Thursday, August 21

10 Olympic Events That I Might Be Able To Win.



With the incredible 2008 Summer Olympics winding down, it got me to thinking about my own skills and weaknesses. Watching these one-of-a-kind physical specimens break records and do the impossible made me begin to question what my personal, one-of-a-kind talents happen to be. The things that set me apart from the pack; the things that I could be the best at, and not even know.

Here's what I came up with.

These are the 10 physically and mentally taxing activities I believe I can do better than anyone on the planet, and compete on a global scale therein. Once these events are finally (and justifiably so) instituted in the Olympiad, I'll be the USA's best hope for gold since Mark Spitz's mustache gave birth to Michael Phelps' lovechild. Here we go.

1. Determining if anything in my office has been moved a quarter of an inch, and correctly identifying the guilty party for questioning.

2. Urinating without making any splashing sounds in the bowl whatsoever. This talent is heightened between the hours of 1-5am.

3. Attracting the unwarranted attention of lonely psychotics at the supermarket. This talent is also heightened between the hours of 1-5am.

4. Stealthily retrieving the mail in my boxer shorts without being seen and subsequently arrested by local authorities.

5. Predicting when a lightbulb is going to burn out within two hours (Note: This event, due to length of competition, may have to begin months before the official start of the Olympics, or even years in the case of a fluorescent bulb.).

6. Knowing the exact moment when the water softener runs out of salt, by the sole act of washing my hair. I consider this talent to border on telekinesis, and I have an open challenge pending with Uri Geller.

7. When my cat throws up, I can hear it at work. There's got to be a way I can harness that gift, even if we can't make some sort of contest out of it.

8. Watching Schindler's List without crying.

9. Watching Norbit without crying.

10. During all the swimming events that took place last week, I kept hearing announcer Rowdy Gaines say things like, "This guy is the greatest breast stroker in the world!"

I beg to differ, and I'm ready to step up. 2 tha' streetz, if need be.

Sound off in the comments section, share your Gold Medal talent and enjoy your day.


TOMORROW: I'm Caught By Google Street View.

Comments:
Whenever I go back to my parents' house I can tell immediately if my mother has left the television on because I can "hear" the electronic whine (my mother often will leave the tv on after watching a dvd, just turning off the dvd player with the black input screen on the tv). The conversation as I walk in goes something like:

ME - "Hi Mom, I'm home. How have you... THAT DAMN TV IS ON AGAIN! Did you watch a movie last night because the goddamn tv is on again, I can hear it!"
MOM - "Yeah I watched (insert shitty McConaughey romantic comedy) last night but I know I turned off the tv. I always do."
ME - "No, you don't. You never do! Can't you hear that? It's driving me CRAZY!"
At this point I'll run down to the basement and shut off the television, then go back and inform my mother the tv was in fact on.

So I predict gold in this "talent" and possibily bronze in being somewhat disrespectful to one's mother. I can think of no other field in which I could achieve world recognition.
 
Great talent, and a good example of the types of things I (hopefully) hear from others today.

I know what you mean. I'll sometimes come home to find the Missus reading on the couch, television 'off,' but with the Power button glowing green.

"You have to make sure everything is off, dear."
 
EMILY - How was the Pub Quiz?
 
#2 - I'm game whenever you want to compare wenises.
 
The only one I have a chance with is the Norbit one. I caught the latter half of that movie once and shook my head in disbelief many times.
 
MOE - The challenge begins. The rules are similar to Olympic Diving.

IZZY - To me, an Eddie Murphy movie marathon (Vampire In Brooklyn and beyond) would be the most sadistic form of torture imaginable.
 
CDP - It was actually a lot of fun. Interesting format and some challenging questions. Our team came in second, but only to the team of our friends (one of whom also happens to have been a contestant on Jeopardy at one point), so I didn't feel too bad.

Also, one of the answers was actually "Jesse's Mom."

Also also, I can hear that damn TV whine, too. I'm told that younger people tend to be able to hear it, but that at a certain point in life you lose the fine hearing ability to pick it up and so that's why it doesn't bother our folks.
 
Exactly. As you get older, those higher frequencies disappear. The Missus' dad can barely hear the phone ringing, not due to an overall deafness, but just because of its specific frequency.

Do you remember seeing that article in the UK a few years ago about how they were trying to cut down on teen loitering by blasting ultra-high frequencies that only younger folks could hear? I guess it works like a charm.

That's nice about the Pub Quiz. We celebrated a wedding anniversary last night (that I completely forgot about until about 5pm). I'll try hard to be there for the next one.
 
The next one's all about music, so yeah, y'know, be there or be square.
 
Oooh, any specific theme?
 
I don't think so, but I could be wrong. I think it's a general knowledge sort of thing, including name-that-tune and other such goodness.
 
Giggity.
 
3. Attracting the unwarranted attention of lonely psychotics at the supermarket. This talent is also heightened between the hours of 1-5am.

You could maybe get the silver in this, but the gold is all mine.
 

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