Sunday, August 14

Football Fantasy.

I love football.

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(I got a haircut in preparation of Ben & Sherry's wedding next week. Don't say that I never did anything for you.)

I'm sorry, but I do. As a Wisconsinite, it's in my bloodstream. I love this time of year, how the promise of a new football season will usher us into autumn, into the playoffs and eventually to the Superbowl at the beginning of the new year. Each new NFL season is like a rebirth for me, and even the pre-season makes me happy.

Speaking of which, did you see the Packers take out the Chargers last week? Ryan Longwell hit a 54-yard field goal in the pouring rain! You can't see me right now, but I'm twirling my jersey over my head, and there's a giant "P" painted on my ultra-white chest.

I'm a redneck, I suppose. Well, screw you.

I've greatly decreased my volume of sports intake since the Missus came along. We've worked out somewhat of a compromise, although I usually like to see how much sports I can view before she can't take it anymore. I'm doing my best to be a cooperative husband, but every now and then, the pigskin will beckon.

I know how my wife operates, though. If I can find a way to entertain her while I'm watching these games, she will be content to sit with me and enjoy herself. For example, last March during the NCAA basketball tournament, she found out that I had entered an office pool. Now that money was riding on the games, she cheered and swore right along with me.

I've never loved her more. It was the best Smarch ever.

Now that football season is up and starting again, I'm posed that same question over again. How can I make this fun for her? Well, the answer showed up last year in a nationally televised game between the Packers and the Texans.

His name was David Carr.

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Carr was (and still is) the QB for the Texans, and the ladies seem to love him. I instantly realized that if I kept her up to date on all the good-looking football players out there, she would be more apt to watch the games with me. Sure, this means that she's watching the games for all the wrong (and downright perverse) reasons, but any reason is fine with me.

Last Thursday during the Packers/Chargers game, I gave her an assignment. I wanted her to compose her own Fantasy Football unit, as sort of a project to keep her eyes glued to the TV and to keep track of who plays for what team (because that's what's really important in the world right now).

Here then, is the Missus' Fantasy Football team. She named them the Gamecocks.

MASCOT - The USC Gamecock.

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This goes without saying. She saw it during a commercial on ESPN, and it was a perfect fit.

COACH - Nick Saban.

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For some reason, she likes the new Miami Dolphins coach because of his "rugged good looks". Personally, I think he looks like the alcoholic uncle that always insists on singing karaoke at wedding receptions. Nonetheless, now the Gamecocks have a leader.


David Carr - QB for the Houston Texans

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A.J. Feeley - QB for the Miami Dolphins

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Drew Brees - QB for the San Diego Chargers

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Eli Manning - QB for the New York Giants

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Aaron Rodgers - Backup QB for the Green Bay Packers

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I don't know what the Missus sees in these guys, but whatever. I'm more concerned about her stacking her team with so many Quarterbacks. I don't know if that's legal under Fantasy Football rules, but it's certainly not going to win her too many games.

KICKER - Brett Conway

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There's several things wrong with her kicker selection. First off, Brett Conway was responsible for at least three Green Bay Packer losses in 1997. He was instantly cut after injuring his leg, and the unstoppable Ryan Longwell came in and has saved the day since then. It goes without saying that Brett Conway was a huge disappointment in the NFL.

Secondly, Mr. Conway hasn't played an NFL game in years. I think that he's waiting tables somewhere in Ontario right now, waiting for his big break in the CFL. All the Missus remembers is that he was good looking and sad. These are all the traits that she requires for acceptance to the Gamecocks.

PUNTER - B.J. Sander.

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All I know about this guy is that he's the Green Bay Packer's new punter, and he had an 8-yard punt last week. Good luck with the rest of the season, B.J.

TACKLE - Tootie Robbins

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This is not a picture of Tootie Robbins, because he played for such a short period of time in the NFL, his photograph doesn't exist online. The Missus only remembers Tootie because of this exchange of words between John Madden and Pat Summerall during a 1992 Packer game:

Madden: "Tootie Robbins has the biggest rectum in the NFL!"
Summerall: "Um, I don't think that's what you meant to say, John."

She found this hilarious, and 13 years later, it got him a spot on the Gamecocks.


That Guy On The Sidelines With The Vest On.

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(Pictured in the far left background.)

The Missus loves this guy!

Joe Theisman.

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Theisman is funny because he says any and every dumbass thing that comes to his head, usually on live television. I especially like him because he suffered a compound fracture on live television.

