Monday, June 10

This Is Why I Can't Have Kids.

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I don't think I've done this before, so if looking at crap I have lying around isn't your thing, you can skip this one and I'll understand. A few people asked, though, so I decided to take a few pictures of my office and the subterfuge within that has kept me from writing a new book since 2010.

Above is my desk. I bought the largest one I could specifically so I could justify removing the bed we had in here. I didn't want people staying the night at my house anymore, so I basically tried to make it as difficult as possible for them. We have a couple of laptops, an iMac that has served me well for several years now, and a turntable I really should use more. The bulletin board contains some of the more entertaining letters and newspaper clippings pertaining to yours truly. The rest I keep in a filing cabinet (I don't throw any of that stuff out!).

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This is the first shelf above my computer. The Ouija board is vintage (the wooden board is inside). The 'Hell Over Hollywood' pamphlet is a 50's-era piece of propaganda detailing the stranglehold of the Jews in Tinseltown (it's a hilarious read). The 'Thrilling Western' pulp novel is from 1936 (a Western story titled 'Dead Man's Boots). The 'Celia' name tag is the one she wore while working her first job at a grocery store. Oh, and a pair of checkerboard sunglasses I wore in my ska days. The rest is self-explanatory.

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The second shelf is a bunch of Pokemon stuff that belongs to Celia, a Misfits lunchbox I got about a decade ago, a vintage (working) Etch-A-Sketch, and a Geisha I bought at a dollar store. Hey, and a vintage Mr. Potato Head, too!

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The third shelf is mostly Pac-Man stuff. Note the Zeinert's Grocery trucker hat, though. My family used to run a grocery store, and as a kid I thought the hats (that a lot of people seemed to wear, strangely) kicked ass. It wasn't until much later that I found one I could have for my own.

I should briefly mention that I'm not a toy collector. If, for example, I truly wanted to get into Pac-Man memorabilia, there would be no shortage of things for me to spend my money on, but Instead I have, like, six things. I merely buy things when I see them, which should explain the seemingly random, disjointed (and sometimes unappealing) stuff I own. Let's move on.

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This is another shelf when you walk in the door of the office. You'll see a (working) carnival game (with light gun!), a battery-operated Zoltar machine (that tells your fortune!) a (working) Pac-Man handheld game from the 80's, and a Book It! pin I recently scrounged up.

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Here we see another vintage lunchbox (Tom Corbett: Space Cadet!), vintage Batman Halloween mask, vintage metal spark gun (pretty sure they don't make these anymore) and a vintage horse racing game that I use to settle drunken bets (this is how it works). Oh, and a Slinky.

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No toys on the bottom part of the shelf, or the cats would ruin them. Here I just have some comics and magazines I don't wish to part with, and a box of Legos, because...shit, Legos, man! Sometimes you just need to build something. Most of the magazines I keep are copies of Retro Gamer, due to the fact that it's published out of the U.K. and they run about $20 each. I'm keeping them regardless of if I ever read them again.

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Top shelf contains a vintage toy dart board, kickass vintage gumball machine that I got as a gift from my grandma, and a set of 'desk drums' that my mom found for me. The copies of my two books are the original, proof copies, and I essentially keep them here so I don't accidentally mail them out to someone who wants to order right through me. Ignore the whip.

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I found this hollowed-out vintage TV in my great-grandmother's basement, and instantly fell in love with it. The glass is still on the front, and I'm still figuring out what I want to put inside of it (an aquarium seems like the best idea). Atop sits a film canister, a mannequin head wearing a luchador mask (sold separately), and my homie Tom Servo wearing a Hello Kitty party hat and a ton of backstage passes from MMA shows over the years. The Tom Servo is a replica I purchased on eBay a very long time ago, and if you can believe it, I've only bought about three or four things on eBay ever in my life.

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Above the actual TV (you know what a television looks like) I keep a bulletin board with a bunch of fliers from my old band. By the way, this isn't done to bask in former, teenage glory; I just really like punk flier artwork, and since it was my band, I thought it was a win/win. We played a lot more shows than this, these are just the only fliers that survived this long.

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Mandatory office artwork. I think I bought this before I even had a house to put it in.

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Over on the media side of things, you'll see my electronic drum kit and a few guitars. I live in a condo, so I can't really play my acoustic drums, so I figured this was as good of a compromise as any. My DVD/VHS rack is quite small compared to most of my friends, but I never really collected movies to begin with; most of this stuff is pro wrestling and MST3K (the bottom two rows are original recordings of every televised MST3K episode with commercials included). Yeah, I'll put my MST3K collection up against nearly anyone.

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We officially need a third bookshelf, but I'm not in a big hurry to buy (and assemble) one. Celia painted those Simpsons portraits, by the way!

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My homie Ben painted this, and when he (for some reason) didn't want it on his wall anymore, he gave it to me for Christmas after I begged him for it. Dude's edgy. It's huge, by the way.

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I keep the retro video games in the office closet. Since this photo was taken, I've added a second NES, Sega Genesis and Sega Dreamcast (and everything works!). I have a Wii and PS3 downstairs, and I gave my Gamecube and PS2 to my nephew. The PS3 was a rather silly purchase; I don't have time for any video games anymore, and I mainly use it for Netflix (which I also don't have time for anymore).

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CD collection. You've seen this before.

So that's my office. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Comments:
Now I don't feel so odd for having a plush Lumpy Space Princess.
 
The only reason I don't have a LSP is because she was sold out the day I went to Toys-R-Us (got the plush Finn instead). I want some Regular Show stuff but I don't like what they currently have out.
 
I'm always glad to see I'm not the only gainfully employed, responsible adult with a collection of toys and bric-a-brac.
 
Exactly; enjoy it while it lasts.
 

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