Friday, March 14

I'm Not Leaving You; You're Leaving Me!



Here's a little CDP-flavored Pop Crunch to lead you into the weekend. Minty!

Me and the Missus are headed north for a funeral today, returning Saturday night. Sound off in the comments section, play nice and enjoy your day.

Thursday, March 13

We Built This City On Centerfield.


What was supposed to be a relaxing and carefree dinner at Chili's last night turned ugly when me and the Missus got into a heated argument.

What was it about? Money? Children? The correct way to divide up an Awesome Blossom? Nope.

It was about what the worst song of all-time is.

This is an argument that me and the Missus revisit on a quarterly basis. I stand firm, but she continues to push me. Insults are hurled, words are exchanged and the drive home is painfully quiet.

Determining what the worst song of all-time is needs a few parameters. It needs to be a popular song; preferably a song that was a Billboard #1 at one point or another. It can't be a cover song, nor can it be a novelty track.

For me the choice is simple, and it's the same choice I've held tight to for the last 20 years:

'We Built This City' by Starship.

There's no denying that it is, at best, one of the Top 3 worst songs in popular music history. I also didn't jump on the bandwagon as an adult; I've hated this song since it first hit the airwaves in 1984. Everything about it is awful. Even the cover of the single makes me want to nuke the 80's with reckless abandon.

The Missus, however, enjoys this song, and claims that it 'rocks.' There isn't a shred of irony in her voice when she says it, which is a feat of method acting that would make Daniel-Day Lewis weep with envy.

Her choice for worst song ever is 'Centerfield' by John Fogerty.

As a CCR fan and also the somewhat-proud owner of the 'Centerfield' 45 single, I took slight offense to this. There was no way that she could justify 'Centerfield' being worse than 'We Built This City.' Not even close. Although I did cringe quite a bit when I found out that 'Centerfield' is reportedly George W. Bush's favorite song, despite Fogerty being such an opponent of his.

On the drive home from Chili's, the argument intensified as she demanded I play 'Centerfield' for my friends in the backseat and have them judge the findings. Through a masterstroke of luck, I happened to have 'Centerfield' on my iPod, and sang along proudly as the admittedly awful tune filled my Mercury Sable.

The verdict? 'Centerfield' is a catchy song with a sing-long chorus and non-intrusive melody. While the theme of the song and the overall fruitiness is almost impossible to defend, it doesn't hold a candle to the monument of suck and failure that is 'We Built This City.'

Score one for the good guy.

Other songs were mentioned, such as 'I Want To Know What Love Is,' by Foreigner, and pretty much every other song ever recorded by Foreigner, but I have yet to hear a song as popular and as equally terrible as 'We Built This City.'

What's your choice for the worst song ever recorded? Remember the parameters, sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Wednesday, March 12

50 Random Things (Or, 'Let's Talk About Me!').

50 Random Things.
(Rocking the Coolest Drumset Ever in the early 1980's.)

Thanks to Facebook, e-mail and generally annoying human beings, I'm constantly inundated with various surveys, questionnaires and tell-all quizzes designed to allow folks to talk about themselves at length, with little or no provokation. In my opinion, these surveys exist for lonely people to share information about themselves that nobody cared to know by actually asking them.

Look, I'm a personal blogger. I write about myself every day. If you don't already know something about me, chances are that I don't plan on sharing it anytime soon. At the very least, I'm saving the jucier tales for my next book and charging $19.95. I'm a storyteller, businessman and purveyor of fine barbecue sauces, not some open-book attention whore.

I completed one of these surveys last year as a way to hopefully remain out of the loop on future ones, but they just kept on a-coming. So, in conjunction with readers wanting to know every last scrap of my private and personal life, I present to you '50 Random Things,' and beg of you to never send me another survey ever again. It's lengthy, it's all-encompassing, it's sort of awesome. Also, people tell me that they actually like it when I do this.

Let's do work!

Check off the random things you have done. Include explanations!

Level 1

(X) Punched a mule right in the face
- Yes, and it was totally rad.

