Monday, August 11

Who Wants To Date An Internet Has-Been?

There are very few things about me that I would classify as 'attractive,' and that's not due in part to the self-deprecating nature of my personality, either. I'm just aware that I'm a fairly average guy. Average height. Average build. Average income and social status. Mediocre teeth. Fair-to-good fashion sense and adequate shoe size. Acceptable taste in music, food, film and the fine art of smooching. I've accepted long ago that my face is sitting smack in the middle of the Bell Curve. Hey, someone's gotta do it; might as well be me.

There's nothing too wrong or too right with yours truly, which possibly explains why most people refer to me as an 'average joe' writer. I'm easy to relate to (I hope), because I'm probably not better looking than you, and yet I'm not so repulsive as to be unable to view directly for more than three seconds without tasting bile. Story of my life, really: always surrounded by enough ugly people to not get pummeled, yet always around enough attractive people to not get laid.

Or, perhaps people refer to me as an 'average joe' because I have nothing of interesting importance to say and look like I should be managing a bait shop in Alma, Wisconsin. I'm going to assume it's the former, for the good of my future.

I have flaws, no question about it. Braces did very little to straighten my teeth out, due in part to me following approximately 1/100th of the proper care and maintenance instructions relayed to me by my large, intimidating, Asian Orthodontist ("You wear retainer? You lying!"). I'm about as pale as Edgar Winter with cancer, a trait that was passed down by my Mother's side of the family; an entrepreneurial group of people that valued white-collar business sense to anything that even vaguely resembled the outdoors. My anxiety requires loving patience, I cannot cook and I could stand to lose ten pounds. Oh, people say that I have a funny walk, too.

So, after all of that, what do you presume that I find to be my most alluring physical and sociological attributes?

Well, I'm pretty good at mini-golf, I'll tell you that right off the bat. My sense of humor is fairly broad (I've never understood people who appreciate only one type of humor; I'll watch Best In Show and Wipeout in the same night and find them both hilarious), and if you hang out with me, I'll make you laugh at least once or die trying. I take pride in not being a neanderthal, I value not looking like Buddy Ebsen (unless it's Halloween), and I think my neck and chin are very structurally sound, displaying an aura of masculinity and strength unparalleled by my tiny wrists and passive-aggressive annoyances.

That's pretty much it. Oh, and my 11-inch penis. Almost forgot.

Spend enough time with me, and if you're even halfway-decent at reading personalities, you'll see my good and bad points almost immediately (this process is accelerated when I'm intoxicated). I smell nice, but I curse a lot. I'll buy you a drink, but I'll probably be really deliberate about it. The more comfortable I feel around you, the more nice things I'll do for you, but the more I'll end up trying to offend you to see where your limits are (this is the only fun I typically have at parties). At the end of the day, however, you could do a lot worse.

You're probably asking yourself, 'What is this douchebag rambling on about?'

This is what I'm rambling on about.

The above screenshot comes to us from Facebook, the biggest online mistake I've made in the last four years (until that point, my biggest online mistake was discovering that 'Pain Olympics' video where that guy chops his ween off). It should be noted that I never wanted to get into 'Social Networking,' but I signed up for Facebook last Summer so I could get the word out about 65 Poor Life Decisions. That's right, I joined Facebook to sell more copies of my book, and I'm happy to say that it worked like an absolute charm. Every other aspect of it can shine my taint like a 2009 penny. This is the same reason you don't see me on MySpace, Twitter or anything else that's simply in the business of uncreative communication.

"I'm at the supermarket now! C-YA!"
"Why are hamburger buns so expensive these days? Grrr!"
"I just shot a black man! Lolzerz!"

Regardless, somewhere along the line I was suckered into entering this 'Social Profile' nonsense, which makes your name available to other friends who wish to 'rate' you against others under a variety of categories, such as 'Who's Hotter?' and 'Who's Child Would You Rather Abort?' Hard-hitting queries like that.

