Tuesday, December 27

CDP Year In Review.

(Another year is almost in the books. The only true way to remember it, however, is through the eyes of someone else. Like me, for example. Now then, the year that was, through the eye of the CDP.)


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Without question, 2005 started off horribly as my Grandfather lost his battle with cancer.

One year later, and it still hurts. The whole family feels it whenever we get together, and he's not around. I've been pretty fortunate, as my young family hasn't yet had to experience many losses in life. When a guy like this disappears from the planet, there's a huge hole where he used to be. It can't be filled, but you can learn to one day accept it. I go on for 100 pages about how amazing he was and still is, but you should get the point.

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The month started to get better, but not by much. My lunch got stolen from work following a massive pulled neck muscle that benched me for three days. Whilst depressed and sad, I had an in-depth analysis of mortality and death. Finally, we all had a gathering in Green Bay shortly before my birthday that lifted my spirits and got me ready for happier times.


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On the 12th of February, the CDP turned 1 year old. We're still not toilet trained yet, but we're ashamed when we don't make an effort to not poop our pants.

I turned 23 this year, and that once again got me nostalgic for crap that happened not 5 years ago. This inspired me to write a four-volume piece on my first job. In the series, I discuss the nature of the position, a brush with a murderer, a near-death experience and a run-in with the scariest guy I've ever met. It was an interesting job, and I'm glad that I had the chance to work there. Some day I will write a full-length book about it and get rich on other peoples' problems.

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This was also the month that I started to grow my hair long. As it turned out, the "Year of the Shaggy" was kind of a bust, but it was a hoot while it lasted.


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There's a certain depressing quality in losing all of your money at a casino. What's worse, when you do it a second time, you have nobody to blame but yourself. When something like this happens to you, it represents a moral crossroads in which you must choose what path your life must take. In my case, it caused me to sign up for a 5-mile run. Death was looming, and it had my name on her list.

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With NCAA March Madness in full-bore, I was reminded of the time that I caused one of the biggest sports controversies in Winneconne history. My bracket was shot, I lost $10 in the office pool and Kentucky made me cry again. Spring could not arrive fast enough. I bought an IPod and started training for my run.


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Because I was burned out and tired, I handed the CDP reigns over to Gabe for a day. This would be the first and last time I would ever consider such a thing. Jokes are funny.

This was also the month that brought us the infamous "Eyeball Post." Still one of the most popular posts ever, it hopefully brought awareness to unnecessary close-up photos of somewhat beautiful people.

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Meanwhile, back at work, I almost lost $27,000 and my job. Life is a fickle business sometimes. To cheer each other up, we spent the day at Wisconsin Dells, tricking a timeshare salesman to give us plane tickets to Hawaii. Depending on how much money I get back in taxes, we might cash these in come 2006. With so much on my plate this month, a recap was in order.

Man, the Sugar Puff Daddy had it going on! Using his mad skillz as a reference, I was on the prowl for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. And if that wasn't enough, I managed to accomplish my 5-mile goal without having to go to the hospital. That was a big deal for me, and I still limp around when the weather's just right.


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Happiness comes in small packages. It's a cookie or a Kit-Kat bar. It's a kiss on the cheek or a nice compliment. Take them and appreciate them, or they will disappear. All this and more when I publish my self-help book, entitled, "I Hate You, You Freaking Idiot."

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As I get older, I realize that it's nice to go to the mall with your Mother. She buys you things that you can't buy for yourself. Me and the Missus also celebrated our 2nd Annual New Glarus Day Trip. We'll probably do this at least once a year until once of us is confined to a wheelchair. I ain't pushin' nobody nowhere.


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June was unforgettable. Kind of.

You never forget the day that Tony Little shows up at your door and whoops your ass. No sir. The same goes for when you dream about beating the crap out of your Dad over a sleazy pair of women. Better yet, what about the time that you humiliate yourself in front of a co-worker? Not me.

