Friday, March 11

The Search Is Over.

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"I was living for a dream, loving for a moment. Taking on the world, that was just my style. Now I look into your eyes, I can see forever. The search is over, you were with me all the while."

God bless you, Survivor. First, you inspired us with "Eye of the Tiger", then you made us cry with this masterful power ballad. I always swore that I would sing this song should I ever work up the nerve (or blood alcohol content) to do Karaoke. If not this tune, then certainly "Careless Whisper" by Wham(!).

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And with those 2 faded musical references from 1984, I've managed to alienate most of my audience, and permanently retard any musical credibility I once had. (Notice that I used the word "retard" as a verb, putting the accent on the second syllable. Don't send me any e-mail.)

This pointless bickering will get us nowhere.

I obviously didn't dedicate an entire post just to the band Survivor (although I'm not saying they don't deserve it). This is about search terms, or more specifically, the things that people search for to get here. I get to keep track of what people search for that winds them up at the CDP, and I've got to tell you, I wouldn't allow most of these people into my own home.

The Missus did a little experiment on her old page, and put up fake links strictly to lure filthy people. It worked. Some of the things that people were looking for when they ended up there were illegal, awful, and illegal. I'm not going to repeat them, but if you're not busy, head on over there, and take a peek. My terms were much less filthy, but strange nonetheless. I wanted to share some of them with you, and provide some of my insight along the way. Let's begin.

Search Term: "Funny stuff about Martin Van Buren"

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First, some background on Mr. Van Buren. He was our nation's 8th President, and was born and raised in Kinderhook, New York. I learned that from MST3K, and that's all I know about him. Why was this particular person looking for "funny stuff" about him? He doesn't look like a very funny guy, and I would bet that you're not going to find any watercolor paintings of him spinning plates or breakdancing. If you're looking for a witty world leader, look no further than Stalin. He could deliver a joke about airline food that would really make you think, you know?

Search Term: "Four feet of hair"

It's not so much the concept that worries me, it's the wording. This person isn't looking for someone who has a head of hair that measures four feet in length. This person words it as if they're looking to purchase. Which leads me to my next question: What are you going to do with four feet of hair? What would you do with four feet of hair? I'd french braid it for a really long time.

Search Term: "Scariest/Goriest movies ever"

A while back, I produced my very controversial list of the scariest movie moments of all time. In all actuality, the list was flawed and one-dimensional. I don't really want to talk about it, but it offers me no shortage of people stopping by to see what I have to say about it. In my own personal opinion, the scariest movie ever is "Fahrenheit 9/11", and the goriest movie ever is "The Snuff Film I Made Last Year In My Basement With That One Hitchhiker". Don't bother looking for that last one at your local Blockbuster.

Search Term: "Spirits leave pennies"

They do? Well, thank you for telling me! You're not really "searching" for anything, you're just looking around for people to verify what you already believe. Congrats.

Search Term: "Mythbusters gay"

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For the last time, the Mythbusters are not gay. They worked through a brief-but-bitter affair during the first season, but they're back on track now. Seriously, their show is great.

Search Term: "Polybius"

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Ahh, yes. The infamous Polybius legend. If you are a fan of urban legends or video game lore, I strongly suggest staying up late one night looking up stuff on this rare and experimental game. Did it exist? I'll never tell.

No. It never existed. It's a helluva story, though.

Search Term: "UWGB sex"

I have no idea what this is all about. The only person who I know that goes to UW-Green Bay is Sherry...wait a minute...

Search Term: "Wheelchair access options"

After several written complaints by handicapped visitors of the CDP, I've installed entrance ramps and extra-wide bathroom stalls with hand rails.

Search Term: "I'll mess with Texas"

I've been saying it from the start, and I still will. This is by far my most popular search term.

Search Term: "Cd collection"

I was confused by this term, because I didn't know what the person was searching for. Was he looking for my CD collection? Did he want to compare CD collections? In the spirit of fairness, I snapped a picture of my CD collection for public view.

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That is why I have to eat macaroni and cheese for lunch every single day.

Search Term: "Rave party clips"

Honestly, I have no rave party clips, mainly because I've never been to a rave. I never will attend a rave, either. If I wanted to swim in a smoke-filled sea of strangers and sweat, I'd throw a party and set my house on fire. Notice the alliteration.

Search Term: "Dry hump movies"

I'm actually going to take this idea and run with it. Expect to see it up on Ryan's Ween sometime soon. That damn page is getting a thousand hits a day.

Well, that's enough search terms for now. I have a reclusive weekend planned, as the snow continues to fall outside. The broken comments will be fixed ASAP, so don't stop talking on me.


Wednesday, March 9

5 Miles In 52 Days.

(Note from Ryan: If you'd rather hear what my picks are for American Idol tonight than a story about me getting back into shape, just scroll down to the part that says "IDOL". Then come back and read this story, because it's really interesting.)

Back in High School, I was quite the physical specimen.

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Apparently, I was also gay.

The point is, I could sprint. When it came to the mile run, I always had one of the top 10 times in the school year after year. I didn't train and I didn't work out, I was just skinny and had strong legs. I never signed up for things like track and cross country, because I hated High School sports, and was already hanging with the Student Congress crowd. Besides, I didn't like anyone that participated in sports, and there were more girls in Forensics. The concept of acting out a scene with friends was always more appealing to me than getting tackled by dudes night after night. It was all the same blurb in the yearbook, as far as I was concerned.

Shortly after graduation from High School, I began the slow process of gaining 40 extra pounds. Granted, I only weighed a shade over 100 lbs. When I was a Senior, but when you suddenly increase your weight mass by 40% in a couple years, you tend to notice. I owed this body change to a few factors:

1. I stopped consuming caffeine, which put my OCD back to a more tolerable level. My twitching and nail-chewing were reduced to the level of "moderately annoying".

