Monday, September 8

Shop 'Till You Drop (Or Stab Someone).



CDP Headquarters experienced an emergency last week, as we nearly ran out of Mojitos on a Friday night. This would have proven to be disastrous, as it's prohibited by law to head into the weekend sober if you happen to be spending the evening at my house. Like a flash of alcoholic lightning, the Missus, myself, Benjamin and Sherry hopped into the car and drove to the supermarket to get the many ingredients necessary to create this delicious and unbelievably complicated Summertime drink (seriously, it takes like, three months to make).

The Copp's Food Center down the street had almost everything we needed, but had just run out of mint shortly before we arrived (perhaps everyone in Wyndham Hills had the same idea as us). This left us with one of two options:

1. No Mojitos (unacceptable by any means necessary).
2. Travel to the...other...supermarket across town.

You know the kind of supermarket I'm talking about. The one with the fluorescent lighting that makes you slit your wrists with a cat food lid as soon as you walk in. The one where everyone seems to get gutshot in the parking lot. The one where every checkout girl is 10 months pregnant with a baby that's already 4 months pregnant. The one where Peter Cetera never seems to stop singing. Yeah, the trip to the belly of Hell was about to be made for the good of the timeless Rum Highball.

"I've never been to this grocery store before," said a wide-eyed and naive Benjamin.

"Well, settle in. You're in for a treat," I quipped back, before checking my eyebrows in the rearview mirror and taking my pocket knife out of the glove compartment.

When we stepped into the Sentry Foods, I was instantly reminded of all the sadness and suffering in the world. It seemed to be in a constant state of unkempt renovation, as were the patrons. "Let's just get this stupid mint and get the hell out of here," I said. I'm typically always on the verge of a panic attack if you see me out in public, and this was certainly no exception.

As we meandered around the aisles, looking for a proverbial mint-flavored needle in a crap-flavored haystack, the Missus darted off in the correct direction while I was distracted. As I tried to catch up, I attempted to crack my friends up by doing my signature 'Power Walk.' If you're unfamiliar with the 'Power Walk,' I suggest checking out Mr. McMahon's WWE entrance. I do this in public all the time, because I think it's hilarious and it leads people to believe that I have something wrong with me.

As you can probably surmise, it's the funniest thing that has ever happened in America. That entrance song is also my ringtone. Let's move on.

As I power-walked around the corner and caught up with the Missus (who found the mint), I noticed a random shopper that was looking at me. He was short and chubby, tan-skinned, slightly feminine, backwards cap and dressed like a frat boy douchebag. We'd never get along, even if he was a Red Sox fan.

As the four of us crowded around the mint and determined just how many metric tons of the stuff we'd need, this guy managed to walk right up next to me and stare me down. He was sweating and appeared to be either severely intoxicated or under the influence of some narcotic. Weirder still, he had no groceries and wasn't even carrying a basket. I was ready for anything.

"You wearing an iPod?" He asked me, which ranked at approximately #998,603 on the list of the One Million Things I'd Expect To Be Asked By A Stranger At A Grocery Store, wedged right between "I'd like to eat Michael Dukakis' shoes!" and "Do you know what year it is, Neil Armstrong?"

My friends looked confused as I made the regrettable decision to respond to this sweaty mass of unbalanced humanity. "No," I said. "Why?"

He then proceeded to mock my amazing Power Walk, all while boasting a please-punch-me-in-the-knob grin. Dude had approached me for the sole purpose of making fun of the way that I pretend-walked.

Now, this shouldn't be a big deal to anyone with greater mental facilities than myself. Just laugh it off and move on, right? Well, not exactly. This guy had caught me at the wrong time; a time where I wanted to get confrontational and remind him that it's not nice to insult people. Who knows; maybe that's how I really walk? Maybe I got hit by a bus as a child and my legs didn't heal correctly. Maybe I was that guy in the POW camp with John McCain. Maybe I'm retarded and like to embarrass myself in public.

