Thursday, November 6


I don’t talk about it very much on the CDP, but I am a huge fan of Mixed Martial Arts. I own stacks of DVD’s, get most of the pay-per-views and watch all of the shows (on Spike as well as the constant stream of programming on HDNet). I’m even considering starting a MMA podcast, because, you know, the Internet really needs another guy yammering into a microphone with his pajama bottoms on.

The Missus is also a pretty big fan, which pleases me on a level that’s far beyond what I could properly summarize in print. I’m just not that good of a writer, even though I’m actually a pretty awesome writer that hasn't written anything awesome in well over a month, including the essay you're reading right now. I'm of the opinion that you will find it somewhat scattered, random, and lacking a worthwhile ending. I ask you to cut me some slack; it's been awhile.

Moving on, I want to also make it clear that I’m not some fairweather MMA fan; some douche that jumped on the bandwagon when it became popular a few years ago. I shelled out $40 for UFC IV in 1995, at the age of 13, during a time when the UFC was on the verge of getting banned nationwide. Classless, out-of-touch nimrods like John McCain classified the UFC as ‘Human Cockfighting,’ the sport went underground and re-emerged in the 21st Century as the defining sport of a generation, after being sold to promoters that believed in strict regulation, solid marketing and the legitimizing of the brand. In Middle School, I wrote every report and made every speech I could in defense of MMA, explaining the rules, virtues and standards applied to a sport that had received such negative publicity in its mishandled infancy.

And yes, I’m writing all of this out just in case Dana White, the President of the UFC, is reading and possibly looking for an Executive Assistant of some sort. I make great coffee and don't wheeze when I breathe.

I honestly see a time in the near future where MMA becomes an Olympic event, and when you really think about it, it should probably be the only Olympic event. At the end of the day, events like badminton, luge and field hockey all boil down to one burning question: "You think you can kick my ass?"

Well, maybe not the luge; that just looks like a lot of fun. I bet all of the competitors go out for pizza afterwards and high-five each other with the bewildering amazement that they get to ride a sled for a living. I suppose some of them do get shot out of the tube and die every once in awhile, but I'd take those odds.

Nonetheless, my love for MMA has began to actually trick my body into thinking that I should attempt to enter the world of MMA. Start training. Take classes. Get my body into fighting shape and step inside the Octagon. This, as you can already tell, is a recipe for a failure so rich and buttery that even I know it’s a shade more retarded than anything I’ve ever bothered to talk myself into thus far. In fact, should I ever get myself into an MMA fight, I’d wind up a legitimate shade more retarded than I already am, and this is from a strictly medical and psychological standpoint. When I told my Physician about my aspirations, he told me that my wife should start casket shopping. I’d leave on a stretcher if I was lucky. In reality, I’d probably leave on two stretchers.

See, me and exercise don’t get along. I stay in shape, eat decent food and maintain a Lightweight density of approximately 155-160 pounds at any given time, but it’s due to fast metabolism, anxiety and coffee, not Hindu squats, wind sprints and Tony Little. Drumming keeps my arms strong, running from the Paparazzi keeps my legs tight and good-old-fashioned HGH takes care of the rest. The mood swings and non-existent testicles are a small price to pay.

So, the other day, I saw a commercial for a new MMA gym that was opening in my area. The place was beautiful; it had pretty much all of the state-of-the-art facilities and equipment that you see the UFC guys using at the Las Vegas gym on The Ultimate Fighter. The trainers were experienced, decorated and taught by some of the most popular and greatest MMA fighters of all-time. The urge to become a part of this was getting harder to ignore; I wanted to go to this gym badly and kick some ass. Practice Round Kicks on those rubber cylinders that look like crude, doughy humans. Do victory laps around the Octagon like I had just knocked out Anderson Silva. Jog in place, pee in the sauna; stuff like that.

Logically speaking for a moment, there are easier ways for me to get involved with the MMA game than merely being a fighter with no professional experience to speak of (as I’ve stated before, my street fight record is 2 wins with 1 loss and a draw, and these all took place before the 7th Grade; Kimbo Slice I am not). I could be a promoter. I could be a reporter. Hell, I could be a lot of things in the fighting World that didn’t involve slipping in and out of consciousness while the medics reset my femur and placed what was left of my nose into a plastic bag full of ice cubes and shattered dreams.