Please don't send hate mail, mules. You know I'm kidding.

(X) Smoked A Cigar
- When I was a Sophomore/Junior in High School, the Swing revival was all over the radio. I had a several-month phase where I drank nothing but Gin & Tonic and smoked cigars. I looked like a fool, and any photographs taken of me at the time rank among some of the most embarrassing of my life. Thanks for bringing that up; I'm a douche.

() Done Weed
- Believe what you want to believe, but I've never directly used marijuana or anything containing THC. I've been amongst enough second-hand smoke to experience some contact issues, but it was never something I cared to experience on a personal level. I have enough paranoia as is, I'm not big on breaking the law, I don't pretend to be laid-back, nor do I wish to be. Weed just isn't in the game plan for me. It's tired, common and unoriginal.

That being said, I support the legalization of marijuana, although I wouldn't use it unless I had to for pain or medicinal reasons. I'm complicated like that.

(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
- Although it hasn't happened for almost a decade, I've indeed kissed a man, but mainly for silly, teenage-dare purposes. By that point in my life, I was already decided and secure with my sexuality, and never embarked on an experimental phase that had me smooching dudes. There's nothing at all wrong with it; it's just not for me. Sorry, Ben.

(X) Drank Alcohol
- Are you kidding me? I'm drunk right now! What should be mentioned is that I was a pretty good boy, and seldom drank before I turned 21 years old. I'd say I suffered three, maybe four hangovers before I became of legal age, which is pretty respectable, I would assume. Nowadays, I drink alone and in the privacy of my own home, and that's normal, right?

SO FAR: 4

Level 2

(X) Are/Been In Love
- I've been in love since June of 1999, when I first spoke words to the Missus. I remember it very clearly, and since then, I've done my best to shield her from the huge mistake she made when she let me be her husband. Had I ever been in love before that? Yeah, maybe. However, now that I've been in a marriage for 4 years, I can assure you that your perception of love changes greatly when you get the law and laundry involved.

"You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, but they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

(X) Been Dumped
- I've been officially dumped approximately 2.5 times; once in 1995, and once in 1996 (the .5 is another story for another time). Considering the age that we all were at the time, these barely qualify in my book. At the time, however, they hurt like you'd imagine they would. I never realized that it was impossible to listen to the radio after being dumped; did you know that? Absolutely impossible. I wish they could make a pill that duplicated the feeling of being emotionally rejected, so you could take it every once in awhile to remember how good you have it.

(X) Shoplifted
- Yes, as a youth, I stole a thing or two from unnamed gas stations and mini-marts. It was wrong, I'm not proud of it, and I still think that the law will catch up with me because of it. Nothing of significant value was taken, except for my very soul. I apologize.

() Been Fired
- Nope, not yet, as of at least 11 different jobs. Someday, maybe. When I worked as a bartender (at the age of 15, mind you), I begged on a daily basis to be fired, but to no avail. What a thankless job it is to serve drinks before you can even legally drive a car.

(X) Been In A Fist Fight
- I was in three short ones. The first had me pummel some poor kid on the playground back in the day. The second one took place during a High School assembly in the bleachers, and the third one took place in the parking lot of a 24-hour diner at midnight. My record stands at 1-1, with 1 No Contest, which won't get me any MMA contracts in the near future, I can assure you.

SO FAR: 8

Level 3

(X) Snuck Out Of/Into A Parent’s House
- My relationship with my mom has always been trusting and full of compromise. If I wanted to stay out past curfew, all I had to do was call her and tell her where I was going. However, there were a couple of times when I had to navigate the house like a ballerina at 3am, as to not wake her and be subsequently murdered.

(X) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn’t Have Them Back
- If you have never felt the deep, black, cavernous pit of unrequited love, I honestly feel bad for you. I really do. Everyone on Earth should experience that deflating, weightless, vomitous, nothing-else-matters emotion at least once; it would allow the nation to understand the feelings of others a little better. Gosh, is there anything that feels worse than that? Anything?