My friends looked at me as if to say, "Please, just walk away from this drunk idiot." Instead, I came slightly unglued.

"What the hell is wrong with you, man? Do you just approach strangers at random and make fun of the way they walk? Get outta here."

Dude didn't really know what to say, so we just sort of walked around him and made our way to the checkout. I was expecting more than that; perhaps I got off lucky. Hell, perhaps he did.

I'm an unassuming-looking guy. Medium build. Nerd glasses and a hipster attire. However, I was raised in one of the most rural parts of Wisconsin, worked at a dairy farm, redneck bar and hardware store, all before the age of 18. I will be more than happy to hand you your ass if the situation should present itself. I have a dangerous problem with male authority and bullying, and any guy that thinks it might be funny to tease or belittle me will be met with the sort of retaliation that can only come from a tiny man that was raised by bipolar women his entire life.

It ain't worth it, Cowboy.

But the moment had passed, and as we continued around the barren supermarket, my friends were giving me their usual schtick about what I did wrong; which is typically everything.

"Why didn't you just laugh and walk away?"
"Because that's a sign of weakness!"
"Why do you have to be such a jerk?"
"He deserved it!"
"Why does this stuff always happen to you?"
"I hit a leprechaun with my car when I was 16; happy?"

As the conversation continued towards the checkout line, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was the dude, sauntering back over to my general vicinity. I tried to act like I didn't see him, but if he was about to slash my throat with a poorly-concealed razorblade, I should at least make eye contact beforehand.

Was this guy insane? Was he asking for an ass-kicking? My theories were only heightened as he walked slowly past me, slo-mo power-walking the entire way and looking at me with the same douchebag grin. Bastard was egging me on.

Oh, that's it. Nobody gets between me and my mojitos.

I clutched the knife that was nestled in my pocket; this guy's eye was about to get carved out of its booze-soaked socket. Then, if I felt like it, I was going to go to his mom's house and Power Walk on her fresh corpse. The only person allowed to make fun of me is me, especially if this whole thing started due to me already making fun of myself. He was a dead man. A dead, ignorant man who doesn't understand humor and is now about to get stabbed because of it.

For about the millionth time in my life, I took a split second to fully understand the hilarious ridiculousness of the moment. Through a series of seemingly random and borderline-silly circumstances (jonesing for mojitos, out of mint, cross-town travel, power-walking in front of random passerby), I was about to beat the living hell out of a complete stranger that barely deserved it (I wasn't really going to stab him; I was just going to...you know...cut him a little).

Only the restraint of the Missus kept the situation from reaching a violent head, as the only thing I was able to do was say "I think you're done; get the hell out of here." He put up his hands in a defeated fashion and disappeared, once he realized that I did not find his brand of observational insult humor worthwhile in the least.

You'd think that my friends would praise me as a hero. Someone that stood in the face of annoying opposition and emerged victorious. Perhaps they would even gain some sort of masculine respect or attraction towards me, in that I wasn't some weak pushover that would take crap from people, regardless of if I might have deserved it for prancing around the supermarket like a gazelle in heat. Maybe they'd feel that I was someone who could protect them should something truly serious go down.

You'd be wrong. As is always the case, this entire situation was my fault. If you think that my 'I can't do anything right' act has worn thin, I can assure you that nobody is more sick of it than I am.

"What did I tell you about this place?" I said to the trio, clucking with disapproval. "Can we please go home and play Rock Band now?"

Thy will be done. And you know what? It was worth it.

Comments:
1. The dude deserved a knob-punch.

2. That Vinny Mac video reminded me why I no longer watch wrestling.
 
Yeah, it's silly. But just imagine me walking around a produce section like that, and it should brighten your day a little.
 
Vince walks that way because years ago The Rock interted his foot where the sun don't shine, and no proctologist has ever been successful in removing it.


And the things you put yourself through for a beverage. Dayum...
 
You're also talking to a guy that has rampside seats for the Smackdown show tomorrow. I'm going to make a sign that says 'SIGN.'