2. I changed my diet, and my metabolism screeched to a halt. I became a vegetarian, and I put on weight. What the hell is that all about? Well, I replaced all the meat I used to eat with pasta and carbs, which funneled millions of extra calories into my system.

3. By 2001, I was 100% heroin free.

At the very least, I looked better. I went from a brittle looking boy, to a more filled-out, sexy looking man. No girl likes guys that are that frail looking, no matter how much emo they listen to. My love for mayonnaise increased to almost deadly levels, and the weight kept coming.

Oh yeah, I also stopped running for 5 years. When you reach a certain age, you have no reason to run anymore. After the age of 21, unless you're being chased by a mugger or a runaway bus, there's no reason whatsoever to sprint. Besides my morning and afternoon walk from the parking lot to the office (appx. 12 feet), I don't even go outside anymore.

I wasn't healthy anymore, and I was desperately looking for an excuse to get back into shape. For a while, I was just going to wait until I had a heart attack, but I found out that those hurt like hell, and I don't like the hospital. I needed to do something rash to whip myself back into running mode.

So I signed up for a 5-mile run.

It's on the last day of April, so I have a little over 50 days to shake off 5 years of dust and Subway wrappers. For the last 3 weeks, I've been slowly getting myself into a routine. Mainly, I've been running a mile or so on the treadmill after work. Some days I don't, but most days I do. As soon as the weather gets better, I'll take my training outside, and finally have an excuse to buy an I-Pod.

So, here's my goal. First and foremost, I want to complete the race. I'm sure there's a lot of people reading this who run 5 miles every day or week, but this is a huge change for me, so screw you! Secondly, I'd like to complete the race in under an hour. So far, so good. I ran 2.5 miles in 30 minutes last week, and I have nothing but time to expand on my endurance and shave off some more precious seconds. Once I get something like this in my head, I won't be happy until I've completed it. That's a little of that OCD that the caffeine didn't take with it.

I'll keep you abreast of my progress as the weeks...well...progress. Keep in mind, all I want to do is run this race. I'm not headed towards any sort of lifestyle change. No weight lifting, no Pilates, no health food. I just want to make sure that the best shape of my life isn't already behind me. Once I find out that it's not, I'll make sure that it IS. It's literally the best I care to do.

IDOL! Tonight on American Idol, the top 12 will be decided, which means that 4 people are going to get cut. So far, my male and female favorites are holding strong, and the people who I picked to get cut have been cut. I'm batting 1.000 so far, and here are my picks for tonight, in case you're making any bets:

Janay Castine: Cut for sure.
Travis Tucker: Cut for sure.
Amanda Avila: Probable.
Mikalah Gordon: Possible.
Constantine Maroulis: Probable.
Scott Savol: Possible, although it would piss off a lot of people, including myself.

So, who's going to win? It's still early to make predictions, but it should be a guy. The guys are so much better than the girls this year, it's almost embarrassing. When the top 12 start to perform together, I think the first 3 cuts will be women. Again, I'm not gay. I could go on, but I've already damaged my heterosexuality enough already.

I'm running 5 miles! Whaddya think?

Monday, March 7

Smarch!/My Mini-Vacation. (Part 2 of 2)

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Trying hard to shake off the bitter defeat of the Native American Gaming Establishment, me and the Missus headed up nort' to visit Benjamin and Sherry Jenkel. We talked, stories were exchanged and flutes were played. Nothing too special, just me making a typical ass of myself for yet another weekend. The best part about it was that I wasn't at work.

I'm getting really sick of apologizing to people week after week for being such a knob, but this happens to be the case again. So, to everyone I talked to this weekend, I'm sorry I was such a knob. I had a lot of things on my mind (fireworks, cheese sandwiches and worry), but it's no excuse. All in all, this was almost the worst mini-vacation ever. The thing about vacations is, no matter where you go, there you are. Distancing yourself from your problems means nothing when your biggest problem is looking at you in the mirror, and wearing your pants.

Damn Smarch weather. This weekend it was 50 degrees, and now it's going to snow for 4 straight days, and peak at 25 degrees if we're lucky. The funny thing about Wisconsinites is that, at some point in late winter, we become completely defiant of the temperature and season. After being jerked around one too many times by Mother Nature, we collectively throw our winter coats into the backseat, and proclaim the start of spring. Sure, it may be just as cold as it was in January, but we get to the point where we just have to believe what we tell ourselves, so we don't chop our family up in the attic. It's a collective statewide temper tantrum, and I'm usually the first one to fall on my back and kick wildly into the air.

Today, I had an incredibly surreal experience at work. I overheard our Executive Assistant humming a song by The Arcade Fire. I flagged him down and asked him just what the hell he thought he was doing, and we discussed them for a few minutes (he said that "Funeral" changed his life, as it did mine). It may not sound like much, but it was a conversation I never in a million years thought I'd be having with this guy. BUY FUNERAL NOW!

Back to Smarch. This is my least favorite month. First off, it's completely endless. Towards the last couple days of Smarch, you become convinced that it may never end. The weather is going through a miserable transitional period, and you're never comfortable in your clothing. I bet there are more suicides in Smarch than in any other month. Makes total sense, because it totally sucks. I don't need scientific data when I start dropping the "it sucks" argument around.

The best part about Smarch is the end. The sun peeks through the clouds, and everyone finally knows that winter is truly over. People emerge from their cocoons, roll the windows down and listen to that one CD that really makes them happy. It's the closest I'll ever come to being reborn, and it happens every year.

Soon enough, Boycott Unity will be back for the attack. I know you're excited.

My First Job. (Part V)
5 Miles in 65 Days.
Tom & I. (Part II)