Friday, March 25Fuller House Friday - 'Secrets, Lies And Firetrucks/War Of The Roses.'
(Season 1, Episodes 8/9: 'Secrets, Lies And Firetrucks/War Of The Roses.')
Another Fuller House Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss. But first, this word from the fine people at American Girl.
We're in the home stretch here, as Season 1 of Fuller House reaches its emotional, dramatic, and no doubt corpse-stacked climax. We have lies, intrigue, sexual tomfoolery and a memory-encrusted sofa.
No time to waste; are you ready for the Episode 8/9 synopsis?
Season 1, Episode 8: 'Secrets, Lies And Firetrucks.'
Hold tight; we're going fast through this one.
Kimmy and Fernando are attempting a relationship again. Things are hot and spicy, but that never was the issue with their marriage, from what I can tell. One time, Fernando escaped from a hotel rooftop in Barcelona wearing nothing but a matador's cap on his weiner. That's what the man said.
Jackson encourages Max to start lying. His transition to unstoppable sociopath is nearly complete.
Ramona is a teenager now, and no longer wants to do 'kid' activities with her dad:
Ramona - "So no more zoo, no more American Girl store, no more Build-A-Bear-"
Fernando - "Whoa! I can live without the zoo and the bears. But the American Girl store? They're not just dolls. They're heroes with emotional stories!"
Danny shows up because he’s in town for the Wake Up San Francisco reunion show. Didn't he just leave?
Kimmy - "Isn't it kinda sad when they drag out the old cast for some lame reunion show?"
Danny - "Not when the show is adored by millions and the stars are beloved cultural icons."
Cosmo ruins the beloved couch, and it needs to be re-upholstered, much to the sadness of Danny. "This couch is a classic antique! All of our family memories are encrusted into it!"
Max and his friends are trying to one-up each other by talking about how cool and alive their dad's are. One of the kids says that his dad taught their dog to open the fridge and bring him a beer. Max tells him that his dad sounds like an alcoholic. He's still a bit sensitive. He uses his newfound power of lying to say that he has the stroke to have a fire truck show up at this kid's birthday party.
HE'S A LIAR!!!! YEAAHHHHHHHHHH HE'S A LIAR!!!!!
DJ gets advice from Danny about dating again following the death of a spouse. She wants to get more serious with Matt. Like, Chinese Food At The Office After A Long Night Of Inventory-Serious.
At the fire station, Chief Mulrooney won’t let Max ride on the truck, because Danny bumped his song from Wake Up San Francisco 25 years ago. Seems like as good of a reason as any.
DJ and Matt smooch it up at the vet clinic.
Fernando’s obsession with American Girl made me laugh. He brought it up again later in the episode.
So anyway, they have to re-upholster the couch, but they do it the same exact way and make Danny a blazer out of the old, memory-encrusted fabric. It even has change and loose tic-tacs in the pockets. Disgusting.
Danny pulls strings to get Max his fire truck ride. Chief Mulrooney gets to sing Danny Boy on Wake Up San Francisco.
Season 1, Episode 9: 'War Of The Roses.'
Becky is visiting now, following the Wake Up San Francisco reunion show, and she’s obsessed with baby Tommy. As we found out in Episode 1, her kids are sort of jackasses and she wants another infant in the house.
1000 roses show up at the house, and klepto-hoarder Cosmo took the card, so we don’t know who they're from. Everyone's a suspect:
Kimmy - "They must be from Fernando. He's trying so hard to put our marriage back together. Last week he even got a tattoo of me on his left butt cheek."
Steph - "These roses are obviously for me. I just have to figure out who they're from. It could be Darren from the coffee shop, Val from Club Euphoria, or this baseball player I'm seeing."
Kimmy - "Oh, please. Do any of them have your face on their butt?"
Steph - "That's none of your business."
Becky calls Steve (for DJ) to see if he was the one who sent the flowers. He immediately gets weird and possessive. More on him later.
Jackson is still struggling to start a relationship with Lola, but he may be in the Friend Zone, so he prepares a lavish, grandiose statement: A ‘Check Yes Or No’ letter. Do kids still do that?
