Monday, September 1

In Dog Years, I'd Be Dead 60 Times Over.

Today, we celebrate the 800th entry in the almost 5 year history of the CDP.

For those keeping track at home, you'll know that since the launch of the CDP, I've averaged around 15 essays a month, which calculates out to about one essay every other day. Not too shabby from a kid that was told his short attention span would be the death of himohmygod, I have fudge in the fridge! I gotta go!

In honor of this momentous blogging achievement, I'd like to once again turn the soapbox over to you, the amazing CDP fans. Please sound off in the comments section and share with everyone some of your favorite CDP moments. They could be classic essays you've liked over the years, comments and conversations that you've enjoyed, being unbelievably privileged enough to meet me in person or anything else that the CDP has done to make your life a little more entertaining and tolerable since 2004. And hey, if you've been looking for a reason to jump in and start commenting, what better time than right now to join our phenomenal community? Without all of you, Post #800 simply does not happen.

Thank you. Please start the conversation in the comments section and enjoy your week. The CDP will return on Friday.


The Dark Knight goes $500M the same weekend as the CDP hits 800...can't believe you're trying to steal Our thunder. A damn shame.
Since I've been reading The CDP for about over a month, it's hard to think of a favorite moment. I'd say I just enjoy reading all the funny stuff. I think there was a line about a conversation with your mom and you said "You have a body count of 2 now" or something like that. That made my laugh.
As always, my favorite essay is Tackling Reggie White.

I also like the full frontal nudity pictures you frequently post.
Have always been, and will always be, a fan of the Lost Friday/Monday posts. The captions were the best - in particular, when Christian Shephard had 9 simultaneous heart attacks. Happy 800.
Facebook Funnies.

Where art thou!?

I have the catastrophic pleasure of going back to school tomorrow, so I think I'll mill around TheCDP for a bit to relieve my pain.
My favorite essay is probably the last one you wrote. After all, it's the only essay I've read since reading theCDP for about 2 days. :)
REESE - Sorry about that. I wish I had the second most-profitable blog of all-time, however.

IZZY - Thanks for the kind words. Hit up those archives for years of comedy goodness.

JT - Tackling Reggie White has always been a fan favorite, and I'm really glad I was able to share the story the way I wanted to. Speaking full-frontal, remember when I did that 'Ryan's Ween' side project a couple years back? What was I thinking?

EPHLAND - Thanks much. Lost Friday/Monday may be gone in its traditional sense, but I get the feeling that I'll never be able to fully stop reviewing that amazing damn show.

DUFF - I'm glad you liked Facebook Funnies, but according to the Missus, I was the only person in America who found them hilarious. Must be the dry, British humor that I was going for.

JULIAN - Thanks so much for commenting, and don't be a stranger! Stick around, get comfy and check out the archives.
The LOST photo captions were probably my faves ... the 'WAAALLLLLTTTTTT!' ones never failed to make me laugh.
Yeah, I have to say that the Lost related content was my favorite. I'll miss it. But I'll stick internet surfing habits are pretty well ingrained and hard to break. Plus, the love for MST3K here never fails to reaffirm my faith in humanity.

Mike Nelson has introduced an iRiff feature on the RiffTrax website.
CAITLIN - Thank you; I see no reason why those captions can't come back from time to time during Season 5.

MAUS - I also hope that maybe- just maybe- you get a kick out of my essays, too. :)

I'm all over iRiff, by the way. In fact, I'm thinking about just doing it here at the CDP if there's too much muddling and middling over at RiffTrax.
Since we're in the spirit of back-patting today, I just took a look at the latest 2008 Bloggers Choice Awards standings, and holy balls am I hanging in there:

Best Blog About Stuff:
Ranked #3 of 5526.

(Currently 41 votes ahead of PostSecret. Serves you right, ya' postcard-mailin' losers.)

Best Humor Blog:
Ranked #7 of 2529.

(Currently 2 votes ahead of The Sneeze! I took a screencap of that awesomeness, because it ain't gonna last too long.)

Best Pop Culture Blog:
Ranked #2 of 1638.

(Currently destroying such vacant, bankrupt abominations as Perez Hilton and many others in that vein.)

Best Written Blog:
Ranked #4 of 1125.

(Currently 48 votes short of toppling Neil Gaiman, but hey, who's keeping track?)

You guys are amazing. Thanks for voting; links are in the sidebar if you're interested.
Ah, so many memories with this blog. My favorite essay is probably the one with the chocolate-chip cookies. The first time I reflected on the standing of my life at the same time as trying not to attract attention to ridiculous laughing because I was in a public place.

Best memory? For sure writing a kick-ass essay for my final in English about theCDP. I got a 94! haha
BIG RED - I still have that English paper, by the way, and don't think I've forgotten about publishing it here soon. I found it to be awesome and flattering beyond what I deserve.

