Friday, May 23

You're A Money Bin, Baby, And I'm Scrooge McDuck.

Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade 3.

More information to follow shortly. The theme and sign-up info will arrive on June 6. Be ready.

Next week will be entirely devoted to the Lost season finale, as we wind down Season 4 and prepare for the final Lost Monday...ever.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your extended weekend. The CDP will return on Tuesday.

Tuesday - Lost Monday: Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1).
Wednesday - Lost Monday: Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 2).

Wednesday, May 21

Sell My Old Clothes, I'm Off To Heaven.

There's a beautiful sky tonight.

Before we moved into our current home, me and the Missus decided to do a fair amount of Spring cleaning, particularly with our old clothing. It had been about six years since I rooted through my old clothes, and we felt it was necessary to do so before the move, as a way to trim the fat and give Goodwill a hefty donation (and subsequent hefty tax deduction for ourselves).

I learned a few things about myself during that afternoon spent in the basement. Mainly that I used to listen to a lot of terrible bands whom I felt the need to endorse in t-shirt form, and I, for whatever reason, thought I was a size Large when I was 20 (I'm a Small at 26, and I've gained no less than 30 pounds since 2002). When the dust settled, there were 14 garbage bags, stuffed to the hilt, with clothing I no longer had a use for. 14 bags. Enough for some college student to wear a different shirt every day for a year.

Apparently, I was the Vanna White of punk kids. For as anti-establishment and anti-fashion as I thought I was, I clearly spent a lot of time at the mall. I also stumbled across three Hawaiian shirts and two bowling shirts, which are the only two reasons I still remember that Gadzooks (and the brief revival of Swing music) ever existed.

So, now what? We contemplated the various things we could do with the gently-used clothing that would A) Make us a little bit of money, and B) Be as easy as possible to undertake.

Initially, we figured Goodwill was the way to go. It's for a good cause (mainly poor kids and rich kids that want to pretend they're poor), and also, they like to employ people that are far too terrifying to work at Old Navy or The Gap. Oh, and they also have cheap vinyl and most locations smell like Play-Doh. It was a done deal; Goodwill rules, provided I only have to shop there ironically.

The Missus then informed me that we would need to tear through each garbage bag and individually itemize each shirt and if we wanted to get a fair shake concerning our tax deduction. This was an instant deal-breaker for me, as I'm far too busy and care far too little to hand-detail fifteen thousand Mr. T Experience shirts and studded belts. At this point, I honestly just wanted to throw everything away and forget about it. After all, the shirts weren't bringing us any money sitting in the basement; why should I bust my balls to wring some cash out of them now?

The Missus suggested eBay, as we do have a lot of out-of-print band shirts in great condition. Perhaps we could make an absolute killing off of online auction nerds that can't seem to live another day without the Catch-22 shirt I haven't worn since my old band got banned for life from the Blue Moon Coffee House in Neenah, Wisconsin (I think someone was thrown through a table that night). Of course, the work needed to maintain 400 different auctions and ship 400 shirts to 400 different locations seemed like a considerably harder task than the Goodwill schtick I already put the kibosh on. I said no deal, and we continued to brainstorm.

"Hey, what about a garage sale?" Said the Missus, who is very intelligent for the four hours a day that she's been awake this month. "There's a lot of teenagers around here, they might like some of this stuff."

Part of me was all ears. Another part of me thought she was greatly overestimating how much 2008's teenagers would care about the defunct bands of 1999. Show me a 16-year-old girl that's currently obsessed with The Promise Ring or Lifetime, and I'll show you a 26-year-old guy that she might want to stay away from; things just don't work that way. Furthermore, having a garage sale with nice, blank shirts is all-encompassing as far as your demographic goes. Band shirts, however, appeal only to specific people and turn away the rest. It's going to be fairly difficult to sell a Queers shirt to a kid who doesn't know who they are, and who also prefers to come home from school every day without the elastic waistband from his boxer shorts wrapped firmly around his head.

That being said, approximately 65% of the other shirts were indeed ready-made for the rummage table. Fruity-ass sweaters with snowflakes on them. Tees sporting crude sayings that only White Trash still finds funny in this day and age. Denim and plaid by the metric ton (for what it's worth, there was a span of about four years where County Seat was my favorite store). Every one of my phases was on display, here. Perhaps a garage sale wasn't that bad of an idea after all.

I had never operated a rummage sale, and I needed some advice, so I called up one of the most brilliant and seasoned minds available when it came to the art of the garage-stravaganza, my mom.

CDP - "Hey mom, what's up?"

MOM - "Nothing much, just going through all the photo albums and putting banana stickers over your face. Maybe the Chiquita logo will look more like the son I wanted to have."

