Friday, December 3

Yesterday Is My Day.

Celia took this picture a few months ago while we were driving around Wisconsin. I've noticed thousands of guys just like me with Blogs just like mine, are taking pictures just like this for some sort of admission of sensitivity or attention-grabbing depression. Don't you get sick of that? Isn't it sad to think that a million skinny guys, ages 13-29, are using the same tired technique to snag women into thinking that they'll listen when they talk? Don't you just want to hit me? Watch, next I'll bust out the cheesy emo lyrics that I could never think of writing.

"Your side of the couch
I'm afraid to be on it
I'm afraid of the memories it brings
It's killing my buzz
just wondering where the hell it went
All the nights we spent hiding from the world"

I got some more information about the Benjamins show that's happening December 18 at Mad Planet. This e-mail comes from Chad, the singer for The Saltshakers, who are on the bill that evening:

"Ryan, I ran across your blog, and saw you were looking for info on that Benjamins show. It's a 21+ show and the Etiquette and The Saltshakers are opening. MP is not all that lenient when it comes to letting underagers in, but if you call in advance to ask for special arrangements - they're pretty reasonable people. If you need any more info let me know. Get there at 10 and see us!"

Thanks Chad, will do! It should be noted that the almighty Justin Perkins produced The Saltshakers new CD. The production is great, and The Saltshakers will leave a sweet taste in your mouth! (I'm practicing to be a music critic. Was that a good closing line?)

I talked to Ben from the Benjamins, looking for some sort of explanation for the reunion. His response? "Some of us were bordering on boredom." If you're not there that night, you're worse than nothing. Unless there's snow, in which case I'm not going anywhere. Only time will tell.

As I've been mentioning for the last week, I took today off. I celebrated it by spending $100 in Madison on myself and others. I figured that the State was paying for me to sit on my ass at home, I might as well do something fun with that cash. I bought myself 2 new books from the Disinformation folks and the new CD by Muse. I bought the Missus a cat-themed calendar for her cubicle along with a stuffed cat I found at Toys-R-Us that looks like Tinker. I also bought some Christmas presents that are off-limits from discussion as of right now. I also bought Benjamin the Complete First Season of Home Movies, only to discover that he already stole it from Netflix. Tomorrow morning, I'll be returning to Best Buy with the receipt, and I'm using the store credit to buy more things for myself. I'm never attempting to be giving again.

This is picture that Celia took of me while I was sleeping on the floor. Isn't it funny to think that someone would have the brilliant idea to snap a beautiful sunset, and also be the same person to snap my pants while I was unconscious? I swear to God, there's something wrong with my wife. Remember, photographers are only as good as the material they're presented with.

We went to Pizzeria Uno for dinner, where Celia told me that her former Supervisor had a heart attack. She also informed me that he was a practicing Buddhist. I think he needs to practice a bit harder. It's a sad sign of the times when Buddhists start having heart attacks.

Try not to call or bother me this weekend, God damn it. I'm on vacation. I'm going to spend Saturday in bed with my lady (sleeping), and I'm spending Sunday in front of any televised football game. We have a nice compromise worked out.

The C.D.P. Year In Review
Best/Worst of 2004
Decapitated Stick Figures
Much, Much More!

Wednesday, December 1

Sweeps Month.

Did everyone enjoy November? I know I did.

Statistically, November was the best month ever for this page. I don't really know why I had more visitors this month than any other, but it still made me plenty happy. My hit counter is a constant upward slope that's been going on for the last several months. I intend to keep it that way.

I want December to be bigger still, and I'm pulling out all the stops. Celebrity guests! Hard-hitting journalism! Porn by the truckload! It's Sweeps Month, and the boss has lost his mind! Not only that, but I've got other things planned for the new year that I think you'll find enjoyable. Help me make December the biggest month yet for the Communist Dance Par-tay. If you don't come through for me, my head will explode.

