Friday, August 8

Reports Of My Life Have Been Greatly Exaggerated.



Despite what some of the e-mails and phone calls directed my way will have you think, I haven't drank myself to death. I also haven't committed suicide, I haven't had a complete psychotic breakdown, I haven't checked into rehab and I certainly haven't grown another beard. When you little scamps get together, you're worse than a sewing circle. And how on Earth did some of you get my phone number?

I do, however, love urban legends, especially when they have to do with yours truly, so for the sake of carrying on a good story, I will not confirm or deny rumors that I got briefly arrested last weekend in the midst of a Whiskey Manhattan-induced fit of rage.

What I did do was throw my laptop in the garbage and drive to St. Paul in an attempt to drink myself to death, commit suicide and/or grow a beard, none of which was carried to fruition, I'll have you know. In fact, my time there was so nice that I came back feeling fairly refreshed. It probably had something to do with the massaging shower head in my riverview suite; it did wonders on my stiff neck and nearly knocked me on my ass upon our first introduction. I'll never forget the times we shared, Room 923. I'm sorry you had to see me naked so much.

I sincerely want to thank everyone for the well-wishes, concern and kind words while I was away finding myself in one of the most beautifully underrated cities in the nation. I'll respond to everything just as soon as I visit the landfill and get my computer back. I could go on about the reasons and arguments why it was necessary to disappear, even for such a short time, but I'm sure you care not to know. What's important is that I don't fall out of love with writing, and I'm making the necessary steps to avoid the inevitible messy breakup.

First off, I'll be posting a little less. This may stick in your craw a bit (wherever your craw happens to reside), but it's quality over quantity; ignoring traffic trends and writing one good essay instead of four poopy ones. I've been a slave to the hit counter for way too long, and it was hindering my ability to write a decent essay. You'll get better stuff to read, and I won't have to cry myself to sleep so much. It's a fair compromise.

Secondly, I came to the conclusion after months of stressing out about writing another book, that I flat-out didn't want to write another one right now. I'll come back to that when I'm good and ready. I can't deny that I'm a better blogger than author, and I need to stop pretending that I'm merely blogging to tread creative water while I write the Great American Novel. I can write books whenever I want, for now I'll focus on being the funniest bastard in the blogosphere.

Third...wait, that's it. I'm done. In fact, I don't ever want to talk about this again. All you need to know is that I'm back, I'm once again staking my claim of the Internet, I'm refocused and I'm out for blood. My attempts to self-destruct only made me stronger and solidified my lifelong mission to make everyone on the planet whazz in their collective pantaloons.

The CDP officially returns Monday. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

Comments:
Phew. It's a good thing. Will was convinced that the Internet touched your weiner or something.
 
Godspeed, sir.

I'll be back with more irrelevent comments in a week. I'm going to Greece now.

Chow.
 
Let me know when I can start making Chris Hansen jokes about your disappearance.

Welcome back, Ryan.
 
I love how Carrot Duff can just do that so nonchalantly...."I just got back from France!" "I'm going to Greece now!" "I'm taking my rocket-powered submarine to the moon this weekend!"
 
SLACKIE - True story; the Internet did touch my weiner, but then gave me a Ziploc bag of silver dollars to keep quiet about it.

We're still not on speaking terms, but I'll get over it.

DUFFIE - Ciao.

GREENIE - Hey, thanks. And if you see a guy that looks a lot like me on the next Dateline special, kindly chalk it up to coincidence, 'kay?

HATHERY - No kidding. If we went to Greece, it would be one of the highlights of my freaking life.
 
CDP -- welcome back. I'm glad your little sanctuary did you some good

Duff -- Part of me wants to hate you, but I'm just jealous. Then again, everything is so close in Europe that "Hey, I'm heading to France for the weekend" is possible. From Middle America, it would take at lest six months of prep.

BTW, I'm already sorta starting my next CDP mix. I have a bunch of songs that I have been thinking "I need to put that in the next CDP Mix!". So I've just started grouping them together and will sort them out later. And, yes, I'm a dork.
 
HOSS - That's awesome that you're working on the next CDP mix, but I think you'll once agian be surprised by the theme. I think it'll be the best one yet.

Course, it doesn't arrive until late September, but you've gotta be prepared.
 