Really, one of the primary goals of Social Networking is to see to it that High School never ends for those who peaked during those late teen years. Funny thing is, a quick search of all of the popular people from my High School reveals some of the saddest and most rapid descents from greatness since King Lear. The women that I found so beautiful and untouchable at the age of 17 are now disgraceful rednecks with equally disgraceful redneck husbands; each wearing baseball caps, reeking of Miller High Life and working a crease into their personalized barstool for all of eternity. They will sit in their hometown until Judgment Day, retelling their story of past greatness to anyone unfortunate enough to wander into earshot without an exit strategy. These people eventually become aunts and uncles, and I'm sure you have a few of them in your family as we speak. Hell, maybe you are one of them, I don't know and I barely care.

I find that hilarious. Makes me glad to know that I was borderline-retarded for the first 21 years of my existence. After the roller coaster of Life drops down that first awesome hill, none of the other ones can ever be as high. It's basic physics.

I was never popular, but I was never spat upon, either. I was the type that could wander away from my core group from time to time and fit in wherever I went. I'd bet that approximately 75% of my graduating class would remember me, and out of that group, 85% of them would remember me with some degree of apathetic fondness or indifference. I'll take those kind of odds any day, and so would you if you had the chance.

But back to this goddamn Facebook thing. Typically, I have all Facebook-related e-mails forwarded straight to the Spam folder, but I opened this one up for whatever reason and viewed the 'Dateable?' statistic. Like most of us, I laughed it off at first. I even was optimistic about it.

"Wow, four people clicked 'Yes?' I wonder who they were. That was awfully nice of them."

But after...I don't know...say, six seconds of that nonsense, I got really, profoundly depressed. In all honestly, this was one of the most apparent and glaring admissions of public worthlessness among my peers that I've ever received. To put it another way, if you were in a room with 27 other people, and when asked who would be interested in dating you, nobody raised their hands, wouldn't you feel like running out of the room and bawling your eyes out in the stairwell, wiping away your tears and smeared eyeshadow on the corners of your seafoam dress? Not one person out of 27 wanted to take a chance on me? Doesn't anyone complete these surveys drunk anymore?

I calmed myself down. Surely, there was a perfectly good reason for this. Perhaps most people selected 'no' because I'm a married man. Perhaps they were classy women that wouldn't even consider the unlikely possibility that I'd ever return to the dating market again. Perhaps they were showing respect to the Missus. Perhaps I was being compared alongside of unbelievably good-looking men like Jesse Russell and Bruce Dierbeck, and hadn't a prayer against their photogenic and pheromone-gushing ways. Surely, there was some sort of intangible, some foreign variable that affected the decision apart from "I just plain don't want to date this dorkface."

For the eight-hundred billionth time in my life, something as superficial as a Facebook application has turned my world inside-out. If I'm an average guy (as previously theorized), then that number should be approximately 50/50. Not 87/13 (yeah, I used a calculator). If Facebook is correct, and the word of the People is correct, then I am significantly below average when it comes to being anything even resembling a catch. When did this happen? When did I go from 'Likable Average Joe' to 'If it were down to you and Tom Arnold, I'd still probably have to flip a coin?'

Back to this in a minute, because there was one other stat on that chart that killed me.

Out of the four people kind enough to say that they would date me if given the opportunity (actually, if truly given the opportunity, that number would presumably taper off even further; everyone wants what they can't have), only one woman gave a reason for the approved selection, being that I was 'Funny.' I assume that the other three had very complex theories as to why I'd be a suitable prospective mate; my clean STD record and delicate musk being just two of what I'd argue are dozens of reasonable examples. Whoever the girl was that took the time to offer an explanation, I sincerely thank you and love you.

I also know that it wasn't the Missus who did it, because she thinks I'm one of the least-funny guys on the planet. The last time I made her laugh was when I made a fart noise during a commercial for the 'Rascal' Scooter. She's very refined.