() Been Arrested
- Nope. I'm law-abiding. Sure. I speed constantly when I'm on the road, but doesn't everyone? Furthermore, can you be arrested for speeding? Nah, I'm fine on this one...yep.

() Made Out With A Stranger
- We had known each other for a good two hours; does that still make her a stranger? I will defer to the judges on this one, who say that by two hours, she would be officially recognized as an 'acquaintance.' I'm off the hook, thankfully.

(X) Gone Out On A Blind Date
- Her name was Kate. We met on the Internet. She lived 10 minutes from me. We met at the mall. I was wearing an honest-to-God Limp Bizkit t-shirt that I purchased with my own money. She didn't care. We took a drive and got coffee. We exchanged pleasantries and parted with a hug and quick smooch. We never spoke again. I later wrote a song about it, titled 'Blind Date Kate.' It was catchy and sounded a lot like The Queers. I was proud of it, but never fleshed it into something for my band to play. Lost opportunity on all counts.

Years later, a fan of my page named Kate Carillo popped up. She looked exactly like 'Blind Date Kate,' but it was merely coincidence. Weird.

SO FAR: 11

Level 4

(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
- Listen. I'm 26 years old, and I still have crushes on older people. From older sisters, to teachers, to co-workers, to friends' moms, to internet personalities that live in Los Angeles and write television shows for a living; some things will never, ever change.

Get well soon, Will. We miss you.

(X) Skipped School
- Under the guise of a school-funded Blood Drive, I ducked out of class once and only once in my life. At my school, turning 17 meant that you could write yourself excuse notes to get out of anything at any time, so it wasn't like you were being held against your will or anything. Besides, high school wasn't all that bad for me. The pizza was lukewarm and top-notch.

() Slept With A Co-Worker
- For as long as I've been in the professional job field, I've been in committed relationships that greatly hindered my opportunities at casual sex. Furthermore, it doesn't take a genius to know that it's probably a bad idea. If I were single, though, you know I'd be trying to destroy every female friendship I've ever made at the workplace for even the slightest chance at a hook-up. How tragically sad and expected.

(X) Slept With A Classmate
- Well, yeah. How can you not? I'd like to see the statistics on people losing their virginity to a fellow classmate. It's gotta be like, 95%. The question should really be, "How did you not sleep with a classmate?"

(X) Seen Someone/Something Die
- Anyone who has been watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno over the past 14 years can also check this box for themselves. Hey-oh!

SO FAR: 15

Level 5

(X) Had/Have A Crush On One Of Your MySpace/Facebook Friends
- I won't be naming names for the sake of my comfortable and wonderful marriage, so I'll cop out by saying that the Missus is on Facebook/MySpace, and she's always my #1 crush. Besides, I haven't had a textbook-definition 'crush' since I saw Alanis Morissette's video for 'Ironic' in 1995.

() Been To Paris
- Not yet. Someday, perhaps. I'll ride a bike around with a loaf of bread sticking out of the basket. Then I'll star in an erotic film where I lust after a member of my family. Ahh, the French. Is there anything they can't make sexy?

Stupid thought to add, and this is just the sick part of me that thinks about stuff like this, but I remember me and an ex-girlfriend swearing to each other in 1994 that we'd see Paris together one day. Wouldn't it be funny if we were forced against our will to take each other up on the promise in the present-day, and had to walk around France together with our new spouses, lives and kids? That would be goddamn hilarious in its embarrassment; I should write a screenplay. Michael Cera will star.

() Been To Spain
- I don't really care to travel to Spain. I already have Univision on my digital cable. What? It isn't?

(X) Been On A Plane
- I'm not a hardened and weary traveler by plane, but I'll estimate that I've been on anywhere from 12-15 flights in my life thus far. I recall one flight from Cleveland to Milwaukee that careened straight through a huge storm. Lightning was everywhere, the turbulance was insane and people were crying. It was intense, but it didn't give me a phobia. It's mainly the passengers that I hate more than the fear of being vaporized upon impact. Cars are far more deadly than airplanes; don't be a baby.

