Wednesday, August 12

What The Hell Am I Doing On The Mississippi River?

(Here you see me getting some tips from the master. Of course, when I say 'Master,' I mean 'One of the Most Overrated Humorists in American History. He cracked me up with a dick joke, though.)

(One of the things I was most excited for on the Mississippi was to climb aboard a riverboat casino, troll up and down the great River, win some cash and maybe get into a gunfight or two. When the Missus assured me that the riverboat casinos never left the dock, I wasn't quite the same for the duration of the vacation. Everything used to be better.)

(Nobody gets more tail than Lizard Einstein. Nobody. Get it? Tail? Lizards? LOLOlL!1!)

(Read the above caption, freak out, puke, pass out, wake back up and read it again. Christ, look at that stream! If I could do this, I'd...well, I'd pretty much be doing it every waking second. Line at the Supermarket taking too long? GAAAAHHHH!!! Instant Express Lane.)

(Outside of the Riverboat Museum, an elderly attendant was, erm, attending an old-fashioned calliope, which was so loud and grating that he required industrial earplugs. As me and the Missus slunk away, we took bets as to the exact date when his psyche would snap like a twig, causing him to push the entire steam-powered organ into the River and start shooting.)


(I could have been a Riverboat coal miner, I just never owned one of those cool, soot-covered hats.)

(Touring the authentic riverboat was cool. What was even cooler was that, for a fee, they'd let you sleep in the actual bunks overnight as part of a 'roughing it' excursion. I like that you have the opportunity to experience such American history close up. I especially like that people are willing to pay good money to sleep in a thousand-year-old cot. That night, I drank whiskey in the shower and slept on a bed stuffed with hundred dollar bills.)

(This is the bridge that you need to cross to get from Wisconsin to Dubuque. As I saw this from a distance for the first time, I became acutely aware as to why my mom never took me to Dubuque as a kid. She has an insane fear of bridges, especially the ones that are particularily cumbersome looking (you know, the ones that are almost impossible to collapse). I now know where to hide should she someday snap and attempt to murder me.)


Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. More photos tomorrow.

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Aw, I like Mark Twain! Not really because he's so funny, though. More because his satire makes it evident that he hated almost all of humanity, yet most of them were too stupid to realize it.

OK, so do the predators of horned lizards go, "Dude, that mo-fo just shot BLOOD at me from his eyes! WTF? Who does that?" and run off because they recognize that that's kind of sick and twisted, or do they not even realize what it is and just get scared by the general surprise and suddenness of it? I'm just trying to work how this came about from an evolutionary standpoint. I mean, at what point does Mother Nature go, "You know what we haven't tried yet?" and then come up with blood shooting from a creature's eyes?
Sometimes when I have an allergic reaction, I can pull stringly globs of mucous out of my eyeballs. That has to count for something.
Tail. Lizards. Nice.

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