Friday, August 22

My Car On Google Street View.



I'm a published author. I've been interviewed dozens of times. My blog has received hundreds of thousands of visitors and fans over the last 4.5 years. The CDP has been voted Wisconsin's funniest since 2005. A Google search of my name returns 12,200 results. People have recognized me on the street, and I have been complimented and praised by complete strangers.

And yet, none of that matched the pure, unbridled joy that I felt when I saw my car parked in my driveway on Google Street View. This blurry, pixelated snapshot taken from a robotic camera mounted on the roof of a Toyota Prius caused me to leap from my chair, call the Missus into my office and point at the monitor like a monkey with a new mirror.

"It's my car!" I exclaimed. "In our driveway!"

"That's very nice," replied the Missus. "Can we order a pizza now?"

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, August 21

10 Olympic Events That I Might Be Able To Win.



With the incredible 2008 Summer Olympics winding down, it got me to thinking about my own skills and weaknesses. Watching these one-of-a-kind physical specimens break records and do the impossible made me begin to question what my personal, one-of-a-kind talents happen to be. The things that set me apart from the pack; the things that I could be the best at, and not even know.

Here's what I came up with.

These are the 10 physically and mentally taxing activities I believe I can do better than anyone on the planet, and compete on a global scale therein. Once these events are finally (and justifiably so) instituted in the Olympiad, I'll be the USA's best hope for gold since Mark Spitz's mustache gave birth to Michael Phelps' lovechild. Here we go.

1. Determining if anything in my office has been moved a quarter of an inch, and correctly identifying the guilty party for questioning.

2. Urinating without making any splashing sounds in the bowl whatsoever. This talent is heightened between the hours of 1-5am.

3. Attracting the unwarranted attention of lonely psychotics at the supermarket. This talent is also heightened between the hours of 1-5am.

4. Stealthily retrieving the mail in my boxer shorts without being seen and subsequently arrested by local authorities.

5. Predicting when a lightbulb is going to burn out within two hours (Note: This event, due to length of competition, may have to begin months before the official start of the Olympics, or even years in the case of a fluorescent bulb.).

6. Knowing the exact moment when the water softener runs out of salt, by the sole act of washing my hair. I consider this talent to border on telekinesis, and I have an open challenge pending with Uri Geller.

7. When my cat throws up, I can hear it at work. There's got to be a way I can harness that gift, even if we can't make some sort of contest out of it.

8. Watching Schindler's List without crying.

9. Watching Norbit without crying.

10. During all the swimming events that took place last week, I kept hearing announcer Rowdy Gaines say things like, "This guy is the greatest breast stroker in the world!"

I beg to differ, and I'm ready to step up. 2 tha' streetz, if need be.

Sound off in the comments section, share your Gold Medal talent and enjoy your day.


TOMORROW: I'm Caught By Google Street View.

Wednesday, August 20

10 Hard-Hitting Answers From The CDP.



On Monday, I axed some hard-hitting questions. Here now, my own personal answers.

QUESTION #1. You wear glasses or contact lenses. Suddenly, a miracle pill comes along that will fix your eyes perfectly, without the aid of surgery. For a relatively low price, your eyes will remain 20/20 until the day you die. The only catch is that after you take this pill, you can never again wear glasses, hats, earrings, or any other cranium-based accessory for the rest of your life. Eye makeup is also not allowed.

Do you take the pill?

THEME: Is style and vanity worth more than substance and necessity?

MY ANSWER: I have perfect vision, so I can only answer this hypothetically, which is to say that I’d choose temporary ocular solutions for life in exchange for keeping my vanity. I wouldn’t take the pill.

TIDBIT: Even though I value them more than perfect vision, cranial accessories have been quite the burden for yours truly. Hats fit me about as well as someone with Microcephaly, and at the age of 18, an infected ear piercing left me with a permanent scar and one of the bloodiest Emergency Room visits of my life. That all being said, I think people prefer superficial choices over boring fixes, and I'm part of that majority.