(X) Thrown Up From Drinking
- Once, when I was 17. New Year's Eve 2000. That's it; seriously. Never again will I lose control of myself to that extent. It sucks, and hard. Sure, I'll drink myself tipsy on a near-weekly occurance, but I gots to keep it classy. My shirts are too expensive now to be 'Technicolor yawning' all over them.

SO FAR: 18

Level 6

(X) Eaten Sushi
- Once, a year before I went vegetarian. Screw that noise. The only way I'll ever eat sushi again is if I go to one of those uber-expensive places that lets you eat off of a naked Asian woman. Or, if I could just pay an Asian woman for the same dining services. We're getting way off-topic, here.

God, I love Asian women.

(X) Been Snowboarding
- I used to tear up the slopes during the snowboard X-plosion of the 90's. After awhile, I realized it was far more fun to hang out in the clubhouse and sip hot chocolate with everyones' girlfriends. The only thing I do in the snow now is maybe sledding once a year; because it's awesome, and because everything else done on snow is just a variation of sledding.

(X) Met Someone Because Of MySpace/Facebook
- I don't think this has happened because of MySpace or Facebook, but I've met a few nice people in person through the CDP. If I had it my way, I'd meet all of you. We'll eat breakfast for dinner; it'll be great.

(X) Been Body Surfing
- Once, at a Mustard Plug concert in Green Bay. I don't like being off my feet around strangers. I also hate it when they try to grab my boobs. I'm not your property! I just want to dance!

(X) Been Mosh Pitting
- Many, many times have I strapped on and threw down back in the day. It should be noted that the single biggest ass-whipping of my entire life took place at a Christian rock show at a church. When that was over, I had a black eye, swollen lip and more cuts and bruises than my previous 16 years of injuries at concerts combined. Absolutely bizarre. I quite simply got the crap beaten out of me in the name of Jesus.

SO FAR: 23

Level 7

() Been In An Abusive Relationship
- I've been manipulated, I've been the manipulator, I've been in spectacular fights, but nothing that I would call 'abusive.' I like to stay in relationships for the long haul, but I'll jump ship if I think I'm dealing with someone who's clinically insane. Breaking something every once in awhile isn't the be-all to end-all, but if it becomes a weekly occurrence, we'll need to have a talk.

(X) Taken Pain Killers
- I threw my back out in 2002 and didn't want to go to the doctor, so the Missus gave me all the painkillers she had stockpiled from the last time she threw her back out. Got' damn, that was a scary few days. I've rarely been so unable to control myself than when I was whacked out of my gourd on enough illegal prescription medication to take out Courtney Love and Marilyn Monroe combined. This also is a good reminder as to why I shy away from hard drugs. I like being in control of the situation, and I can't do that when I can't even control the drool pooling on my novelty t-shirt.

(X) Love(d) Someone Who You Can’t Have
- Remember all that stuff I said before about having feelings for someone who didn't have them back? The feeling that you can't blow the back of your head off fast enough? Yeah...that. If it wasn't for loving people you aren't supposed to love, there would be no such thing as good music. Quote me.

"If it wasn't for loving people you aren't supposed to love, there would be no such thing as good music."

(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
- Yeah, and it was totally gay. I'll never do it again.

(X) Made A Snow Angel
- Yup, gay. Damn it; I made a promise that I was going to stop saying 'gay' in a negative tone. That's the last time.

SO FAR: 27

Level 8

(X) Been Tickled
- I'm embarrassingly ticklish; to the point where I don't even like telling it to people. I don't like being touched at all, and I'll just get angry and uncomfortable with you if you attempt to tickle me. Also, I might poop a little or throw up, so please don't. Whatever the outcome, something's going to be coming out of me.

(X) Been Robbed/Vandalized
- I think everyone has had something stolen from them at some point in their life. For me, the largest amount ever taken from me in one sitting was a student loan that I was forced into putting misleading information on. Due to that slight error in judgment, I'll be paying that thing off for the next 20 years, with a total price tag in the 6-figure column.

If you steal a CD from me, I will destroy you. Mark my words.