I've spent the last few weeks compliling the absolute best of Usher for my next mix.




Still pissed I missed the last one.
 
agian = again.

Got to get on board for the next one, Blu. It should be awesome.
 
I'm not entirely sure why, but I think "whazz" may be my new favorite word.

Also, welcome back to the moist, warm folds of the internet!
 
EMILY - I'm so turned on right now.

Good to be back. I'm currently preparing for 14 straight days of Olympic coverage. I have my DVR set to critical mass, my computer set to the 24/7 feeds and my schedules neatly printed out. I love the Olympics like a fat kid loves cake.
 
Also, welcome back to the moist, warm folds of the internet!

EEEEEEEEEW!
 
Backstreet's back - ALRIGHT!

Welcome back :)
 
Thanks. And I promise it will be 39% less whiny!
 
While you were "out"...

1. Brett Favre became a Jet.
2. Europe offered LeBron James $50,000,000...per season to play basketball.
3. BluStaCon came back.
 
My (brief) opinion on the Farve thing is that it was the best compromise that could be made under the circumstances (albiet very surreal for pretty much every football fan), and I'm really looking forward to seeing Brett play another season of football.

That LeBron story is pretty incredible, and it reminded me that the Chicago Bulls paid Michael Jordan 33 million dollars for the 1997-1998 NBA season. I mean, who better to get that sort of cash, but my goodness.

I'm glad Blu is back; we just need to get JT back in here for business to start picking up again.
 
CDP, when you left it's like I lost a large Wisconsin-y part of me and for a second I felt slightly (for lack of a better word) buttery...but that's besides the point.

Welcome back

(The internet gave you silver dollars? The internet gave me silver dollars...)
 
Thanks, Caveman. Hopfully I can get back to filling the cheesewheel-shaped crater that my sabbatical left in your heart.
 
The hole in my heart was curd-shaped.
 
I'm assuming that you meant 'turd-shaped.'
 
Yes, it WAS turd-shaped...as you were missing from it. HAHAHA!
 
Of course you mark your triumphant return when I'm away from my computer on a rare day off spent whiling away the afternoon caressing sea creatures and fainting over the price of the new line of Coach bags.
 
I was actually pulled back in by the huge gaping hole caused by your departure.

There I was, training up my young jedi, when a massive disturbance caused me to lose my breath and I had to sit down.

I know! freaky huh?
 
I'm new here. I've just read an interview you did with some newspaper. I admire you and I envy you and a little part of me kinda hates you. But not in a particularly negative way.

I wish I had a wife with a hedgehog.
 
MAUS - Sorry about that. It would have been more courteous of me to call you beforehand with a heads-up. "Clear your schedule, Baby Panda!"

BLUSTACON - Unreal. I had the same feeling yesterday when the Missus finished the gnocchi alfredo while I was getting the mail. It was like I'd been punched in the adam's apple.

LA BETE - Hey, welcome aboard and don't be a stranger! After admiring, envying and potentially hating so many people in my life, it's good to have that emotion reciprocated every once in awhile. Perhaps it's just gas, though.
 
Well, I'm back now. I think I was a little blogged out and had to get back to some good old fashioned internet distraction. Games, I mean. Not Porn.

Apparently some red headed world traveler from England has taken control of all the internet's porn, Know anything about that?
 
I heard he won it in a poker game. He bluffed magnificently, as his hand consisted of a two of clubs, six of diamonds, a 'Draw Four' UNO card and two 8x10 photos of John Stamos.
 
I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a wife with a hedgehog, I would call her.
 
That 'Draw Four' will always get you..
 
Emily rules for dropping a Skee-Lo reference. That has to be at least 13 years old.

CAVEMAN - The Draw Four card is what won World War II for the Allies.
 
I respectfully disagree, A pair of Stamos is damn near unbeatable.
 
love the Pulp Fiction quote and love your blog (:

(I'm new to all this)
 
My hedgehog made an appearance at my Pampered Chef party. She pooped on the floor. It did not make a great impression for her.
 
BLU - A pair of Stamos' can only be beaten by a Royal Coulier.

HAIL - Hey, welcome aboard and don't be a stranger! Thank you for the kind words; please stick around!

HATHERY - I'm just glad that the hedgehog sort of broke the ice, so it wasn't so embarrassing when I did the same thing minutes later.
 

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