So, what's to make of this? Well, most logical folk will say 'nothing.' I, on the other hand, am only logical concerning the problems of others. The fact that I've written thousands of neurotic words on the subject is a good indicator of this truth. Facebook says that I'm unpopular, unfunny and less desired than about 70% of the World's population. Nobody wants to date me, nobody wants to talk to me and nobody wants to tell me why. Remember my brilliant High School analogy from before? Well, it's beginning to feel so much like 1997 in here that I can hear Savage Garden's 'Truly, Madly, Deeply' gently wafting out of my computer speakers as I speak.

Only now I can drink myself into unconsciousness legally.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week. Get your free and completely un-dateable CDP Desktop Wallpaper right here.

A couple of thoughts:

1. I think you mean self-deprecating instead of self-depreciating. However if you've gotten into the good bourbon, you may indeed be worth less financially.

2. IME, people don't say they date married people. We all know it happens, of course If you want to be treated like a ho, try MySpace.

3. I don't have that app but I have some "Compare People" thing and while I rank well for things like "hotter" or "good body" or "famous" guess where I rank almost dead last?


Cunts, all of 'em. I'd cut them if they dared sign their name.
I'm glad you're on the Facebook since that's pretty much how I found out about this site.

I ignore most of those Facebook applications. I believe you can go to the settings for each app and disable email notifications.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the undateables came from the fact that you are married, thus not dateable in any legal or moral sense of the word. It's not personal.
I'm pretty sure the undateables came from all your underage friends who didn't want to cause Chris Hanson troubles for you.

Okay not really. No one wants to date you because you're not a douchebag with an XXXL shirt who rides a BMX bike everywhere. Also, you don't spike/gel your hair like a guido and you have respect for women and intelligence.

Screw that. It was all the underages.
SLACK - Hey, it is self-deprecating! Thanks.

I'm just shocked that people would finally decide to use some logic and thought on the Internet when it came to whether or not it was morally correct to say that they wanted to date a married person. Never mind all the clown porn they were most certainly perusing shortly beforehand.

IZZY - I think I might have to do that, now that this Application has pretty much done the most productive thing it'll ever do for me.

DOMSAR - Again, we're probably all correct in this judgment, but...really? I always thought these surveys were hypothetical. Heck, me and the Missus used to leaf through E-Harmony together just to see what matches they thought were best for us. Good times.

CARGIRL - Even in complimenting me, you have to throw the pedobear thing in there. That's why I like you.

Did anyone see this last night?
I find it amusing that so many people take the time to answer those questions. Don't be so hard on yourself. (Ha! I said "hard on".)You can't believe everything you read on the internet.
You're taking a Facebook application to heart? Por que?? It's supposed to be fun. It's one of those things you do to waste time and try to seem cool. However "cool" is defined these days...Do the kids even use the word "cool" anymore?

I missed the men's relay, but I did predict a "France surrenders" outcome.
HILBELINK/MAUS - I'm not taking it too seriously, of course. The essay is all in good fun; the fact that I know it's stupid but I can't seem to let it go. Like professional wrestling.

The men's relay was awesome, the highlight of the Olympics thus far. I'm not a huge USA fan (in fact, I actively cheer against them when it comes to basketball, track and pretty much everything else), but...come on! The French were talking trash! To Michael Phelps!?! They do know that he's a cyborg, right? Dude has eight gold medals already, and could win six more by the end of the Games.
Aww, I missed it and now some surrender monkey has complained the the video has been taken down. What happened?!

Also, CDP, I wouldn't date you but only because the sheer force of our combined awesomeness might very well cause a rift in the space-time continuum. Also the Missus could and would probably beat the snot out of me.
EMILY - The clip was of the mens 4x100 relay last night, where they edged out the French by 8/100ths of a second and won gold. It was seriously awesome, and all over the news this morning.

Again, I always thought the online dating questions were hypothetical and not indicative of current relationship status. Of course I'm not to be dated in reality, but I thought the nature of the question was, 'would you if you could?' At least, that's how I look at those things.

That being said, me and you dating would be dangerous. This city would burn.

Find that 4x100 relay clip!
Actually, self-depreciating is correct. It's just another way to say self-deprecating. They're both in the dictionary :)

To make Ryan feel better, I showed him my Facebook "would you date this person" stats: 121 no's, 1 yes. And even THAT made me more desirable that 28% of people, according to the app's computations. hahaha!
HATHERY - "Self-depreciating is correct."