CDP - "Fair enough. Hey, I'm thinking about having a garage sale."

MOM - "Finally getting rid of all those 80's toys and remnants of your faded youth?"

CDP - "Um...no, I'm hanging onto those for a little while longer. Actually, I'm about to liquidate a lot of old shirts."

MOM - "That's for the best. I always thought you looked a little retarded in those clothes."

CDP - "Why didn't you say anything?"

MOM - "Well, I was operating under the suspicion that you actually were mentally deficient, so I wanted to remain sensitive should Social Services ever pay a visit."

CDP - "I see. Looking out for your firstborn, 'eh?"

MOM - "Yeah, something like that. Look, ask me a question or let me get back to forgetting about you."

CDP - "Sorry, okay. How do I put on a rummage sale?"

MOM - "You put price tags on the shirts, put the shirts on a table and put the table in the garage."

CDP - "Talk slower, I'm taking notes."

MOM - "That's it."

CDP - "Oh, really? Awesome. Hey, just one more thing..."

MOM - "You need to open the garage door, first."

CDP - "Perfect, thanks. Hey, if you weren't busy this weekend, I'd love to-"

MOM - (click)

I thought I'd be ready and willing to rummage it up after talking to my mom, but she only made me doubt the decision even more. Once the neighborhood ghouls made off with my best clothes for next-to-nothing prices, I'd still be left with hundreds of crappy shirts that nobody wants, which will put be back to square one. I needed to find a way to get rid of everything, all at once.

Therefore, I'm putting the question out to you, the CDP Faithful. What should I do with all these clothes? I've given you five options to mull over.

Choice #1. Have a rummage sale and hope for the best.
Workload - Low.
Cash Earned - Minimal.
No More Clothes? - Not Likely.

Choice #2. Spend all Summer monitoring 400 eBay auctions.
Workload - Extremely High.
Cash Earned - Fair To Moderate.
No More Clothes? - Eventually.

Choice #3. Suck it up, individually itemize and stock Goodwill.
Workload - High.
Cash Earned - Decent-Sized Tax Deduction.
No More clothes? - Indeed.

Choice #4. Throw the bags in the Goodwill drop box and speed away.
Workload - Nonexistent.
Cash Earned - Not A Dime.
No More Clothes? - Yup.

Choice #5 - Bonfire keg party.
Workload - None.
Cash Earned - None.
No More Clothes? - A dustpan's worth.

Help a brother out. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Monday, May 19

Lost Monday - "There's No Place Like Home."

Lost Monday - There's No Place Like Home.
Season 4 - Episode 12: "There's No Place Like Home (Part 1)."

Another Lost Monday is upon us, we have much to discuss.

Season 4 has been like no other in the history of Lost. Strike-shortened, they were forced to cram 16 episodes of material in 13 hours, and they delivered in a commendable way, setting a pace that we had never seen in their typically plodding and deliberate storyline. So it seems fitting that it's hard to believe that we only have one more episode left until Season 4 is officially over and done with, leaving us to wait until January 2009 for the Greatest Drama in Television History to pick up where they left off.

This week, we had the first act to a 3-act season finale, which delivered in a big way. We saw the return of the Oceanic 6 to the mainland, we saw a few more post-rescue flash-forwards, Hurley ate some cake and Aaron was played by three different babies and a plastic doll. It was significantly more rad than this description can properly warrant.

So let's do this. It's time for The Thick And Meaty!

The Thick & Meaty!

AT THE BEACH WHERE THE BEACH LIVES.

Jack and Kate head out to find the rescue helicopter. Daniel realizes that the Orchid will make time and space all wonky, and tells Charlotte that they need to leave the show immediately before it starts to get too silly for its own good.

IN THE JUNGLE WHERE THE JUNGLE LIVES.

Kate and Jack run into Miles, Sawyer and Aaron. They inform Jack and Kate that Claire ran off into the jungle, and she was just too annoying for them to muster up the productivity to chase after her.

Kate, Aaron and Miles head back to the beach, while Jack and Sawyer head in search of the chopper. When they find Frank, he informs them that Keamy is an evil bastard, and they need to make sure Hurley is as far away from him as possible when he reaches the Orchid.

Kate and Sayid head back out in search of the castaways, when they are suddenly surrounded by Richard Guyliner and his Merry Group of Hostiles.

They're Chewy And Delicious!
("Hurry! Captain just baked cookies, and there's only five left! They're chewy and delicious!")

BACK AT THE BEACH WHERE THE BEACH CONTINUES TO LIVE.

Daniel, Sun, Jin, Aaron and a few random extras get on the zodiac raft towards the freighter. The extras are one of my least favorite parts of the show. It should really all be speaking parts at this point.

