Monday, December 6

Communist Cuddle Party.

I've got a bug up my ass the size of a car battery, and I'm pointing fingers.

The terrible weather, getting raped by bureaucracy at work, the de-evolution of man. These are just a smattering of the hundreds of things today that made me want to stick my unit in the paper folding machine and end it all. For me, bad moods are few and far between. When they hit me, however, I shut right the hell down. I will not speak to you, and I will not be spoken to. In this case, I don't want to bother you with my bad mood anymore. I believe I've done enough damage in the last few days to get me kicked right off of Santa's "good" list. Just know that I'm pissed.

Speaking of Santa, here's my Christmas list for this year:

Well, that's 10 gifts. That's more than enough for you all to chew on. Be sure to get in contact with everyone else so I don't get 2 of any gift. And keep the receipt! By the way, I got these links from, but I don't endorse the page one bit. They screwed me out of hundreds of dollars several years ago, and I never quite got over it. Do NOT do your Christmas shopping through them, they will ruin your day.

Now, what do YOU want for Christmas? I want interaction, people! Let us know in the comments section what's on your list. Who knows, maybe someone will see it and buy it for you. I highly doubt that, but it doesn't hurt.

COMING SOON! - The Best of 2004...The Worst Christmas Ever...CDP Year in Review...5 Year Insomnia...Much, Much More!

Friday, December 3

Yesterday Is My Day.

Celia took this picture a few months ago while we were driving around Wisconsin. I've noticed thousands of guys just like me with Blogs just like mine, are taking pictures just like this for some sort of admission of sensitivity or attention-grabbing depression. Don't you get sick of that? Isn't it sad to think that a million skinny guys, ages 13-29, are using the same tired technique to snag women into thinking that they'll listen when they talk? Don't you just want to hit me? Watch, next I'll bust out the cheesy emo lyrics that I could never think of writing.

"Your side of the couch
I'm afraid to be on it
I'm afraid of the memories it brings
It's killing my buzz
just wondering where the hell it went
All the nights we spent hiding from the world"

I got some more information about the Benjamins show that's happening December 18 at Mad Planet. This e-mail comes from Chad, the singer for The Saltshakers, who are on the bill that evening:

"Ryan, I ran across your blog, and saw you were looking for info on that Benjamins show. It's a 21+ show and the Etiquette and The Saltshakers are opening. MP is not all that lenient when it comes to letting underagers in, but if you call in advance to ask for special arrangements - they're pretty reasonable people. If you need any more info let me know. Get there at 10 and see us!"

Thanks Chad, will do! It should be noted that the almighty Justin Perkins produced The Saltshakers new CD. The production is great, and The Saltshakers will leave a sweet taste in your mouth! (I'm practicing to be a music critic. Was that a good closing line?)

I talked to Ben from the Benjamins, looking for some sort of explanation for the reunion. His response? "Some of us were bordering on boredom." If you're not there that night, you're worse than nothing. Unless there's snow, in which case I'm not going anywhere. Only time will tell.

As I've been mentioning for the last week, I took today off. I celebrated it by spending $100 in Madison on myself and others. I figured that the State was paying for me to sit on my ass at home, I might as well do something fun with that cash. I bought myself 2 new books from the Disinformation folks and the new CD by Muse. I bought the Missus a cat-themed calendar for her cubicle along with a stuffed cat I found at Toys-R-Us that looks like Tinker. I also bought some Christmas presents that are off-limits from discussion as of right now. I also bought Benjamin the Complete First Season of Home Movies, only to discover that he already stole it from Netflix. Tomorrow morning, I'll be returning to Best Buy with the receipt, and I'm using the store credit to buy more things for myself. I'm never attempting to be giving again.

This is picture that Celia took of me while I was sleeping on the floor. Isn't it funny to think that someone would have the brilliant idea to snap a beautiful sunset, and also be the same person to snap my pants while I was unconscious? I swear to God, there's something wrong with my wife. Remember, photographers are only as good as the material they're presented with.

We went to Pizzeria Uno for dinner, where Celia told me that her former Supervisor had a heart attack. She also informed me that he was a practicing Buddhist. I think he needs to practice a bit harder. It's a sad sign of the times when Buddhists start having heart attacks.

Try not to call or bother me this weekend, God damn it. I'm on vacation. I'm going to spend Saturday in bed with my lady (sleeping), and I'm spending Sunday in front of any televised football game. We have a nice compromise worked out.

The C.D.P. Year In Review
Best/Worst of 2004
Decapitated Stick Figures
Much, Much More!

Wednesday, December 1

Sweeps Month.

Did everyone enjoy November? I know I did.

Statistically, November was the best month ever for this page. I don't really know why I had more visitors this month than any other, but it still made me plenty happy. My hit counter is a constant upward slope that's been going on for the last several months. I intend to keep it that way.

I want December to be bigger still, and I'm pulling out all the stops. Celebrity guests! Hard-hitting journalism! Porn by the truckload! It's Sweeps Month, and the boss has lost his mind! Not only that, but I've got other things planned for the new year that I think you'll find enjoyable. Help me make December the biggest month yet for the Communist Dance Par-tay. If you don't come through for me, my head will explode.

I saw that "Blog" was one of the top 10 words of the year according to some dictionary company. After the elections got us Bloggers massive praise and ridicule, the concept went even more mainstream. Now, Bloggers are getting book deals left and right. I've visited the pages of some of the people who signed book deals, and they're not very good writers. I know for a fact that recently I've been slacking on my form and spreading myself too thin, but I still think that some of these book deals are going to hacks. Just my opinion, and I'm right. Let's move on.

Most of my traffic comes from search engines. People end up here searching for something that I'd been talking about or discussing. I took this into consideration when I wrote the following paragraph about my weekend:

"This weekend was really something. I watched Ken Jennings lose on Jeopardy, then I watched a marathon of The Apprentice. I then made a mix CD of some of my favorite bands: Usher, Destiny's Child and Eminem. Once that was done, I called up Julia Roberts and congratulated her on the birth of her twin babies. Then I went to the hottest dance club in the city with my friends Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Natalie Portman and Tara Reid. I was the only one there of the opposite sex. After a few drinks, I called a cab and spent the rest of the night at Laci Peterson's place."

That oughta boost the numbers a little bit.

I took this Friday off so I could get a jump on some Christmas shopping. I seriously doubt I'll be doing any shopping whatsoever on Friday. I'll probably watch daytime television until 1, buy a sub from Cousin's and nap until the Missus shows up. I'm pretty excited, this is my first actual "day off" since I started working over 6 months ago. It'll be just like unemployment again.

Well, I've got to get moving. I have a date tonight with the cast of Desperate Housewives, and then I'm headed off to Iraq to play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on my Playstation 2. Later.