Ramona - "Once you're in the friend zone, you can never get out. It's like Alcatraz. Or IKEA."
DJ mistakenly thinks Matt sent the roses following their one kiss, so she gets freaked out, fakes a dental emergency and cancels her date. Later on, we find out that Matt went to all 12 'night dentists' in the Bay Area looking for DJ, and this is considered charming to everyone within earshot. Damn, it sure must be nice to be a good-looking man. The thought of him sending all the flowers freaked DJ out, but not the fact that he went to 12 locations checking up on her.
Kimmy, of course, thinks Fernando sent the roses, which he doesn’t admit to NOT sending. Steph theorizes that it was her 'first husband' Harry Takayama, which triggers the classic backyard wedding scene (at least to me) from Season 2.
Becky is dying for any sort of action, here. She briefly thinks that Steph and Harry had sex at the age of 7. After the Baby Fashion Show, however, I’m more concerned with her overall sanity. I suppose a longtime morning show host probably would start acting like this after a while.
DJ - "Aunt Becky, do you have a minute?"
Becky - "Hold that thought. The Baby Fashion Show is about to begin! I call it, "A Day In The Life Of Tommy Fuller. We start our day in playdate casual. Then this little Viking is off to the playground to conquer new sandboxes. What's that? The call of the sea? It's a trip to the marina to see the tall ships. We end our day with a little culture and an evening at the opera. And then it's time for a night cap, and off to bed."
I liked this scene because Becky acted like a crazy person.
Misunderstandings abound with this rose situation. But Becky’s gonna get to the bottom of it. Turns out, it was Jesse. Case closed. He sent a shit-ton of flowers to a house that was not his own, for his wife who was going to be there for two days at the most. That's...great, Uncle Jesse.
Harry Takayama is his CPA, though, so he can probably get a write-off.
- If you think Full House has done an episode like 'War Of The Roses' before, you would be right; the Season 4 episode 'Secret Admirer.' However, that episode was in itself a play on the 1985 film of the same name, which starred Lori Loughlin.
- Going back to the Lucha Kaboom episode, IMDB states that ‘Despite doubles having been hired, Candace Cameron-Bure insisted on performing her own stunts and dance sequences.’ I find this extremely difficult to believe, but like I said Monday, it sure didn’t look like she had a stuntman in the ring, with would be extremely impressive if true.
- Like I said earlier, 'War Of The Roses' references Full House episode 2.10 with Stephanie's backyard wedding to Harry.
- At the end of the episode, DJ, Steph and Kimmy are drinking wine, and we can read on the label the word 'Bure.' The Bure wine is from is a real winery owned in part by Candace Cameron-Bure and her husband Valeri.
- Steph - "One time on the couch, me and David Cantone-"
Danny - "Do not finish this story. This is a good, decent couch. Suitable for the whole family."
Steph - "What? We just watched Gremlins 2. Buck naked. I'm kidding."
Danny - "I never liked that kid. He never used a coaster."
That's about the Bob Saget-iest joke I've ever heard on this show.
- Steph - "What's with the goofy grins? You didn't find my brownies, did you?"
Steph is on drugs. Confirmed.
- Steph - "Come on, Dad. You're gonna love the new couch."
Danny - "I'll sit on it, but don't ask me to love it."
Never mind. That was the Bob Saget-iest joke.
Jackson - "J-Money say what?!"
I'm going to start saying that at least once a day around the house, even though my name doesn't start with a J.
Danny - "Nobody's going to bed till I get my money back. These guys are cleaning me out. But that ends now. Tens and queens. Full House."
Jackson - "Kings and aces. Fuller House."
Oh, you assholes.
There were funny moments in these two episodes for sure, but the foot fungus joke, the 'elephant in the room' gag, "everything's coming up Fernando...", Just a lot of recycled, silly stuff in Episode 9. But if you're already in this far, you might as well see it through with me. I got your back, homie.
Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week. Links to previous reviews are below.
Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review.
Episode 6/7 Review.
Monday, March 21Fuller House Monday - 'The Legend Of El Explosivo/Ramona's Not-So-Epic Party.'
(Season 1, Episodes 6/7: 'The Legend Of El Explosivo/Ramona's Not-So-Epic Party.')
Surprise! Another Fuller House Monday is upon us. We have much to discuss; I care very much about your well-being.
From now until the end of Season 1, Fuller House Monday/Friday is working double-time to give you the Fuller House reviews you've been so desperately clamoring for. Today we review Episodes 6 and 7, and we then return on Friday for a review of Episodes 8 and 9. That's four episode reviews in one week! Have mercy!
The CDP Board of Directors has come to this decision following record traffic numbers and general hysteria on social media. I also fear for my safety as a man and husband should I not churn out enough product to feed the fickle, dangerous blast furnace that is the Internet and Fuller House fans in general. I sleep with a baseball bat under my bed; I'm not afraid of you assholes.
...Okay, let's get it together. Ready for the Episode 6/7 synopsis?
Season 1, Episode 6: 'The Legend Of El Explosivo.'
I just noticed in the opening titles that Max's real name is 'Elias Harger.' I don't know what his middle name is, but after the inevitable killing spree, I assume we all will.
Kimmy has been shopping at the 89-cent Store, because the 99-cent Store is too snooty. The Simpsons already did this ("you fat cats didn't finish your plankton"), but I still think it's humorous. If only for the bag of 'No-Reos' she buys for Ramona and her friends on the dance team, which cannot be eaten near an open flame. No-Reos sound a lot like Happy Fun Ball.
Jackson shows up with a road rash after skateboarding off the top of a friend's tool shed. Max spills the beans about this almost immediately, and DJ (who's rocking some excellent pink lipstick) forbids Jackson from going over there again until she speaks to the friend's parents. I don't recall ever being banned from a friend's house by my mom, mostly because I think I was the house that other friend's parents banned them from. We had a lot of property and power tools.
Steph shows up and tells the family that she is DJ'ing at Lucha Kaboom and has tickets for everyone. Jackson and Max are psyched. DJ is in the dark:
Max - "Guess who's headlining? King Jaguarito! He's king of the jaguars and my favorite wrestler!"
DJ - "Well, as a veterinarian, I am always in favor of raising awareness for endangered jungle cats."
Steph - "Yeah, 'cause that's what wrestling is all about."
In the living room, Ramona and her friends are working on a dance routine, but they’re having trouble trying to think of a big finisher. Kimmy is there to help, though, with the 'Gibbler Gallop,' which is exactly what you think it is.
Studio audience loves it; Ramona and company do not.
At the vet clinic, DJ continues to hit it off with sexy, tall, sweet, unrealistic by most measures of human comprehension, Matt. DJ tells Matt that she’s installing an app on her phone to keep track of Jackson without him knowing. Matt’s a bro, so he’s not really feeling it and let's her know. Stupid sexy Matt, making me like him. DJ sees that Jackson went back to his friend’s house without permission, so she heads there to embarrassingly confront him.
You can tell Bobby Popko is a bad influence because he wears a leather shirt and a wallet chain, and he’s like, 10. I also liked the line from DJ that his name alone sounds like bad news. Mostly because I bet the Writer's Room spent well over an hour trying to think of a 'bad influence'-sounding name. It's not that easy.
They're doing a little Indie Wrestling in Popko's backyard. Jackson's moniker is ‘El Explosivo,’ a wannabe luchador. DJ shows up just in time to see a picture-perfect Jimmy Snuka splash off of the tool shed onto a heavily-padded Max. All Jackson has to do now is get away with murdering his girlfriend, and he'll be just like Snuka.
Jackson lied about having permission to come over. They all think DJ put a dog chip inside of him, which is the reason she knew where he was. Instead, she used ‘Mother’s Intuition,’ which was the name of the tracking app. I laughed.
“I’m on to you, Popko.”
Max pulls a Christmas Story and cannot get up because of all the layers of clothing and bubble wrap.
