Friday, May 30

Lost Friday - Retrospective Edition.

Lost Friday - Retrospective Edition.

Today's post serves two functions. First, it's a place to discuss the Lost Season 4 Finale without having to wait until Lost Monday. Secondly, it's a chance to dig around the Lost Friday/Monday archives, in preparation for the Final Lost Monday Ever.

I'm writing this post on Thursday afternoon, still hours away from the season finale, so...er...I mean, I'm writing this essay early Friday morning! Wow, what a finale that was! Wasn't it crazy when....that....thing...happened? What was that thing? That was amazing!

Look, I've written over 75 editions of Lost Friday/Monday (with today's post being at least #76). Some of them were hilarious, some of them outright sucked, some of them were uninspired and most of them were awesome. Hundreds upon hundreds of pages of jokes, speculation, satire and respect for the greatest television drama in American history. I've received thousands of fans because of it, gathered tons of e-mail and even got nominated for a few awards in the Lost blogosphere. I always said that I'd wrap it up when I no longer enjoyed writing it or if I felt the quality was slipping due to my schedule and dedication, and that's what I need to do at this point in time. For better or for worse, know that I'm done writing Lost Monday for the greater good of the CDP.

If you were one of the folks that showed up to the CDP solely for the Lost recaps, I implore you to stick around. As it were, I'm a pretty good storyteller in my own right.

To put it bluntly, I don't think I'll miss writing Lost Monday. I don't feel vain in saying that I put an assload of work into every one of those dumb little turds; I think that my recaps, at their best, were better than pretty much any other recaps on the planet. That being said, I haven't had a good night's sleep on a Sunday in a very long time because of it, and it's due time I got caught up.

I'll still talk about Lost, I just won't be investing six hours a week trying to create a funny recap of it. If you're pissed off because I'm through with Lost Monday, don't be. I didn't want to tread water with uninspired recaps for the sake of traffic, and do something just because it might keep a few extra readers around. That ain't me, and I hope you respect that.

So, with that being said, please enjoy the upcoming final chapter in the Lost Friday/Monday saga by checking out every single one of them. I didn't really hit my stride until the second half of Season 2 or so, but they're all worth the clicking if you're interested. Let's go.

Season 4.

Season 4.

Season 4 - Episode 1 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 2 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap
Season 4 - Episode 4 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap
Season 4 - Episode 5 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 6 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 7 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 9 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 10 Recap
Season 4 - Episode 12 Recap
Season 4 - Finale Edition 1
Season 4 - Finale Edition 2
Season 4 - Finale Edition 3

Season 3.

Season 3.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 2 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 3 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 4 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 5 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 6 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 7 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 8 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 9 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 10 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 11 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 12 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 13 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 14 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 15 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 16 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 17 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 18 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 19 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 20 Recap
Season 3 - Episode 21 Recap
Season 3 - Finale Edition 1
Season 3 - Finale Edition 2
Season 3 - Finale Edition 3
Season 3 - Episode 22/23 Recap

Season 2.

Season 2.

SEASON TWO - EPISODE 23/24 RECAP
SEASON TWO - FINALE EDITION 2
SEASON TWO - FINALE EDITION 1
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 22 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 21 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 20 RECAP
SEASON TWO - CLIP SHOW EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 19 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 18 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 17 RECAP
SEASON TWO - TEMPORARY EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 16 RECAP
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 8
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 7
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 15 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 14 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 13 RECAP
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 6
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 12 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 11 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 10 RECAP
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 5
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 4
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 9 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 RECAP
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 RECAP
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 RECAP
SEASON 2 PREVIEW

Thank you so much for giving Lost Friday/Monday an audience. Sound off in the comments section, discuss the Season 4 finale and enjoy your weekend.

MONDAY: THE FINAL LOST MONDAY.

Thursday, May 29

Lost Thursday - 14 Blown Predictions Edition.

14 Blown Predictions.

As season 4 draws to a close, it's a good time to reflect on the vast, three year history of Lost episode recaps on the CDP. With Lost Friday/Monday about to ride off into the sunset for the final time, I thought it would be a good opportunity to showcase those moments where I blew it in the worst way.

