Wednesday, February 17

CDP Wayback Machine - Juvenile Detention Edition.

("1989 CDP Evaluation," originally published 02-27-08.)

I found this First Grade Evaluation amongst a pile of papers my mother sent me late last year. You're going to want to click on the images to make them larger. It's worth it.

1989 Evaluation.

The handwriting on the bottom reads: "The boys think he's really smart, but they're getting tired of his cockiness." She also takes the time to underline 'impulsive' and mention that I have an authority problem (I do), with the multiple X's painting a picture of me that's nothing short of unstoppable evil. On the bright side, I'm hardly ever sad, frustrated or sullen.

There's so much more. Keep reading.

1989 Evaluation.

Again, she takes the time to mention that I'm 'passively' uncooperative, and circles some of the most life-scarring and potentially damaging adjectives a person can say about a child. 'Tics?' 'Bizarre?' Goddamn. I'm quite certain that they no longer use this evaluation form at Winneconne Elementary School. On the bright side, I don't get pushed around and I'm comfortable with the opposite sex (two blatantly untrue statements).

Notice that she never had anything bad to say about my academic achievements. This was all due in part to my being extremely bored with the coursework presented. She didn't stimulate me whatsoever, and I had nothing better to do than to entertain myself. I was never 'impulsive;' if anything, I was frighteningly calculated in my wierdness.

The grand finale is the final comment, which reads: "Ryan is way above First Grade level work. I must always keep him busy, because if I don't, he's distracting others. He has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other childrens' mistakes. He also makes up stories and lies."

The 'has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other childrens' mistakes' line is, without question, one of the funniest things anyone has ever written about me. I laugh my ass off every time I read it. 'Influences others to misbehave' comes in at a close second.

Almost 20 years later, I haven't changed a bit, and that's a damn shame. After all, who would want to be a overachieving, defiant, anti-authority storyteller with no time or tolerance for stupidity? What a terrible fate that would have been.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

WOW, this teacher obviously had no problems whatsoever holding back what she REALLY felt!! or did she...
I remember laughing my head off when I read it the first time -- I did it again.

"has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other childrens' mistakes" is classic. It's better than what a teacher told my parents about my brother: "He participates too much in class."

I also think it's funny that she is complaining about how much further ahead you were and that she was having a hard time keeping you busy. How about actually trying to challenge you?
This is awesome.

By the way, I think where she underlined the "Passive" in "Passive Uncooperation", I think she was not saying your were passive but that your Uncooperation was anything but Passive by underlining that and then checking Not At All. At least that's the way I read it.

On my first grade report the worst thing was that I didn't get my work done because I was too busy explaining to the other kids that they were doing it wrong, which apparently I still do, as made evident by the last paragraph.
Yeah, you're probably right. I'm passively agreeing with you.

On a related note, I cannot fully tell you how cool it is to see a Paste comment on the CDP again. This man has been off the grid for nearly three years!

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