Wednesday, July 2

"Put That In Your Blog, Barbecue Boy!"

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Chapter 1 - 'Ladies Night.'

I want to send out a sincere thanks and gentle kiss on the neck to the 26,000 of you that visited the CDP in the month of June. This was a new record for theCDP.net, and I'm extremely appreciative and terrified. If I were lucky enough to meet all of you in person, I'd assuredly run the other way, certain that a full-scale zombie attack was imminent. I might even shoot a few of you in the head.

Apart from that, if just a small portion of you were to subscribe to my feed, join my Facebook group and say hello in the comments section, I'd be a happy and visibly semi-erect man. Thanks in advance.

Moving on, I also think that we've officially reached the gender tipping point here, with women triumphantly outnumbering men in terms of traffic and overall communication with yours truly. I credit this statistic mostly to my sensitivity, approachability, Pac-Man memorabilia collection and alluring musk.

Furthermore, I've taken a passing glance at the lion's share of my female fanbase, and I've got to say that the CDP, without question, has the most attractive and intelligent audience in the entire Blogosphere. Proverbial horn-rimmed glasses and pixie cuts as far as the eye can see. Thanks for spending time with me, even though you're probably only doing it as a joke to crack your friends up. I've been there a time or two; just try to let me down easy at the bowling alley, and driving me home would be nice, too.

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Chapter 2 - 'Lump Sum.'

This week, I received some extra cash from my place of employment after finally settling on a budget, approved backpay and long-overdue raises. Where is the money going, you might ask? Well:

1. $39.90 to renew the CDP domain for another two (2) years, virtually guaranteeing that you can depend on theCDP.net for all of your entertainment needs until at least July of 2010. After that, all bets are off, and I'm selling to the highest bidder. The concept of the CDP becoming a hardcore porn site after I relinquish ownership is too funny not to pass up.

2. $200.90 on two (2) new tires. As you many recall, you need to have decent tires if you want to properly minimize your death potential behind the wheel of an automobile. Imagine that.

3. $87.00 for six (6) tickets to The Dark Knight's IMAX premiere on Friday, July 18. I don't think I recall ever being so excited for the release of a film. Leave it to Christoper Nolan to create something brilliant where there was once the rubble and faded glory of the Batman franchise. What few reviews I've seen so far proclaim the film as nothing short of perfect.

4. $37.00 for one (1) bottle of Jameson 1780 12-Year Whiskey. Dee-lish. I've noticed that, unlike every other digestible liquid on Earth, there are no Nutrition Facts on liquor bottles. Hell, a snifter of Maker's Mark might be bursting at the seams with vitamins, for all we know.

5. $50.00 for two (2) months worth of 'casual day stickers' at the office. I'll pay top-dollar for the privilege of throwing my khakis into the closet for the remainder of the Summer, and what's more, all the money goes towards the office barbecue. You literally cannot go wrong.

6. The remainder goes towards paying off the bar I purchased when we moved into the all-new CDP Headquarters, and probably a mini-fridge to compliment it. Walking to the kitchen to retrieve materials that will be walked over to the bar for preparation seems a bit counterproductive, and I'm all about efficiency when it comes to hosting a party and mainlining poison into my esophagus.

Money spent; disaster averted.

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Chapter 3 - 'Pink Sweater.'

FACT: A pink sweater will instantly make any woman appear more attractive, no exceptions. Alternative theories will not be explored, and all anti-pink sweater criticism will be ignored.

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Chapter 4 - 'Link Party.'

Here's what's going on around the horn in the CDP Network.

1. Pointless Banter is giving away concert tickets.
2. Jesse Russell remembers the Dead Milkmen.
3. The Lost Albatross fights for James Madison Park.
4. Nicole Hilbelink gets bit by a dog. Seven times.
5. Be The Boy celebrates Crappy House Day.
6. The Slackmistress continues her Nerd Crush competition.
7. Vintage Caveman recalls his Nerd Crush.
8. Bruce Dierbeck gets gored by a deer. Almost.
9. Reese cleans up her apartment.
10. Pork Tornado gets engaged.

Cut it. Print it. Run with it. I'm outta here. Enjoy your day.

Comments:
A pink sweater will instantly make any woman appear more attractive, no exceptions.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but this, right here (points at self) is the exception to your rule. There's always one, and I'm honored to be it.
 
We're a network now? Where's my network swag?
 
EMILY - Wear a pink sweater around me, and just watch me get all awkward and grabby. You may think it doesn't work in a personal fashion sense, but it'll sure as hell work for me.

Try it someday. I'm beggin' you.

WILL - No money and ad revenue. I'm hoping this changes in the near future (shhhh!).
 
I'm glad I survived my neer-deer (not to be confused with Near Beer) attack, to witness my CDP Network inclusion! Looking forward to familiarizing myself with everyone else on the list.

PS: Pink Sweater Cat is an instant classic.
 
I think I have worn every color of cardigan sweater but pink. Go figure.

I do love cardigans and would not be opposed to pink one. And I wish I could find my horn rimmed glasses. I think one of my students stole them because they were so cool.

I just don't fit in anywhere. :(
 
By the by...thanks for the mention of my little blog. I am working on updating it more frequently, and I have some rather hilarious stories of personal humiliation in the words.

Coming soon...my adventures as a new vegetarian, my love for nut rolls, and how I met my husband on the internet.
 
I like pink sweaters. But I look like a huge ball of amusement park cotton candy so I refrain.

Thanks for the blog mention.

And...THE DARK KNIGHT is incredible! I've seen it 3x already. Perfection it is. Ten minutes into it I got so pissed at Heath Ledger for dying...
 