(X) Robbed Someone
- When I was in the 8th Grade, I stole a friend's girlfriend. Harsh, I know. Five years later, I did the same exact thing.

(X) Been Misunderstood
- I won't even dignify this with a response. If you've never been misunderstood, then you're a deaf, dumb mute with no limbs who is so seriously handicapped that nobody even bothers to acknowledge you for any reason.

(X) Pet A Deer
- Yes. I've pet many deer. Maybe hundreds. I've shot none.

SO FAR: 32

Level 9

(X) Been Suspended From School
- When I was a Junior, I believe, I was suspended for logging into an Industrial Arts class computer under someone else's' name in order to copy their test answers. I was sent home that day, but in a move that I wouldn't have seen coming from a mile away, my dad of all people showed up for next day's conference and talked my way out of further disciplinary action. You should have seen him; he was like F. Lee Bailey in the Principal's office. It was amazing.

(X) Been Asked To Leave School
- In my school, you were not allowed to wear shorts until a specific date. This was either done to keep irresponsible kids from freezing to death, or merely to further shove the District's manhood down the throats of the student body. Whatever the case, I wasn't playing along.

When I was told that I wasn't allowed to wear shorts, they insisted that I wear a pair of sweatpants from the lost-and-found bin; a true fate worse than death for a Middle Schooler. I walked.

(X) Been In A Car/Motorcycle Accident
- Nothing serious, but I've been in about 2 fender-benders and 1 accident that cause major damage to the vehicle. No personal injuries, unless you count the time I hit that deer and pooped my pants.

(X) Had Someone Else Wear Your Clothes To School
- The girl I was seeing for some of my Senior year liked to wear my shirts, and who was I to stop her? Furthermore, it portrayed us as a couple that slept together, and I enjoyed that greatly, even if it was a hollow lie.

(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 8 Hours
- This might be the least believable fact on here, actually. Back in the day, I was capable of talking on the phone for over eight hours on many occasions. 6pm-2am was a common occurrence, sometimes 2-3 nights a week. Eventually, the Internet arrived and put an end to that nonsense.

SO FAR: 37
Level 10

(X) Stayed Up All Night
- My personal record is 46 hours. I got up at a Washington D.C. hotel at 6am, flew home, stayed up all night with friends, spent the next day at a carnival and didn't fall asleep until 4am the next day. I'll break that record someday, and broadcast the entire marathon in my Live Video Chat.

(X) Got A Concussion
- Fat friend. Aluminum baseball bat. No peripheral vision. One hospital visit and a week's worth of two hours of sleep a night. A concussion is pretty much brain damage on a base level, and it's a terribly sickening and scary feeling to know that you're now slightly closer to retardation than you were a day ago.

(X) Slept Naked
-Yeah, a few times, but I absolutely hate it. It's unclean; regardless of how many times you wash your sheets and shower. Furthermore, one wrong adjustment in the middle of the night can lead to serious repercussions in the morning. I'm speaking mainly to the guys out there.

(X) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger
- I'll tell you, it certainly doesn't happen a lot (it happens to the Missus on a weekly basis), but yes, I has happened to me a time or two. They were all probably blind or on the verge of being institutionalized, however. More than likely, I was being made fun on.

(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
- I don't know what it is about me, but I'm a magnet for stuff like this. In school, I was probably flashed more times than Joe Francis, minus the fact that he's a complete freaking greaseball.

The absolute funniest time was when I was flashed by a friend at a record store. I was outside, and she was inside, facing me from the store window. She was wearing a tube top, and when she tried to quickly re-adjust herself, the tube top pretty much fell down to her knees, attracting the unwanted attention of nearly everyone walking down the sidewalk. That's what you get for being slutty, I suppose. You can't pick and choose your attention when breasts are involved.

You’ve done 42 out of 50 random things!

Hey, alright! Awesome. Good for me.

Let's get random in the comments section! Sound off with questions, comments, concerns and Random Things of your own. Thanks; enjoy your day.

Monday, March 10

Lost Monday - "The Other Woman."

The Other Woman.
Season 4 - Episode 6: "The Other Woman."