QUESTION #2. You want to be in a band. One night, the Devil makes you a deal that will instantly rocket you to super-stardom, multi platinum success, instrumental and songwriting talent, adoring fans and critical acclaim for the duration of your musical career. The downside is that in exchange for this fame, your all-time favorite band will cease to exist. Any memory of their music or historical legacy will disappear forever, and you will never be able to hear any of their songs ever again.

Do you take the deal?

THEME: Will personal success fill an emotional void this large?

MY ANSWER: This question was slightly misunderstood, in that nobody (yourself included), would ever know that your favorite band existed. The question lied in the thought of your own questionable talent taking the place of another in the timeline of mankind. Is your success worth robbing humanity of The Beatles, Bob Dylan or Mozart? In my opinion, my favorite band needs to exist on Earth, and regardless of my fantasies of stardom, I’m not taking the deal.

TIDBIT: Initially, this question was written to say 'The Beatles' instead of 'Your Favorite Band,' but I thought that would make it too easy to decide if you were on the fence about the Fab 4.

QUESTION #3. You are offered the sum of one billion dollars to never engage in any type of sex again. Breaking of this rule will result in instant death.

Do you take the offer?

THEME: What if money couldn’t buy everything?

MY ANSWER: Love and Money are, more or less, the two biggest driving forces in our lives (I feel that power and faith can be easily replaced by love and money). That being said, you can be happy without money; you can’t survive without love. I’m not taking the cash.

TIDBIT: In the grand game of Life, boobs always win. Always. Believe me, if I had any sort of control over this undeniable fact, I'd be the first to reverse the trend. I just....can't.

QUESTION #4. You've been offered one of two options. One, you are allowed to continue living life as normal with your significant other, with the knowledge that he or she will die in exactly three years. You can never share this information with them, and they will never be aware of this fact. Or two, you can immediately terminate the relationship, and he or she will live a long, healthy live and die comfortably at the age of 90. The only downside is that you can never explain your actions to your significant other, and you will never be able to see them again.

Do you terminate the relationship?

THEME: Is love and selflessness worth it at any cost?

MY ANSWER: If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If you purposely sabotage a loving relationship for the sake of the love of your other half, when do they cease to be your other half? If you love someone and let them go (and they can’t come back), then, in my opinion, your relationship ceases to exist. I’d rather spend three years with my wife than 65 years without her, and I know she’d say the same thing about me. Sorry kids, I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

TIDBIT: The Missus agrees with me, so I'm right. You have no basis by which to dispute me.

QUESTION #5. You are offered a guest-starring role in the series finale of the ABC TV show Lost, where it is revealed that all of the happenings on the island have been taking place in the head of an autistic boy or girl, played by you. Should you choose to take this role, you will be a part of television history forever, but the backlash will be instantly and universally panned. Should you choose to not take this role, however, the finale will conclude under significantly more plausible circumstances, cementing Lost's place in history as the greatest television drama of all-time.

Do you play the role?


THEME: Is being a part of history worth it, regardless of how negative a part you play? What is the cost of fame?

MY ANSWER: No. No times a million. I will not ruin Lost; not for all the money or I Love The New Millennium appearances in the world. This was an easy one, although I thought it was a funny question. And yes, the ‘autistic child’ thing came directly from St. Elsewhere.

TIDBIT: It should be noted that I'd have no problem ruining just about any other television show in exchange for even an infinitesimal amount of fame.

QUESTION #6. You are granted the power of x-ray vision for clothing only; you are now able to see anyone in the nude. However, you are unable to toggle the x-ray vision. For the rest of your life, everyone you look at will appear naked, and you will never be able to see clothing again.

Do you want this power?


THEME: Do the risks of a superpower outweigh the seemingly small reward?

MY ANSWER: I like this one, because it calls your Id to task. When I think about it, however, there aren’t all that many people I want to see naked anyways. I don’t take the power, but there will be many days where I regret this decision.

TIDBIT: People always compare 'X-Ray Vision' to nudity, when in fact, you'd only be seeing everyone's skeletons. When did this just become commonplace?

