Wednesday, October 22

CDP Top 30 Of All-Time ('06-'08) - #9.

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#9 - "Talking Sex With The CDP."
(Originally Published October 12, 2007.)

I'm Too Emo For Color.

I was reading Pointless Banter the other day, when I saw Kevin re-answering teen sex questions originally published in Seventeen magazine. His theory was that teenagers needed real-world answers to their real-world misconceptions and troubles concerning romance and intimacy, and Seventeen just wasn't doing the trick. Never one to pass up an opportunity to steal someone's idea, I asked Kevin for permission to plagiarize and officially hopped on board.

This week's topic is 'Kissing.' I took all questions straight from, and replaced the terrible answers with my own, along with a little real-life experience. You're welcome, and you don't even have to thank me when you're getting more free kisses than Richard Dawson.

Damn, I'm old. Let's go.

1. When is it okay to give somebody a first kiss? Is it okay to kiss on the first date?

The Facts: Personally, I've never kissed someone during a first date, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. You're supposed to kiss when you both feel you want to kiss, and if it means 10 minutes into the night, so be it. On the other hand, if it takes a few weeks, that's fine, too. Just make sure it's mutual and not forced. This is supposed to be an original and unplanned thing; don't think there's a script you need to follow. If you're a whore, be a whore. Don't lie to yourself or your date. Lying is a bad way to start off a relationship; far worse than being easy.

The Story: I once shared a first kiss with a girl in the parking lot of a police station. We had been driving around for hours because she didn't want to go home, and we pulled in at around 2am because I was running out of gas. She was shooting hints in my direction like crazy, but they mostly deflected off of my thick, Neanderthal forehead. Eventually, she said "You know what? I can't take this anymore!" and proceeded to straddle me in the driver's seat. For the next 5 minutes, I mainly tried very hard to keep my eyes peeled and not get arrested.

2. How can I tell if he/she wants me to kiss him/her?

The Facts: If a girl wants you to kiss her, she'll lay the positive hints on pretty thick. If she doesn't want you to kiss her, you'll get equally rejective hints. Anyone who thinks that females are the masters of subtlety when it comes to romance are seriously misguided, and maybe even a little slow. Just keep your head up and don't read too deeply into every little movement. Focus on the sure things.

If you don't know for sure, you might want to ease into the situation with a little bit of suave honesty. "I really want to kiss you right now," seems to get the job done if the mood is tense enough, and since it's not phrased in the form of a question, you'll be able to pick up responsive cues from your date beyond a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Take what is given to you, and don't force. Trying too hard to get a kiss on Monday will make it all the more difficult to get one on Tuesday.

If you're trying to figure out if a guy wants you to kiss know what? If you're a girl, you can pretty much do whatever you want. Don't worry about it; he wants to kiss you. Concerning same-sex relationships, I would argue that the advice is pretty much the same, just slightly more adorable.

The Story: I once had a girl sing me the entire 'Shoop Shoop Song' (It's In His Kiss) to my face, and still I didn't get the hint that she wanted me to kiss her. Eventually, she just kind of grabbed me before I had a chance to make another dumbass mistake. I used to get womanhandled a lot, because I was an idiot with decent fashion sense. I'm a married idiot now, which mainly means that I'm lonely a lot. Gives me time to write stuff, though.

3. How do I politely put on the brakes when my bf/gf starts pushing kissing to the next level?

The Facts: If you're a girl that wants to slow things down, you just need to remember a few things about dominance and pacing in a relationship. What you must understand and take advantage of is that you're in control of the romance, always. You hold the key, you control the future and make the decisions, you just probably don't know it yet. Once your boyfriend realizes that nothing will happen without your approval, he'll start treating your opinions with a little more respect. A few nights of cold showers and soggy sheets will set him straight in no time. Be honest; tell him to take it easy. If he knows what's good for him, he'll lay off.

If you're a boy that wants to slow things down, just be honest and direct. You're going to get dumped, no matter what. Women don't wait, because they don't have to. For every girl that you want to slow things down with, there is an entire line of guys just begging for the chance to speed things up. You're screwed, but at least you have your dignity. Try not to cry in front of her parents when they're driving you home, though.