Another Lost Monday us upon us. We have much to discuss; it's good to be back.

For obsessive CDP readers, you'll know that the last week or two has been an...off one for yours truly. External circumstances got the best of me, took a carnival-style Clown Hammer to my weenal area and left me for dead. I fought through that crap, however, and I'm ready to lay out my creative groundwork for the remainder of the year. It starts today; you picked a good time to show up.

Wow, just throw a headset my way and I'd be Tony Robbins.

I needed a re-birth this weekend to shake the frustrations of Winter off of me, so I did the next-best thing by drinking myself into oblivion and starting from scratch. Sometimes, all you need to make a fresh start is a bottle of Jameson. It's cheaper than therapy, although it's probably not a great message to be sending out to the kids. My head hurts, I received a noise complaint from the neighbors and I haven't showered in three days, but I feel better than I have since Thanksgiving.

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("Damn, it feels good to be an evil bastard.")

So, in short, I'm back. I'm refocused, re-energized and healthy. I'm sitting in my spotless office, listening to a Nat King Cole collaboration album with George Shearing, taking care of myself and preparing to launch into this week's Lost Monday. My Pac-Man playing has decreased during my mental hiatus, but my current high score is 35,080. I'll get better.

Bow To The King.
(Thanks to my late Great Grandmother for all the wonderful music.)

Sometimes, I don't think people know what they want. After the bizarre and polarizing Desmond episode we throttled through two weeks ago, a lot of folks were done with Lost. It had jumped the shark. It was too baffling. They didn't understand it. OMG, WTF?

However, after the slower-paced and far more understandable episode we got last week, still people wanted to complain. It didn't answer any questions. It hung around the house. Come on! What do you want? If there's one thing you should know by now concerning Lost, it's that they like to set the table in an unassuming fashion before all hell breaks loose. And trust me, with the last two episodes before the month-long break, all hell will break loose.

Shining like a beefy, smoke-flavored beacon in the night sky, it's the Thick & Meaty!

Thick And Meaty!

IN FLASHBACKS:

At the barracks, we see Juliet during her first week on the island, in a therapy session with Harper. Harper looks like the type of person that might stab your pets if you try to break up with her. Tom busts in and leads Juliet to Ben, who unveils Juliet's home to her. When Juliet asks why she should get such a nice place when she'll only be staying for six months, Ben laughs nervously and breaks into a full sprint for the jungle. He isn't seen for the rest of the episode.

Months later, Juliet is treating Goodwin for a burn when it's discovered that Goodwin is Harper's husband. That does stop him and Juliet from sleeping together, though. He just can't resist women that look like they're constantly thinking of ways to screw him over. Welcome to my world, Dude Who's About To Be Impaled.

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("Hey Juliet, do you know how to treat an impaling?")

Ben finds out about this romantic tryst and becomes jealous, as he has a strong crush on Juliet. We find this out when he passes her a 'Check Yes Or No' letter during 4th Period Algebra One. She checks 'Maybe,' only furthering the problem. You can really scar a kid for life by leading them on like that, Juliet.

Harper also finds out about the affair, and she's more concerned with how Ben is going to take the news. Harper tells Juliet that 'she looks just like her,' just another of the hundreds of unnamed folks that I'm expecting to show up shortly before the series is over to make everything right in the world again. As a side note, do we really need another woman on the island that looks like another woman on the island? I'm starting to lose track of the stupid grins and dirty blonde hair.

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(The latex skin hides the titanium skeleton pretty well.)

Juliet and Goodwin are sharing a date on the beach, with Goodwin talking about taking their relationship public. Juliet doesn't think this is a good idea, to which Goodwin asks why.

Minutes later, Goodwin is impaled on a pole. That's why, bitch.

As we find out, when Flight 815 crashed, Ben pretty much sent Goodwin on a suicide mission to get him away from Juliet. Never underestimate the lengths a skinny, weird guy will go to end up with the woman he digs. We also find out that the 'list' given to Ben was handed down to him by someone else, and he's not questioning why he's keeping the people that were on it. Sounds like Ben works for the state.