ON THE FREIGHTER WHERE MICHAEL CONTINUES TO SULK.

The freighter is rigged with explosives. Jin wants his Rolex watch back from Michael.

ON THE WAY TO ORCHID TOWNE, USA.

Ben makes mirror signals to an unseen dude as they head towards the Orchid. Once there, he surrenders to Keamy and his men, while Locke infiltrates the Orchid Station. Hurley hangs back and eats 15 year old Dharma Saltines.

This Is Why Our Nation Is So Screwed Up.
(Man, I'm so tired of people using Jesus as a weapon.)

FLASH-FORWARD - OCEANIC 6: SPONSORED BY OCEANIC.

The Oceanic 6 are dropped at a base in Hawaii for the press conference. They all stick with the false story, which has yet to be determined as to why. This is kind of big deal, as they got rescued, and it was an insanely cool moment for the show. The reporters make fun of Hurley's weight, hereby making it uncool for me to do so anymore.

FLASH-FORWARD - SAYID THE INSUFFERABLE IRAQI.

Sayid meets up with Nadia. They share a hug, only to instantly get married and have Nadia be murdered by ruthless henchmen.

FLASH-FORWARD - SUN THE SEXY STOCKHOLDER.

Sun calls out her dad for never liking Jin, uses her fat Oceanic settlement to buy a large amount of stock in the company, and tells him to suck it. Paik's eye gets all twitchy.

Speak A Full Sentence, And I'll Eat My Damn Hat.
("Muffin pickle lumberjack pants.")

FLASH-FORWARD - HURLEY THE BOUNTIFUL BILLIONAIRE.

A party is thrown for Hurley, but he has a freak-out and runs down the street when The Numbers rear their ugly head in the car that his dad had restored for him. Damn you, Cheech!

FLASH-FORWARD - JACK THE PILL-POPPIN' PHYSICIAN.

Jack makes a speech at his dad's wake, only to run into Christian's shadow wife, who informs him that Claire is his half-sister, and Aaron is his nephew. He takes this a little hard.

FLASH-FORWARD - AARON THE BABY.

Poops self and cries for the duration. I'll never forgive the Lost crew for letting this kid be part of the Oceanic 6.

That's a lot to cover. Better Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - At Hurley's surprise party, Sayid is sporting a wedding ring, implying that he is already married to Nadia at this point. They did not screw around, it would appear.

Furthermore, I like how often member of the Oceanic 6 appear in the other's flash-forwards. The idea that Sayid flew halfway around the world to hang out with Hurley for a few hours is hilarious to me. I can't believe that any of them ever fly at all.

8 - Ben's Morse Code message to whomever was up in the mountains was 'seize.' Expect to see Keamy and his men get taken out, Hostile-style.

15 - Taken From Lostpedia: "Hurley's birthday party scene contained the following Easter eggs: 4 palm trees on the lanai, 8 helium balloons tied by the pool, 15 presents on the lanai table, 16 party hats worn by background individuals, 23 & 42 were the numbers on the jerseys worn on the 2 boys crossing over the pool right after the DJ was shown."

This is precisely why I love Hurley-centric stories. The producers pepper his episodes with crap like this.

You Don't Recognize Me, Do You?
("Your dad was a man-whore and you've abandoned your sister. Nice to meet you.")

16 - Claire's mom was played by a new actress this time around; different from her character's only other appearance in 'Par Avion.' In her first appearance, she did not have a speaking part.

If you remember, she was in a coma for many years after a car accident, and was actually still in the coma when Claire boarded Oceanic 815. Same character, different actress, fine with me.

23 - I enjoyed the multiple convergences at the end of this episode. Hell, they even used music that they typically don't use during an episode of Lost. Seeing how the Oceanic 6 will eventually come together and become the only ones to be rescued is getting neater by the week. I've always been a fan of literary devices where you know what's going to happen, but have no idea how the characters are going to get to that particular point. Typically, a storyline that dense cannot be done within the breakneck confines of a television show. Just another reason why Lost is better than you.

I Wish You Were Dead.
("I'll miss you, you terrifying, residually haunting bastard.")

42 - Sun tells her dad that there are two people responsible for Jin's death, and he is one of them. Who is the other person? I'm assuming we'll find out next week.

You know, it was awesome to see the Oceanic 6 off of the island, safe and sound (regardless of what we know is about to happen to them, and despite the fact that they're lying to the world for some yet-unexplained reason), but I couldn't help but think that they should have lived their post-island lives a little differently. It would have certainly saved some unnecessary stress in the future.