Back at home, Steph is helping out Ramona and her dance team, who are appreciative that they no longer have to work on the Gibbler Gallop. Kimmy takes this personally, and it’s another excuse to dance around, which I think they try to sneak into every episode. We get a slew of 90’s classics: the Running Man, the Carlton and the MC Hammer Shuffle. I like that The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air exists in the Full/Fuller House Universe.
Ramona's dance team gets to perform at Lucha Kaboom, and for real, Kimmy’s bent out of shape about being pushed out by Steph. Being stuck in the 90’s is sort of an interesting way to go, here. I never thought of Kimmy as stuck in the 90’s. I thought of her more as a staple of 90’s culture that has been in cryogenic deep freeze since the 90’s. It’s not an insult; she reminds me of most mothers my age who lived through the 90’s at about the same time…I’m overthinking this. Kimmy says she’s all 80’s, anyway.
Jackson, although he’s doing his best to apologize, has been grounded and forbidden from going to Lucha Kaboom. Kimmy is jealous of Steph and her Cool Aunt status and big boobs. Her words, not mine.
Holy chalupas! Max is enjoying the best day of his life at Lucha Kaboom. I gotta say, it does look pretty fun. Ramona’s dance team is down a member due to explosivo diarrhea, and even though they want Steph to fill in, Steph defers to Kimmy. Kimmy is already wearing the outfit underneath her windbreaker and refuses to own up to the obvious fact that she poisoned the 4th member of Ramona’s team.
Lucha Kaboom looks pretty dope; sort of a cross between Lucha Underground, Chikara and Chuck E. Cheese. There’s even a costume contest for the kids, and you know Max is ready to roll. He wins the contest and, when told by his idol that he should judge him 'only by the size of the heart that he rips from his opponent’s chest,' Max thinks this is beautiful.
Psychopath. Next level psychopath. A full 22 on the Most Evil Scale.
Kimmy, Ramona and her dance crew tear it up at Lucha Kaboom, and I felt weird watching those children dancing around in skintight leotards. I'm gettin' old, and every morning I should probably thank God that I'm not attracted to that sort of thing.
Popko shows up to Jackson’s house, where they devise a plan for him to sneak into Lucha Kaboom. I actually think this was a nice move on Popko’s part; he’s really a friend to basically hang out at the Fuller residence. Also, Jackson is unsupervised despite being grounded. I guess DJ is using 'Mother's Intuition' as a babysitter.
At Lucha Kaboom, DJ cannot keep track of who she’s supposed to cheer for:
DJ - "Wait, I'm confused. I thought we liked the crazy chickens."
Steph - "No, not anymore. Now we love Los Calaveras."
DJ - "But they're skeletons!"
Steph - "They're good skeletons, guitar-playing skeletons in shiny suits. Why is this so hard for you?"
This is me explaining Pro Wrestling to everyone for the last 31 years.
DJ begins to feel bad for grounding Jackson, and calls him up to tell him that the punishment has been lifted. His phone is not on him, however, as he didn’t want to be tracked...as he snuck into the event. Jackson eventually shows up, and thinking it’s younger brother Max who’s getting his ass beat in the ring, just casually hops the rail and gets into the match. Um, security?
Rule of thumb from a guy who has watched Pro Wrestling his entire life. If you jump the rail, you will get the living shit beaten out of you. It won't even be funny; you'll get starched by the performers, referees, security, cameramen, timekeeper, announcer, commentators, everyone.
Jackson is UNMASKED in the ring (the ultimate humiliation), and seeing her son in trouble, DJ hops in the ring and goes to work. Jesus, this is my new most favorite moment in the series up to this point, even if what I said earlier about not jumping the rail is still true.
DJ executes a perfect hurricanrana, and god damn, I really can’t tell if that’s a stunt woman or not (gotta be a stunt woman, right?). I just need to once again reiterate that Pro Wrestling is a beautiful, elegant dance performed between two highly-trained and skilled performers, and not just anyone can get in there and...DJ wins the friggin' match. Forget it.