A show like Lost lends itself to wild speculation and theorizing; we've all done it. And even though Lost Friday/Monday was, for the most part, a satirization of that week's episode, I still liked to pretend I was an insider and made predictions for the upcoming weeks. Because I like to poke fun at myself (and because I like to begin sentences with 'and' and 'because'), I'm taking this time to spotlight the 14 Worst Predictions in Lost Friday/Monday History. They're ranked in increasing order of complete and total ignorant insanity; a good time will be had by all.

Let's go.

Blown Prediction #14. "I think the island is shaped like an octagon."
Season 2: Episode 17

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - I thought that the Blast Door Map that Kelvin made outlined the island, which would have given it an octagonal shape. Seemed like a good theory at the time, although I now realize that when Sayid ventured off to map the island, he surely would have noticed all the straight lines and geometric angles.

Blown Prediction #13. "On the mythology front, something’s going on with Vincent. He’s always around before something weird or bad happens. It’s been speculated in the past that he’s the special one, and not Walt, and this could mean that he's working as a mole for the others."
Season 2: Episode 13

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - I so badly wanted Vincent to be more important than he actually was. Even though there's still time for a crazy Vincent revelation to pop up, it's beginning to look slim. Furthermore, isn't anyone else bummed that he wasn't one of the Oceanic 6?

Blown Prediction #12. "We will see Mr. Widmore, the man behind Widmore Construction. The rumor is that Widmore was contracted by Dharma to build the stations on the island."
– Season 2: Episode 19

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - Well, to be fair, his company might have been contracted to build the Dharma stations, but his overarching stake in the island was, at best, severely understated at this point.

Blown Prediction #11. "Desmond is apparently a great athlete or physical specimen. Ethan was the same way. Also notice that there are bunk beds in Desmond’s room. Perhaps he and Ethan lived together."
– Season 2: Episode 1

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - Today, the idea of Desmond and Ethan shaking up together in the Swan Hatch is hilarious. He's a pretty decent athlete, though, if he'd just lay off the whiskey.

Blown Prediction #10. "Ethan came into the camp unnoticed because he came up through the water. This must be where the entry and exit to the hatch is."
– Season 2: Episode 1

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - Remember when we all thought there was just one hatch on the island? Weren't those good times? After all that time speculating about a mythical, underwater hatch, we get to see it in the Season 3 finale for no more than 10 minutes, before it's more or less abandoned and discarded. A bit somber, if you ask me.

Blown Prediction #9. "Ana Lucia was on that plane to assist the Marshall in capturing Kate."
– Season 2: Episode 6

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - I didn't realize this, but just because you're a police officer in the state of California, that doesn't necessarily mean that you know every other cop in the state of California. Boy, was my face red!

Blown Prediction #8. "There are 6 Dharma Initiative hatches on the island, all designed to monitor and experiment on the 6 programs funded by the Hanso Foundation. The six hatches seem to be named after the 6 star systems in the constellation Apollo (remember the candy bar?), so if this is true, here are all six hatch names: Swan, Arrow, Crow, Goblet, Serpent Handler and Hunter."
– Season 2: Episode 7

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - This theory was akin to taking a crack on a Wheel Of Fortune puzzle with only one letter on the board. Although, I was a little bummed out to realize that there wasn't going to be a Dharma Station called 'The Serpent Handler.'

Blown Prediction #7. "Eko wasn't on Oceanic 815. He was one of the ministers on the Nigerian drug plane, and he's been on the island ever since, either on his own or as an Other."
– Season 2: Episode 7

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - Shortly after I brainstormed this brilliant and clearly well-thought-out theory, I saw a picture of Eko running around in the Ocean wreckage with the rest of the Flight 815 castaways. In retrospect, I should have just deleted this nonsense altogether. Also, the idea that Eko would still be walking around the island in a suit after all these years is, to put it mildly, retarded.

Blown Prediction #6. "Remember when Locke and Boone were searching for the beechcraft, and John's legs started to give out on him? Perhaps Locke was getting too far away from the hatch and its healing electromagnetic field, causing his legs to atrophy again."
– Season 2: Episode 18

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - Look, hindsight is 20/20, and this seemed like a good theory at the time. Looking back, I think that Locke's legs gave out on him because he was just very, very tired.