I saw that "Blog" was one of the top 10 words of the year according to some dictionary company. After the elections got us Bloggers massive praise and ridicule, the concept went even more mainstream. Now, Bloggers are getting book deals left and right. I've visited the pages of some of the people who signed book deals, and they're not very good writers. I know for a fact that recently I've been slacking on my form and spreading myself too thin, but I still think that some of these book deals are going to hacks. Just my opinion, and I'm right. Let's move on.

Most of my traffic comes from search engines. People end up here searching for something that I'd been talking about or discussing. I took this into consideration when I wrote the following paragraph about my weekend:

"This weekend was really something. I watched Ken Jennings lose on Jeopardy, then I watched a marathon of The Apprentice. I then made a mix CD of some of my favorite bands: Usher, Destiny's Child and Eminem. Once that was done, I called up Julia Roberts and congratulated her on the birth of her twin babies. Then I went to the hottest dance club in the city with my friends Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Natalie Portman and Tara Reid. I was the only one there of the opposite sex. After a few drinks, I called a cab and spent the rest of the night at Laci Peterson's place."

That oughta boost the numbers a little bit.

I took this Friday off so I could get a jump on some Christmas shopping. I seriously doubt I'll be doing any shopping whatsoever on Friday. I'll probably watch daytime television until 1, buy a sub from Cousin's and nap until the Missus shows up. I'm pretty excited, this is my first actual "day off" since I started working over 6 months ago. It'll be just like unemployment again.

Well, I've got to get moving. I have a date tonight with the cast of Desperate Housewives, and then I'm headed off to Iraq to play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on my Playstation 2. Later.

Monday, November 29

The Last Wobbler.

Celia celebrated her 21st birthday on Saturday. Instead of drinking herself to death like so many 21 year-olds do, she left that task to her friends and husband. A picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go:

(This picture will stay up until Sherry demands that I take it down.)
(Edit: I made this picture much smaller to avoid Sherry's wrath.)

We had about 10 people over, and ate dinner at Fyfe's. I had about $70 worth of alcohol at the house, and was determined to get rid of all of it. I started mixing my world-famous "Wobblers", which I perfected at the age of 16, working as a bartender. True story.

In the sake of full disclosure, here's a picture taken of me that evening:

If you will, imagine me making that face and laughing for 5 straight hours, and you'll have a pretty good idea of how I acted that evening. I more or less ruined Celia's party, but the party was my idea. Is it possible to ruin something that you planned yourself? I'm not sure, but I more than paid for it on Sunday. Poor Benjamin threw up 3 times, cursing me for encouraging him to drink. That's about all I care to remember. I spent Sunday on the couch, sipping orange juice and watching football, trying very hard not to move.

What an idiot.

I want to formally apologize to the following people: Celia, Benjamin, Sherry, Lindsay, Aaron, Anna, Amy, Chris and Cassie for my behavior. I was annoying, loud, overbearing and immature. I tried really hard to be a good host (reservations, booze, beautifully sliced cheese, etc.), but in the end, my lack of self-control turned me into a goon. I suck, seriously. In all fairness most of us were trashed, but I'm speaking for myself here. Hopefully, the next time we throw a gathering, you'll put this behind you and show up.

2 things.

First off, Celia totally didn't deserve to have her birthday upstaged by her embarrassing husband. I felt like Homer when Marge tried to throw that classy dinner for her friends. In this case, I threw the dinner myself, but proceeded to throw up all over it. In recognition of this, I'll be on my best behavior for the rest of the year. I'll probably take her out to dinner a lot, too.

Secondly, no more excessive drinking for Ryan. I'm hereby authorizing Celia to use deadly force if necessary to keep me from turding all over the next party we have. I know she only keeps me around to look sexy and wear cute sweaters, so that's all I plan to do from this point forward. No more talking, because it's not my strong suit anymore. I'll cover my personality with hipster glasses and well-fitting denim, and sip Sprite for the rest of my life. I came to this conclusion on my own, because it's the best way for me to make things right.

Ken Jennings is going to lose tomorrow on Jeopardy. You should watch it.