Back at home, DJ talks to Jackson about his punishment. Jackson talks about his exploded firefighter dad, and promises to throttle back the carelessness a tad. They hug it out. Jackson says that Popko is his Kimmy Gibbler, and wow, Popko really looks a lot like Martin Shkreli. The End.
Season 1, Episode 7: 'Ramona's Not-So-Epic Party.'
Fernando and Kimmy are helping Ramona throw a birthday party. She’s turning 13. Fernando has the Chinese symbol for pork-fried rice tattooed on his waist, and it was not a mistake. Ramona opens a present early; a pair of shoes she wanted. Fernando and Kimmy are kinda getting along, which is all that Ramona really wants.
Ramona takes her first steps as a teenager in the shoes, and Fernando takes a photo.
Serial Murderer/Podiatrist Steve shows up at DJ’s vet clinic to pick up his dog. He tells DJ how lonely he was in his 'big bed' without any companionship...because Comet wasn't around? Whatever. Steve continues to lay it on that he’s single and would like to date DJ again. DJ’s not getting it, but she agrees to a no-pressure, non-date date. Steve sees Matt and seems a little off-put that he’s working with DJ. I guess he’s going to have to kill him, too (more on that later).
Steve wants to set Matt up with someone to get him off of DJ’s radar. Someone like Kimmy Gibbler. “Classic Girl Next Door,” he says. DJ invites Matt to Ramona’s party in the event he wants to meet Kimmy, and Steve pops in one last time to see if (and why) they are still talking to each other. At no point does DJ mention to Matt that Kimmy is still technically married, nor does she ask Matt if he wouldn't mind dating a woman with a teenage daughter. Small details, I guess.
Raving Lunatic Max is convinced that his dog smiled and made eye contact with him as he pooped on the floor. That's the sort of shit you say to a judge if you're looking to beat the Death Penalty.
Oh, snap! Ramona buys a birthday dress designed by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. HOW CAN THEY EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE???
Kimmy says, “At these prices, I can see why they don’t need to act anymore."
Fernando is an auto racer, but is a former hairstylist, and agrees to do Ramona’s hair for the party. Fine. Whatever. After that Olsen Twins joke, everything is wrong and nothing makes sense anymore.
In Jackson’s room, he’s liberally applying body spray, as a teenage boy do. Steph drops by, and Jackson remarks that the body spray apparently really does attract women. That’s your aunt, homie. Unfazed, Steph agrees to help him out a bit so he doesn’t completely butcher his opportunity to impress Ramona’s friend Lola. She basically tells him to remove all the douchebag accouterments, but for a split second I thought she was going to tell him to take off his shirt. I read the vibe of the room wrong; my mistake.
Max puts Cosmo on a baby toilet, because he can no longer be reasoned with as a human being with emotion. Stop watching this puppy defecate, dude!
Also, why do Max and Jackson insist on buttoning their collared shirts all the way up to the top? Do they have neck tattoos they're trying to hide?
Ramona digs that her mom and dad are getting along, and they had dinner together at Pizza Hut! “Nothing says Family like pizza with wieners hiding in the crust,” says Fernando.
I...I don't know what that means. Like, I know it's a joke, and it's supposed to be a joke, but can it really be defined as a joke? Fuller House is expanding the boundaries of what I assumed Comedy was, man.
The party guests start to show up, including Matt. Matt sees Kimmy with Fernando and is justifiably confused. Again, DJ probably should have explained to him earlier that they were working on a divorce. On an unrelated note, the Hawaiian Punch and tequila Matt brought sounds pretty decent.
I gotta say, Kimmy throws a pretty good party; the decorations are on point, and the DJ was essentially free of charge. Jackson is blowing it in his attempts to compliment Lola. The power immediately goes out 10 seconds into the set.