Blown Prediction #5. "The Others are disguising themselves because they might be recognized by castaways as people they knew before the crash. Considering that the plane crash was set up, there might be Others that were relatively close to some of the castaways beforehand."
– Season 2: Episode 15

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - There isn't a fake beard on this Earth that would keep me from recognizing someone I've already met. Furthermore, this would be a serious test of the audience's patience, to think that the castaways wouldn't be able to recognize someone just because they were donning a dirty shirt and a fake mustache. Ludicrous across the board, here.

Blown Prediction #4. "Ana Lucia didn't kill Shannon. Rousseau is still on a killing spree that started when she waxed her entire "sick" crew. She fears this infection, and has been spying on the Castaways for quite a while now. The "sickness" has something to do with hearing the voices all around you in the jungle. Sayid and Shannon both have it, and this is why Sayid was able to see Walt along with Shannon. So, Rousseau knows that Shannon is infected and kills her. When we resume this story, we'll see Rousseau with a gunshot wound, feet from the carnage. Mark my words."
– Season 2: Episode 6

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - The obsession surrounding Season 2 of Lost lent itself quite well to not trusting anything that the writers and producers clearly lay out for us. Even though we saw Ana shoot Shannon, a bizarre edit made it look shady enough to speculate over for a week. Nowadays, I haven't the energy to dig this deep for a conspiracy.

Blown Prediction #3. "Taking the nature of the Others into consideration, can it be possible that Henry Gale is an Alex-type prisoner? What I mean is, could Henry have been someone kidnapped by the Others at an earlier age and raised to follow their teachings and experiments?"
– Season 2: Episode 16

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - Knowing what we know now, this theory is absolutely hilarious. Henry Gale went on to become Benjamin Linus, Alex went on to be Benjamin's kidnapped daughter, and Ben himself exterminated the entire Dharma Initiative as a child, with the help of Richard and the Hostiles. I actually think I got 30 things wrong with this prediction.

Blown Prediction #2. "Dharma was responsible for the plane crash; it was all set up ahead of time. The psychic in Australia was in on it, convincing Claire to board flight 815. Dharma was aware that Aaron was special as soon as he was conceived. They wanted this baby so bad, and their power was so far-reaching, that they essentially did everything up to this point for the sole purpose of getting this baby."
– Season 2: Episode 15

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - True, the Others wanted Aaron, but they didn't suck a plane out of the sky for that sole purpose. When we found out that Desmond accidentally crashed Flight 815, the seemingly random nature of the show blended seamlessly with the meticulous and structured nature of the plotline. Also, I've wasted my life.

#1. "Vincent will be a bigger part of season two, even getting a flashback episode of his own. He will be partly responsible for locating Walt once he returns, and an important tool in getting inside Walt's mind."
– Season 2 Preview

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? - Jesus. That's what I have to say for myself.

Hey, the Lost Season 4 Finale is on tonight! Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Wednesday, May 28

Lost Wednesday - Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 2).

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Welcome to the second half of the Lost Monday Season 4 Calalcade of Captions. Enjoy.

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(Three minutes after his arrival on the show, Daniel manages to ruin everything.)

The arrival of Daniel brought the unavoidable arrival of Time Travel and general wonkiness to the Lost universe. Thanks, jerkass. Furthermore, it's just too easy to mock this guy. I might even be able to kick his ass.

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("Damn, it feels good to be an evil bastard.")

Ben needs Locke and Hurley as allies right now, so he's been rather nice to them as of late. However, I can assure you that once the threat of Keamy is off, he'll go right back to being the slimiest villian on national television. What's more, I've really improved my Ben Linus impression around the house; it scares the hell out of the Missus.

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("Hey Juliet, do you know how to treat an impaling?")

See, because he went on to be impaled by Ana Lucia. See?

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("I was wondering if I could possibly be any less relevant.")

I think it's hilarious that at this point, Claire's baby is more significant than she is, and Aaron can't even talk or walk ten steps without crapping in his pants. Sort of like Peter O'Toole.

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("I can't believe I was in Speed Racer. I'll do anything for cash.")

I suppose, however, that there are worse things in the world than hanging out with Christina Ricci for three months.

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(Charles Widmore: Kicking ass and raising hot daughters since 1956.)

Widmore holds the secret to everything. Hopefully he'll talk before Sayid decides to kill him.

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(This is a complicated surgical procedure known as 'The First Base.')

