Tuesday, August 30

Bring It On, Mr. Little.

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I want to be an Internet Phenomenon.

I love the concept of the Internet Phenomenon, simply adore it. You know, something that should normally disappear and fizzle into the cloudy depths of history, only to be revived and consequently spearhead a cult following online?

It's why I still like Mr. T and Tony Little. It taught me the definition of "stealth disco". It allows me to purchase things that I remember from when I was a kid, like Pac-Man memorabilia and E.T. cartridges for my Atari 2600. It also allows me to wallow in some of the tiniest, most bizarre minutiae you could ever think of.

Thanks to the Internet Phenomena proving ground that is Wikipedia, I've been able to brush up on these things all at once. I'd like to share one of these with you, with hopefully many more to follow.

You see, I used to be a big wrestling fan when I was a kid, and I was looking around for some of my favorite wrestlers from the 80's and early 90's. It was then that I stumbled across one of the funniest things that I forgot existed.

If you've never heard the story of "The Shockmaster Incident", you'll laugh. If you remember when it happened, you'll laugh harder. Enjoy with me.

The Shockmaster Incident.

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The Shockmaster incident was one of the most infamous moments in professional wrestling. In the early 90s, the Atlanta-based WCW had signed Fred Ottman (later becoming Tugboat, as well as Typhoon) from the WWF, and he was to make his debut in a match alongside three very popular WCW stars: Sting, Dustin Rhodes, and the late Davey Boy Smith. He would be their mystery partner in the upcoming eight-man tag match against Sid Vicious, Big Van Vader, and Harlem Heat.

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(Here we see the triumphant debut of the Shockmaster.)

When Sting and Smith were about to unveil their mystery partner, they did so during a live interview in front of the WCW audience together with Sid and Harlem Heat. Sting would then make his famous quote, "All I have to say is... our partner is going to shock the world because he is none other than... The Shockmaster!" The camera zoomed in on a particular section of the set where two torches set off a small pyrotechnics explosion in front of a paper wall. And The Shockmaster was supposed to make his grand entrance by crashing through that wall in his new attire, consisting of a purple helmet very much like the ones worn by the Stormtroopers in Star Wars, a pair of jeans and a long black vest.

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(Here we see the Shockmaster falling right through the Goddamn wall.)

Unfortunately for Ottman, he tripped and fell through the paper wall, with the camera getting a close up of this accident. When he hit the floor, his helmet rolled off long enough for audiences to see who it was before he managed to put it back on. Even the announcers were speechless. But, as is the rule in wrestling, the show must go on. The Shockmaster resumed his entrance as if nothing had happened, and he continued walking up to Sid and Harlem Heat.

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(Here, we see the Shockmaster scrambling to find his helmet, shaking off the crippling pain and embarrassment of falling directly onto your face.)

The interview ended with Shockmaster verbally threatening the four opponents, who at this point were clearly trying to stop themselves from laughing. He wrestled one match, and never reappeared again.

So, there you go. The Shockmaster Incident. I could do stories like this for months about wrestling alone, but that would only please myself. You really have no idea how hard I've been laughing for the last 20 minutes.

The Of Montreal interview & Minus the Bear review will be here on Thursday. Dress purty.

That's what would happen to me if I had to make a grand entrance. I always fall down at really bad times....well, most of the time, really.
On AFV last night, they showed a clip from a High School graduation.

The guy getting his diploma was clearly the star quarterback, or just thought very highly of himself, as he was "raising the roof", and other various sorts of male posturing.

He fell right off the side of the stage, and I bet every freak and geek in the class wet themselves with glee. I know I would have.

The best part was that it didn't win any money, so it was humiliating without any sort of payoff.
I like when that happens...when people try to do cartwheels or handsprings or some other idiot thing that you shouldn't do on a stage when you're getting your diploma and they fall straight on their can or off the stage right in front of the whole school! Good stuff.
It's times like this that I'm glad I dropped out of school when I did, and joined that cult of janitors. I can't read, but my house is clean.
Just think if this ever happened to the "Hey Koolaid!" guy. It would look like there was blood everywhere.

I vaguely remember a Dr Katz quote, "What, you think you're better than everyone else because you can read?" and "I bet you think you're the hottest thing on skates."
The Kool-Aid Man would have never lived down the humiliation of being turned to shards in front of hundreds of terrified, red-moustached children.

Upon losing his job, he'd bounce around for a while doing temp work, before becoming the greeter at a Little Rock Wal-Mart.

My Grandma used to make that "skates" comment.
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