Furthermore, they do frequent drug testing in MMA, which meant that I would finally have to accept the fact that I could never freebase meth again; something I wasn’t quite ready to deal with at the age of 26. I still have too much expendable income and almost all of my adult teeth.

Even with all of the damning evidence mounting against me, I still logged onto the MMA Dojo’s website and saw what they were all about. Then I saw the price tag, and remembered just how popular MMA is right now. Then I passed out, hit my head, woke up the next morning in front of the computer, saw the price tag again and proceeded to pass out and hit my head once more. It appeared as if the decision was made for me.

If I could afford what they were asking to train me as a fighter, I wouldn’t need to fight for a living in the first place. Apparently, the only way you can be expertly trained in MMA is if you were already sponsored by a company, or are some maverick billionaire with nothing better do to than choke people. Sir Richard Branson should jump at this in a second, just as soon as he gets sick of taking his rocketship to the Moon, or wherever the hell takes it nowadays.

I'm down but not out, however. My path will converge with MMA at some point in the near future. With any luck, I'll have the good sense to kick it in the balls and run like hell.

Fedor over Arlovski and Barnett.
Lesnar over Couture.
Nogiera over Mir.
St. Pierre over Penn.
Silva over Jackson.
Griffin over Evans.
Anderson Silva over everybody times eleventy billion five.
Junie Browning over Bi-Polar Medication.
Gina Carano draped seductively over my King-Sized bed.
Bas Rutten over Jesus.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

I am completely clueless about MMA, but I do have some students who are trying to get in shape for it. They have a "fight club" where they practice. Personally, I don't have the stomach for it. I would much rather watch Desperate Housewives. Don't judge me.

This essay did bring to mind a fight you once go into under the flagpole at Perkins. I don't know if you recall this particular incident, but it scared the crapola out of me. (I believe you and your opponent were beginning to lunge at each other in my car before we even pulled into the parking lot.) I think you were maybe 100 pounds at the time, so it is nice that you have put some meat on your bones. :) Ironic considering that meat did not come from eating meat.
The only thing I know about MMA is that Gina Carano is hot.
I need a Fight Club at the office, but the only other guy that would want in is a black belt that would break my arm on a weekly basis. I need to work my way up and start with some people near retirement age first.

I believe that I have talked about that particular fight on the CDP before, and I have counted it as a 'loss.' Mainly because I was left bleeding, tore up my favorite sweater and made you cry a little. Let us never discuss this again, although I do feel pretty good about putting some weight on. I was damn awkward. DAMN awkward.
JT - Gina Carano makes me hurt when I watch her on American Gladiators. Hurt.
Looks aside Gina is actually a relativly good fighter, though she needs to make a practice of showing up to fights not over weight. It saps her ability to go to the distance and will end up costing her if she should ever fight the likes of Kim Couture who will be joining the ranks very soon. You are nuts thinking that Lesnar is going to win over Randy Couture perhaps the greatest heavyweight UFC fighter of all time Lesnar hits hard but has alot to learn. Randy will submit him my hope is for the first round but Lesnar is very strong and it may take some time. Anderson Silva is unbelievable I absolutely cannot see a path to victory against Silva, Leder? I think almost had him mildly recently he actually had Silva on the mat and had side control and blew it.
I firmly believe that Lesner will beat Couture. Randy is great and all, but don't think Brock is going to take this fight lightly! Brock is going to lay on Randy the whole time and he won't have a chance.

Gina has been in the fighting game a lot longer than Mrs. Couture has, but Gina needs to quit posing so much for the camera and get in the gym.
I know nothing about MMA or UFC (although I have a brother in law who is into watching that stuff - he also used to be a funny car racer). What I want to know is - what is up with Brock Lesnar's malformed ear? It used to distract me when he was with the WWE circuit. Come to think of it...I may have asked that question on this blog before.
LUKE - Welcome aboard, man!

Gina is a good fighter, and I agree totally that she needs to focus more on training and making weight, otherwise dominant women like Cyborg Santos are going to make her look silly. Kimbo Slice/Seth Petrezzeli silly.