The 'Ziplok Bag of Chocolate Chip Cookies' essay was one of those spur of the moment things, and luckily for me, tons of you had experienced that same situation at some point. It was a life-affirming moment for yours truly.
I liked when the cats went on their dino-hunting adventure. But I don't even think those pics are up any more :(
Nope, they're gone forever, sadly. They were part of the infamous February-April 2004 'Dark period.'
Congrats Ryan, kudos even. Bravo Zulu. Essayons. blah blah blah

you rock
It's Blu!
Oh yeah?! Well, I've got 3 votes for "Best Political Blog" and a whopping 2 for "Best Blog About Stuff," so take that!

Clearly, I need to include more ween shots. That seems to work well for you.

My favorite essay? The one that always springs to mind is where you put your foot through a wall and hand in the toilet while trying to kill a spider in the bathroom at work. There's just something so friggen human about that (and hilarious).
Ween shots always bring in the hits.
BLU - I bow deeply in your general direction.

EMILY - 2 of those votes are mine, you know. :)

That particular essay took less than a half hour to write; I had all but dried my arm off when I ran back to my computer to crank it out. I wanted to do it quickly so I wouldn't lose that feeling of hopelessness mixed with embarrassment and the feeling that it might have been one of the funniest accidents of my adult life.

HATHERY - Somewhere along the line, I got my morals back. But only a few, and they're shaky to begin with.
Welcome back to school, kids! You should have seen my street this morning; all the students were migrating in formation like roaches. Freaked me out.

The of course, I got in my car and did pretty much the same exact thing.
Yeah, I'm having to adjust my sales route so that I avoid school areas around the 2:30 - 3:30 time.
I have to avoid them at all times, pending my court appearance.
I'd volunteer to testify as a character witness, but I'm not allowed within 250 feet of any state or federal building in Wisconsin.
Classes just started for me also...
Nothing is like sleeping till 12 o'clock on weekdays to 8 o'clock History classes on Tuesdays and Thursday.

Viva la college, bitches.
For two years, I had a music production class that was every Thursday from 6pm to 2am. The wonkiness of the schedules makes you wonder if they forget that one need to function properly in order to learn properly.
For two years I successfully arranged my classes so that I had zero Friday classes.

My roommates all hated me for that.
@JT - I can beat that... I've successfully arranged my classes this semester so that I ONLY have classes on Tuesday and Thursday.
Leaving 5 free days a week to continue growing that sweet, sweet beard.
Can I answer a few days late?

I love the Mixes. And the community. And when CDP and Hathery spar back and forth in the comments.

As a CompSci/Math major, there was no such thing as a day without classes. I actually liked having classes in the morning to just get it over with and then go back to sleep.
HOSS - This post is up until Friday, so you're not late at all. Thanks much for sharing.

I love the community, too. Mainly because it was the one thing about the CDP that was so completely unexpected for me. I had absolutely no idea that I would ever get such interesting and intelligent readers and feedback.
Me and the husband spar? Never! :)
Did I give you permission to comment, Hathery?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

You don't have to bow, really.

Every time you bow to someone, you're bending over for someone else.

think about it. You know I'm right.
I've always found that you're bending over for the same person you happen to be bowing to.

Or, if we can get all Shakespeare in here, 'Those who bow their heads run the risk of losing them.'
Ooooh - look at you, getting all intellectual and quoting The Bard.

And this is me exiting, pursued by a bear...
Best. Stage Direction. Ever.

< / nerd >
MAUS - Okay, maybe it wasn't Shakespeare. Maybe it was a quote from Jack Frost; arguably one of the worst films ever Russia, no less.

(Owns the original film.)

EMILY - You're officially being forewarned that Team CDP is coming to the Pub Quiz this weekend to reclaim our dynasty and destiny. This time around, I will not be drunk and moody, but tipsy and slightly focused.

Yeah. You'd better be scared.
When is it? What's the topic?? I scared.
It's the music one, silly. This Sunday at the High Noon.

Anyone else watching the Friar's Club Roast of Barack Obama? This is one of the more unintentionally hilarious and depressing things I've seen in quite some time. I don't recall the DNC having nothing to go on but insulting digs and elitist pomposity concerning their opposition. Way to take the high road.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for campaigning any way you choose, but this Convention is doing nothing but portraying Republicans as loudmouth, insulting, elitist, out-of-touch, brainwashed blowhards. If I were one of the many intelligent and educated Conservatives out there, I'd be supremely embarrassed of my party right about now.