The Story: When I was young, inexperienced and slightly embarrassed with my lack of skills, I wanted to slow things down quite a few times myself. My thought was that I'd look like an idiot if I didn't know what I was doing. I now know that a girl will not mind at all if you suck at making out. What they will not tolerate is rejection and stagnation. It's considered hurtful and insulting to make them wait, and again, they really have no reason to hang around for your self-esteem to perk up.

I've since learned to just strap in and do a terrible job. At least you went for it, right?

4. I have braces, is there a trick to kissing with these things on so that neither one of us gets cut?

The Facts: Yeah, just be gentle. Don't get all teeth-bumpy and whatnot; that's pretty gross, braces or otherwise. Your partner will learn that it's not a good idea to lick your molars when making out (or ever), and it will be a complete afterthought in just a few minutes of practice.

The Story: I wore braces least 5 years, and I cannot recall a single time when they came into play on the smooching field. Again, just don't be a pig about it. If you're both wearing braces, however, I can't really help you there. That's just dangerous, not to mention, nerdy as hell.

5. My bf/gf has bad breath which makes kissing not so fun, how can I let him/her know without hurting his/her feelings?

The Facts: Nobody wants to be near someone that smells like ass and cat food, much less accept their tongue inside of their throat. However, not everyone knows that they are offensive to everyone around them. These specific people are called 'single men,' and need to be treated like children to properly educate and train.

By the time you get to a certain point in a relationship, you'll be able to just be honest about it and let your partner know that they taste like crap. In the early stages, though, it's best to just offer them some gum or a swig of grain alcohol beforehand. If they get it, they'll get it. If they don't, then you might want to stop kissing them for a while until they get their hygiene under control.

The Story: Now that I'm married, the topic of bad breath isn't an issue. Brutal honesty has long-since replaced tip-toeing around a sensitive subject. If we're in bed and things take a turn for the smoochin', we'll stop to brush our teeth or hit the mouthwash. You really should always be doing that before you go to bed, though. And flossing. You gotta floss.

Before marriage, though, I used to go out with a smoker. While I hated the habit (borderline retarded and unrelentingly idiotic) and forbid her from smoking in my car, it was impossible to fully remove the smell of cigarettes from her maw. She knew that it was an issue that I held some objections to, so she was nice about it and carried Tic-Tacs everywhere we went. It didn't get the job done, but I was willing to compromise.

Also, I never went out with someone who wasn't previously aware of my OCD and fear of germs, so it wasn't like they were thrown for a loop when I freaked out over something of this magnitude.

6. Is kissing somebody else when you are in a relationship considered cheating?

The Facts: To me, cheating is defined by your significant other (along with your overall level of happiness). If he or she thinks that something is symbolic of unfaithfulness, then you need to follow those rules as a caring partner. If he or she thinks that going to a strip club is cheating, then you might want to lay off the lap dances. If he or she thinks that watching pornography is cheating, then you might want to hide the cable bill next month. It's a sliding scale that's all at the mercy of your partner, and you pretty much have to follow it for as long as you're with them. It doesn't matter if you think what you did is cheating or not.

However, your partner needs to stick to the rules they set at the beginning of the relationship; no changing the game halfway through to accommodate their side of an argument.

The Story: My sliding scale of adultery breaks down like this. If the Missus wants to do something that she wouldn't want me to do, then we're going to have to sit down and talk about it. Our relationship dictates a certain level of respect and not-acting-like-a-douchebag, and we keep communication channels open to maintain that trust.

A few months ago, the CDP sponsored a lingerie party at a local nightclub. The Missus didn't want anything to do with it, as nudity, scantily-clad masses, bondage and other various forms of debauchery were set to take place. She knew why I was going, though, and also knew what I'd be doing while I was there (sipping Sprite, watching football, shaking hands and playing Ms. Pac-Man), so it was all good. Had she been offended by my attendance, I wouldn't have gone, because once again, you need to follow the scale of your partner.

So, do I think that kissing someone else is considered cheating? To me, it depends on the circumstances, which I'm about to go into with this next question...

7. If I kiss somebody in the heat of the moment does that mean I have to start a relationship with him/her?

The Facts: Look. Things happen. Some people look at casual kissing no further than casual hugging. Some people hold far more importance to the act. It really all depends on who you smooch.

