even I know that their 'boy-band' classification is extremely unjust. Then again, I thought that Taylor was a girl when I first saw the 'MmmBop' video, so what do I know?

Aww's business time.
I really don't need to dignify the Hanson thing. Anyone whose ever actually listened to anything thing they've released in the past 10 years would know that they are an incredibly talented band.

The Clash had radio hits and throngs of adoring fans, too. Better burn their albums.
I told you, dude! I told you!

She's not really mad, though. When we first started dating (back when she was 16 *gulp*), her room had Hanson posters and stuff everywhere.

At least it wasn't Chris Hanson, though! Am I right, people? High five!
Well played, CDP. Well played.
No, I'm not mad. I just think it's idiotic because people think Hanson was like a Backstreet Boys or an N'Sync or something, when they are a legitimately talented group of musicians who write throwback rock'n'roll music. Sometimes at shows, Taylor plays the piano so hard that his hands bleed all over the keys.

But they aren't musicians or anything.
I like how over on Dane 101, they're in the midst of a huge argument concerning a Conservative speaker that visited campus and was treated somewhat rudely by the Liberals in attendance.

Here on the CDP? We're arguing the musical merits of Hanson versus the Clash, and I just accidentally incriminated myself of statutory rape.

I have the best hobby in the world.
I think even Ryan would choose Hanson over the Clash. BOOYAH!
I honestly don't like the Clash. I know that may damage my punk cred or whatever, but I find them to be overrated. The stuff Joe Strummer did post-Clash always struck me as more dynamic.
Hathery- SO with you in spirit. I don't know why I didn't end up going and getting tickets myself.

So what's this about cutting loose tonight? Anyone? I'm wound pretty tight right now.

Things we could talk about:

1) I've been Netflixing the ess out of Kids in the Hall in anticipation of them coming in 2 weeks (and I'm actually going to see them), so we could talk about how much they rule. 30 Helens agree.

2) I forgot the other thing, but anyone can fill in the blank here.
Correction: I mean tomorrow night, I guess.
Kenny, you're not GOING?!?! Is Daniella going?!?
KENNY - 30 Helens agree that I could see if we could set something up for tomorrow.
Heh. Taylor would have made a pretty cute girl, and I think most people thought that when the band first broke. I was always partial to the littlest one myself. Not in that way, people!

There's nothing wrong with commercial success at all. But I just hate when people are all over something (regardless of the quality or merit of the "thing" in question) just for the sake of it being the "it thing" of the moment. Of course, they lose interest in a flat second in favor of the next trendy/hip "thing" that comes around. This is why I actually fail at being a "hipster" of any kind.

Don't get me started on how it's at all possible Vampire Weekend has sold a single ticket to any of their shows. {scowly face}

Now I'll go back to squinting at numbers and inhaling carpet stain remover fumes, as I have been doing all morning.
OMFG I'M TOTALLY GOING!! i won tickets through the isthmus. i'm skipping roller derby to go. this is how much i want to make LOVE to taylor hanson. i WILL seduce him. i had dreams about them last night even. that me and my buddy iris (who's coming with me) were hanging all up with them and were flirting and asking to see the tour bus. it was amazing. i'm so flipping excited.
MAUS - When I saw that Vampire Weekend sold out the High Noon Saloon in Madison, I said to the Missus, "They'll be completely irrelevant next year." They're just not good enough.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, anyone?

DANIELLA - Awesome. I hope you crazy kids meet up there.
Can I claim one of these four remaining books? I had wanted to get it when it first came out but was in the process of paying for a buttload of other things ...
I'll have to figure out if my parents would be willing to send you the money seeing as how I'm in London ... but I'll make it work, I want an autographed copy!!
G'damn it, the machine ate my comment. Let's try this again:

May I make a recommendation for weekend activities? You should totally come see Mercury's production of "Compleat Female Stage Beauty" which opens tonight at the Bartell Theatre. Seriously, it's a great play and the cast is stellar across the board.

I'm not just saying that because I'm in it, although that certainly makes the show more appealing. Plus, I play both a man and a woman during the course of the show. How do you even compete with that shit? You don't, that's how.

Read more about it here, plus watch an awesome trailer from rehearsals.

Bonus? You can still go see Hanson or whatever and see our show, because we run for three weekends. I know, I know: we're very generous.
Emily is as talented as Taylor Hanson.

My friend Lindsay saw Vampire Weekend in Milwaukee last weekend, and she said they were flat-out awful. They looked uncomfortable and kept screwing up, and she said the whole experience left her very very sad.

Wonder what prescious Pitchfork will say now after all it's little hipster sheep devotees herd into Vampire Weekend shows only to realize that they BLOW CHUNKS? Way to lead more people astray, Pitchfork. You suck.
Get thee to Roller Derby, cdp. I'm thinking of hitting the Derby first, and then Houses in Motion at the Majestic. (now can we discuss the merits of the Talking Heads [cover band version] vs. The Clash vs. Hanson?)