The Mojitos were delicious, by the way.
 
I make a fine mojito.

I think what the guy actually asked you was "Do you have an invisible iPod?"
 
Oh man, that's even worse.
 
If it were me, I would have smashed a bottled of E&J over that dude's head.

This is how we're different.
 
Believe me, I wanted to hurt the guy. Had I been there alone, the Missus would have received a phone call from jail.

Then again, if I were alone, I wouldn't have been doing the stupid Power Walk in the first place.

...or would I?
 
I just noticed the new header. Also, that the link to yourself leads to the Anthony Michael Hall wiki. I used to love 'The Dead Zone' when it first came out. But then the shine wore off and the plots got waaaaay stupid. Speaking of shows that I don't watch...

What is this 'TV Week' concept?
 
Concerning the Anthony Michael Hall 'Easter Egg,' I was a Brian Johnson doppelganger for the bulk of my teen years. Kind of an inside joke, but not really.

Whaddya think of the TV Week teaser header? I think it's spiffy as all get out.

TV Week is just that; an entire week devoted to Television-themed essays, culminating with the 4th Annual CDP Fall TV Preview.
 
Next time, you should walk like Rhett Titus from ROH.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1P0om92voA

Go to around 7:40 on the video.
 
If you feel like taking a trip down memory lane...

2005 Fall Preview.
2006 Fall Preview.
2007 Fall Preview.
 
IZZY - Nice. That's like an extremely, erm...flamboyant version of the Power Walk.
 
Oh man, I can totally relate to your need to lay the smackdown on that sort of douchebag. I have what you might call a wee temper (or, as my boyfriend calls it, the bubbling cauldron of rage), and idiots like that sometimes get the best of me.

Thing is, you have to stop and think to yourself, "What brought this poor, clearly miserable soul out to the janky supermarket at this time of night, simply to walk around making fun of strangers?" Clearly, that's a sad life of which no one should want any part.

Sometimes, however, the urge to cut down a douchebag can be quite strong, regardless of our better angels.
 
You damn skippy, Miss Mills.

You have a temper? Whaaahh? Gaahh? I, for one, am shocked.

99 times out of 100, I do the mature thing. But for whatever reason, this guy was just begging to be the exception.
 
I'm pretty sure the guy was hitting on you, Ryan. He had a sparkle in his eye (though it was probably just an alcohol-related glaze.)
 
I'm trying to downplay the theory that he was drunkenly hitting on me.
 
I had a revelation while trotting around work in 2" high heels. Does Vince McMahon possibly have lifts in his shoes? Could that be why he walks like he has a tree branch jammed firmly between his 'roid enhanced buttocks? He has that tottery, tilted forward gait that I get when I'm wearing certain shoes.

And on the topic of 'shopping induced rage', my husband convinced me to go grocery shopping at the "upscale" Publix across town this weekend, because it is a larger store with a better selection. As well as a larger population of yuppie douchebags and surgically enhanced yet mentally deficient trophy wives per square foot than the store up the road from us. I almost ran my cart into several siliconed Barbie brides as they stared vacantly at one disply or another while standing in the middle of the freaking aisle and holding up traffic. It was like shoppong at Wal-Mart, exept no one was speaking Spanish to their herd of six children and most of the people had a mouth full of teeth (probably veneers).

...I hate Wal-mart, and now I hate Yuppie-Publix equally as much. Your story reminded me of that...
 
We went grocery shopping on Saturday afternoon, which was a bad idea. Apparently, that's when EVERYONE grocery shops. And they all like to abandon their carts in the middle of the aisle while they decide which pinto beans are best.
 
Vince just walks like that because it's part of his 'Mr. McMahon' character. That being said, I wouldn't put it past his vanity to wear lifts.

Yeah, the high-class retail locations tend to put more rage in me than the very low ones. I hate the stupid rich far more than I hate the uneducated poor, for obvious reasons.