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What's really unforgettable is your first anniversary, especially when it doesn't end in divorce. What's really unforgettable is spending 8 days in one of the biggest cities in the world with 3 of your closest friends. Simply amazing.


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The CDP's 200th Post was pretty cool, too. You know, in a very...very small capacity. This transitioned smoothly into me losing my freelance job due to "creative differences."

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It's not Toronto, but Mount Horeb isn't without it's charm. I think it might have to do with the Nazi hats.


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This is what happens when a writer with OCD gets heat stroke. On the other hand, things aren't always as they seem. Just when I think I've won you over again, I hit you with the most brutally honest and frightening post about myself ever. Never think I'm not honest. In the aftermath of this post, a lot of people expressed concern for my well-being, and others criticized my actions. Take from it what you will; just know that I never intended on having it taken so seriously. I'm just fine.

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The Missus picked herself a Fantasy Football team this year. They were awful, but they beat the Packers.

Just as August was spiraling into the gutter, Ben and Sherry saved it with a spectacular wedding.


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For my money, there's nothing better than taking sexy photos of myself with a cell phone. If anything, it turned me on to talking about something besides myself all the time. I have since retracted the statements I made in this post. Expect 2006 to be the Year of the Me!

Taking my new format in stride, my 2005 Fall TV Preview generates over 100 comments. My Lost Season Two Preview does just as well. I soon realize that pop culture is far more interesting than cats and mustard. Just then, Mutton Chop showed up and ruined the party for everyone.

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Remember when that insect almost killed me? I do.

My first unofficial Lost Friday was published, and I hit the road for Minneapolis.


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My weekend in Minneapolis was incredible; Arcade Fire was earth-moving and the zoo made me love dolphins again. I don't know what more you can ask of a city. I tried to put a new advice column up, but the public didn't receive it very well.

I also shared with you the saddest Halloween story of all time, as the Lost Fridays started to rack up.

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Just in time for Halloween, we spent the day at a real-life haunted-themed farm. I slingshotted some gourds, we got lost in a corn maze; it was a great day.


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Sweeps Month ended up being out most successful month ever at the CDP. I owe it mostly to Lost Fridays, but also to year-end festivities like the best comments of 2004, the Boycott Unity retrospective, and concern over the well-being of Gabriel.

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I hate the mall, but not as much as I hate Steven Avery.

After a super-sized Lost Friday, I came back with 50 things I'm thankful for, just in time for that Thank-holiday. The Missus also turned 22, and I gushed over her for a while.


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The last new Lost Friday I did was also my most favorite, because it was composed 100% by me. The best comments of 2005 were locked and loaded, along with each and every one of my year-end music lists.

I also grew a beard. It ruled. I gave it a name. 'Beardy'.

The best and worst of 2005 were discussed briefly, and we all parted ways for the holidays. Christmas was fantastic; I got more than I deserved, and it was great to see my family under the same roof again. That pretty much brings us right up to speed.

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Not only is this my second-to-last post of the year, it is also the final chapter on everything we went through in 2005. We're through recapping and going on about recent nostalgia; now we can get back to moving forward again. That's just fine with me, because 2005 wore me the hell out.

NEXT: The Final Post Of 2005: Turn Out The Lights...

Good job.It's amazing how fast a year goes by.
Word. It's hard to even think about how much my life changed this year.
Thanks. When I look back at the big stuff that happened to me this year, it feels like 3 years instead of 1. If 2004 was the most important year of my life, 2005 was the busiest.

Going through the posts and doing the links and stuff, I kept saying to myself, "this happened this year?"

If anything, it will be very nice to step into 2006 and move forward. I'm excited and optomistic about the new year, which means that I'm all set for a huge letdown.
2006 has to be better than 2005. I just wanted to let you know that the Trans Siberian Orchestra was incredible last night.