QUESTION #7. Through an address mix-up at the CIA, you are mailed an envelope containing the unbelievably true stories behind the moon landing (faked), Kennedy assassination (cover-up), Roswell crash (UFO) and the interpretive ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey (beats me). Once you open this envelope, you will know the truth behind all of these events, but from that point forward, everyone you meet will be convinced that you are insane. No matter what facts you present, arguments you make or books you write, you will be branded a loon and be permanently ostracized from the life that you once knew. You will never be believed by anyone.

Do you open the envelope?

THEME: How important is knowledge if it cannot be shared?

MY ANSWER: To me, knowledge is my spirituality. It’s my faith. Knowing things separates me from those forced to believe in things they cannot prove. But if everything I believed, regardless of its authenticity, led to my global ostracizing, what would its worth be? I’d know what a conservative Christian feels like, sure, but I’m not in the business of being a lunatic.

Oh, screw it. I’m opening the envelope. I don’t care what people think of me.

TIDBIT: With it being so easy to convince people of anything, no matter how ludicrous, it would be strange to not have anyone on Earth believe in you. Only O.J. Simpson understands this feeling for sure.

QUESTION #8. While getting the newspaper one morning, a Brinks truck crashes outside of your house, spilling tens of millions of dollars into your driveway. The driver, fearing losing his job for not following standard security protocol and for being drunk, offers you half of the money in exchange for your testimony that says you saw him get robbed at gunpoint by a street gang. In addition to this, the money contained in the truck was originally headed for the American Cancer Society to assist in the invention of an experimental device that may cure cancer (the odds of it working are about 15%). Without this specific cash delivery, the machine will not be able to be invented for another 17 years. The money can not be traced back to you in any way, and your testimony will be perceived as the truth by a judge and jury. If you refuse the money from the driver, he will shoot you in the kneecaps and flee, causing you considerable mobility problems and pain for the rest of your life.

What do you do?

THEME: Easy money…but at what moral (and bizarre) cost?

MY ANSWER: I kept adding stipulations to this one because I liked that it kept getting more outlandish and difficult to keep track of. Of course, I forgot about the loophole where you just donate the money that you receive. Sure, the machine still can’t be built for another 17 years, but hey, every penny helps. I’d donate half of the money and keep the rest; nobody would be the wiser.

TIDBIT: I like money, and every time I'm driving behind a Brinks truck, I get awfully religious.

QUESTION #9. Through a post-apocalyptic Death Race competition, you are crowned the champion and rewarded with anything you want for the rest of your life. The only drawback is that every time you blink, you will crap your pants. This is incurable and unavoidable in every way.

Is it worth it?


THEME: What's so powerful that it makes everything worth nothing?

MY ANSWER: There are things in this world that aren’t worth all of the money and power in the world. But pooping your pants a few million times? Surely, we can learn to deal with this minor setback, right? Right?

Nope. I’m out.

TIDBIT: I bet this is a real ailment, and someday I will watch a two-hour documentary devoted to it on the Discovery Health channel.

QUESTION #10. You're in a passionate and long-term relationship with a significant other named Pat. In fact, you love Pat so much that you end up getting the name tattooed across your windpipe, which can never be removed or covered up. Months later, you and Pat are forced to part under frustrating circumstances, and you're left to find someone else to spend your life with. Soon enough, a wonderful person named Chris enters your life, bringing with it just as much love and passion as your previous relationship with Pat. However, you also start a relationship with a new person named Pat. Your relationship with this new Pat isn't on the level as your relationship with Chris, yet it's decent enough to fulfill your needs.

Do you choose Pat over Chris because you already have a 'Pat' tattoo?

THEME: None, really; just funny.

MY ANSWER: Out of all of the questions I’ve asked, this is the one that it the most like my train of thought. I probably would stick with Pat, purely for the lazy, apathetic and passive-aggressive reason that I already have her name tattooed on my neck. You ever watch a television show that you didn’t like, just because the remote control was too far away for your lazy ass to reach? Yeah, that’s how I live my life.

TIDBIT: Okay, not really. I'd stock up on turtlenecks and call it a day.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.


TOMORROW: 10 Olympic Events I Could Probably Win.

Monday, August 18

10 Hard-Hitting Questions From The CDP.


(Thanks, Chuck.)