Rudy Guliani must have mob ties, because that has to be the only way he's still alive after his 7 years of 9/11 pandering and worthlessness. Without question, and I say this under no political affiliation whatsoever, Guliani is one of the dumbest suit-wearing dickheads I've ever had the misfortune of living in the same age as. If I ever was close enough to him, I'd smack him with a pie before security tazed the whazz outta me.

He just said that the Conservatives were responsible for ending slavery. Do me a favor when you get the chance: Take a trip back to my hometown one day and ask the conservatives there what they think about slavery. They'll tel you they miss it. I know this for certain because I do it every time I go back.

Damn, Sarah Palin is a cutie. Insane, but cute, which is just the type I happen to be attracted to. It's a shame that she's a living, breathing publicity stunt to see how many women are dumb enough to vote for any woman thrust upon them. If I had ovaries, I'd be insulted beyond belief at the actions of McCain's party.

Tina Fey needs to return to SNL for at least one sketch, so she can play Sarah Palin. Or maybe she can just come to my house and do it for me in private. Oh yeah...that's right...tell me about how many guns you own, and how many moose burgers you've eaten, and how much you hate birth control...mmm-hmm...

I wonder if McCain's wife knew that she was responsible for cradling Palin's baby all damn night. Raw deal for someone that's had to wear a cast for the last god knows how long.

Palin has a kid named Track? Bristol? Willow? Piper? Trigg? Goddamn, that's reaching Demi Moore or Jason Lee levels of naming insanity.

Okay, I'm done here. I've got complicated chants to learn. Besides, I heard that Jesus was going to make a special appearance!

Peace out. I'm drunk.
I agree with the first two paragraphs. Every word. What the heck is this - a political campaign for the nation's highest offices or a lame attempt at standup?

He just said that the Conservatives were responsible for ending slavery.

Giuliani. UGH. Wanting something to be true doesn't make it so. And making crap up on national tv in an effort to grandstand won't make it true, either.

And all of Palin's children are to become symbols of her campaign. Mark. My. Words. Appealing to yuppi right-wing moms and all that.

I wish I was drunk right now. If I were to take a shot every time the words "terrorists", "9/11", and "maverick" were spoken in just the last hour or so, I'd need to be hospitalized.

When Guliani was done speaking, I was almost expecting Foster Brooks to follow him. Oh, his hilarious, drunken antics!
You know what I love? The fact that the GOP is acting like Sarah Palin admitting to having smoked pot is no big deal, but when Bill Clinton did, it meant he was a tool of Satan and a Commie.
I love that it's even an issue concerning someone's ability to do their job. If anything, we should be more worried about what's in those Moose Burgers that have clearly driven Sarah Palin insane.
And don't forget: Obama smoked crack (no he didn't)!

The whole thing is a farce, if you ask me. The Republicans could have legitimate issues to run on, but they keep bringing up 1) stuff that isn't true (ending slavery, for instance - the Republican party of the 1860's is a much, much different beast than its modern namesake), and 2) stuff that shouldn't matter (I don't care how many moose burgers she eats or how many dirt crosses McCain's captors drew for him).

Yargh. I missed Guliani's speech, but I'll hazard a guess as to how it went: Noun/Verb/911.
FACT: Moose burgers are delicious. So is Kangaroo.
Spot on about the legitimate issues. Joe Biden's statement that Palin's family and personal life will be completely off-limits was a nice touch, as it seemed almost everything at the RNC was just that.
1. Moose Burgers are delicious.
2. Sarah Palin eats Moose Burgers.
3. Sarah Palin is delicious.
I just thought of the perfect thing.

That Lost Friday review, when you purely focused on Jin's roundhouse kick. It was at the point in season three where it had stopped being quite as interesting as it used to be, so you regularly ripped the piss out of it. Those reviews completed my life for a short while.

Thanks for being so great.
I Believe You're Referring To This Lost Friday.

Yeah, Season 3 almost came completely off the rails, so it deserved to be completely decimated by me every once in awhile. That's what we do to the things that we love the most. Thanks much for the compliment, Duff.

And people wonder why more kids are getting their news from The Daily Show than almost anywhere else.
Hail to the Redskins,
Hail Victory.
Braves on the warpath,
Fight for old DC.
I know we're not supposed to talk about this, but I felt it needed to be brought up.

Imagine my horror when I uploaded this on TinyPic and they showed me the previews of all the effects possible. "Trippy" and "hellfire" made me cry.
Things may have been better on the CDP when I couldn't possibly care less about how big of an idiot I looked like.

Tomorrow should bring everything full circle, if I may say so myself.
I know we're not supposed to talk about this

WTH?! Whatever story is lurking behind that image, I feel it probably needs to be told. The more funny and/or humiliating the better.

1. I find it ironic that so many Creationists, Conversative Christians and various others that perceive the Bible to be the absolute truth, are gathering at an arena directly across the street from the Minnesota Science Museum. They should have popped in during the day and checked out the dinosaur fossils; they're breathtaking.