The Packers won the Super Bowl? George W. Bush ate a shotgun on national television? These acts may be emotionally moving enough to cause you to plant one on anyone within planting distance. In these cases, it's an admission of joy, just like a hug, and should be treated as such. It really has nothing to do with the kiss itself.

A few years ago, I got drunk at Ben's wedding reception and kissed his neighbor's dog. You don't see us going out, do you?

The Story: On my last day of High School, I was approached by the younger sister of one of my friends. I guess she had a crush on me, and assumed that this would be the last time she was going to see me. Without saying a word, she pinned me up against the lockers and stood me straight up with a hard kiss on the lips. She grinned and exhaled out of her mouth like she was possessed, walked away, and yeah, I never saw her again. I understood why it happened, and I allowed it to be as such. She deserved to be reckless, and I deserved a no-strings-attached kiss.

This would have been the end of it, had I not been going out with the future Missus at the time. She was slightly less forgiving, and this girl in question knew that I was taken. Not so cool. Strings were attached, and feelings were hurt. Make sure that doesn't happen, and you're kissing someone who is aware of your nonchalant feelings beforehand.

Things happen, though. People kiss people. It's okay as long as nobody gets hurt (see above), and it stays innocent.

8. Why do I sometimes get red and tender patches around my mouth after kissing my boyfriend?

The Facts: He needs to shave a bit closer. It's called whisker burn, and it's almost unavoidable in feverish, teen make-out situations. Take it a bit easier, or suffer the pointy caress of a crappy, teenage mustache. As you get older, you'll soon realize that romance is chock-full of uncomfortable positions and red, tender patches. They never discuss that sort of stuff in the movies. Friction equals heat; it's basic Physics.

The Story: If I don't shave, I typically don't get kissed. Simple as that. The Missus expects certain things from me, and looking like a caveman is strictly forbidden with the punishment of no naughty business. So, every time I look myself in the mirror each morning, I'm faced with a very important question. Do I want to please my wife, nurture the love and respect that I have for her and be rewarded with the pleasure of her close company today? Or, do I want a beard?

9. Is kissing your pillow really a good way to practice?

The Facts: No, not really. The human head and mouth has little to no similarities to a pillow. If you don't already know that, you're going to be very surprised once you start having sex.

If you must, practicing on your arm is better, because it's made out of skin that's warm and attached to a living body. It doesn't hurt to bend your arm and give that crease in your elbow a go, too. If you want to work your tongue into the mix, it doesn't matter what you do, because it's not going to be like the real thing (we'll be discussing sex at a later time, by the way). If you're simply shooting for form and pacing, you might want to try kissing a stuffed animal; anything with a face, really. Just not your brother or sister, please.

The Story: When I was a kid, I practiced like crazy. I practiced on my pillow, my arm, stuffed animals, the TV set, Cindy Crawford posters; you name it, I was pressing my lips against it. Not so much to simulate what it was going to be like, but mainly to throw myself into that fantasy and hopefully prepare myself for as little embarrassment and humiliation as possible. I can't remember if it did the trick, but I've never gotten anything less than praise throughout my life.

I can still tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue, which is admittedly a super-greaseball thing for a 25 year old to be doing at bars, I must say. I'll never do that in front of company again.

10. I kissed a friend of the same sex, does this mean that I am gay?

The Facts: Nope. Not even a little bit. I've kissed many of my guy friends, typically for humorous purposes, dares and the like. Don't start questioning your sexuality until emotions start coming into play. The act itself is borderline meaningless.

The Story: When we were all in our teens, myself and Ben convinced The Missus and Sherry to kiss each other. They had been friends since early childhood and never once did it, so me and Ben thought it would be really hot and cute to see those two finally lock up. When they did, it was the single most deflating and un-sexy thing I've ever seen. I don't know how they pulled it off, but it was a total letdown. We haven't asked them to do it again since, nor do we plan to.

Me and Ben continue to kiss on a regular basis, however.

So, there you have it. 10 tips and answers to your burning questions concerning the Act of the Kiss. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

Wow, your hair was really short back then
I'm due for a chopping.
My gent is growing a beard.
I think it's pretty sexy.
My beards don't last very long, although I stand firm that I could rock one without looking too ridiculous.

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