2006 will be better than 2005, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra is better than Mannheim Steamroller.
When I was seventeen... I bought some very good beer, I bought some very good beer that I purchased, with a fake ID... My name was Brian McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was seventeen.

TSO and Manheim Steamroller should have a battle orchestra, where they make fun of eachother back and forth with their neo-classical stylings.
I don't care who battles, as long as there is a "Flute-off."

You know, as much as I like doing this end of the year stuff, it just means that I can't just type what I want to type for like, 2 months. I think you'll agree with me. Lists and nostalgia are all fine and good, but I'll take an essay about a Mustard Museum any ole' day of the week.

I spent the day cashing in all of my Christmas gift cards. Rule.
I cashed in the 10 dollars worth of lottery winnings at Kwik-Trip this morning. that was awesome.

I must say that I am very proud of that picture I took of the 3 of you in front of the CN Tower. That is pretty rocking.
I'm glad you cashed in. Lottery tickets are good stocking stuffers when they actually win. 3 of those dollars are mine; I just love you that much.

That CN Tower picture is one of my Toronto favorites. It's so damn majestic.

That brings up a good point. What did everyone get for Christmas? I got a few nice DVD's, gift cards o'plenty, a wallet full of cash and a sexy outfit I'm wearing as we speak.

Christmas was great this year because I got to see absolutely everyone.
You didn't see me.
I was talking family, dude.

Nevertheless, did you get something nice from Santa this year?
I got a wad of some cash with which I will purchase woodworking tools. I also got a plastic reindeer that poops jelly beans.
I need to see a photo of that...wad of cash.
Let's just say that people will think I'm Aaron Burr by the way I'm dropping Hamiltons.
I don't care if you thought of that or not, I will be stealing that line every time I use a $10.

Every time I hear the name "Aaron Burr", I remember the very first 'Got Milk?' commercial.
That's a line from that Lazy Sunday rap that was on SNL, which is now a free video download on iTunes, it's on the front iTunes page.

What's Aaron Burr have to do with the first Got Milk? commercial?
1. Every time I miss SNL (which isn't very darn often), I miss out on some important piece of pop culture history. The last time I missed it before that was the whole Ashlee Simpson thing. You would have thought I'd learn my lesson.

2. The first 'Got Milk?' commercial is still one of the funniest commercials I've ever seen, shot many a year ago.

This little, weird-looking man (think Steve Bucemi) is sitting in his study, taking a huge bite of a sandwich overloaded with peanut butter.

On the radio, the DJ is asking a trivia question that could net the winner a large amount of money (something like $1000). The question was "Who shot Alexander Hamilton in the famous duel?"

The man perks up, and we begin to see quick cuts of the interior of his study. He has a bust of Hamilton, a painting of Aaron Burr and the exact gun used in the duel. He feverishly dials the phone until the DJ answers.

When he gets through, he tries to say 'Aaron Burr,' but the mouthful of peanut butter is causing nothing but gibberish to come out. He reaches for the milk, pours the carton to find...nothing. He screams.

'Got Milk?'

The humor lies in him panicing and screaming with a mouthful of peanut butter, knowing that he's basically devoted his life to the Hamilton/Burr duel. I probably ruined it for you, but watch it online and see for yourself. I'll see if I can find a link.

Here's a great link. It basically says everything I just said, only better.
Ah yes, that's good stuff. It's so easy to forget that the Got Milk campaign didn't only consist of magazine ads of Daisy Fuentes with a milk moustache.
You got that right. They had some great stuff back in the day. Still one of the best commercials ever.

'Awwwon Bawwww.'
I've always hated that commercial. Why can't the moron freakin' swallow? Why is he taking a mouthful of sandwich that big if he can't even swallow it?
Someday, I'm going to have to walk you step-by-step through the humor process, and explain to you why things are funny.
And then you'll realize that you've been wrong all along.
A little off topic, but if anyone needs to know how to get kicked out of the Paper Valley Hotel, I might have an idea or two.

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