1. You wear glasses or contact lenses. Suddenly, a miracle pill comes along that will fix your eyes perfectly, without the aid of surgery. For a relatively low price, your eyes will remain 20/20 until the day you die. The only catch is that after you take this pill, you can never again wear glasses, hats, earrings, or any other cranium-based accessory for the rest of your life. Eye makeup is also not allowed.

Do you take the pill?

2. You want to be in a band. One night, the Devil makes you a deal that will instantly rocket you to super-stardom, multi platinum success, instrumental and songwriting talent, adoring fans and critical acclaim for the duration of your musical career. The downside is that in exchange for this fame, your all-time favorite band will cease to exist. Any memory of their music or historical legacy will disappear forever, and you will never be able to hear any of their songs ever again.

Do you take the deal?

3. You are offered the sum of one billion dollars to never engage in any type of sex again. Breaking of this rule will result in instant death.

Do you take the offer?

4. You've been offered one of two options. One, you are allowed to continue living life as normal with your significant other, with the knowledge that he or she will die in exactly three years. You can never share this information with them, and they will never be aware of this fact. Or two, you can immediately terminate the relationship, and he or she will live a long, healthy live and die comfortably at the age of 90. The only downside is that you can never explain your actions to your significant other, and you will never be able to see them again.

Do you terminate the relationship?

5. You are offered a guest-starring role in the series finale of the ABC TV show Lost, where it is revealed that all of the happenings on the island have been taking place in the head of an autistic boy or girl, played by you. Should you choose to take this role, you will be a part of television history forever, but the backlash will be instantly and universally panned. Should you choose to not take this role, however, the finale will conclude under significantly more plausible circumstances, cementing Lost's place in history as the greatest television drama of all-time.

Do you play the role?

6. You are granted the power of x-ray vision for clothing only; you are now able to see anyone in the nude. However, you are unable to toggle the x-ray vision. For the rest of your life, everyone you look at will appear naked, and you will never be able to see clothing again.

Do you want this power?

7. Through an address mix-up at the CIA, you are mailed an envelope containing the unbelievably true stories behind the moon landing (faked), Kennedy assassination (cover-up), Roswell crash (UFO) and the interpretive ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey (beats me). Once you open this envelope, you will know the truth behind all of these events, but from that point forward, everyone you meet will be convinced that you are insane. No matter what facts you present, arguments you make or books you write, you will be branded a loon and be permanently ostracized from the life that you once knew. You will never be believed by anyone.

Do you open the envelope?

8. While getting the newspaper one morning, a Brinks truck crashes outside of your house, spilling tens of millions of dollars into your driveway. The driver, fearing losing his job for not following standard security protocol and for being drunk, offers you half of the money in exchange for your testimony that says you saw him get robbed at gunpoint by a street gang. In addition to this, the money contained in the truck was originally headed for the American Cancer Society to assist in the invention of an experimental device that may cure cancer (the odds of it working are about 15%). Without this specific cash delivery, the machine will not be able to be invented for another 17 years. The money can not be traced back to you in any way, and your testimony will be perceived as the truth by a judge and jury. If you refuse the money from the driver, he will shoot you in the kneecaps and flee, causing you considerable mobility problems and pain for the rest of your life.

What do you do?

9. Through a post-apocalyptic Death Race competition, you are crowned the champion and rewarded with anything you want for the rest of your life. The only drawback is that every time you blink, you will crap your pants. This is incurable and unavoidable in every way.

Is it worth it?

10. You're in a passionate and long-term relationship with a significant other named Pat. In fact, you love Pat so much that you end up getting the name tattooed across your windpipe, which can never be removed or covered up. Months later, you and Pat are forced to part under frustrating circumstances, and you're left to find someone else to spend your life with. Soon enough, a wonderful person named Chris enters your life, bringing with it just as much love and passion as your previous relationship with Pat. However, you also start a relationship with a new person named Pat. Your relationship with this new Pat isn't on the level as your relationship with Chris, yet it's decent enough to fulfill your needs.

Do you choose Pat over Chris because you already have a 'Pat' tattoo?

Sound off in the comments section with your answers and enjoy your week.