Second base to follow shortly. Then Jack puts a Journey album on, and it's smooth sailing from there on out. Such a player he is.

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(Jin tries in vain to find a Korean video game that isn't violently pornographic.)

I originally had this caption say "RAAALLLT!!!", but yeah, that was sort of out-of-line. Instead, I changed it to something even more stereotypical and borderline-racist. Way to go, me.

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("Bitch said what?")

Juliet told Jin than Sun had an affair. That was wild; like an episode of Maury broke out on the island. I fully expected Jin to get hit with a chair at some point.

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("Jin, did I ever tell you about the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville back in those days. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah—the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...")

When you need comedy gold, just rip off The Simpsons, and good fortune will follow.

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(Jack Shepard. Surgeon. Hero. Mildly retarded.)

Judging from interviews and press junkets, Matthew Fox is a professional, serious guy with a limited sense of humor and a fair amount of image to uphold. Based on this criteria, I'm certain that he wouldn't hesitate to knock my ass out if we ever ran into each other, due to years of my making fun of him.

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("You could say that...um...well, speaking coherently is not my...um...primary concern.")

Have some compassion for your listening audience, Daniel! Think a thought through!

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(John McCain takes a lie detector test.)

This is the 2008 equivalent of "George W. Bush tries to make toast."

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(When your life has been ruined as many times as Sayid's, you pretty much look like this all the time.)

Next to Locke, no Lost character has experienced as much other-worldly trauma as Sayid. He actually went on to marry a girl that he tortured, only to have her get murdered by someone else. Furthermore, let us not forget how quickly he fell in love with Shannon on the island, before she got accidentally capped. Tell me again why Sayid liked her?

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(Man, I'm so sick of people trying to use Jesus as a weapon.)

Come for the poop jokes, stay for the subtle socio-political statements.

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("Your dad was a man-whore and you've abandoned your sister. Nice to meet you.")

This must have been a rough day for Jack. I bet he went home and beat the crap out of Kate.

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("Our story is airtight. We'll just say that we hid out in a theater that was showing Speed Racer.")

Two Speed Racer jokes for the price of one! Nobody saw it!

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("Hurry! Captain baked cookies and there's only five left! They're chewy and delicious!")

He's Barry Gibb, right down to the open shirt. All he needs is a massive gold medallion.

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("Jack, your small intestine is saying hello to me. Might want to get that re-stitched.")

I thought about this scenario for like, 10 minutes when I wrote it. About how Sawyer would see Jack's intestines slipping out of the hole in his gut, and how he would give the intestine a witty, depreciating nickname, like "Slippery" or "Shirt Snake." Jack would continue to deny that he's in pain, and make up some medical excuse as to why it would appear that his intestines are popping out of his abdomen, like, "It's just gas escaping" or "That's typical drainage." This would continue for days, until Jack would be just dragging a mile-long length of his insides all around the island, continually denying that anything was wrong. Then, Jack's intestines would have a flashback to when they were safely tucked away before the botched appendectomy, and we'll find out that they had met Richard Alpert and... they seriously could have made an entire episode about that.

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("Did someone say 'fondue?' Don't start without me! WAAAAALLLLLLT!!!")

At CDP Headquarters, we play a little game where we exclaim 'WAAAALLLLT!!!' every time Michael or Walt shows up on screen. It's like our own version of Rocky Horror, except that Lost isn't one of the most overrated, annoying and outwardly awful pieces of recorded media of all-time.

Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. More Lost Season Finale goodness to follow tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 27

Lost Tuesday - Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1).

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To this day, I can't get over how funny this picture of Desmond is. Nor can I deny how much he looks like Barry Gibb. "I'm not gonna take any crap from anybody!"

Anyways, this week will be completely devoted to the Season 4 finale of Lost, and what better way to kick things off than with a smattering of some of the best Lost Monday captions of this season?

...Okay. Arguably, there are many better ways than this, but I was operating on a deadline. Enjoy.

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(I've seen the future, and it's a world without razors.)

I can't remember who told me, but someone said that this was their favorite caption ever. In all honestly, I think I wrote this at about 2am on a Sunday, and still have yet to determine if it's funny or not.

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("So, it's settled; Charlie doesn't deserve a funeral. Who wants dinner?")