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("Hello, I was wondering if I could be slightly more relevant?")

In the final flashback, Ben leads Juliet to Goodwin's rotting husk, where he tells her that he knew about the affair. When Juliet freaks out, Ben reminds her that the reason she's still on the island is because "you're mine." He then awkwardly attempts to climb the gentle slope back to the Barracks while Juliet is left to grieve with Goodwin. Classy.

It's becoming obvious at this point that Ben isn't much more than a spoiled, squirrelly brat that resorts to murder, manipulation and genocide when things don't go his way. For the most part, however, he's mainly fueled by love and emotional neglect. By this regard, he's more of a tragic character than anything. Maybe if Daddy would have hugged him more, we could have prevented all of this. Nonetheless, it raises today's Question Of The Week.

Question Of The Week.

"How Emo Is Benjamin Linus?"

Level 1 - My Chemical Romance/Jimmy Eat World.
Level 2 - The Get-Up Kids/The Promise Ring.
Level 3 - At The Drive-In/Fugazi.
Level 4 - Sunny Day Real Estate/The Cure.
Level 5 - Chris Crocker.

Of course, the correct answer is Level 6 - Weezer's Pinkerton. Thanks for playing!

ON THE ISLAND:

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(Battered women. Sounds delicious, but that doesn't make it right.)

Daniel and Charlotte head off in search of the Tempest Station in private, as Jack and Juliet take off after them. In the jungle, Juliet sees Harper, who tells her than Ben wants her to kill Charlotte and Daniel when she finds them. Harper tells Juliet that he's still giving orders despite being held prisoner, and is "right where he wants to be." Typical nerd; that guy will find a basement to dwell in anywhere. All he needs is a bag of Doritos and a 12-sided die, and his weekend is booked solid.

Daniel and Charlotte are moseying towards the Tempest when Kate stumbles upon them and gets suspicious of their actions. She gets pistol-whipped for her actions, which I quite enjoyed. Kate should get knocked out every week, if you ask me.

Ben continues to manipulate Locke in the barracks. In exchange for a little bit of freedom, he offers to show Locke some information that he wants. In what I felt was a wasted opportunity, Locke simply asks him where he keeps the French Dressing. That guy just doesn't get it.

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("I can't believe I'm in Speed Racer. I'll do anything for cash.")

Jack and Juliet find Kate, who informs them that Charlotte and Daniel had gas masks on them. Fearing that they are about to eradicate the entire island, they pick up the pace to the Tempest. As a side note, 'The Tempest' is also the name of a carnival ride I once rode as a child at a carnival. I threw up about eight Slim Jims and a pound of cotton candy. Thanks for reminding me of that, Lost.

Back at the Barracks, Ben shows Locke a piece of film starring Charles Widmore. He is the one who's responsible for the freighter and has been trying to find the island. Ben says that he doesn't know how Charles knows about the island, but that he probably wants to exploit it. He gives Locke all of the information he has collected on Widmore, yet Locke demands that he give him the identity of his spy on the freighter. Ben tells him, but we are left to wonder who it is.

Hmm...

My
Instincts sure
Could
Help
Answer
Everyone's
Lingering question.

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(Charles Widmore: Kicking ass and raising hot daughters since 1956.)

Back at the Tempest, Juliet corners Daniel while he's frantically typing equations into the blaring computer. He claims that he's trying to make the poisonous gas inert, but Charlotte shows up and a catfight ensues. Charlotte backs up Daniel's story, saying that they are trying to prevent Ben from using the gas to kill everyone on the island. Daniel, true to form, stops the explosion seconds before time runs out. Way to go, jerk!

In the aftermath, Juliet and Jack have a moment where she tells him that Ben will stop at nothing to win this battle and keep her for his own. Jack uses this opportunity to introduce Juliet to his tongue. Nom nom nom.

Back at the Barracks, Ben is a free man, as Hurley and Sawyer look on in shock, horseshoes in hand. Smash-cut, episode over.