I figured I wasn't too far off; good to know that we were both right.

Yeah, the fact that the Missus was 1 for 122 proves the the app is a complete joke. Of course, this revelation would have more or less ruined my essay, so I ignored these facts when they were brought to light.

If you paid me a billion dollars and told me to find 121 people I'd rather spend my time with than the Missus, I would even bother looking. Ain't happening.
Woo, that was a doozie!
See? See? It was awesome! I jumped off the couch, scared the cats and everything.
Facebook applications suck? I can't wait until you blow the cover off of the differences between the way white and black people drive cars.
I see that tounge-in-cheek humor is lost on some. Sort of like how your sarcasm was just lost on me.
Sometimes, I'm pretty sure that Will goes to Duke.

There, I said it, and I feel better.
We need an HTML tag for sarcasm.
Emily's my secret girlfriend, pass it on.

I think that for the duration of the Olympics, 'Goes to Duke' should temporarily be replaced with 'Swims for the French relay team.'

And did anyone see UFC 87? GSP vs. BJ Penn; BOOK IT!
< online-sarcasm-doesn't-translate-well > ??
I agree. I can never tell when people are being sarcastic. I think we need to implement this tag idea.

{sarcasm} I wholeheartedly believe that Perfect Strangers was the best television show of the 1980's. {/sarcasm }
"Staaaaaaanding taaaaaalllll, on the wiings of my dreaaaammms..."
Emily's my secret girlfriend, pass it on.

This only seems fair for me, as my Boy, too, has a secret girlfriend who works at a local breakfast-type cafe. She is pretty cute, though, so I can't blame him. Plus she gives us scones.
Free scones = crazy sexy delicious.

Balky = from Meepos.
Ha! Perfect Strangers! Memories.

For the record, most things I say are dripping in sarcasm. My students never know if I am serious or joking. It is an awesome skill.
Lisa Turtle or Kelly Kapowski?

And why?
Lisa Turtle or Kelly Kapowski?

Or both - if you had a million dollars?

I can't believe how awful some of those "family hour" shows from the late 80s/early 90s really were, looking back on them. My Two Dads...Step By Step...Family Matters...{shudder}
I'd date you. I think you're absolutely adorkable!
I live by the maxim : All things are relative.

If I polled who was a better artist: Curt Kobain or Toby Keith in Seattle and Burmingham. Would I possibly get a different result?

The biggest qestion when it comes to ANY kind of polling is this: Is it accurate? The answer is NO. Simply because the average person that takes time to answer poll questions is:

A) Someone with entirely too much time on their hands and probably still lives with their parents.

B) Someone with an extremely narrow world view that really LOVES to share their opinions with everyone.

C) A douchebag, which is to say, both A and B

In my most humble unsought after opinion, the people who's opinion I would most care about wouldn't be wasting their time answering stupid poll questions.
Lisa Turtle - you could snap a quarter off that a$$

and that makes me a C!
Blu comes through in the clutch, once again.
@Hathery: True, but allow me to be an English nerd for a moment. Self-depreciation is the act of self-deprecation - it's a noun. Self-deprecating is an adjective (which in this case, modifies the noun "nature.")

There. In the honor of Dane Cook being alive while Bernie Mac is dead, I just stepped up and raped the corpse of my joke.

That's one to grow on, kids.
In the honor of Dane Cook being alive while Bernie Mac is dead, I just stepped up and raped the corpse of my joke.

I hope that comes up under Dane Cook google search from here on out.

After that, I would absolutely abdicate my secret girlfriend throne to the slackmistress.
HILBELINK - Yeah, awesome skill. Pwwwssshh.

MOE - Kelly. Tiffany-Amber Thiessen, for whatever reason, holds rare distinction in the CDP Hall Of Womanly Fame. I still think that girl is beautiful.

Although Lisa isn't without her elitist charm. And Elizabeth know.

