Wednesday, October 29CDP Top 30 Of All-Time ('06-'08) - #2.
#2 - "Boom Goes The Spider Bite."
(Originally Published September 10, 2007.)
It was about 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon. I was at work, just about to lock the door of the private bathroom I had stepped into. I often used the private bathroom because I'm strongly opposed to defecating in the same room with someone else at the same time. There's something extremely wrong with that, and I prefer to avoid it at all costs. Even though the public stalls are 100 yards closer to my cubicle, I always make the trek for the greater good.
With the door locked, I sat down and began my business. No less than a few seconds later did I notice what appeared to be the largest spider in Wisconsin recorded history, staring right back at me from the door. It was about two feet away, clinging at eye level from my vantage point.
The bathroom itself is more like a Porta-Potty than anything. It's about 4 feet wide by 4 feet long, cramming only a toilet and sink into the cramped area. Me and Spider were trapped together for the time being, and I tried very hard not to make any sudden movements. The last thing I needed was to lose sight of this thing with my pants around my ankles. I would have had no reservations darting out of that room with reckless abandon, dangling like nobody's business while prominent businessmen and wealthy getabouts stared on in abject terror.
As I wrapped up my duties, I kept a death-gaze on the spider. I knew that he was waiting for me to turn away for a mere second to pull up my pants, and then BAM! He would latch directly onto my Naughty Place, sink his fangs in and slowly digest me from the inside-out. I wasn't ready to accept this fate just yet. Or ever, really.
I stood up ever so slowly, pulling up my boxers and khakis one inch at a time, all while focusing hard on the spider. If he would have darted in any direction at this point, I probably would have screamed and knocked myself out on the back of the toilet. He was already inside my head, and I needed to get my wits together immediately.
Up came the khakis, on went the belt, and before I knew it, I was 6 inches away from the spider, looming over it as he now skittered over to the side wall. I shivered as I saw how big he actually was. It was more like a doughnut with teeth. The kind of spider that you see in nightmares when you've had too much to drink. I had to kill it; it was the only way I would ever be able to bring myself to use the private bathroom again. The mere thought of having this thing sneak up on me in the future was enough reason to never urinate again.
Because he was on the drywall, I couldn't just step on it as if he were on the floor. Besides, he was so big, he could have probably gone for a double-underhook takedown as I was rearing up. Nope, because he was on the wall, I thought of a brilliant way to nail him with a flat-footed stomp, eliminating all chances of a near-hit or worse, a total whiff with violent spider retaliation. I decided to stand with my back to the spider, bracing myself by putting my hands on either side of the sink, and mule kicking backwards to smoosh the spider with all of the pressure on the bottom of my shoe. That way, I didn't have to monkey with it to get it onto the floor. No fuss, no muss.
One swift kick, one smashed spider, and one happy guy that just took a poop. Seems foolproof.
I turned away from him, but kept peering over my shoulder to make sure he was in the same spot. I clutched onto the sink with both hands, took a few practice kicks and started lining up. I was going to demolish this spider. Pulverize it. There was no way he was coming back from this one.
I wound up and sent a vicious mule kick towards the spider, my foot completely smashing through the drywall all the way up to my ankle. Horrified, I tried to yank my leg back out of the hole, but the tip of my shoe got caught and tripped me up, sending me head-first towards the toilet. I thrust my arms out to prevent myself from a self-administered Swirlie, my left arm grabbing the seat and my right arm plunging straight down into the bowl.
So there I was, very much alone in a tiny bathroom, experiencing something altogether new to me. My right leg still stuck inside of the hole I had just kicked in the wall, my left knee on the filthy tile floor, my left arm clutching a public toilet seat, and my right arm soaked to the elbow with poop water. The only way it could have gotten any worse was if my First Grade teacher had walked in, peered down at my sweaty face and said, "See? I told you you'd never amount to anything."
Just then, I saw it. The spider. Climbing up the opposite side wall, just inches away from my face. I was completely helpless. Stuck. Even with all of my destruction, I had actually missed the damn thing, and now he was eying me up for the kill.
"This is how it ends for me," I said to myself. I grimaced and prepared for all of the jokes and press coverage my bloated corpse would receive upon discovery.
Just then, my foot rattled loose from the wall, giving me the leverage I needed to pull my hand out of the toilet and stand myself back up. Dripping wet, my pant legs white with drywall, I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and stood before the spider. One of us was going to die in this room, and although I honestly thought it was going to be me due to my own baffling stupidity and luck, the tables had turned and business was about to pick up.
One thrust later, and it was all over. I had won this battle, but at what cost?
I spun around and surveyed the scene. One shoe-sized hole in the wall? Check. One dusty, white pair of khakis? Check. One arm completely submerged inside of a public toilet? Check. One dead spider mashed against the wall? Check and mate, bitch.
Concerning insects, I'd say that we're even now. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.
The mule kick is a powerful but wildly inaccurate option that should really only be used in case of emergency. Collateral damage is almost a guarantee.<< Home