Monday, August 16

Dagger Vision.

You'll notice the big banner ad on top is gone, and has been replaced by a slim search bar. This bar is really neat, because it only searches within this page! For example, if you wanted to read everything I've ever written about Celia, just punch in "Celia" and....well, you know how search engines work. But it's my own personal one! Not only that, but you can search through all the old formats, old quotes and even old comments! It's a trip down Communist memory lane. Give it a test search or two. At the very least, it's a quick way to read all the stuff I've ever written about you. Lord knows I have.

The same goes for my other page, which will be updated once the crew gets back into the swing of things.

I also added a few new links, among them the bands "Apparently Nothing" and "Communique". Apparently Nothing is a decent Madison band that I had the pleasure of working with when I went to MMI. I was a co-producer on their debut CD, and I'm listed in the credits. Communique just released their debut CD on Lookout Records, titled "Poison Arrows". This CD has not left my car for over 2 weeks now. It is 10 tracks of ass-shaking, love making, sexy, beautiful music. This is without question the make-out CD of the summer, and by far the best album of the year. Take the music of the Faint, vocals and lyrics of Alkaline Trio, melodies of The Shins, make them 10 times better and 100 times catchier, and this is what you get. You will not be let down.

While looking into my site traffic last week, I saw that someone clicked on my page after it came up during a search for "dry hump movies". Imagine his disappointment. Now, I'm aware of several different genres of pornography, but to specifically hunt for this type of pleasure is something special. Bless his or her heart, I hope he or she finds what they wanted.

If there's anything you want to see here, feel free to let me know. Midgets, more nudity, unnecessary swears, you name it. I'm in the people-pleasing business.

I've got to get back to my non-stop Olympics watching. Ever since the US Men's Basketball team got their asses handed to them by Italy and Puerto Rico back-to-back, it's a blast to watch them crash and burn under their own egos. Say what you want about the idea of a Croatian basketball team, at least they know the value of teamwork.

I'll see you this weekend at the Sun Prairie Sweet Corn Festival!

Sunday, August 15

Fondue For Two.

This weekend was the first one in a long time that me and the missus have had to ourselves. Sure, we always enjoy our time away from the monotony and drudgery of work, but having some alone time is vital in keeping a relationship enjoyable. So I told Celia to plan us a day trip to anywhere she wanted to go. For the longest time, she wanted to visit the town of New Glarus, a Swiss settlement about 40 miles southwest of Madison. As the story goes, about a hundred or so Swiss settlers colonized in New Glarus in the early 1800’s, and set up shop. Since then, it has basically remained the same place, complete with original buildings and more Swiss antiques than you could ever imagine. I was sold.

You immediately notice a few things upon entering New Glarus. First off, there’s painted cows everywhere.

What business these cows serve is really beside the point, because they look beautiful and are fun to touch. So much fun, in fact, that you are specifically instructed not to do so.

Being the rebel I am, I could not help myself.

Another wonderful thing about New Glarus is the attention to detail. While most of the buildings are from the original time of settlement, there are going to be new ones that pop up from time to time. Being a tourist town, they took care of that, and made sure that every new building adapted to the Swiss culture.

After the initial taking-in of the scenery, we went miniature golfing. The Swiss know how to run and properly maintain a mini-golf course. It was certainly one of the prettier courses I’ve played on this year. And hey, check this out!

Goats! On the golf course! They were well-fed, well-maintained, friendly and eager to please. Me and Celia both finished well under par and continued on our venture.

Now, everyone has their fantasies. Some guys wonder what it would be like to sleep with 2 women at the same time. Others think about what it would be like to win the lottery.

My fantasy has always been to play Mini-Golf and then go Bowling immediately afterwards.

Fantasy no more.

Swiss Lanes reminded me of an older, smaller, older, more run-down, older version of Marble Park Lanes. We entered the place thinking it was closed, due to the fact that all of the lights were off and nobody was there. We saw an old woman playing an illegal gambling machine in the corner, and an old man smoking a cigarette and staring off into space behind the bar. We asked him if we could bowl, and he said yes, once he went back and “turned it on”.

8 ancient lanes, dark as night, and not a single person around. The alley was ours, and we couldn’t be happier. The lanes were so warped and crooked that you had to forget everything you knew about physics before you rolled. For example, if you wanted to aim for the center pin, you had to start your throw, say, 4 lanes over. Check out my killer form:

My score suffered because of this.

Nevertheless, it was coolest game of bowling I’ve ever played. We thanked the old man, and continued on our lovely Swiss journey. Next stop on the tour were the souvenir shops.

Handmade Swiss dresses, Cuckoo clocks wall-to-wall, beer steins as big as console television sets. We took in store after store of these wonders, while Polka music filled the air, seemingly following us everywhere throughout the town. I, of course, sought out the music section, which didn’t fail to impress.

Here’s the best part: they were only 20 bucks each! I grabbed an armload of them, and headed for the register.

After blowing most of our budget on yodeling tapes, we decided to take in some of the beautiful architecture. Like this Church, for example.

(Pictured: Ryan Zeinert)

After several hours in New Glarus, I started to feel jealous. I wanted to be Swiss, or at the very least, live in Little Switzerland. These people represented everything I loved in a culture. Non-violence, fine wines and cheese, land-locked for minimal contact with water. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to spend the rest of my life thinking that I was not only Swiss, but that I was actually living in Switzerland. I made a promise to myself that I would always spell “house” as “haus” from now on. It was the least I could do to remember such a neat place.

But the day wasn’t quite over. We treated ourselves to an authentic Swiss dinner at the New Glarus Hotel.

We got there too early to see the polka band that plays there nightly, and the festive dance that’s sure to follow, but it was great nonetheless. We shared a massive Swiss fondue, and a dish of traditional cheeses. I have yet to go to the bathroom. I finished off with a piece of mint-chocolate cake, and before you knew it, it was time to say goodbye to Little Switzerland. We stopped at the local winery, got a bottle to remember our trip, and headed back to Sun Prairie.

Goodbye New Glarus. We’ll be back soon, but not soon enough.