Personally, I'm still hoping for his husk to wash ashore at some point. Considering the time-traveling wackiness we can expect in Season 5, he'll probably come back to life during Sweeps.

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(Hurley risks life and limb to rescue a 'Cool Ranch' Dorito he accidentally dropped into the ocean.)

Now I know why children make fun of fatter children. It's easy, hilarious and wrong on almost every level of class.

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(Oh look, a Patriots fan.)

I bet that still hurts, 'eh?

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("HAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!")

I think my initial joke was something along the lines of, "I'm stuck in the vending machine again," or some crap, but I know where the belly laughs truly reside.

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("Kate, it's Jack. Have you seen my right eye?")

It's rare that I get to make sight gags on the CDP.

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(Meet Daniel Faraday. The world's first living, breathing, waterproof Muppet.)

I enjoy this caption, mainly because I think that 'The Waterproof Muppets' would be a tremendously rad band name.

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(Locke slaps Hurley across the face with the power of his mind.)

This is the funniest caption of the bunch, no question about it. Sometimes I'll see a photo, and the joke is already there; everytime I see this picture, I snortle heartily.

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("Hello, liquor store? Can you deliver a quart of scotch directly to my liver?")

If anyone's ever heard the classic comedy bit by Hudson & Landry, titled 'Ajax Liquor Store,' you'll know precisely why this is funnier than it should be. For the rest of you that didn't grow up listening to 50-year-old comedy records, you're probably in a much better position anyway.

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(Naomi does this neat thing where she sleeps with her eyes open. Forever.)

I like this, mainly because I was really glad to see Naomi get killed off so quickly. And by Locke, no less.

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("Listen brother, there's only room on this island for one crazy, bearded drunk, and it's ME!")

I recycled this joke for when I wrote an episode of the Pop Crunch show. Nobody seemed to notice, and the money spent the same.

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("I have freckles, Herpies. Wait, I mean I have herpies, Freckles.")

Again, another one of those jokes that comes at two in the morning, after staring at Sawyer's dumbass expression for six minutes in a row. Is it funny? We'll never know.

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("Boy, I'd sure like to blow an Asian guy's face clean off today.")

If you recall, this was the episode where Locke crammed a live grenade into Miles' mouth and left him to think about what he did. The joy that Locke seems to have in thinking this thought through is one of the reasons I think it works well.

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("MITTENS!")

Jack makes more Special-Ed faces than the rest of the cast combined.

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("Hey bayliff, we're wearing the same khakis. High five.")

This is funnier if you imagine the bayliff looking back at him like he's insane.

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("You may want to opt for the plea bargain, Kate; you've somehow managed to kill eight people on your way here today.")

Tell me again why we're supposed to like Kate, and hope that she ends up safe and sound? She's a sociopath, murderer and a bank robber. She may be cute, but come on, the baggage alone is enough to fill the chasm between Michael Strahan's teeth.

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(Apparently, Daniel was a PHD in Douchebagology at Oxford.)

If you don't want to punch that guy right in the snoot, then I don't know if we can be friends.

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(Desmond realized he was a bit off-course when he saw a dolphin swim past the helicopter.)

This is funny.

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("Time travel? Are you f***ing kidding me?")

This represents the utter bafflement and disbelief of every hardcore Lost fan out there that doesn't want to see their beloved show fall off the deep end. Time will tell.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Wednesday - Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 2).

Monday, May 26

Weezer - 'Pork & Beans.'



Hell yeah, Weezer is back, bitches!

The above clip is the first single from their new album ('THE RED ALBUM' - OUT TOMORROW!), titled 'Pork & Beans.' The song itself is a return to form, chorus-wise, with quirky lyrics, no solos and an insanely catchy verse melody.

Taking a cue from the new millenium Viral Video trend, Weezer once again plants itself dead-center in the bullseye of Pop Culture, producing one of the most epic music videos I've seen in years. Sure, this will be horribly outdated in a matter of a year or two, but for now, it's jaw-droppingly hilarious, brilliant and precisely indicative of the overall theme of the song. I can't believe that they managed to get all of these viral wierdos in the same room together.

Absolutely awesome.

Weezer's 'Blue Album' was the first compact disk I ever purchased. Since then, Rivers and co. have stuck beside me through thick and thin, and I have done the same for them. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Tomorrow - Lost Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1.)