I quite enjoyed this episode. It sets the stage for two more thrilling episodes before the 4-5 week break. What you need to remember is that Season 4 is all about how they come to leave the island, Season 5 is all about what happens after they leave, and Season 6 is all about why they need to go back. By that way of thinking, you may be happier with the pacing and amount of questions being answered.

Dinah '62!
(Good hangover music.)

The second half of Lost Monday is being brought to you by Dinah '62 by Dinah Washington. Let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - At the very beginning of the episode, you can see that one of Harper's therapy diplomas was from the Hanso Foundation. It's good to see that they hire their own; that creates brand loyalty and whatnot. Furthermore, it supports my current theory that Harper is an alien.

8 - When mentioned that Ben has already used poisonous gas to kill everyone on the island, this either refers to a situation we're not yet familiar with, or the time when he gassed everyone in DHARMA back in the day. It would also explain why people like Desmond and Kelvin felt they needed to wear Hazmat suits every time they ventured outside of the Hatch. Same deal for the 'seeekness' that Rousseau likes to blather about so much.

15 - So, how did Ben know that Charlotte and Daniel were heading to the Tempest? Sure, he could have gotten this information from his freighter spy, but how is he keeping in touch with him? Clearly, Locke wasn't doing a very good job of keeping tabs on Ben. It's just the same that he released him in exchange for some information; he sucks at keeping prisoners. I hope he pulled that grenade out of Miles' mouth at some point.

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("HIIISSSSSSSS!!!!!!!")

16 - For quite some time now, they have been dropping hints that Charles Widmore has an interest in finding this island. Interesting still is the fact that his daughter was trying to find it for seemingly different reasons. Crazier still is that during our flash-forward to a crazy Jack (the farthest we've flashed forward so far), the location of the island remains a secret to the general public, including Jack himself.

No joke there, just interesting.

Penis.

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(This is a rare and complicated medical procedure called 'The First Base.')

23 - Elizabeth Mitchell said that "it was emotionally draining shooting this episode" because she was intimidated by Matthew Fox's acting skills. Matthew Fox? Really? She later found out that it wasn't Matthew Fox she was impressed by, but a tree that she was merely leaning against. People are always mistaking that stupid tree for Matthew.

42 - Did Ben tell Locke who his man on the boat was? Yes. Will we find out next week? Yes. Will I tell you in The Preview? Yes. Do we know who this person is? Yes. Does my jaw sometimes click when I get up in the morning? Yes.

Close your eyes! Spoilers Ahoy! Wear something sexy! It's The Preview!

Ji-Yeon.

1 - Episode 7 will be titled 'Ji-Yeon,' and it is Jin and Sun-centric. The flash-device that they use this week will once again reinvent the format they've been tinkering with. Expect what the cast of the show say is the 'most shocking episode of the season.' Jiyeon is also the name of Jin & Sun's baby, so that should shed some light on the outcome of this episode for you.

2 - The official press release from ABC reads: "Juliet is forced to reveal some startling news to Jin when Sun threatens to move to Locke's camp. Meanwhile, Sayid and Desmond begin to get an idea of the freighter crew's mission when they meet the ship's Captain." Oh, and they traveled through time and everything you think you know is a lie. Perfect.

3 - By the end of this episode, the Oceanic 6 will be revealed. Expect a major death this week, of an original Flight 815 cast member. Serious stuff, folks. Also, expect to see it presented in a way that no other Lost death has been filmed.

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(Oh, shake it off, Goodwin! Put some Robitussin on it.)

4 - Ben's man on the boat is Michael. That should be the huge cliffhanger leading us into the final episode of the first half of the season. Walt will show up eventually, too. For those who aren't too keen on the concept of time travel and parallel universe-stuff, you may want to buckle in for the rest of the season.

5 - This is a huge episode. Nothing more needs to be said here.

Well, there you have it, another Lost Monday in the books. Thanks for reading, sound off in the comments section and send all erotic photography to communistdance@yahoo.com. As always, here are links to every Lost Monday so far this season. Enjoy your day.

Lost Monday - Episode 1 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 2 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 4 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 5 Recap.