Seriously, we could all meet up post Hanson also....
CAITLIN - Not a problem whatsoever; get on it!

EMILY - I will certainly give it some thought. That trailer was nice; all intense and sexy, just like you. High five!

HATHERY - The Vampire Weekend album is good enough, but they just scream 'Sophomore failure.'

SWOONIE - I realized today that the Madison Roller Derby scene is home to dozens of 'Missus/Slack types' that were were discussing yesterday. So I'm interested, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Furthermore, is it Ladies Night at the CDP today? I'm starting to get all blushy.
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CDP: pretty much EVERY Roller Derby scene in any city is that way. Those ladies are tough. I had a co-worker who was a model (she and her sister were Coors twins at one point, or something like that), went through a divorce, moved to California, got a new boyfriend, and became a roller derby queen. Some of the stories she told were just crazy.
Mmm-hmm. These girls are probably a little too tough for me, but maybe they'd like to cuddle or something, maybe?
More like kick ya in the business and then cuddle?

And, hey, since you mentioned "Ladies Night"...where are the (other) men at today? It's all Cannibal Women in the Avacado Jungle of Death up in here.
Totally! I used to lament about how no women read the CDP, now I'm fending them off with sticks.

Sexy sticks. Made out of sex.

I have absolutely no idea how this happened (especially considering the bulk of my content), but this is one blogger who's not complaining. Perhaps I should do a 'Ladies Night' post every week, where we just talk about girl stuff, while wearing flannel pajamas and watching Gray's Anatomy.

Mmm-Hmm. Keep an eye out for that. I'm boosting my female fanbase.
I added a review on Amazon for you. Go see Cloud Cult tonight.
The Dane101 article is very nice, and goes to show all you haters that Hanson isn't just a one-hit wonder. I think I'm a more dedicate fan than Daniella though :) haha
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You magnificent bastard; thanks so much for the positive review. If I can convince my friends, I'll be seeing Cloud Cult this evening. At worst, I'll be picking up their album.
My bad Hathery. I'll admit that I've only heard one other Hanson song in my life, so it's just me being a narrow-minded chump.

And I just want to say the book was an awesome read. Anyone who hasn't bought one yet, should certainly do so now.
Hey, thanks so much, Carrot Duff! I really appreciate that; glad it got there in one piece.
By the way, a Bonus Point to anyone who understands what the title of today's post is referring to.

Difficulty: Not bad.
I just Googled it. pretty funny.
I is nerd.
I used to lament about how no women read the CDP, now I'm fending them off with sticks.

Mrs. Hoss and I were just talking about that phenom last night -- how all these women are hanging out on theCDP and the regular men aren't around.

As for me, my day job has become killer. I rarely have time to surf! It makes the day go fast, though.
No, I see no moral problem with Hansen having a commercially successful hit decades ago. That's not the source of everyone's disdain. At that time, i probably only really knew commercially successful music anyway. The problem was that out of all the music I knew, commercial and otherwise, MMBop was among the worst songs I'd heard. It was teeny boppish and annoying, as were the look of the artists, who may or may not have been talented, it didn't matter... that song was not for me. So now I don't know any of their music, but if you tell me you loved MMBop, I have to assume their other stuff would annoy me as well... talent notwithstanding.
From this point forward, I will end every post with "...ladies?"

I know what the title refers to.

It's okay, Carrot Duff. You were what, 3, when MMMBop came out?!? *pinches cheeks*
They wrote MMMBop when the oldest member was like originally appeared on a limited-release recording later mass-released as "3 Car Garage." So saying that you're annoyed by MMMBop is basically saying that you're annoyed by a song written by a 7, 9, and 11 year old...*shrugs* Blame Mercury Records for releasing it as a single, not them for being kids that wrote songs.
"I Google therefore I nerd."
Congrats, man!
Hathery, you truly amaze me with your love of Hansen..I commend your un-understandable loyalty.
It just occurred to me to remind everyone here who doesn't have kids that Hanson, whether we're necessarily for or against their musical offerings, beat the crap out of what's offered by Nickelodeon's "Naked Brothers Band" as far as actual talent goes.
A Dundee

was thrown

at a plasma.

Simply Awesome.
The premiere of The Office was just brilliant acting all around by everyone at the dinner party. I was in awe.

Surprisingly, another good SNL. Ashton was decent (he typically is), Gnarls Barkley tore the house down and there were very few weak moments. I think their last sketch was one of the most tasteless (and hilarious) skits they've done in years.
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You know, I had something to say.
And then I read every single comment here.
And now, I'm looking up Hanson.
Thanks, Google.
We have a sort of hypnotic, low culture power here.
Apple has become a Hanson fan.

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