MAUS - I caught a few minutes of Family Matters on Nick At Nite this weekend (proof that we're all old), and yeah, it was terrible. I really need to thank the British for saving us from the funk our sitcoms were stewing in for so long, even though 95% of our current stuff is just as bad.

MELISSA - Gaaawwww, thank you. Don't you dare be a stranger now; complimenting me and darting off behind the bushes like some lunatic.

BLU - I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, douchebag. :)
@Hathery: True, but allow me to be an English nerd for a moment. Self-depreciation is the act of self-deprecation - it's a noun. Self-deprecating is an adjective (which in this case, modifies the noun "nature.")

Yes--self-depreciation is indeed a noun. However, self-depreciating is an adjective. It's an alternate form of self-deprecating included in the Random House Unabridged Dictionary. When you look it up, the definition is "self-deprecating." They are synonyms, though one is used far more than the other to the point that it is excluded from most dictionaries.
I like where this thread is going.
Hey, you're talking to the one-time Knights of Columbus spelling champ here. haha.
(In response to the post*)

Like I always say, CDP: "maybe if I'm drunk...maybe if I'm drunk"

*because I have to clarify when I'm staying on topic now, or someone is going to think I'm being oddly poetic or something...
CAVEMAN - Thank you, sir.
Facebook just informed me that someone thinks I would make a dinner companion than someone else. Hooray for Facebook validation!
I think your comment was missing a few descriptive words, but I think I smell what you're cooking, nonetheless.
You are correct...a better dinner companion. I was so excited about learning this information that I could not bother to edit my comment.
I'm more of a brunch companion. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!
That sounds really familiar. Is that from a movie or something? Or have we had brunch together?
Definitely a movie. I can't think of it either!!!
It's actually called the The Douchebaggist and I'll shortform you to the top of the mailing list. This weeks topic is about late-merging near highway construction zones.
Simpsons did it! The line belongs to French bowler Jacques who attempts to seduce Marge in the episode 'Life on the Fast Lane'.
BLU - Without signaling? Prime douchebaggery, good sir.

MAUS - Dingdingdingding!

You're a nerdy, nerdy girl.
Thanks Maus. I am disappointed I did not remember that myself, especially since I have been watching an entire DVD of Simpsons every day for the past week.
Albert Brooks was truly at the top of his game as Jacques in that episode...

I believe the first season DVD has a section of him alibiing. Really funny.
alibiing = ad libbing
CAVEMAN - Indeed it does. Brooks, second only to Phil Hartman, was the best guest voice The Simpsons has ever had. Hank Scorpio will always be my favorite non-Simpsons family character of all-time, and he was only in one episode (the brilliant 'You Only Move Twice.).
Damn, I got really excited for a second when I thought "alibiing" was, like, the act of coming up with as many wacky alibis as possible.
Yeah, that part on the DVD with him ad-libbing is absolutely hilarious. I remember them saying it's really difficult to work w/ him because it's almost impossible not to laugh when he starts making things up.
The entire 'hammock' speech from the Hank Scorpio episode was 100% ad-libbed. Freaking hilarious.
'ryanmediocre?' Wow, did I just step out of a time machine or something?
Yeah...I kinda did a double take there, too. :)

I am going to have to check out that Simpsons DVD.
Ryanmediocre is so 2001; I don't even know where that came from.

Last month at Best Buy, I was asked to verify information on my Reward Zone card, and I was met with a phone number that looked vaguely familiar to me. I then realized that it was the number for the Larsen-Winchester Post Office, a place where my mom worked for about 20 years. If that was strange enough, the number had a 414 area code, which was changed to a 920 area code...12 years ago.

"How in the hell did you get this number?" I said. It was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. Why they had on record the phone number of my Mom's former place of employment with an area code that's been obsolete for over a decade in the place of my personal home number is the kind of mystery that keeps me up at night.