Grocery shopping can be fun when the place is empty, but during those rushes, it's just the biggest freaking chore on Earth. I'd seriously rather go to the dentist.
 
Reading the 2007 Fall Preview...Man, I didn't even watch "Cavemen".
 
Caveman didn't want Cavemen? What kind of crazy world is this?!?
 
You know, for all the justified crap that show got before it aired, it certainly had its funny moments. It was nowhere near the level of Carpoolers, but not offensive to the brain. In fact, it was actually fairly smart.
 
I hated the the fact that they though the American public would automatically accept a show based on a shotty string of advertisements.

Plus, by switching mediums they turned around the entire feel that made me chuckle the first time I saw them.

I wrote about this months ago..
 
I thought the Cavemen show was pretty funny. Had they just made it a regular show instead of w/ Cavemen, it probably would have worked.
 
Exactly; that was the downfall. Ruined the ad campaign and set the show up for failure. I ain't saying that it was like watching Arrested Development or anything, it just could have been so much worse.
 
We went grocery shopping on Saturday afternoon, which was a bad idea. Apparently, that's when EVERYONE grocery shops.

If you live in a state where there is a sport that happens to be the state religion, then you should go during the game. Around these parts, the only annoying thing in the store is the game blaring over the loudspeakers. Which is better than a crowd.

We rarely shop at Wal-Mart and the last time were there there, Mrs Hoss noticed one of the Big Problems with Wal-Mar -- everyone there is stressed. The customers, the workers, the bums, everyone. SuperTarget doesn't have this, even though they are a humongous store. Everyone is pleasant and seems happy to be there.

And, back to the douchebag in the store? I would have ignored him the first time, and the flipped him off on my way out the door when I saw him do it again.
 
The only way I'm able to keep myself in check in lots of situations like that is with the "you have a lot more to lose than he does" mantra.

It also makes a difference whether I'm inside. I shout at all sorts of people outside. And, like you, I get no respect from my friends for this.
 
HOSS - We typically go during a Badger or Packer game, but we missed the boat this time around.

Good point with the Wal-Mart v. Target argument. Our retail wishes have been granted, however, as a new Target is being built approximately 14 inches from my house.
 
MICHAEL - Good point. My night spent in jail would have been a lot worse than just doing what I eventually did.

Our friends will care when it's their turn to get messed with...which never seems to happen.
 
You just look so *serious* all the time. You walk all fast w/ your head down. I think people just want you to lighten up.
 
I've occasionally gotten some props from strangers I've defended. I was in the San Francisco airport (pre-9/11), and there was a guy who was harassing the woman at the NWA gate. I nearly managed to convince him to hit me*, but sadly his reason prevailed. Too bad -- it would have been worth it to keep him from getting on his plane.


* - Note that I didn't have any dreams of beating him in a fight. When he took a swing, I would have fallen down and let him get arrested.
 
MICHAEL - Right; sometimes you need to take a fall for the Greater Good. The airport is a great place to test that theory, as almost everyone is in some state of abject furiousity.

HATHERY - I know, I just don't particularly enjoy interacting with people in a public venue. I've got a mission to complete. I get that all the time.
 
Are you sure this wasn't viral marketing by Apple that just went horribly wrong?
 
Doubtful; he wasn't wearing the traditional Apple lab coat.
 
We typically go during a Badger or Packer game, but we missed the boat this time around.

It was a highball emergency. I understand.

The Mrs and I used to live near a liquor store call the Hooch Hutch. Yes, it looks like dogs live there. The only time we ever went there was to pick up boxes when we were moving out of that neighborhood. Did you know that booze boxes are great for packing?
 
Oh, absolutely. A peek into my basement would have you thinking that we're stockpiling whiskey by the truckload.




(3...2...1...)
 
You mean we aren't?!?

(had to indulge your joke)
 
If/when this ridiculous country votes McCain come November, I know whose basement I'll be hiding away in.
 
I should sell tickets.
 
One for the 'Whiskey Basement', please.
 