So, there you have it. Did this post make any sense? Maybe not. However, if it means that the Missus will enjoy another football game by my side, it will be all worth it. It's the least I can do.

Kill Hank Williams Junior.

You forgot Eli Manning--he's on my team too!

I like him because he's a lesser Manning.
Oh, I see Eli Manning now...I guess I skipped over him the first time.

That's the story of his life, really.
HA! My wife told a football joke! An accurate, topical, hilarious football joke!

I want to marry you all over again.
Ben and Sherry are doing it...why can't we??? haha.
I already posted this once but there was an error, so hopefully we won't see this twice...

You forgot a few things. That Aaron Rodgers fellow is riding the bench. He will not play until he shaves. I will not have any scruffy chins on my team, and that's final.

Joe Theisman is only allowed on my team if he agrees to wear a suit and tie at all times, including during game play. That's just the way it needs to be.
I think the comments are working again.

Sorry about omitting some of your team rules. I forgot about your strict "no facial hair" rule. It's a good rule, and it will make the Gamecocks look like a solid functioning unit.

Oh man, this is getting terrible. I quit.
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(Or "BLAM!", as I like to call it.)
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Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a tapety site/blog. It pretty much covers tapety related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)
Sheesh, it's an epidemic! 2 in one day!

That blog that is selling tapety sounds good, though. Takes me back to the days when I, too, was a lonely internet entrepreneur with a dream to sell comprehensive reputations to all.
I'm a sports idiot, so I didn't think I'd have any comments on this post.

Damn blog spam. I've been getting that, too. I switched to not accept anonymous comments, but then they just use a junk account. Mine were much longer than these though.

I also wanted to add: "Johnny Unitas... now there's a haircut you can set your watch to."
Did I invent the term "Blam"? I'd really like to be known for inventing a form of netspeak. That would be 1337.

I always laugh when they show Johnny Unitas in the Super Bowl, because that's exactly what he looked like. I think that I find that scene a lot funnier than I should.

"He looks like a girl!"
What means 1337? I don't get it.

I'm a sports idiot, too, and that's what makes this post funny! My fantasy football team has 5 quarterback, a kicker, a punter, an announcer, and a guy who just wears a vest on the sidelines. Oh, and then a guy who used to play football in 1992 and probably was some sort of defensive player. My team is going places this year!!!
1337 is rad hacker speak. You wouldn't understand, because you're not a h4x0r.

I think that the Gamecocks violate just about every Fantasy Football rule out there. They don't have coaches, either. That's the point* of Fantasy Football, you ARE the coach!

*Fantasy Football has no point. It's quite sad.
I made my fantasy football team stop playing football and start playing hackey sack and riding bmx bikes. It's pretty fantastic.
The best fantasy football team is a fantasy hackeysack team.
Why do you know all that hacker speak? 1337...I still can't figure it out. Looks like lee7, to me.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
"L-eet", as in "Elite". As in "Rad". As in "Scumbag degenerate who can create a level 99 Dungeon Warrior, but can't comprehend basic grammar and punctuation."

My generation sucks.
Wow, that frightens me. What kind of webpages do you hang around on that would cause you to pick up on that sort of thing?
Oh, that's just old school hacker crap. In fact, I'm responsible for creating the Zotob worm.

I'm officially under arrest. The crime? Looking too sexy in my suit and tie this morning! It should be illegal!
I know it's old-school hacker crap, but how do you know it? I DATED a hacker and I don't even know it!

You did look nice in your suit and tie this morning. MUCH nicer than I looked for my interview yesterday--that's probably why they're not going to give me the job.
Yeah, because it's all about image. You're beautiful, and I'm ugly. You're Champagne and I'm shiznit.(Pettit Project reference)

People won't stop telling me how nicely I clean up. It's like, I dress nice every day, open your eyes! Besides, I'm so upset with this haircut that I got, I wish I could just wear my Sox cap to work and be done with it.
Your haircut looks've had MUCH worse (i.e. when that lumberjack cut your hair.)
Oh, THAT guy.

Listen kids. Never, under any circumstances, allow a man to cut your hair. I don't care how flamboyant his shirt is, I don't care if he stands with one hand on his hip all the time. They will never be able to cut hair as good as a woman.

Just another public service announcement from your friends here at the CDP.
That guy who cut my hair at the ultimate did a really good job...much better than any woman I've ever gone to. You just need to see a GAY guy, that's the key. That guy could cut my hair well but he couldn't style it for crap, though.
There's a joke here somewhere. I just know it.

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