I'm picking Lesnar over Couture mainly because the UFC/Couture contract dispute left a bad taste in my mouth, and mainly because I'd like people to realize that some WWE stars are legit athletes. However, if Lesnar can't out-wrestle and out-strike early, it's going to be like when tapped to Frank Mir all over again. Avoid those submissions, Brock!

Concerning the un-beatibility of guys like Anderson Silva and Fedor, I do agree that those two can pretty much do whatever they want in the Octagon, but after seeing what happened to Uriah Faber last night (another top P4P guy), I remember that anything is possible.

MAUS - You know what? I've never noticed anything weird about Brock's ear! I'll have to take a look at it. I know that Randy Couture has severe Cauliflower Ear and Mick Foley only has one ear, but yeah...I'll get to the bottom of this during my lunch break.
The only thing I know about MMA is that Gina Carano is hot.

Like I said, I'm inclined to train for MMA just for the chance to face her in the ring - and I have no illusions about winning, but that ain't the point.

I'm actually aiming to start up boxing lessons in the near future. Sadly, I'm not sure my knees can stand anything else, but hey, at least I get to learn to throw a proper punch!

Hey Ryan - If you're ever inclined to invite human beings into your home to watch an MMA/UFC match, let me know. I'm really curious to start watching more of it, and suspect you and the Missus might actually be able to fill me in on what the hell is going on. I promise not to pee on the furniture.
EMILY - Indeed, winning isn't the point. At that moment, everyone wins.

I was going to attempt a small gathering for the upcoming Couture/Lesnar event; I will certainly let you know if it comes together. The very notion that you'd want to come over and watch men beat each other up makes me like you all the more. And it's good to know I can keep the rubber slip covers in the basement.
You had better start learning to box so the next time I ask you to punch a kidney you'll DO IT, and do it well! :) haha.

I never noticed anything weird about Brock's ear either. If it's deformed, it's more than likely from his collegiate wrestling days.

Cauliflower ear= GROSS!

Roger Huerta=more attractive man than Gina Carano is an attractive woman
Not to move too far off topic, but now that it's agreed to who do you think will win the showdown of the Shamrock Brothers? I am not sure if Ken's age will play a big factor as both are not the fighters they once were, had this fight taken place ten years ago it would have been incredible. Currently however it's only interesting to me because of the history of the fighters. I'm really not sure who will come out on top, Ken when properly motivated can accomplish alot though I'm not sure after all the years how he'll hold up if the fight goes 3 rounds. Frank a bit younger hasn't seemed to take MMA very seriously he has fought on occasion but since 'retiring' after beating Ortiz so long ago he hasn't seem to really train hard or try to seriously win matches instead opting to try to 'put on a good show'. And lastly I still think you guys are all nuts thinking Lesner is going to upset Couture, but I guess that's why they schedule the match...
MAUS - Hathery's probably right. Any damage to his ear probably happened during his amateur wrestling days. A lot of wrestlers and MMA guys get Cauliflower Ear, and yeah, it's fairly gross looking.

HATHERY - Huerta may be attractive, but Kenny Florian would like a word with you concerning his status in the Lightweight Division. PWN3D.

LUKE - Don't get me wrong, I love The Natural. In fact, I got a little choked up when he came out of retirement to pummel the tar out of Tim Sylvia. I just feel that Lesnar can out-wrestle him due to sheer size and strength, and as long as he avoids getting tapped (which I'm sure he's working like crazy on), he can get a decision. However, Lesnar's five-round cardio has yet to be determined, so you may have a point concerning the fight going into the later rounds.

Before he pulled out of the fight, I thought that Ken Shamrock would handily beat Kimbo Slice. That being said, I think that Frank is currently the better Shamrock brother and should take an emotional, if not slightly boring, victory. I wonder where they will fight, now that Elite XC is out of business.
Poor Tim Sylvia; EVERYONE beats the tar out of him.

Ken Shamrock will find a way to cut his own jugular or explode his spleen. There's no way he'll fight. lost me there.

(Oh, and I would totally pay Gina to beat me that weird?)
What, about Shamrock? He finds ways to hurt himself before fights so he doesn't have to take them. Ex.- the Kimbo fight.
Either Ken Shamrock has a thinly-veiled motive for everything he does, or he's just the unluckiest fighter alive.

Happy Friday, kids!
He just needs to stop fighting! That would be the best thing for him, I think.

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