If/when this ridiculous country votes McCain come November, I know whose basement I'll be hiding away in.

I'll make sure to stop in Wisconsin for an impromptu CDP "end of the world as we know it" meet-up party as I flee to Canada, if that happens. :/
 
CAVEMAN - Screw canned peaches and bottled water; I know what I'll really need for the Apocalypse.

MAUS - There's a bottle of Jameson with your name on it.
 
I believe in Aaron Rodgers.
 
Aaron Rodgers put a stamp on B. Favre's butt and send him to Suckville. BOOYAH! Aaron Rodgers is my boyfriend.
 
Happy Birthday JT!!!!
 
Right on; happy birthday, man.
 
Wow...I'm getting birthday wishes on someone else's blog. Sweet.

I was just dropping by to say congrats on the Packers win!
 
...and even though I'm not as anti-McCain as some, if there is a Whiskey Basement Party, count me in.
 
I hit a lephrechaun with my car when I was 16. Love it.
 
JT - Rodgers, dare I say, performed just as good as Favre on Opening Day. That's got to be a confidence boost, right there.

BRUCE - By my calculations, his curse should wear off within the next 5 to 7 years.
 
I've been leaving JT birthday wishes on random blogs all morning!
 
JT is a McCainiac!
 
I'm a Palin Peon.
 
I'm a Palin Poopon...As in, I poop on Sarah Palin. HA!
 
I'm a Barrak...nah, I've got nothing.

It would help if I knew the first thing about American Politics.
 
All you need to know is that we are about to have the hottest VP in history. Next to Hannibal Hamlin of course.
 
DUFF/BLU - Blu might be right. And you know what? Even if Barack wins, Joe Biden is quite the looker himself.
 
Don't worry Duff...you know more about American politics more than most Americans.
 
I believe that sadly, Caveman is correct. For instance I'm 147.3% sure that he is more informed than my little sister (and by little, I mean 25) who still insists that Obama is Muslim and was sworn in with the Koran. It doesn't matter that I can open Wikipedia and prve this false.

Also, if Blu really was leaving me birthday wishes randomly on the interweb...that's awesome.

Also #2, it's not that I support McCain, I just don't think he's the worst choice out there for a Republican.
 
Don't worry Duff...you know more about American politics more than most Americans.

Reposted for truth.

For what it is worth, though, Sarah Palin is reportedly a proponant of aerial hunting of wolves and bears in Alaska (as part of a "conservation effort" to ensure increased numbers of the big game prey animals for sport hunters - this practice is legal in Alaska as part of the licensed hunting and trapping guidelines written into the Alaska Department of Fish & Game's wildlife management policies).

Plus, Palin was recently reported to have been in attendance at one of her churches when they had the founder of "Jews for Jesus" (who is kind of an Anti-Semite) as a guest speaker. So until she comes out publicly to denounce this man's disgusting statments, I'm going to assume she condones (and maybe even shares)the belief that the Jews of Israel will continue to suffer terrorist attacks as God's punishment for not converting to Christianity.


I'm meh of Obama, and equally meh on Biden. McCain, I can stomach. Kind of. But Palin? She makes me all kinds of "Hulk SMASH!" level of angry, even without all the stupid rumors and fabricated drama-llama scandals.

(Happy birthday JT!)
 
I was recently doing my impression of John McCain, which involves a lot of hunching of my shoulders and making fun of McCain's wierd puffy cheeks. I find myself to be hilarious, but my husband was slightly insulted. "You know," he ranted, "Those problems are a result of his being a POW during the Vietnam War." My response is, they probably captured him because he is a douche bag.
 
You should have told that wierdo at the store that you were listening to an invisible walkman, and you thank him for keeping his personal musical listening devices straight.
 
I get that McCain was a POW, and that's great. What I don't understand is why or how that should sway my vote, and why it has anything to do with the issues.
 
I've said most everything I need to say about why I'm not voting McCain/Palin, so I'll leave it at that and move on to marshmallow fluff....
 

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