In the house, Max sits in the dark with Cosmo (power's out) and immediately assumes it's a Zombie Apocalypse. He tells Cosmo that if it is the Apocalypse, "you can poop and pee wherever you want." DJ comes in with the baby, and Max is convinced that the baby is a zombie. I get the feeling Max might shove a pencil through that baby's Baby Brain while he sleeps. DJ had better lock that kid up at night for a while. Just an unrepentant, merciless bedlamite.
The party starts to fall apart: The ice cream cake melted, the power is still out, and Ramona’s getting negative press on the Internet. Steph, in an attempt to save the party, tells the kids to just pair up and make out, which cracked me up. Ramona’s bummed.
In the house, DJ finally introduces Matt to Kimmy, who promptly starts choking on a meatball/mini corn dog and needs assistance. Matt Heimlich’s her, and Fernando shows up just in time to get pissed and CHALLENGE MATT TO A DUEL, which he instigates by slapping Matt in the face with a dishwashing glove. They sort it out, Fernando kisses Matt and Matt flees. Every joke on this show is recycled in some way, and I couldn't care less.
On the way out, Matt hits on DJ a bit (he blames the tequila). When he opens the door to leave, Serial Murderer Steve pops in (gah!) and asks how his night with Kimmy went. Steve then offers to walk Matt to his car…don’t do it, man! Was he waiting on the stoop all night?
In the kitchen, Kimmy and Fernando are arguing and Ramona overhears the commotion, which bums her out even more. She runs up to her room, which is INSANELY decorated. Ramona expresses to Kimmy and Fernando that she wants them back together as a family, but Kimmy says it’s not meant to be. They hug it out, and all of her guests come upstairs to wish her a happy birthday. Hey, Jackson’s standing next to Lola. Good for him. They come back down, the power’s back on, and the party restarts without a hitch.
Afterward, Kimmy and Fernando chat. And smooch. Oh shit.
Max sees everything because he was IN THE DOGHOUSE WITH COSMO.
I quit everything forever.
But first, Cut It Out!
- There were shout-outs to MC Hammer, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and even Planet of the Apes during these two episodes. However, more than a few classic Simpsons bits were outright lifted, which is what I paid the most attention to.
- DJ wonders aloud why she's cleaning the house just before a bunch of teenagers trash it. They then cut to a photo of Danny Tanner, who formerly ruled the roost with an iron fist and gallons of disinfectant. I hope we get to see what his place in LA looks like in Season 2.
- The Olsen Twins dress joke. My goodness. Just savage. The fourth wall wasn't broken, it was nuked into the stratosphere.
- Kimmy: "Look at me! I'm Aunt Stephanie! I can do everything! Everyone loves me. I have big boobs."
...Does Kimmy know they're fake? Someone should tell her. Maybe in the Fuller House Universe, they're real. I'm demanding a full investigation.
- Fernando: "Before I was in the dangerous world of auto racing, I was in the even more dangerous world of women's hairdressing."
Kimmy: "That's how we met."
Fernando: "Yes, Kimberlina wanted to be a dirty blonde and I happily obliged."
The things poor Ramona had to hear through the vents in the years leading up to her parent's divorce.
- Steph: "You don't need electricity to have fun! When I was your age, we would've loved for the power to go out. Okay, everybody; pair up and make out!"
- Fernando: "I slapped a strange man with a rubber glove. I would like to say it will never happen again, but that's what I said the last time it happened."
So, for those just joining us: DJ is hopelessly repressed, Steph is encouraging juvenile smooching, and Kimmy/Fernando are freaky beyond your grossest fantasies.
- The 'Gibbler Gallop' was rough. Am I to believe that she never showed that to Ramona?
- Jackson is wearing his friend's jacket because it's 'National Jacket Swapping Day.' Someone got paid to write that.
- When accused of being stuck in the 90's, we get the following orgasm of 90's phrases: "As if! My moves are all that and a bag of chips, so talk to the hand, loser! Oh, snap! You go, girl! I think I just did!"
It felt like the seconds before a car accident. I knew it was coming, but I was powerless to stop it.
Alright, we're done here. Thanks for checking out Fuller House Monday, and make sure to come back this Friday for a review of Episodes 8/9. Links are below; sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.
Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review.