2. At the very least, the Star Wars stuff was pretty cool.

3. I just saw Hunter S. Thompson in the crowd. I have no idea how or why, considering the fact he's been dead for almost two years now.

4. McCain has 7 children. I guess that means that each of them will get one of his houses for themselves in the will.

5. Holy balls, his mom is still alive. She has to be 113 years old.

6. Big ups for McCain to show some respect to Barack. The crowd's booing and name-calling last night during Palin's speech was reprehensible and idiotic.

7. Who does McCain's wife look like? I can't put my finger on it...a famous musician or something. Maybe I'll figure it out as the speech goes on.

8. We now get our second and third protesters of the night; wow. Typically, you see that sort of stuff at the Democratic speeches, not the other way around. News flash, nutjobs; you're not helping the cause one bit.

9. Sarah Palin gets hotter every time I see her. She even looked like Tina Fey back in her Miss Alaska days. Last night, she made a joke that stated, "What's the difference between a Pitbull and a Hockey Mom? Lipstick."

My guess was 'less hair,' but I guess I was wrong. I thought it was a legitimate question.

10. "Barack Obama is an outsider! He has no experience! That's bad!"

"Sarah Palin is an outsider! She has no experience, and that's awesome!"

11. His massive jaw tumor seems to have been drained shortly before the speech. That's nice; I was seriously getting worried about him over the past few weeks. He's playing a perpetual game of 'Chubby Bunny' up in there.

12. Did you know that he's a POW? I didn't know if you knew or not, but he totally was a POW.

13. Not a lot of African-Americans in attendance tonight. Shocked.

14. This speech has been significantly more classy, issue-focused and strong, as opposed to Guliani and Palin's needless attacks and insults on Barack. Good on him.

15. Every handwritten sign in the audience was drawn by the same person and passed around. Do they think we wouldn't notice that? They do the same thing in pro wrestling; only wrestling fans are typically smarter than Republicans.

16. I couldn't see myself voting for anyone over the age of 70, unless I was over the age of 70.

17. Someone in the audience just accidentally applauded when McCain mentioned the name of a soldier that was killed in Iraq. Listen, people! You can't just start clapping every time he stops talking!

18. Lotta cowboy hats.

19. McCain says that everyone in America has something they can contribute. For me, it's my raconteur lifestyle and superior Missile Command skills.

20. Why not a boxing match to determine the Presidency? Or a duel? Or a breakdance-off? Or karaoke?

21. STRAIGHT TALK! So homophobic, these people. lulz.

22. These conventions sure bring out the creativity when it comes to rich people designing stupid hats to wear.

23. "How can this guy protect our country? He can't even comb his hair!"

It's thoughts like that which keep me from running for any sort of political office.

24. He didn't say 'Civil Rights,' he said 'Silver Rice.' Was I the only one that heard that?

25. Anyone who applauds after someone says something, 160 times in a row, is an idiot. It matters not what this person happens to be saying, political parties or otherwise.

26. He has the most terrifying smile I've ever seen. He looks sort of like Lon Chaney when he bears his teeth.

27. Drill! Drill! Drill!

28. Time for 'Sexual Metaphors With Sarah Palin!' The theme is 'Oil.' And...go!

I'd tap it and lower prices.
I'd drill it offshore.
I'd give her a cheap, renewable resource.

That's all I have for now. Sorry about that; let's move on.

29. McCain hates war, yet if it wasn't for war, he wouldn't be the Republican nominee right now. Weird.

30. I don't have enough alcohol in my house to make this any less boring. I'm going to bed.
MAUS - That was a photo that I took of myself in 2004 for a CDP post about how angry I was that so few people were reading. The Missus said it was disgusting, and she was right, but it was funny and sort of hypnotic, so I ran with it anyway.

True to form, the hits have been climbing ever since.
Aww. That's the story? Man. I thought it might have been juicier.

I did something similar tonight on my blog while I was watching the convention - just my thoughts as things progressed. All I could think of was the over-riding themes toward the end were a direct ripoff of the style and policies of the Obama campaign that the Republicans have been deriding for months - and that they attempted to downright ridicule in some very insulting ways in the last two days. Are people not supposed to notice that the campaign of "Nothing to see here, more of the same, George Bush is infallible, America! Hell Yeah!" has all of a sudden become concerend about "regaining the trust" of the American people, and "shaking up Washington"? I mean...this campaign - and in turn, the party the candidates represent - just seem so lost.
I don't get angry; I just make stupid faces into cameras.

Completely agreed about the RNC. I looked to the Missus last night and said, 'If the Democrats find a way to lose this one, they might as well just fold up as a party altogether.'

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