5 Awesome Things.
("The survivors crashed here, on Make Believe Island.")

Here now, 5 Awesome Things that the Oceanic 6 (minus stupid, alien-esque Aaron, who I will never recognize as a Flight 815 survivor) should have done upon reaching the mainland and getting that sweet Oceanic hush money.

This Is Airtight; We Just Say That Hurley Ate Everyone.
("Our story is airtight. Just say that we hid out in a theater that was showing Speed Racer.")

1. Jack.

What He Did - Went back to the medical practice. Was driven insane with guilt and remorse; now pops pills, drinks booze and has more facial hair than Jim Morrison in Paris.

What He Should Have Done - Retired, purchased Red Sox season tickets and had sex with Kate until the end of time.

Pa-Tooie.
(For whatever reason, Kate enjoyed puking in Jack's water bottle.)

2. Kate.

What She Did - Raised Aaron as her own. Was acquitted of murder and now seemingly functions as a housewife.

What She Should Have Done - Actually, this has turned out pretty good for her. Too bad she'll never not be a scheming, dishonest whore that subconsciously shatters her every attempt at personal happiness. Kind of shot herself in the foot, there.

So...Do You Like Golf?
("So...do you like baseball, or....?")

3. Sayid.

What He Did - Driven by rage, now works for Ben Linus as a personal hitman, killing people that probably have little to nothing to do with the death if his wife, Nadia.

What He Should Have Done - Became a local pro at the Winchester Hills Golf Club in Winchester, Wisconsin. It's right next to my grandma's house.

Dude...Dude...Dude...
(Maybe Hurley is the numbers. Anyone ever think of that?)

4. Hurley.

What He Did - Went batshit crazy.

What He Should Have Done - Took the medicine.

Yes, I'm Marrying A Wisconsin Humorist, That's Correct.
("I was saved by the brilliant American humorist and author, Ryan J. Zeinert.")

5. Sun.

What She Did - Attempted to get back at her father by purchasing a sizeable amount of stock in the company. Got even more pregnant-er.

What She Should Have Done - Moved in with nationally-known and acclaimed Wisconsin author, blogger and humorist, Ryan J. Zeinert.

That's what they should have done.

Spoilers ahoy! All will be revealed for the finale! It's time for The Preview!

The Preview.
("Now, you know for a fact that my sexiness will deflect those bullets.")

1 - The season finale is titled "There's No Place Like Home (Parts 2 & 3)." It should continue to focus on the Oceanic 6, and it will be two hours (8-10pm Central), so TiVo, nap and poop accordingly.

2 - The official press release from ABC reads: "The face-off between the survivors and the freighter people continues, and the Oceanic Six find themselves closer to rescue."

Wow, thanks for all the juicy details, Vaguey McVaguerson; I would have never guessed that it would end this way. They might as well have said: "Survivors of a plane crash attempt to live on a mysterious island."

The Wings Are Getting Cold!
("Did someone say 'Fondue?' Don't start without me! WAAAALLLLLT!")

3 - The cast listing for the finale is spectacular and wildly open for theorization and speculation. Making an appearance will be Walt, Richard Alpert, Christian Shepard, Penny Widmore, Charles Widmore, Michael's mom and the triumphant return of Dr. Marvin Candle. I'm assuming Dr. Markvin Candlewick has something to do with the Orchid Station, which is pretty much the shark that Lost is in danger of jumping over heading into Season 5.

4 - Mined from the Interweb: "A big scene is being planned for filming currently involving the rescue. The Freighter people are NOT the ones that do the rescuing. The season finale will leave you ballistic as far as cliffhangers go." Quite frankly, I would have expected nothing less.

Also remember that Lost won't return until January of 2009, so yeah...that's pretty much terrible. Here's hoping that by the time the Season 5 premiere hits the airwaves, President Obama will be all sworn in and inaugurated right proper.

I Think I'm Gonna Yak, Chief.
("Jack, your small intestine is looking at me. Might want to get re-stitched.")

5 - People keep telling me about this spectacular, mind-blowing kiss that's set to take place during the finale. The way they've been building it up, there's no way I won't be let down unless Yunjin Kim herself shows up at my door at plants one on me. That being said, my theory is that a kiss will take place at the exact time that the Orchid Station does it's time-travelin' magic and essentially stops the world in its tracks. Yeah, it sounds lame, but you never know with Lost.

Well, there you have it; another lemon-scented Lost Monday in the books. Start the conversation in the comments section, send all hate mail and erotic photography to communistdance@yahoo.com, and catch up on Season 4 by checking out every Lost Monday from this year. Cheers.

Lost Monday - Episode 1 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 2 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 4 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 5 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 6 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 7 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 9 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 10 Recap.