The last time that phone number would have been relevant was 1996, and I didn't have a Reward Zone card when I was 14. And even if I did, there's still about 10 different things that still make absolutely no sense.
I never cease to be amazed by the random, old-ass phone numbers and addresses that various businesses and other organizations manage to come up with for me. It's sometimes creepy: a church my dad hasn't preached for in over 7 years, and with which I haven't communicated or been to in over 8 years, still manages to track down my current address to send me things from time to time. And I've moved 6 times in those 8 years. WTF?
Same thing happens to the Missus; you can never leave the church, never.
I get junk mail for my parents sometimes at our new addresses...usually from AARP. It's like they check my credit report, see that I used to live w/ my parents, and assume that my parents moved with me wherever I moved. It's very odd...
Hathery- That would be pretty funnny if they did.

"You still live with your parents?"

"No, my
parents live with me"
Maybe the AARP folks are just gunning for us 30 years early.
See, now that's exactly what I'm talking about, right there.
That's awesome :)
New post tomorrow, kids. I'm trying out a 'two posts per week' schedule for awhile.
Sorry...I am not going to put a picture of you as my wallpaper. I only put on pictures of gay men so my husband does not feel insecure. Right now I have a picture of Libarace and all is well.
Based on how I look in the photo, I could pass for a gay man on an almost universal level.
Hate to break it to you, but I'm 99% certain that I was one of the "yes" votes.

Cousin Larry - don't be ridiculous!
I think it is more like "Don't be reedikuloos" :) I love it! TGIF.
JT's back! And somehow, the world makes sense again.

I didn't once stop to think that those four votes could have been from men. Son of a bitch...
Hopefully soon I'll be back for good. Working on a new system, for now I'm still using the roommate's.

For the record, my favorite Perfect Strangers episode is the one where Balki gets a checkbook and, not realizing that he needs money in the account to back up his writing of checks, buys a ton of furniture. Silly goatherder!
Oh man...that crazy Balki!
Perfect Strangers ran for 8 seasons, and their spin-off (Family Matters) ran for 9, giving the World 17 straight years of pure, unrefined crap.
Wait, Family Matters was a spin-off of Perfect Strangers? How does that make sense? Other than that they both sucked?
How did that work? I thought Family Matters was a spin off from Diehard.

Yippee ki yay Mr. Winslow!
I didn't know that was a spinoff either?!?
The character of Harriette Winslow was on Perfect Strangers for Seasons 3&4.
I know; isn't it weird knowing that Family Matters took place in the Perfect Strangers universe? Like, at any moment, we could have seen Larry and Balki eating lunch on a park bench or making out or something.
So Erkol could have been Balki's illigitimate son? The pieces are falling into place.
That spinoff information totally just blew my mind!
Spinoffs have always interested me for some reason. Another weird one was Empty Nest as a spin-off from The Golden Girls. Even though it wasn't touched upon for a few years, we later found out that 'The Golden Girls' lived across the street from the Weston family, and they eventually made cameo appearances later on in the run of the show.

Oh, and Happy Days was essentially a spin-off from a failed Love, American Style short. Most of the others are fairly cut-and-dry.

This is an obvious one, but a lot of people forget that The Simpsons is a spin-off, as it premiered as a series of shorts during The Tracy Ullman Show. In fact, The Simpsons is the longest-running spin-off in television history.
I did not realize Empty Nest was a spinoff from Golden Girls. I just thought they had some crossovers.

I loved that dog.
What was that dog's name? Dreyfus?

I couldn't enjoy Empty Nest, because I always pictured the guy's character from "Soap".
Beavis & Butthead was a spin-off from Liquid Television.


I just blew all of your miiiinds!
Frog baseball?
MAN I loved Liquid Television. Constantly watching Aeon Flux is how I developed my fascination with dominatrix couture and asymmetrical hairdos.

I also used to obsessively watch The Maxx. Does anyone else remember that?
Oh, indeed. I've got to write an essay about this stuff.
I loved The Maxx! That show was rad.

I believe the B&B episode from Liquid Television had something to do with a monster truck rally.
I wouldn't dart off if you didn't have a wife.
But she's adorable as well, and you guys are so cute together.
So....*dart dart away!*

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