Why am I not working for the state that's giving raises??
 
BRUCE - I've been linking you in the sidebar for awhile now, it just took me a bit to work up the ambition to update your blog's name.

I did a GIS for 'Pink Sweater,' and that cat was the first thing to pop up. The more I look at it, the more adorable it is.

HILBELINK - Nut Rolls are pretty amazing, I gotta say.

No problem on the link, by the way. It should draw literaly dozens of extra hits your direction.

REESE - You've linked to the CDP and you comment frequently, so you're hereby in the CDP Network. Easy as that, kids.

How have you seen The Dark Knight three times? Was this via illegal measures? I gotta know.

MAUS - Sorry about that. It was a long time a-comin'. I think we got a raise simply because we have to live in Wisconsin to work there.
 
Yeah, how the heck did you see the Dark Knight? This must be told, immediately!

I don't even own a pink sweater right now, Ryan.
 
Totally legit...I work for Warner Bros. Pictures
 
Really?? That's pretty darn rad. BTW, I just looked at your blog and you are adorable :) :)
 
REESE - I'm so ready for this movie.

That's sounds like pretty neat employment, if I may say so. I remember one CDP reader that worked for The Simpsons. As a midwesterner, I find that sort of stuff endlessly interesting, regardless of what actual work you do for the studio. I'd love to hear about it (not the movie; your job).

HATHERY - You don't need to be any more beautiful. One step further and I just might have to kill you.
 
As someone smarter than me (my wife) said: People won't pay you to blog but they might pay you to something else because of your blog. Things like writing a book of having sex for money.
 
WILL - Exactly. Running a halfway-decent blog gets your foot into doors that weren't previously open. Like the book or prostitution trade.
 
I work in Human Resources supporting our Pictures and Consumer Products divisions (approx 1,500 people worldwide). The perqs are SWAG and screenings - yay =)

It's not the sexy side of movie-making; but they pay me...

Hathery ~ compliments get you a Dark Knight poster! With the Joker or without?
 
I haven't gotten the prostitution offers yet, but I did just get the go-ahead to write a cover story for Isthmus. Which is pretty cool, I won't lie. They'll probably ask for the sex next, though, if I know how independent weeklies roll (and I think I do).

As for the pink sweater, I think the main problem is that nothing I own would match me wearing one. It looks comical because 1) I'd likely have to match it with pinstripe pants or jeans and 2) I would act incredibly awkward while wearing it.

But hey, if you ever get 'round to have some sort of Atari-a-thon at your house and invite us plebes over for it, I'll see what I can do about digging up a fully matching, pink sweater involving outfit to parade around in. If nothing else, it will be hilarious.
 
REESE - I think I speak for Hathery (aka The Missus) when I say 'Joker, please!'

theCDP.
PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI
53590


Goddamn, that just made my day. You rock for sharing the love.

EMILY - Way to go on the Isthmus story; I'm really proud of you! I've always enjoyed reading your local journalism, and I'm all for anything that puts it in front of a local audience, even a publication that has said no to my services on two different occasions.

If you show up at my house wearing a pink sweater and tight jeans...you know what? I'm not going to complete this thought for a public audience of thousands. I'm a married man; quit messin' with my brain!

The 1st Annual CDP Retrocade Grand Prix is going to happen sometime in the next couple months. You can tell that I'm serious about it because it already has a name.
 
Women, money, women in sweaters, and a link to my blog...

I think you just made my day CDP...
 
Caveman, I was actually a bit hesitant to post this stuff today, as I thought that the main focus (noticing women and spending money) was a little outside of the typical CDP voice; perhaps making me look a little too much like a 'dude,' and perhaps even a little misogynistic.

Yes; I actually debated for a second if the Pink Sweater thing was sexist; that's how prudish and delicate I can sometimes be when addressing women. It sort of reminds me of the time when They Might Be Giants shot the 'Birdhouse In Your Soul' video, and they didn't know if it was sexist or not to have the female actresses wear lipstick.

I'd hate to be perceived in a way that forwarded the notion that I view women as nothing more than sexual beings in pink sweaters, even though that's reasonably true from time to time.

No problem on the link; you run a decent blog over there in Maine.
 
@theCDP- I adore you honesty, CDP..
I believe the no one could possibly think less of you because of your honesty.

It's like a blogging idol of mine says all the time:
If you put yourself out there 100% of the time people know you and know your intentions.

The absolute last thing I think of when I think of the CDP is miogynism. You are genuine and I understood what you were going for the second I saw the picture of the cat.
 
Yeah man, and that's the exact reason I used the cat photo in the first place. Thanks for getting it.
 
Dude, chicks are hot, whatcha gonna do?
 
C'mon, sexisim makes it easier to determine things that women are no damn good at like drinking scotch and playing the drums.
 
...that women are no damn good at like...playing the drums.

Hey! I resemble that remark.
 
WILL - Be honest with me, now. Nina owns herself some pink sweaters, doesn't she? I totally bet she does.

EMILY - Damn hot chicks, makin' me do things!
 
Actually CDP she does not and Emily, I kid but you know that.

Remember kids, all generalizations are stupid.
 
Correct. And Asians can't drive.
 
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And Asians can't drive.

Don't you mean Canadians?
 
This always happens eventually.
 
Nina drives a pink Mini though so that's like a bajillion times better.
 
Substituting a pink sweater for a pink MINI is completely acceptable.
 
Ain't no thang, Will, we're on the same page. :)

Also, if Nina were to wear a pink sweater while driving her pink MINI, I think our collective skulls would explode.

Don't test that theory, it could get messy.
 

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